Dating Across America: Sleeping Arrangements When You’re Staying With The ‘Rents
Posted by: Pam Gaulin
Filed in:
relationships
10:30AM, Friday August 28th 2009
Even if you get to the point in a relationship where you and your boyfriend are totally comfortable with one another, things change when you bring others into the equation. At some point you may find yourself in a bit of a predicament: managing sleeping arrangements while at his or your parents’ house.
Some lovebirds will abstain and refrain from giving into their sexual urges. Others will sneak into each other’s rooms, regardless of the rules and etiquette of their host’s home, because when you’re feeling frisky, sometimes you have to give in. Some women are nonchalant about getting caught, while others say the sheer embarrassment causes them to rethink their sleeping arrangements for the future. We asked 10 women: “What’s a normal sleeping arrangement when you and your boyfriend are staying at your parents’ house?”
“My boyfriend and I have been together so long, it’s as if we have been married for years. We have lived together for six years and owned a home together for two years, so I think our families know we’re serious. We sleep in the same bed at home and when we visit family, or when family comes and stays with us in our studio apartment. I am not bothered by it—we’re all family.” —Brenna Boyce, Brooklyn
“In college, we slept together and got caught a couple times—not fun, and not worth it. Now that I’m older, I’d rather get a hotel and avoid the whole situation. But if that weren’t possible, then I’d have to say I’d respect the homeowner’s rules. If I can’t keep my hands and other body parts to myself for a night or two, then I deserve the embarrassment and humiliation and need to grow up a bit more.” —Patricia Cook, Arlington, TX
“At first, my boyfriend and I either slept in separate beds or separate rooms altogether, but we would sneak into each other’s rooms. His mother is very open-minded, though, and not stupid. Soon we were sleeping in the same room and listening to the jokes from his mother. According to her, no ‘raincoats’ were allowed, as she wants grandchildren very badly.” —Amy Brantley, Bryson City, NC
“Separate rooms. Although we are grown adults, both my boyfriend and I come from conservative families, so it’s just understood that while we visit them, we will never share beds (unless we’re married). If it helps them sleep better while we are with them, it’s fine by us.” —Midori Barizo, Seattle
“I always had three different levels of rules depending on the parent. My mom always let my boyfriend stay in the same room. She never cared and was always the one to call the house when she was on her way home ‘just to check in.’ My dad, on the other hand, was as strict as you can get. Whenever he was in town and Patrick was visiting, it was separate rooms and we weren’t allowed to be alone—ever. He’d even make a point to stay up with us and watch movies until midnight or so, which was hard for him since his usual bedtime is 8 p.m. With Patrick’s parents, we always had to sleep separately. Even during Christmas when the whole family was home and they didn’t have enough beds. I’d get the last guest room and Patrick would sleep on the couch. This is all while we were living together and had been dating for well over eight years! It was only recently that they started letting us stay in the same room—we just got engaged last August.” —Iceseas Hanson, Sarasota, FL
“If we really, really want to sleep together, we get a motel. Sleeping ensemble in mom and dad’s house is a real no-no.” —Sandra Essary, Bakersfield, CA
“I am 30 years old and my parents still make my boyfriend and I sleep in different rooms. Until I am married, my dad says.” —Christine Capeless, South Burlington, VT
“If we have been dating for a while and the parents are comfortable with it, then I say yes, sleep together. However, I wouldn’t have sex in that situation. I wouldn’t want to see or hear my parents have sex, so I wouldn’t want them to see or hear me, either. I would sort of be afraid of ‘getting caught.’ I say share the bed, but save sex for when the parents aren’t home or when me and my boyfriend are back in one of our own homes.” —R. Elizabeth Kitchen, Cleveland
“When my husband and I go out of state to visit my mom, we generally get to use her spare room. I feel lucky with that sleeping arrangement because some may not have that option. I imagine it could be uncomfortable for all involved if we were sleeping in a more open space.” —April Paul, Houston
“One night this summer while camping, there was a horrific storm. We all had to move into my parents’ home for our safety. Space was limited, so my boyfriend of three years and I doubled up on a single bed in the spare room. Of course, nothing happened, and we did not sleep great, but at least we were dry. My parents thought nothing of him and me sleeping together, but I know in his parents’ Catholic home, that would have been a huge problem.” —Amy Browne, Athens, PA
“Whenever my boyfriend and I go up north to visit his parents, we sleep in his old bedroom…together. His parents are really awesome.” —Stephanie Juarbe, Sarasota, FL
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*sam*
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]
My bf and I have always slept together when visiting our parents. Honestly, I don’t think having us sleep apart has ever crossed any of their minds. Both sets just accept that we’re adults and we’re having sex, so there’s really no point in trying to ‘hide’ it. Though, for a while, my mom never knocked on the door before she entered.. until she caught us. It’s the only time I’ve ever been caught by my parents—we all just laughed it off. But at least she now makes sure to knock before entering!!!!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 09:47 am: [report]
How in the hell did you manage to get 2 people from Sarasota?
I’m just sayin’, it’s not really a big place. I should know, I used to live there.
DancerNinja
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 09:51 am: [report]
When I was in undergrad, sharing a room was an absolute no-no. That’s fine, respect the rules of the home, after all. Suddenly, I’m older, I’m in grad school, bring a boyfriend home for the weekend, and I automatically give him the other guest room like normal. My mom said “What’s this? Did he just reject you?” So we shared a room after that.
carolina star
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
My current relationship is completely bipolar. My parents (divorced and in separate households) let us share beds as long as I wash the sheets (weird but practical?) before we go. Dad wasn’t also so liberal and initially made us sleep in separate rooms.
His parents? His mom loves having us both over for the weekend and has no issue with sleeping in the same bed, but his dad? I honestly don’t think I’m even allowed to stay overnight there when he’s home—and we’ve been together for more than a year!
powplz
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 10:03 am: [report]
I haven’t even been to my parents’ house in years (stayed with friends in the city last time I went back east, alone b/c the bf was on a job in Toronto), so it’s not a problem. Plus, my parents don’t even have room for house guests, but I know they let my brother and his ex (who the whole family loved) share a bed here and there, so I doubt they would give me much trouble about it on the extremely low chance that the bf and I would actually go stay with them.
The one time we visited his mom in Dallas, she comped a room for us at a nearby hotel since her husband’s job got her access to super sweet employee discounts. I was pretty impressed that she did that for us given that they’re Mormon and he and I are agnostic/atheist unmarried sinners who have been living together for years. I figure that was just a super nice way of saying “I love you, but not in my house.” And that works for me!
writergirl
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 10:59 am: [report]
My mother’s house was always a “sleep in separate beds” no questions asked scenario. Which I didn’t mind, considering I only had a twin at her house.
My MIL, however, her rules were weird. When we were engaged, I accompanied the entire family on a ski-weekend (Not as glamorous as it sounds). 20 people in a three bedroom one bathroom cabin. There were seven kids all under 18 at the time. I was all set to bunk in with my nieces, but the adults insisted we get sleep together on the pull out couch. (Sex was NOT an option on this thing. Sleeping wasn’t either)
Two months later we went to his parent’s shore house—no one was with us—and his mother asked us to sleep in separate bedrooms. (We did, only because the beds are horrible at the house. We actually still sleep separately when down there). Then a month later, I was pregnant, and we were back at the shore house with eleven people and I had to bunk in with my nieces. And not let them see the labels on my clothes because they weren’t to know I was pregnant.
I never understood what the point was of me being able to sleep with him the first time I went away with his family but no other subsequent time. I guess it really was a “not under my roof” thing she had.
jackofhearts
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 11:02 am: [report]
I think that requiring an adult, co-habiting couple to sleep in separate beds is bizarre.
If a parent knows that their daughter shares a bed with her live-in boyfriend then surely they assume they have sex.
If parents choose to believe that their child shares a bed with a partner, but doesn’t have sex with them then surely them sharing a bed in the parents’ house shouldn’t be a problem?
kinkeh
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 11:07 am: [report]
We lived with our parents and both sets didn’t mind that we shared a room. When we went up to Vermont for vacation we had to sleep in cots on a porch. I guess ‘cause we were with grandma and ultra conservative extended family.
LunaLena
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
@ jackofhearts - I don’t know for certain, but I suspect the reasoning goes like this: if the parents do not approve of premarital sex (whether or not they believe their offspring is doing it), then allowing the said offspring to share a bed with the significant other would be condoning this behavior that, in fact, they do not approve of. That’s where the “not under my roof” logic comes in: “I can’t stop you from doing whatever you want when you’re out there, but at least I can stop you from doing it under my roof.”
ootie
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
My boyfriend and I always sleep together at our parents’ houses. Both sets of parents are pretty laid-back. He stayed with his parents for a month or so between leases this summer, so we had sex there, but we were always very very quiet.
CanadianGirl
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]
Earlier this summer, my boyfriend and I visited his hometown and I met the parents for the first time. We stayed in separate rooms… but his room is in the basement so we just waited til his parents were asleep and tried to be quiet. It is pretty funny because at that point we’d been together for about 7 months, and the first time we had sex was during that trip!
Queen Frostine
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
Mom made me and hubby sleep in separate rooms whenever we visited for SEVEN YEARS until he put an engagement ring on my hand. And even then, she was hesitant.
My husbands uncle did this as well, when we stayed at his Cape house. All the unmarried women had to sleep in bunk beds in the “girls room” and the unmarried men had to stay on couches or pull out beds.
Taurwen
wrote on August 28 2009 @ 04:12 pm: [report]
I met the family of boy-I’m-sleeping-with this Easter. We got there and his step dad put all our luggage in ~their~ room. Then when it was bed time the two of them pulled out the couch and snuggled in for the night. We could hear them having sex by the time we had gotten our toothbrushes out.
Then his mom brought us orange juice the next morning and said “It’s funny, you’re sleeping on my side of the bed, and he’s sleeping on Jim’s side.”
It was kinda surreal.
saysay
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 12:41 am: [report]
My Dad and his wife are super strict, no marriage, no sleeping together. My older brother and his girlfriend,(now wife), were staying over one weekend and my step mom informed my now sister-in-law that she could stay in the guest room and my brother would be taking the couch. Her face was priceless and I literally laughed out loud because my sister-in-law was 30 something, a mother of 2, owned her own house, and so on. They didn’t stay over again.
majicksand
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]
When my first husband and I went to visit his parents before we were married, his mom kept trying to get us a hotel room “for our comfort”. I was too naive to realize the offer was really about her comfort, so I turned her down. I was trying to be polite by assuring her that whatever accomodations she had would be fine and there was no need to go to any extra expense on my account. (thus proving I’m not a spoiled princess and making a good impression, lol) She agreed (reluctantly I later realized) and all was fine… until the next morning. She walked into the room the next morning, and she and I noticed the condom wrapper on the floor at the same time. Can anyone say mortified? It was then that I clued in to what she had been trying to avoid the previous day. She despises me to this day.
writergirl
wrote on August 29 2009 @ 03:43 pm: [report]
My husband—then my boyfriend—and I once traveled to a wedding for my side of the family, and we stayed in a hotel. My mother, who also had to travel, found out which hotel we were staying, and then booked a room in a different hotel. She told her girlfriend—“I just can’t stay in the same hotel as them if they’re sharing a room.” WTF?
Did she think she’d hear us two floors down?
Aidra
wrote on August 30 2009 @ 06:33 pm: [report]
My husband and I sleep in the same room together at both our parents’ houses. My mom even gave us her room when James and I stayed with her for a few days. We stay in my husband’s childhood bedroom when we go to his dad’s. I honestly can’t imagine it being any other way. If I knew one of our parents had a problem with it, we would stay somewhere else. It’s not as if we’re going to have loud sex with them in the other room. I can forgo sex for a few days if I stay with family.
sarahprotzman
wrote on August 31 2009 @ 02:05 pm: [report]
I was shocked when my parents asked me if I wanted to share a room with my bf on our first visit together. This NEVER crossed my mind, as they’ve always been the “our house, our rules” parents. However, my dad said “I have no interest in telling a 27-year-old woman what to do.” Very decent of him, and we both felt very respected.
Penelope09
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]
I brought my boyfriend to a family reunion where about 30 of us were staying in a hotel. He was forced to share a room with my brother and male cousin, while I got my own room. My brother begged to switch with me given he was in the middle of finals. I, of course, had no problem with it, but my parents said there was no way I was sleeping in the same room as my boyfriend…even though we’d have our own beds and there’d be a third person in the room, and even though my dad prescribes me my birth control every month.
But the next time we visited a month later, we were in the same bed, no questions. Parents are weird.
beepbeep
wrote on October 8 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
When I went to college, I didn’t think it would be a big deal to be in the same room as my boyfriend.
Little did I know, my mother had to talk my father out of breaking the door down with an axe (he’s a fireman). My lock was removed on the door of my bedroom at home, and I haven’t brought a boy back since.