Could You Ever Get Past Hearing “I Don’t Love You Anymore?”

maroon
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]

I ducked when my ex was confused about his feelings about me.  I waited way too patiently, gently reminding him I’d be there for him, when he was “sorting through his head”.  And when I decided I’d been ducking and waiting too long he came crawling back begging for me to stay.  When he did this BS to be again, it was sayonara for realz.  And only after this did I figure out this glorified bastard had been cheating on me with his ex, the ENTIRE TIME, even after he begged for my forgiveness.  Some guys just have control issues, and when they realize that you’re not going to duck and wait or cater to them forever, they get drastic.

estrellada
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]

my ex told me that when we broke up.

I step aside, he told me he wanted to be alone, he needed to think, etc etc.

He found a new girlfriend in 2 weeks after that. ¬¬

blondekris
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 10:27 am: [report]

I’m in this situation currently. My bf of a year and a half told me he needs “time to think” and sort things out in his head. Whatever. I haven’t seen him for 2 and a half months due to summer break and I’ve been getting over him but the best part of this story is that I’m going to study abroad next semester and who else is in the program? Yeah. This will make it ten times harder to get over him…

http://youngerminds.blogspot.com/

Jenn27549
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]

I think you have to be able to see the situation clearly enough, as the writer quoted did, and see that it isn’t a martial/relationship issue. If it is, in fact, a relationship issue then this won’t work.  All she did was refuse to let him make it a relationship issue.  It still might not work, but in her case it did because ultimately it wasn’t about her or the state of their marriage.  My husband does that alot—tries to make issues that have nothing to do with me/us—about me/us. Its taken time but I’ve learned to just not respond.  He usually gets over it in a little while when he realizes I’m not taking the bait.  BUT, for this to work you have to be able to correctly identify that whatever it is the guy is saying or doing really has nothing to do with you/the relationship.  You always have to correctly identify the problem in order to correctly identify the solution.

Kathls
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]

being a privileged member of the ‘I don’t love you anymore’ or ‘I don’t feel the same way about you anymore’ club, I would have definitely done things differently.  The duck and wait approach sounds like a great plan, whether you want them to stay or to go:  it’s really not giving them what they want, which is that ego boost of you throwing yourself at them, tears, rage—more excuses for them to walk away.  What do they have to say to people after they walk away, “Man, I couldn’t take it anymore he/she offered to be there for me and to give me my space like I asked for, and did!’.  Then they are the ones that look like the tool.

In my case, the ex-bf of 3 years didn’t want space, time to clear his head, he just wanted out, and turning me into an emotional wreck gave him precisely what he wanted.  Instead of a slow death for months, feeling betrayed, like I was losing my best friend, I think ducking would have left me better off emotionally, and helped me to recover quicker.

Shasta
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 10:59 am: [report]

Laura Munson clearly is a woman of strong character who posseses a deep understanding of the human condition and a committment to the life that she and husband spent 20 years building.

However, her experience has nothing to do with the boyfriend/fiance situations listed ahove.  Her situation ultimately was about the difficulties of maintaining a long-term marriage through the inevitable changes that each partner faces as they grapple with their own mortality/happiness.

She had been married for 20 years.  Dating and engagement should be fun and carefree. The relationship is still exciting. Responsibilites are minimal. You both have your whole lives ahead of you.  If a man tells you he doesn’t love you anymore while you are dating/engaged you should flee.

Imagine his reactions to the realities of life like children, the death of a parent, the loss of a job. He will abdicate all emotional responsible and let you shoulder all the burdens.

Quarter-life crisis or just simple immaturity - ALL of you dodged bullets. 

What is relevant is that it’s not personal. That is the most difficult, painful lesson for young women to learn.

You all deserve so much better and will find it.

jenstuart27
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]

I wish I had ducked. The least proud moments of my life were the moments when I raged and cried and begged. Never again. In order to get myself under control now, I do something I call “practicing my Grace Kelly”. Handling yourself with poise is always a better option. If someone says such a hurtful thing, it’s about them and their problem, not about me. http://girlsaroundchitown.blogspot.com/search/label/Grace Kelly

brandyalexander
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]

Napoleon said the only true victory in love is to leave.  Not that I take anything Napoleon said to heart, but, still.

Kathls
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]

@Shasta:  I have to disagree with you on this one, the point of Amelia’s commentary and the point of the article was about whether you can move past a deeply hurtful, life -altering comment made by someone who is one of the most important people in your life.  Just because you haven’t know someone for 40 years, doesn’t mean their rejection hurts less and is less scarring.  If someone’s mom died when they were 14 as opposed to 45, who you say that the 45 year old suffered a greater loss because they knew their mom longer?  Engagements are a promise to build a life together and you start mentally doing that, and sometimes take action on it.

Laura Munson’s experience showed that depending on your approach and attitude, it is possible to to move past relationship - altering words and actions.  You of course have to have that understanding of the root of the words and actions, and if you do figure it out, moving forward might be a heck of a lot easier.  Wounds inflicted by someone you love, whether you’ve been dating a 5 years or married for 30, are wounds.

Joey Daytona
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 11:50 am: [report]

I had a ‘mid-life crisis’ and she ‘ducked’, I left her and a year later wanted back in some way but it was too late. Too much time and space is now between us. I should have just kept it all to myself? Not sure about that. The example above has that aspect of ‘what to tell the friends’, which is mostly about perception management, we all want to be seen in a good light and if we can’t delve into the nitty-gritty details to make our case, we give up, clam up and lump it. Externalizing the internal conflict is a cop-out. If it was me I’d do a little of both, duck at first to establich that healthy distance then try to work around the edges back into the middle.
Zigging when they think you’ll zag can be a mistake, they want you to beg and plead adn sometimes it’s worth it.

brandyalexander
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 11:53 am: [report]

Ooh, its never worth it to beg and plead.  I don’t want to be with anyone who doesn’t want to be with me.  Period.

tattooed_redhead
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 12:08 pm: [report]

My ex and I realized the love was gone at the same time. Very dignified. The most amicable divorce in the history of the world. And I still love him in a way - he’s one of my best friends.

CrimsonRose
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 01:19 pm: [report]

@ brandyalexander: Just because your SO says he/she doesn’t love you, doesn’t mean that he/she doesn’t want to be with you. Did that make any sense? Hmm…what I’m trying to say is that love does not always equate with a desire to be with someone. For example, my ex and I hook up all the time and are really good friends. I am deeply in love with him. He loves me “only as a friend” but often initiates the sex and has even asked me to remind him that I love him. He is my love, and I am his support. It’s a precarious relationship, but it’s so much better this way than when we were together.

Vitally_Florin
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]

Sometimes people say things they don’t really mean. Sometimes what they’re really looking for is the reassurance that YOU still love them, no matter their own insecurities. Don’t let the words sink into your blood too quickly. Make sure YOU make known what YOU still feel, even if that includes the embarrassment of tears, then evaluate.

brandyalexander
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]

Crimson Rose - Maybe, but not to me.  I don’t really want to be with someone who doesn’t love me.
Anyway, its hard to hear, and I’ve heard it before.  I think Laura is a little right and a little wrong.  Its wrong to be in denial (I can’t stop thinking of Paul Simon… “you don’t feel you could love me, but I feel you could”), but it is right to know that that other person’s feeling has nothing to do with your ability to be loved.  Hmm.
To me, its all or nothing.  But that’s just me.

powplz
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]

@crimsonrose - doesn’t sound like an “ex” to me ...

Coral
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 01:59 pm: [report]

I feel it’s more about the people not being able to love each other anymore, rather than never having loved them. Although the latter does happen because people are confused, young, and immature, I feel that some people cannot love one another after a lot of change. And I feel that true love is about love that transcends time, age, and changes.

srv2
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]

Kathls- I am going through a very similar situation now. My boyfriend of two years just broke up with me because he told me that he needed to be alone. He said he was graduating in December and needed to start the next chapter of his life without a relationship. Needless to say, I was heartbroken (this was actually just a few days ago so I guess I still am heartbroken). I realize I became too dependent on him but that I loved him- and I thought he loved me. He told me he still cared for me but needed to be alone. I feel betrayed, like I really did lose my best friend, just as you describe in your post. I miss him and I tried to fight- I begged for him to reconsider when he was breaking up with me but he didn’t change his mind. That being said, I obviously miss him but I know that we are better off not together- we had issues I was too scared to face. How did you get over your ex finally? What helps? Also- do you feel as though you might be able to be friends? I know this is the right thing to do and I applaud him for doing it in a way because I was too scared to be alone and break up with him myself- but I do feel like he knows everything about me and I would love to retain him as a friend. Does anyone think this is possible? Any positive experiences with exs as friends? Most of the people I have spoken with say it is a terrible idea to befriend an ex even after you are over the hurt. I feel differently, I just think we’d make good friends!

abdrums
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 03:16 pm: [report]

I am also in this situation. This past March my husband of almost 2 years admitted that he is no longer in love with me. We were having a lot of problems in our marriage already, but I was still in love with him & felt confident that we could work things out. I cried for days, but there was no begging or trying to change his mind- I was just utterly brokenhearted. He dropped the bombshell soon after we had to move in with his parents due to financial hardships. I couldn’t handle staying there, so I moved 7 hours away to stay with my parents. He said he wanted to work things out, but he needed some time. He said that he wanted to seek counseling (both individually and as a couple), and I assured him that I would be willing to go to counseling as soon as he was ready to set something up. I was surprised at how much less stressful my life was back at home (with my parents), and how much happier I felt without the constant arguments. After I was home for a couple of months, I decided to start taking some classes and finish my degree.  I am feeling SO much better about the direction of my life in general, but my marriage is still in limbo. I haven’t spoken to my husband since the beginning of May, although there have been a few random text messages (what he’s cooking for dinner, a friend was sick, lots of coupons in the Sunday paper). I figured that the ball was in his court to set up counseling (or decide not to) but nothing has been said about the situation since I left. I am leaning towards divorce now, but I don’t know what to do or say or how to move forward.  Any suggestions?

srv2
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 03:29 pm: [report]

abdrums- It was difficult for me to realize how terrible things were in the relationship until AFTER my boyfriend broke up with me after over two years of dating and a year of friendship. My boyfriend would always say he would change and he didn’t- Things just got worse and we would fight about the things I felt he did wrong and the things he believed I did wrong. After almost six months of the same behaviors, I realized he wasn’t going to change his ways but I stayed in the relationship because I was just too scared to be on my own. He was my “security”. I just learned to accept the things I didn’t like about him, even though they were hurting me, because I was too insecure to just say I didn’t want to be with him anymore. Are the problems you and your husband issues because of certain behaviors he does? Do you think he is able to change? If he is not willing to do whatever it takes to make you a better couple, is it worth it? If he is not willing to put his all into the relationship do you really want to be with him? I keep telling myself that I do not want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me. It is painful, especially when you share your life with someone as you and I both did for a period of time. I want to be with him, but I also need to remember that even if we got back together he still would be the same person- and I would be too. The best thing is to think about what is best for YOU. You may love someone, but that does not mean it is meant to be. If being single again and waiting for someone who will be more compatible with you is what it takes than do not be afraid to take that chance. You will never know what life has in store for you until you let go and live it!

Kathls
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]

@srv2:  (sorry, this is long)

It sounds like you’ve already got some clarity on the situation just a few days out, by admitting to yourself that you’re better off not together, if that’s how you truly feel.  For me, I’m the queen of second chances, and will often not really admit to myself what’s really going on.  In my case I was too immature, as in lack of relationship experience, to realize that things should have ended long before.

After his admission, we let the ‘relationship‘ kind of drag out for a few months for various reasons, but when it was truly over I was crushed, I begged and cried, and asked him if we could remain friends.  He agreed, but 4 or 5 months later I realized he had just said that to appease me, and there really was no friendship or hope for one.  Once the light bulb went off, I gathered his things took them to his place, asked for my car key back and washed my hands of the ‘friendship‘—and it felt good, empowering that I had made such a positive step to get rid of that baggage . 

Reflecting on the situation I realized that our friendship really wasn’t as strong or as deep as I had thought, at least not on his end of it.  Fortunately I had a group of true friends that helped me get through what I felt was a betrayal by the closest person in my life.

It took time, but I finally understood he did me a HUGE favor by breaking up with me, because I think it would have taken me much longer to figure out that the relationship was heading down a bad track—after all, I thought he was my best friend and that there was mutual love, and I couldn’t see past all that to understand what the reality was.  While it was done cruelly and he lacked a total since of responsibility, I just had to keep reminding myself that I’m better off without him dragging me down.

As far as staying friends with exes, he’s the only one I’ve tried it with and it just didn’t work because he didn’t want the friendship, but I’m sure there are scenarios that it is possible.  But from the get go you have to really decide why you want to keep him as a friend, like if it’s b/c you’re scared to not have him, or is he truly a good person, etc.

The most important part of handling a breakup, for me, is being honest with myself about the situation, what was really going on in the past, what would really happen in the future if we stuck together.  There’s a lot to be said for those little thoughts in your head that you try to squash down.  And I mostly realized that for me, I’ll never beg someone again to stay with me, because in the end, I don’t want to be with someone who doesn’t want to be with me.  Good luck with everything

develange
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 04:45 pm: [report]

sometimes saying stuff like “I don’t love you anymore” is really just a stab at the other person or a cop out. The person doesn’t want to say “eh, I don’t feel like putting any more effort into this, I want the excitement of a new relationship.”

Some people don’t understand or want to accept that feelings in relationship CHANGE. It doesn’t mean love is gone. After a certain point, once you’re really comfortable with your partner, you need to make effort to keep things exciting.

However, there are the times when someone really isn’t feeling you anymore, and THAT hurts. It took me a long time to get over a comment like that, especially since I was still very much in love with the person (though the title of this article says “love” not “in love,” and is there a difference?). But even if someone doesn’t love you anymore, it still has more to do with THEM, not you.

srv2
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 05:35 pm: [report]

I think there is a difference between being “in love” and “loving” someone. Sometimes the reason why relationships drag on so long past their “expiration” date is because people cannot make that distinction. I’m not sure if that was my mistake because the breakup is so fresh, but it could be a possibility.

Gingee
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 09:11 am: [report]

*smiling*

Of course I could get over hearing that.  My POV, for all it is worth:

Relationships end in three ways:  He dies, she dies or love dies.

If the guy is just some fella I’m dating, and he were to chirp that at me, I’d probably smile and say, “You are probably right.  Good luck on the rest of your life,” and I’d be so gone.

Love means that the other person’s happiness is as important to you as your own.  If a guy cannot or will NOT do that, he is TMW:  Too Much Work.

sportzriter13
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 09:24 am: [report]

after a couple of months, my BF told me that he wasn’t sure about how he felt. We saw each other the next day (working at an airshow), we talked, I finally let go and cried in his arms. We had that one, kinda awkward day, and when we were talking later he explained that he wanted to make things work, and that he wanted to make sure he meant it when he said it. Basically we had a rough patch. We got over it and now we can’t say it enough. But what we do more of now is “showing” and not just “saying” it. Showing isn’t just affection either. Even though we don’t live together, he’s been more then eager to help me with chores. Something as simple as helping with the dishwasher, helps me appreciate him even more.
Don’t let “I love you” become an empty phrase.

aquamarine
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 09:53 am: [report]

@Shasta, I think you hit the nail on the head.  I’m sorry guys and gals, 20 years of marriage + a midlife crisis is just not equal to a couple months or even a couple years of dating.  If you’re dating and your significant other tells you they don’t love you, suck it up and move on. Dating is a time when you are essentially testing each other for fitness in a longer-term partnership. Marriage/domestic partnership is a commitment—the testing phase is over—and after many years of a shared life and children, you are almost FORCED to try to duck, at least for a little while. A previous poster wrote “wounds are wounds”...this is true, but you really have to consider the level of investment you have in the other person.

stormygirl
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]

@aquamarine, you and shasta are right. a couple of years of dating does not equal 2 decades of marriage, kids, jobs, a home, etc. If that happened to me I would because of a lifetime of learning how to see situations and relationships and people for what and who they really are, duck and step back and tell him if you don’t love me anymore then go to the closet, gather your things and go. It would still hurt, but I would try not to take it personally. I wouldn’t want to stay with someone that doesn’t want to be with me. and I’m not going to beg, plead, and cry.

bogart4017
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]

Don’t bother with someone who suddenly is unsure about their feelings for you. If they can’t show you the way they came in—-show them the way out…and give them cab fare to get to it.

star a.
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 01:57 pm: [report]

@srv2,  you asked if one could maintain a friendship with an ex

I’m finding it to be even harder then the actual break-up.  I have been broken up with my ex for 5 months.  IF this were a no more contact break-up, I feel that a good amount of time has passed for me to have moved on without him.  But because of our friendship I haven’t fully been able to let go.  I feel the same way you do; I truely think that we can be friends one day, just not now.  One person is always going to have a harder time letting go in the beggining.  if you maintain your contact you will just be dragging out the process of starting your new life with out one another.  I say give yourself time to forget about him and experience new things.  This way when you do decide to be friends you will have even more things to talk about.

question for you:  How would you handle having to see your ex all the time?  The reason I am having difficulty with letting go is because I see my ex all the time.  one month before we broke up he moved a block away from me AND he works outside my work.  I feel trapped!  any thoughts on what I should do?

mararuss
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 03:01 pm: [report]

@abdrums

Reading your story, it was as if I was reading my own.  In April, after nearly 2 yrs of marraige + 5 yrs of dating, he told me he was no longer in love either.  Like so many others, I didn’t believe it (not sure if that’s the stubborn, overly hopeful view or the rational view).  Either way, I moved out but only for 2 months.  At the beginning of Jun, we decided to try again, but NOTHING has changed.  I also feel like it’s his responsibility to step up since he declared the lack of love, yet he hasn’t taken a single step to show a new start or to repair the hurt in his original comments.  In the meantime, we fight about every little thing because there is no foundation of trust or feelings of love.  I’m leaning toward moving out again but also am not sure what to do next honestly.

But since you asked for suggestions, I would just say do not return to the same situation as I did based on purely your hope/belief that you still love him and can work it out.  It takes two; love from one person is not enough.  In fact, it hurts more to love and not be loved in return.  I am trying to duck and let him resolve his feelings, but in the meantime, it hurts.  As the days pass, it becomes harder, not easier, to try to let it roll off of me and wait for him to resolve his issues.

fallonthecity
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 12:22 am: [report]

I agree with the posters saying that Munson’s duck-and-wait-him-out method is more appropriate for her two decades of marriage and shared life with this man.  Whether you can get past someone you love telling you (whether they mean it or not) that they don’t love you is something, I think, that varies among people and relationships.  It happened to me with my first “grown-up” relationship in college—and that was the end of that.  But if the same thing happened after 20 years of marriage or cohabitation?  I don’t know.

bjoontheupside
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 07:49 pm: [report]

When my ex-husband told me he didn’t love me anymore, well actually, he gave me that great line, “I love you. I’m just NOT in love with you anymore.” On the inside I was screaming, but on the outside, I just simply accepted it because I knew from the look on his face that there was no way to change his mind. I realized why that was on the day of our divorce when I found out that he had met and began a relationship with another woman a couple of months prior. I definitely felt like I had been kicked in the stomach. I just always believed him when he talked about the respect he had for me. Several months after our divorce he got back in touch and declared his love for me. Naturally, I was naive enough to believe it because I loved him. I told him we’d have to take things slowly, that I wasn’t going to rush back into anything with him. He understood, even expressed to me how he would do anything to make our relationship work. Within a week I found out that he was dating not one but two other woman. I can honestly say that I don’t know this man anymore, probably never did because I certainly never thought he was capable to doing the things he did. To say the least, I’m a bit jaded by this experience. I’ve been in a serious relationship since then, but I honestly don’t know if I’ll ever marry again. I just don’t know…

majicksand
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]

I told my ex-husband that I did not love him and wasn’t sure I ever truly did.  I still maintain that position.  It was not said in anger or in an attempt to be cruel.  It was simple truth.  I would never have been that blunt had he not forced me to it.  He wouldn’t let go.  He tried to force me to be with him for all the wrong reasons—money, the kids, fear of being alone… the usual.

The fact is, when he and I got together I was on the rebound and emotionally shattered.  He knew it and used it.  Our marriage was never really based on love.  It was co-dependency at its worst.  In the end, I was the one willing to admit it.

itzie03
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 01:41 pm: [report]

Just wanted to add my 2 cents, especially regarding the staying friends issue!

I broke up with my boyfriend of 3.5 years about 2 years ago, a little more.  A few months after he and I broke up, I got a text from him, asking if I had just stopped loving him.  To the contrary, I have never stopped.  But our lives were going in different directions, and for more reasons than I’d like to list here, it was time for our relationship to end.  It was incredibly sad, but I am also confident that it was absolutely the best thing for the both of us.  As someone mentioned here before, just because two people love each other, they’re not necessarily “meant” to be together.

As far as being friends:  I desperately wanted to remain friends with my ex after our breakup, but I knew that being friends right away was simply not a possibility.  So I gave him space, even when he didn’t want it, and it was a long time before we talked again.  It was hard; even though I was the one who did the breaking up, I was still torn up about it.  So I gathered a contingent of friends I could call when I woke up crying at 2 am, instead of calling him.  Despite my wanting to talk to him, I didn’t want to get back together, and I didn’t want to torment him with false hopes.  Amazingly, this strategy worked out better than I could have hoped.  After about a year, when we were both in new relationships, we started to chat again, and I can happily call him my friend.  Of course, we avoid sensitive subjects, and we’re not bff, but we see each other for lunch every couple of months to catch up, and email back and forth.  He’s someone I’d like to have in my life for a long time, and I think that putting space between us in the immediate aftermath of our breakup made that possible.

I don’t think all relationships are the same by any means, so I can’t say this would work for everyone, but it definitely helped.

itzie03
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]

Oh!  and I forgot to mention before:  several people have mentioned the indignity of crying/begging/pleading etc.  While those moments of my life were certainly not my proudest, I don’t think they’re something to be ashamed of.  While poise is probably the better way to handle it, how can you be ashamed of fighting for something you truly love and believe in?

leavesleavetrees
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 12:42 am: [report]

@itzie03, I’m young and inexperienced in most matters of love, but I’ve seen friends crying/begging/pleading and it can be so disgustingly pathetic. In all cases, it was because they were weak and afraid to be alone, and even did it in my presence. Maybe there are times when it’s necessary and called for, but I can’t ever imagine myself acting so shamelessly, so worthlessly. It really makes me sick… But that may change one day, though I sure hope I am never that girl.

gurlfriday
wrote on August 8 2009 @ 09:54 pm: [report]

If a man says “I’m not in love with you anymore”, walk away. Plain & simple.

Maybe it’s easier to say than “you’re bad in bed” or “you’re a total bitch” or “you’re too needy”, etc.

Why is this concept so hard to grasp?

beejcee
wrote on August 8 2009 @ 10:37 pm: [report]

Let’s face it, no one wants to hear these words from the one they love—EVER!  But I would have preferred to hear those words uttered by my (now ex-) husband rather than hearing them from the woman he was with committing adultery. 

Instead I found out when the other woman showed up at my door to show me the engagement ring my husband had given her, paid for with money he withdrew from my checking account.

majicksand
wrote on August 10 2009 @ 05:03 pm: [report]

@beejcee:  Wow, ouch.  Not to be crude, but I sincerely hope you popped that disrespectful bitch right in the mouth.  Sometimes subtlety and maturity are over-rated.

FreeSpirit
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 01:19 am: [report]

We had been together five years when my husband told me he no longer loved me and wanted a divorce.  I was shattered.  We had a six-month-old baby, and I had just quit my job to be a stay-home mom.  He said there was no one else, but of course there was.

I had been living in a fool’s paradise for months.  Everyone knew about his girlfriend.  I had wondered why his mother was angry at him, and why some of our friends seemed to be avoiding us. 

Time has healed the wounds, and also wounded the heel.  Today my ex-husband is divorced from his second wife.  She left him for another man, breaking his heart as he had once broken mine.

SonaliM
wrote on December 1 2009 @ 09:11 pm: [report]

My ex used to be all full of dialogues about how I am his first love (which wasn’t true though!) and how he would be all alone without me etc etc….and then keep abusing me when he got angry.  Then when we broke up he was angry at me (for not putting up with his and his sister’s abusiveness) and to teach me a lesson he finds a girl and gets married in about 2 months! That too all of a sudden he posts a picture of his fiancee on a social networking site for my friends to see and tell me…to have a dramatic shocking effect on me.
Amazingly, apparently he met a friend of mine a month before his wedding and looked all sad and upset about how he is missing me!! They day before his wedding he sends me an email that he still misses me and I am his life and the woman he got married to know she is only his wife (not sure what that means..a baby producing machine???).  And then he says he did this because he was angry at me   that I had backed out after he abused me!!  Imagine the guts!! A couple of days later he and his wife start posting pics of their dates and wedding on the networking sites in open albums for my viewing pleasure!  So he apparently started seeing this woman almost immediately. 
So for some people what they say doesn’t mean a thing.  This guy said a lot…but was too selfish to love anybody but himself.

Gingee
wrote on December 2 2009 @ 10:17 am: [report]

Oh my gosh.  Even though we do not know each other, I am very relieved that you got away from that Emotional Vampire.

My ONLY WISH: That you had kicked him to the curb after he uttered that first attempt at manipulation, when he mewled that “he would be all alone without me.”  Even if that were true, What About Your Needs?

Cynical me would suggest that the former E.V. is not missing you as much as he is missing the drama of being at the center of attention.

“to have a dramatic shocking effect on me.”  And you are smart enough to realize that the best reaction is to have no reaction. 

Living well and finding a better mate also are good.

Take care of yourself, and going out on a limb: Next time, select the guy who you can love almost as much as you love yourself.

Happy Holiday wishes.

GinGee

nacho22
wrote on December 2 2009 @ 01:13 pm: [report]

Ok Wow this seems to be happening a lot!!! I have to admit I do still love my husband and I wish he would come to his senses!  But since we have no kids I decided to move out of our house and move to another state, because I didn’t want to waste time waiting on him to decide if he still loved me.  Now I do admit me talk almost on a daily basis, and I can tell its starting to hit him hard.  He is lonely and doesn’t have anyone to talk to!  And I am smiling “a little” on the inside!  He told me he was lonely and I told him that its his fault that he is lonely! 
But you know, I have decided that its time to make myself happy and if he doesn’t want to love me someone else will!  So I have begun dating and while in the process of making myself happy, if he comes to his senses…Sorry for him!  I have already moved on!  And I truly hope he regrets the pain he has put me through and suffers himself!  Because there is nothing in the world that hurts more than the love of your life telling you they aren’t in love with you anymore!  OUCH!

SonaliM
wrote on December 3 2009 @ 07:25 am: [report]

Thanks GinGee. Emotionl Vampire is a very appropriate description for him.  Even though I did realize what he was doing….he was successful in his attempts….he got whatever effects he wanted to have on me and more!!  He knew that since I don’t have much support and bonding with my family his ‘plan’ would have all the more effect on me!  He was such a jerk..he sent me a bunch of abusive emails on valentines day weekend this yr (which is why we broke up)...and then got married on the week of my birthday!. 
but when I realized what he was doing (after he started putting up those pictures), in response I put up pictures of screen shots of some of those EV-type emails and pics of him and me just a of couple months prior to the wedding taken in exactly the same pose as he took with his wife!!

Amberbunny
wrote on December 5 2009 @ 12:07 pm: [report]

Positively BRILLIANT!  I’m living this.  I cried, I melted, I ranted, raved, begged, talked of how unfair it was . . .after all my support through depression, weight gains, family issues, lack of intimacy . . .in short, I completely compromised my self respect and dignity. My wife lost control of her life, but she damn sure could control my emotions. It gave her universe a sense of order, she squeazed, I dropped to my knees and cried a river. .  .I really love my wife . . .faithful for 23 years . . .this article ripped the cataracts of my eyes.  She began smoking, drinking, listening to hard core music.  For 23 years she despised smoking, drinking, drugs, and the Eagles were considered dope smoking devil worship music.  It all makes sense now . . .complete midlife crisis and she has yet to accept this.  It is sad, but she demands the divorce . . .after 23 years of passionately telling me daily how much she loved me . . .she wakes up and tells me not only do I not love you, but I haven’t in many years.  She is still lost in this “new” personality . . .I fear she will get better . . .she will come back . . .but it will be too late and I will have closed off my feelings from her forevor.  I have begged and begged not to do this . . .time to take charge of my emotions and turn her off in my life.