Dating Amelia: For Once I’m Not Being A Complete And Total Spaz
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Friday October 30th 2009
A wise Mind of Man once told me, “Generals are always prepared to fight the last war.” People—well, OK, I—try and work through the crap of their last relationship with the person they’re with currently. This, I think, explains why, for the better part of my adult life, I have been a complete and total spaz when it comes to men and dating. I know, shocking right? if I was a spaz before the relationship with my ex-fiance, I was a complete and total bunny boiler after he broke up with me. I was an insecure, over-analytical nutter and wasn’t sure how, when, and what it would take for me to stop fighting a war in which I was the only participant.
But miracle of miracles, it’s happened! I, ladies and gentlemen, am a reformed dating spaz. For now at least. I have become such a calm, content, spaz-less dater that I haven’t really been tempted to write about my love life because, well, I thought others might find calm and content to be boring. But then I realized I should share the secrets to my transformation! Well, secret. It sounds simple, but I, for the first time possibly ever, am living completely and totally in the present. I have not allowed myself to think about what might happen the next day, in two weeks, or in two years. I’ve finally realized that, to a certain degree, the future is not something I can control based on what happened yesterday, two weeks ago, or two years in the past.
It helps that the person I’ve been seeing is older and doesn’t play any bulls**t games. He calls when he says he’s going to, he’s gentlemanly and thoughtful, and he makes me laugh. I feel good when I’m with him, but more importantly, I feel good when I’m not with him because I’m not obsessing over the what-ifs. What if he doesn’t like me as much as I like him? What if he would cheat on me like so-and-so did? What if he suddenly loses interest? The minute one of those thoughts creeps into my brain and tries to start a fight, I tell it to piss off. All that matters is what is real, not what is imagined or suspected. So far, so good.
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brandyalexander
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 10:46 am: [report]
Hey Amelia,
Congratulations! Though I know stability is a lot less exciting than anxiety and drama, this is a really big deal to be feeling so rational, and I appreciate you sharing it here.
Kiki T
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]
a total saturn in libra turn about!!! yes, you’re already working it! and lesson learned after a two year cycle of saturn in your house of true love!
fortierb
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 11:14 am: [report]
Right there with you. It is so relaxing to not spaz and over analyze!
H. Blue
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]
and how does one meet one of these elusive men that call when they say they will, are gentlemanly and thoughtful, and make their ladies feel good about themselves?
so happy for you (and envious) but really, very happy for you.
H. Blue
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
but I do miss a column with dating stories- it makes me feel better about my dating life.. is anyone over there are frisky currently dating and can post dating stories? I can’t be the only singleton who would take comfort that I’m not the only one living a sitcom..
brandyalexander
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
haha… blue, you can share your dating horror stories with me anytime… i’m right there in the trenches with you
H. Blue
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 11:45 am: [report]
lol I have had some doozies.. I was taking a little break from it, but am trying to get back out there again, and bracing myself.
nice to know I’m not alone!
luke15chick
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]
so how do i get him to call regularly?
LilMissSunshine
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
Well if The Frisky doesn’t have anyone on staff to write about their dating experiences I would be happy to chime in. I’m sure some of the other regular commentators who are single could be talked into writing something about dating as well. But wait a second isn’t there a regular dating in Paris article? Are you unsatisfied with that my fellow readers?
belindajulie
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 12:25 pm: [report]
“All that matters is what is real” Amen to that!
Ellis
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 12:35 pm: [report]
The column was definitely fun, but I’m more than happy to let it go considering the situation. Congrats Amelia! I’ve been working on the same thing recently, myself.
H. Blue
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:16 pm: [report]
LilMiss: I haven’t really been able to get into the Paris column.. not sure if it’s because I’m biased (hate Paris) or what…
vtgirl1993
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]
Good for you, Amelia! I’m jealous as hell, but very, very happy for you at the same time. I’d kill to find out where these kind of men are hiding b/c they aren’t found in DC.
As for dating stories, Ladies, I’ve got billions. In the past two years, I’ve been out w/ 140+ guys and many have been very interesting. All my friends tell me to start a blog, so I just might and send you all invites!
majicksand
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 03:07 pm: [report]
Great job, Amelia! There’s so much drama in life that we can’t control. It’s a definite plus when we can eliminate the drama we create for ourselves.
canadiancutie
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 08:48 pm: [report]
Wow, I can relate to this article so much I feel like the words in front of me are my own thoughts. It’s true - the non-game-playing man is what causes the dieing down of the spaz. I wish I could say I feel like this serenity comes from within, from growth, but I really think it has more to do with the fact that this awesome guy chose ME, and what’s more, he likes me enough to actually COURT me, to do what he SAYS he’s going to do. There must be SOMETHING about me that’s worth seeing. So the inner spaz just kind of… becomes flaccid.
Molly Jean
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 08:57 am: [report]
Wow, this is too good! I thought I was the only dating spaz! I always just assumed my spastic ways were a character flaw (ie: I’m a bad dater, I’m not cut out for dating, I’m too over-analytical, sensitive, etc). I never ONCE considered (though it’s so obvious after reading this), that maybe it’s not about me & my shortcomings. Maybe it is a reflection of the men I choose to date!
Everyone says, “trust your instincts” but I never got it. Maybe my spastic ways are my instincts. If I’m dating a man that makes me a total self-doubting-spaz, then maybe that’s a sign that he’s not for me/into me, or that I instinctively don’t trust him. And that I should move on to someone who doesn’t make me feel like a basketcase, but happy & comfortable (& at peace), instead. Thanks so much, Amelia!
retro chic
wrote on October 31 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]
You should have said that first. Older, no BS, better (for younger women). Same in reverse for young men. Stop the name-calling of yourself, too. Good luck Amelia. Missed your DA columns.
Lolafalona
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
Congratulations! But I find when you find, this:
“It helps that the person I’ve been seeing is older and doesn’t play any bulls**t games” it helps ease the spazzies. Good luck!