Dating Amelia: Happy, Finally, To Be Truly Single
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
9:00AM, Tuesday July 21st 2009
The last time I went on a date was a month ago and it was decidedly “meh.” I deleted my profile off OKCupid because I was sick of getting new messages from guys who were, at best “meh,” at worst psychotic/illiterate/pervy. To be honest, for the first time since my breakup, I have been enjoying being single. And I don’t mean single as in “I’m dating lots of guys and going out all the time like Samantha from ‘Sex and the City,’ woo-hoo!” I mean I am single and enjoying my alone time. I’m having dinner with friends, catching up on movies I’ve missed (I think I am the last of Blockbuster’s customers), riding my bike, and starting up yoga again. Next month I’m going on a yoga/surf retreat in Costa Rica for a week, and when given the option between coed or an all-women retreat, I went with the latter. Coed shouted two things to me—couples (blech) and single dudes looking to show off their shredding abilities. The latter would normally kind of turn me on, but like I said, MEH.
Lately, I just can’t muster up any enthusiasm over potential dates. I went out with a large group of friends last week and one of them attempted to ignite sparks between myself and a single guy friend of hers. He was good-looking and nice, successful and funny—the kind of dude I would have happily gone out with a month ago. I mean, I would go out with him now, if he did all the legwork. If he picked me up (literally), carried me to the restaurant or bar, spoon-fed me, and handled both sides of the conversation. I would just rather be at home, cuddling my dog, eating mac ‘n’ cheese, and watching a special program about primordial dwarves on Discovery Health. Is that so crazy?
I don’t even really miss sex. I think my boredom with men has made my libido go into hibernation, which I know is strange considering it’s summer and I should want to, like, f**k all the time. But I don’t and that’s a good thing, as I have been prone to always associating sex with the emergence of cuddly, loving feelings. That inclination has led me to develop strong feelings for people who I wouldn’t normally—like bad musicians in skinny jeans or guys who have enormous balls and the tendency to lie. I think the time alone is doing me some good. I’ve always gotten too much of my self-worth from love or attention from a man. That’s why my breakup has been so crushing, because it felt like the ultimate rejection and I’ve been waiting to be rejected by others ever since. So maybe once “rejection” doesn’t cut as deep, I’ll be able to f**k for fun AND be more open to real love without suspicion. In the meantime, I’m enjoying summertime as a truly single lady.
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delovely
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 09:21 am: [report]
Being single is surprisingly satisfying. I always forget how much I enjoy being alone.
I still do get a bit of anxiety, but just because I’m unsure of if I’ll meet someone new. The rest of the time, I’m enjoying friends, my couch and the cats.
Jewelz1188
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]
I have been following your posts for a couple of weeks now and I look forward to them. Every piece somehow contains a bit of what I am going through. I have been single for about 3 months now and there have been ups and downs. The ups were usually me finally taking a step towards moving on and the downs usually consisted of talking to my ex again. I realized that I am okay when I am on my own… taking time for myself and doing the things that I want to, watching the movies I want to (the ones my ex never wanted to watch). Right now if I see an attractive guy, I’ll notice him but thats about it. I have no motivation to pursue anything with anyone right now, not matter how hot or funny he is. It can get lonely from time to time.. but for the most part it is quite liberating. It’s been a slow process, but I’m getting used to being single and I hope that one day I will be happy like you are.
brandyalexander
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 09:33 am: [report]
Thanks, Amelia
I broke up with my boyfriend of seven years last August, and have been in a series of unsatisfying rebounds ever since. When the last one broke up with me last week, and I realized he had never taken down his match.com profile, I cried for a day, but then woke up and felt amazing. After deleting all his texts, messages, and phone number, and unfriending him and all his friends on Facebook, and mailing back the necklace that he gave me, I had an epiphany. I was no longer miserably waiting for the phone to ring. If it rang, cool, it was probably a friend, or my dad. I wasn’t sitting there, pining.
That felt really, really good. I’m starting to talk to someone new (I know, a little soon…) and I’m a little nervous, but someone told me it’ll be right when it feels easy.
Thanks.
EarthGoddess
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 09:52 am: [report]
I applaud your ability to “go it alone”. That’s something I’ve never been able to do, but I sincerely admire those who can. Although I’m married and can’t see us divorcing, even we ever did God forbid, I know in my heart that I could never have your courage. I’d be with someone else right away because I can’t allow myself to be alone ... just can’t stand it. Good for you!
writergirl
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]
Bravo!!! SOmetimes taking a break from dating is the best thing you can do. Finding yourself—is that the right term—makes things better when you finally do decide to step back into the ring.
Enjoy Costa Rica! Sounds fabulous.
Lauren Fritsky
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 10:13 am: [report]
You can definitely tell that over the course of these posts you’ve become so much more self-aware. Thank you for being so honest about yourself and the changes you’re undertaking. It’s been beneficial to me since I’m going through a lot of the same.
Keep on keepin on
MichelleS1017
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 10:38 am: [report]
i have never been happier than when i embraced being single. i was totally devoted to MYSELF and proud of it! i managed to be totally happy and content by like you said, spending time with friends, by myself, and what not.. i was not at all looking for a relationship but eventually tripped and fell for best guy ive ever met! although i am not single anymore i realized that you cannot be totally happy with someone else unless you are able to be TOTALLY happy with yourself, not dependent.
cheers!
Asta
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]
I think I am almost where you are! I am still going through some lingering feelings for my version of Chicken Parm (but mine is my next door neighbor- yeah, not my brightest moment). I also just realized that despite being pretty badass and accomplished, I weigh most of my self-esteem on the success of my relationships not MY success. It’s great to read someone going through a similar situation!
onionne
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
It’s been about two months for me since I stopped seeing The Rebound, and only in the past three weeks have I truly embraced my singledom. Granted, I’ve been recovering from TheWorstBreakUpEver since Feb. 2008, and this is LONG OVERDUE.
But it’s nice to stay in and watch Harry Potter 4 eighty million times in a row with your dog (who you now affectionately refer to as “The Love Of My Life” and has proved to be so much more than a replacement for “The Evil Ex”) and just not give a #&@$% if you “should be” out meeting some man. (My former therapist says “should” is a dirty word that needs to be banned from our vocabularies.)
Forget that all my friends are getting married. Good for them, and I’m truly happy for them. But there’s something awesome in realizing the world is still wide open to you. That if I wanted to, I could pack up my stuff tomorrow, move to Alaska, and teach 5th grade or something (as opposed to suing people in Tennessee), and not have to worry about whether my husband could easily find a job up there.
So cheers to being happy alone! And FREEDOM to do what makes YOU happy! I think it’s a crime how we routinely lose ourselves in some attempt to make our happiness second to his in a relationship. Taking back the right to put ourselves first is often not easy, but one of the most exhilarating and self-affirming actions for every woman who has ever had her heart broken.
peaseblossom
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
I haven’t been on, looked for or asked for a date in over a year. I finally feel fully single. Last year I went on a date with a man from a well known ‘set up’ service. At the end of the date he was all over me in a doorway. It was kind of hot, but I stopped him for a minute and said: “Ok, I don’t ever know how to handle this so I’ll let you decide. We can go back to my place, have hot weasel love all night and never see each other or contact each other again, or we can stop this right now, agree to go out again and see if it leads anywhere and possibly have a chance for more sex. Which one?” Well, his answer did it for me. That was the last date I went on. Pulled down all of my profiles. Extracted myself from the ‘set up’ service, (they would not refund my money) and decided to just be alone.
It’s been a blast! I do not sit on my couch with my cat or eat mac and cheese. I have so much fun not worrying about a date. I have been to wonderful exciting places and seen some things! I am out every weekend. So now I say I’m an SNL. Single Not Looking. And Weasel boy? I held up my end of the deal, rocked his world and then sent him on his way. He called the service a year later and tried to get in touch with me. I told them to tell him; No, a deal’s a deal.
develange
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
It’s so freeing, no longer pining and feeling like #&@$%. Being single can be lonely, but if there’s hope that you’ll meet someone (someday) again, it’s a great time to work on yourself, see friends, etc. Sometimes booty calls are necessary, but it depends on the woman (whether she equates sex with intimacy, cuddles, etc).
Rebounds can be fun, healing, but sometimes they make you feel worse, reminding you of that loss that can’t be filled. It’s better to heal on your own, instead of ignoring the pain with the distraction of new guys, rebounds. If you’re not ready, you’re not ready!
DancerNinja
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 03:19 pm: [report]
I’ve been happily single for a year now. In that time I’ve
1) Moved to California
2) Ran a marathon
3) Learned to knit and crochet
4) Qualified for the American Open in weightlifting
Would I have done these things if I were coupled? Probably not, and I am just ecstatic with life! Being single can do so much for you!
bellarose
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 03:29 pm: [report]
Thanks for this article and all the comments. If you cant make yourself happy how can anyone else?
belleheh
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 05:33 pm: [report]
This is a GREAT post..Thank you.I can totally relate.
Ellis
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 06:52 pm: [report]
It’s so refreshing and great to hear from someone else that’s truly happy being single - not in that “screwing so many dudes and not tied down way”, but in a “devoted to myself and unconcerned about men” way. I’ve never been able to help but think that women who never get to experience that are missing out on something big. I don’t know what I’d do if I wasn’t confident that I could be happy when completely (romantically) alone. I don’t mean to say that there’s anything at all wrong with relationships or dating, but being really single allows you to more fully explore so many friendships, hobbies, and - cheesy, but still - aspects of yourself.
chouette
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 10:29 pm: [report]
It’s so helpful to read your posts- like others commented, I see myself in what you write. Particularly the self-worth thing. I had my catastrophic breakup a year ago and haven’t been on a date or even flirted since. I was a mess for a LONG time, but now I’m finally to the point where I feel like my real, old self- the way I used to before a couple of ultimately damaging, demeaning relationships. My life is plenty full with just me and I will never date just to date. The next man I let into my life will be in it because he’s 100% into me.
brandyalexander
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 07:58 am: [report]
Ellis, your post had me thinking that there is a certain romance to being alone, actually. Its quite nice.
Heather
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 08:53 am: [report]
For me, this is about how recovering from a break-up goes…
a. break-up (usually bad, but aren’t they all?)
b. poorly thought-out rebound relationship/FWB fling (ech)
c. annoyed by the very idea of dating/speaking to a man
d. living like a crazy cat lady (minus the 2,596 cats)
e. ... hmmm, rubbing against another human wouldn’t be sooo bad.
f. hey, I have a date. How did that happen?
g. actually excited about dating again. Eeeee… boys *claps*
Welcome to step C and D!
angel001717
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
ah my problem is that im enjoying the single life (like many of the things you mentioned) yet my libido is going crazy! it will not behave and go into hibernation. but ive never asociated sex with cuddling and loving someone. my only bf was the wham bam thank you ma’m sort.
teresawu
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
Thanks for writing these.
DancingGeek
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 05:12 pm: [report]
I so love this post! I too am (fairly recently)very happily single. In the last nine months I have:
- rented my own apartment for the first time in my life (I’m 44)
- been laid off and started IT consulting on my own
- started a technical blog
- realized that anything I want, I can give to myself
Here’s to all the single girls out there who are loving life!
tia126
wrote on July 23 2009 @ 06:44 pm: [report]
Seriously, I watched the same special on primordial dwarfism - with my dog - but I may have been eating Doritos. It’s good to be single!
LeeKendall
wrote on July 27 2009 @ 07:29 pm: [report]
Where will you be in Costa Rica? CR is my favorite country, I’ve been 4 times and constantly look for new excuses to get down there.
Thanks for these posts—they are a refreshing take on the single life!
Leesa
wrote on July 27 2009 @ 07:53 pm: [report]
I had an ex who called the not-missing sex aspect “camel mode.” The metaphor doesn’t totally mesh, but it does make for funny mental images.
jennifer24
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 10:57 am: [report]
I have been “single” for about 3 months. In those 3 months my ex and I hung out on occasion like we were dating. While I thought I was strong enough to handle the “friends with benefits” thing it became too overwhelming. After a few days of ignoring my text messages I decided to check his Facebook. Through Facebook I discovered he was talking to another girl. After confronting via text, he wouldnt answer my phone calls either, he said he wasnt dating her and they werent having sex and that he know it was a “bad idea to be having sex with me” (this was the second time he has said this). Then he continued to say he was sorry for stringing me along and he need time to think about things and he would call me.
So long story short he has not stopped talking to this girl.
I never thought I would be this type of girl, Im turning crazy. I would just like to be told the true. I want to move on but I need closure. I think Im on the brink of a nervous breakdown.
I hate the idea of going out into the dating world, especailly since he was the one to give me an incurable STD.
freeatleast
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 09:36 pm: [report]
the ONLY thing i remember about my last relationship is me saying things like:
” but wait…”
” but what happened to…”
” how come you…”
” when you gonna…”
” am i gonna get…”
” what happened to…”
...it feels SO GOOD to not have to wonder anymore.
i’m at peace.