Dating Amelia: Everyone’s Got Advice
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
11:30AM, Monday June 1st 2009
Lately I’ve been getting a lot of advice. Solicited, unsolicited, much of it from female friends, most of it contradictory. Many of my female friends are in relationships, including my four closest girl friends, two of whom are married and two who are headed in that direction. They all are living vicariously through my “dating adventures,” though I’ve tried to tell them that it’s about as exciting as a bowl of oatmeal.
People give advice based on their own experiences. What works for them has got to work for you too, right? Like following a cake recipe, if you follow the right steps, you’ll get the end result you want. Except dating is nothing like baking and there’s no “right” way when it comes to matters of the heart. I watched “He’s Just Not That Into You” this weekend (out tomorrow on DVD) and if there’s a takeaway from that movies it’s this: everyone has a dating tale that is an exception to another person’s rule. Which is why all of the advice I’ve been getting has been making my head spin.
ADVICE: Don’t Hook Up Casually
My friend Lindsay is a bit old-fashioned. After hearing about my first date with the Sneakerhead, she said, “I think you should stop inviting guys up to your apartment. Wait until the second date to kiss—outside on the street—and then at least the fourth date to invite them up to your place.” She thinks this will allow a guy to get to know me personally first, rather than physically, and that it will build respect. After all, this has worked for her.
My friend Eva* agreed. She didn’t sleep with her husband until, like, a month into their relationship and after they’d said the L word. She said that if they had had sex earlier, they probably wouldn’t be married. See! Waiting to hook up WORKS.
ADVICE: Hook Up Whenever You Want
“F**k that s**t,” said my other friend Kellie*. “Hook up, have sex whenever you want, including on the first date. If a guy likes you, he’ll want to keep seeing you whether you screw him right away or not.” Kellie*, you see, has always had boyfriends and has never paid attention to dating rules. She said her relaxed attitude about dating is the reason why she’s been so successful with men. She doesn’t need or expect to be wooed.
ADVICE: Just Don’t Give A Crap
Like Justin Long’s character in “He’s Just Not That Into You,” my friend Lori* doesn’t let herself get attached when she’s dating. If a guy likes her, great, but if not, there’s plenty of other guys like him out there. When you don’t care that much, you can’t project any kind of vibe that might scare a dude off, she said. Sure, they still may not end up being interested in you, but at least your feelings won’t be hurt.
ADVICE: Be Upfront About Your Feelings
Lindsay once told a prospective boyfriend point blank that she wanted to wait to have sex until she was sure they were both on the same page and felt the same about each other. He told her later—after they were in a full-on relationship—that this made him respect her even more. “Being honest about my feelings, while still taking things slow physically, really made him interested,” Lindsay said. “Trust me. It works.”
ADVICE: Don’t Be That Upfront About Your Feelings
“Yeah, I wouldn’t tell a guy that much about how I was feeling,” said Eva, upon hearing Lindsay’s advice.
See what I mean about this advice getting confusing?
ADVICE: Don’t Listen To Us. We Don’t Know What We’re Talking About.
My friend Elle* been married for two years and with her husband for over seven. “Amelia,” she said, “Don’t listen to what anyone says. I haven’t dated in years. I don’t know what it’s like to date now, and even if I did, what works for me, may not work for you. Just do what feels right.”
She did have one piece of advice that finally made sense. “Dating is tough,” she said. “When things don’t work out, don’t put the blame on yourself.” Now those are some wise words that apply to both the exceptions and the rules.
*Name has been changed.
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HitOrMissJudy
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
Elle is dead-on. The most-loathed advice I ever got was “it’ll happen when you stop looking.” #&@$%. When I’m not looking, I’m REALLY not looking. I’m in my apartment wearing pajamas or out with my girlfriends. If you want to meet someone you need to be out there and open to it. It’s all luck and timing. Anyone who claims otherwise is talking out their ass.
Humble Bee
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
When taking advice I mainly consider their status quo. If one of my friends tells me f*ck that s*hIt sleep with who ever and she’s a major slut who has trouble having a guy respect her… I would be like, yeah suure.
What makes a person so succesful in dating anyway?
Like the point you made, maybe its just that people have different dating styles. Some people like a monogomous relationship, some like to sleep with whoever, I guess it all comes down to what makes you happy. Remember what people say, but make your own decisons, is my motto when “taking advice”.
WinkyFace
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
Amelia, I’m so glad you’re just as confused about friend advice as I am. I try to be like Elle and not listen to other people’s experiences and compare them to my own. Right now I feel like I’m in a unique situation that no one else can empathize with and I’m getting a lot of “What the hell are you doing?” talks (unsolicited, of course). Kinda starting to wish my parents had set me up with an arranged marriage at birth.
focker81
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 12:27 pm: [report]
I like this line: “if there’s a takeaway from that movies it’s this: everyone has a dating tale that is an exception to another person’s rule.”
I am single for the first time in three years and have also been getting conflicting advice. I think there comes a point if you’re getting it unsolicted where you should just say, “Thanks, I’m doing fine figuring it out myself.” Because, ultimately, you will start figuring it out.
newmakcity
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
I agree with Humble Bee, what does make someone “successful” at dating? When you think about it a successful dater is someone who didn’t have to do it that much, right? My mom always said the only people with dating advice are unsuccessful ones and the ones that are successful are clueless, so don’t listen to either :-p
alliecat
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]
I agree with WinkyFace - I’m starting to think there’s something to those arranged marriages!
I get conflicting advice from all of my friends too. Most of my guy friends are married or in long-term relationships and they all say the same thing, “You’re a catch and if I were single, I’d be all over you.” A couple of my gal pals are newly single, while I’ve been on the market for a while, but they’re the types that have guys lined up around the block to date them.
Thanks for being just as confused as the rest of us, Amelia!
Kathls
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]
@ HitOrMissJudy: I couldn’t agree more! I hate the insightful piece of ‘advice’ that “it will happen when you stop looking.” Yeah, on a Tuesday on the bus while I’m picking my nose.
I think part of my problem is that I’m looking for approval from so many directions and get an overload of different answers which makes me feel even worse. My motto for the year is to silence the background din of advice. I’m just going to do what makes me happy in the moment. In the past I’ve worried so much about figuring out the ‘rules’ of dating when in truth everyone has their own set.
I personally have worried too much about the long-term implications of the small things instead of enjoying the here and now. A lot of guarding my heart to the point that I’ve missed out on the good things.
But what I’ve been doing hasn’t worked, so going forward, to hell with all the superfluous, but well intended, jibber jabber.
Good luck to everyone :D
Lynn
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]
I say: do what you feel like doing.
Whether you sleep with him on the first date, wait to tell him your feelings, play hard to get, or care a sh!t ton right from the beginning, chances are that the guy who sticks with you is going to be the guy who likes your style - whatever it is. You can’t put too much stock in the advice people give you because they are different people than you, and their husbands are different people from the guy you are going to end up with. For every tough biker guy out there, there’s a sensitive poet reading up on Shakespeare. Chances are, whatever guy is perfect for you will respect and enjoy the decisions YOU make while you’re dating HIM. Not the decisions your friend made when dating her guy.
retro chic
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 03:27 pm: [report]
I’m with Elle and HitOrMissJudy. It’s such a crap shoot, just best to do what feels right for attaining your ultimate goal.* At that moment. With that person. Period.
*Goal=marriage, unless you’ve changed that, Amelia.
Thumbs-down on Kelly’s advice. May work for her success with men and sex—just not men and marriage in general.
@Judy, I know what you mean. The days are over when one could say “It’ll happen when you least expect it!” If you’re not actively out looking, you’re not expecting it. If you’re not expecting it, you don’t really want it. If you don’t want it, you won’t get it.
veda6
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 10:58 pm: [report]
What ‘It’ll happen when you least expect it’, actually translates to, is ‘For gods sake stop whining about being single, and do something to make yourself more interesting because this fixation on why relationships don’t work for you and your unrealistic belief that being in a relationship will solve all your insecurities, is driving me, your closest friend, batty. So no wonder guys run for the hills!’.
At least that’s what I’ve meant when cornered for advice by mopey friends. All in the most loving possible way, of course.
theattack
wrote on June 1 2009 @ 11:32 pm: [report]
@veda: HAHAHAHA You are soooo right. Everytime I’ve said that, that’s exactly what I meant without really thinking about it like that. Your comment is hilarious!!
@Amelia: You just inadvertently gave me advice by letting me read all of the advice you’ve been getting. You get major props for being able to write something informative on a topic that you’re confused about yourself. I worry so much about doing the right thing, when every answer is the right answer, but every right answer is also the wrong answer. Turns out every situation is different as is every person. Thanks!
delovely
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 08:49 am: [report]
Also confusing are my friends’ opinions of how to handle a break up. Considering all of my friends have never been through a terrible breakup, I have a hard time swallowing their advice. Same thing for friends who have been in relationships for years and years, then tell me how to act with someone I’m dating… (sigh) I usually listen to all the advice and whatever “feels” right is what I go with, whatever I’m naturally inclined to do. Such as, I don’t kiss on the first date because I’M not comfortable with it, etc.
Oliveira
wrote on June 2 2009 @ 01:03 pm: [report]
As someone who dated for a year, then spent the last six months in a relationship, I have two bits of advice:
1. Lynn is right. Do what you feel like. If you want to tell him you love him but you don’t because you feel he might run away, chances are he doesn’t fit you and doesn’t want to date you—he wants to date a person that looks like you but has a different character to yours. The worst sin is to ask friends “he said xxx with this or that tone to his voice, and he was winking when he said it, WHAT SHOULD I DO?!” Well, do what you feel like. And if you truly have no idea, do nothing. You’d be surprised how many guys like that
2. Always wear clean and neat (new-ish, if possible) underwear. This can not be stressed enough. Really.
You can get a major boost from knowing deep inside your underwear is reeeeally cool, and you can get a major downer simply from wearing giant Bridget Jones pants. If you don’t trust me, try! No harm has ever been encountered from buying sexy underwear and trying if it boosts your self-confidence.
B1ll
wrote on June 3 2009 @ 08:55 am: [report]
If you’re just looking for boyfriends, take everyone’s advice, hope you get lucky, hook up whenever you can, and try to figure out how not to scare him away. In other words – be someone else
If you’re looking for a relationship, do what feels right – be yourself. You want the guy to be attracted to you, not to the “other” person you become when you take someone’s advice. If the guy falls for the “non-you”, how long do you think he’ll hang around when you inevitably go back to being yourself? That’s not the person he was attracted to.