Eight Conversation Killers to Avoid
Posted by: DivineCaroline.com
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Wednesday June 17th 2009
Recently, I was taking in a rare sunny day on my lunch break, when I ran into an acquaintance. The first thing she said to me wasn’t “Hi” or “How are you?” but “Wow, you look so tired!” I don’t even remember my immediate response because I was too focused on my depleting self-esteem levels. I wanted to say, “Gee, thanks. Actually, I was feeling pretty rested and refreshed until you said that,” but I changed the subject instead.
I’d love to say this was an isolated incident, but accidentally insulting comments like “Rough night?” or “You seem so frazzled!” are surprisingly commonplace in social situations. Most of the time, the people who say them are well-intentioned, but that doesn’t take the sting out of an unintentional slight. So what are the most common offenders when it comes to the worst things you can say to people?
1. “You look tired/stressed/angry.”
Nobody wants to hear that her face is marked by under-eye circles or a perpetual frown. Based on my informal research (read: asking friends), people tend to say these things when we’re feeling quite the opposite, which then makes us insecure and guarantees we’ll spend the rest of the day looking tired or upset.
2. “When’s the baby due?”
The fact that this egregious error still occurs baffles me—don’t people know by now that one should never, ever ask a woman about an impending baby unless she’s specifically told you that she’s expecting? And even then, I might wait to see an ultrasound picture until I commented on it to be extra sure.
3. “No offense, but …”
Basically, this person is saying, “I’m about to say something highly offensive.” Ordering someone not to be offended doesn’t make it acceptable. If the remark’s so bad it needs to come with a warning, it’s probably best left unsaid.
4. “Boy, you must’ve been hungry.”
Nothing makes people self-conscious faster than somebody commenting about the voracity or speed of their eating. Ultimately, this is a pointless thing to say anyway—the only responses are “Yes” or “I guess,” which does nothing for conversation and just ends up making others feel bad about the potentially impolite nature of their dining style.
5. “You’re so skinny!”
Some people might think this is a nice thing to say, especially if the person’s trying to lose weight, but the adjective “skinny” is not necessarily a complimentary one, especially since it’s usually said with a hint of accusation and leaves the recipient of the odd comment unsure of how to answer.
6. “Wow, you’re huge!”
This is usually something said to pregnant woman, most of whom don’t want to be reminded about their growing bellies and unfamiliarly large bodies. “Wow, you’re glowing!” is a much more welcome observation.
7. “When are you getting married/having kids?”
Frankly, if you have to ask this, it’s probably none of your business—otherwise, the couple would tell you themselves. Bringing up this issue (usually a pretty loaded one among couples) only invites awkwardness and hidden resentment.
8. “You’d be so much prettier if you smiled more.”
This has got to be one of my biggest pet peeves. I can’t count the number of times complete strangers have approached me and told me to smile more, and it’s happened to plenty of my female friends, too. Saying someone would look better by changing his/her appearance (especially by doing something phony and ridiculous like constantly faking a grin) is akin to saying that how he/she looks isn’t good enough.
Now that we know what we shouldn’t say, what happens when we let one of these no-no comments slip—and what do we say when they come our way? According to Lizzie Post, author and spokesperson at the Emily Post Institute (which just launched Etiquette Daily, a Q&A blog about common etiquette issues), the best response is a positive one. “The best thing to do is be polite … Just act like you didn’t notice it had the potential to be insulting,” she advises. “Their intention wasn’t to insult you. It’s a roll-with-the-punches kind of thing.” This isn’t to say that people shouldn’t vocalize their discomfort or hurt feelings, but there’s a time and a place for that. For instance, if it’s a close friend who constantly makes these types of comments, it might be best to bring it up later when both parties are calm. “You are always allowed to stand up for yourself, but right in the moment isn’t the best time,” Lizzie says.
If you’re the one who made the mistaken comment, a simple “I’m sorry” will suffice. Whatever you do, don’t focus too much on your contriteness. “Talk about something else. You want to get off that subject ASAP,” Lizzie explains. “The worst thing is when someone over-apologizes. Then you’re reliving it again and again.” Express regret sincerely and then move on to another subject rather than making a big deal out of the situation.
With such universally negative reactions to these types of comments, why do they remain such fixtures in our interactions with people? Lizzie has one hypothesis.“I think that for the normal, well-intentioned person, it’s simply noticing a slight difference and trying to connect with someone else,” she says. So why waste energy and emotions over an unintentionally offensive statement? Understand the person is just trying to find something to say, and while he or she may have chosen the absolute worst thing to say, there’s no reason to let that get us down. That is, unless the person asks about a baby’s due date that doesn’t exist—that kind of stupidity just can’t be ignored.
By Vicki Santillano. Want to read more? Visit DivineCaroline.com or check out these related stories:
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fallonthecity
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 10:35 am: [report]
I’ve never understood why people mistake overweight women for being pregnant. Pregnant bellies are obviously pregnant bellies, and overweight bellies are obviously not.
JackieO
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]
what about the “oh you don’t look well are you sick?” I felt fine until you mentioned it. gee
Queen Frostine
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 11:14 am: [report]
I hate when random men will say “hey baby, keep your chin/head up!”
If my head’s down, I’m contemplating something or looking down to make sure my high heel isn’t twisting between a cobblestone or sewer grate. I’m not suffering from insecurity issues.
rsonnack
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
People ALWAYS come up to me and say “OH, you look so tired!” I’ve always had a problem with dark circles under my eyes even when I get plenty of sleep, so it’s something I’m always conscious of and cover it up with concealer when I put makeup on in the morning. And of course they always tell me I look tired on the days that I didn’t have time to put on makeup. It’s like, I know, thanks for making me feel even more self-conscious than I already did.
alleigh25
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 12:22 pm: [report]
It’s especially annoying when people say “You’re so skinny” to someone who’s struggling with an eating disorder. For one, they don’t see it as being true, but at the same time, it’s usually an expression of envy that sets it up as being a desirable quality, which reinforces the desire to be skinny. And if you’re recovering, it’s just awkward and makes things harder.
I never understood why people felt the need to ask random strangers when the baby’s due. If you don’t know them, even if you’re CERTAIN they’re actually pregnant, why would you care?
becktasm
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 12:54 pm: [report]
You know what I hate? Really obvious statements. Backstory: I’m 6’1”. And you know what I hear ALL THE TIME?
“Oh, you’re soooo tall!”
OH MY GOD, REALLY? YOU MEAN I TOWER ABOVE THE REST OF THE POULATION, MALE AND FEMALE? I HADN’T NOTICED!
I swear I get this at least once a day, from complete strangers. It’s normally followed by “Do you play basketball/volleyball?” or “Do you model?” (Or, my least favorite, “Why are you wearing heels? You’re tall enough already!) Though I did have one guy who made this astute observation follow it up by comparing me to a “mighty redwood” and saying he wanted to “climb” me, so that was refreshing.
Slightly off topic: I also have a twin brother, and I can’t tell you how many times people have asked me if we’re identical.
*facepalm*
helene
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 01:23 pm: [report]
“You’re so skinny” is one of my pet peeves. It’s usually followed by “It must be nice to be able to eat whatever you want”.
With irritable bowel syndrome, no, I really can’t eat whatever I want, lest I bring on another attack. If you, um, lost a lot of calories regularly, you’d be skinny too.
Of course, there’s no way to politely point that out.
Oh, and thanks for reminding me about my nearly nonexistent boobs, and no hips.
Kati-Anne
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 03:58 pm: [report]
@beckstam- I can sympathize. I get kind of sick of the ‘Wow, you’re really tall’ comments followed by the mandatory basketball/volleyball/model/can-you-get-that-off-the-top-shelf-for-me question. I’ve developed the bad habit of turning the conversation really awkward after a stupid comment about my height. Occasionally, if I’m in a really bad mood I’ll shoot back “No I’m not, you’re just really short. Are you a jockey or part of the lollipop guild?”
I got “Did you just roll out of bed?” when I walked into work yesterday. Actually, I didn’t, but thanks for asking.
Antiquity
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 04:05 pm: [report]
@Beckstam I’m totally with you on this! Im about a smidge short of 6ft. and I get the tall comments all the time to which I usually reply with the biggest eyeroll in history and walk away. lol. The redwood thing was the funniest thing ever.
I think these are so true though. As a cashier I can tell you I’ve heard most of these and thought, “god… Did you actually just ask/say that to me…” I have one lady in particular that’s a store regular and she’s constantly telling me I should smile or not be so “angry”. I really want to tell her, “Just because I don’t like to hide my loathing of my job like other cashiers doesn’t mean you should tell me how to behave.”
sam04
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 04:51 pm: [report]
I hate when someone opens a conversation with a thinly veiled insult. I recall one night specifically when I was feeling quite good about myself and an employee of my boyfriend took one look at me and gasped “Are you okay? You look SOOO tired!” I wanted to kick her in the shins. However, it didn’t really affect my self-esteem. She was really into kickboxing at the time and was kind of hunchbacked from uneven muscle development. I’d rather look tired than like Quasimodo!
Kati-Anne
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 07:07 pm: [report]
@ Antiquity
Are we the same person? Because we seem to have the same life.
Antiquity
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 08:44 pm: [report]
@Kati-Anne lol. I dont know… Do you work at a craft/home decor store also? Or are you in the state of Indiana?
becktasm
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 10:28 pm: [report]
@Kati-Anne: Haha I normally say, “Well, now that you mention it, studies of human remains over past centuries have shown that as the human race has developed, people (men and women) have gotten significantly taller. So I’m not only taller than you, I’m actually more highly evolved.”
This works. Trust.
develange
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 03:38 pm: [report]
@ becktasm: schwing! except, I’m not tall :(
ugh, the whole “no offense” thing. I can’t help but judge people who say that.
as for #5, UGH!! I’m already thin, so when I lost a bunch of weight from mono, it was pretty noticeable/gross. All I heard for weeks were comments about my body. As if I didn’t already know I looked like #&@$%.
People still do that “youre so skinny!” remark. Makes me want to say, “no offense, but, can you please shut the #&@$% up? k thx”
GreenAura
wrote on June 18 2009 @ 03:52 pm: [report]
@ the tall gals: I get height comments too, but at the opposite end of the spectrum. I’m like 5’1” and people love to ask “how did you get so short” (wtf??) or “too much coffee stunt your growth eh?” (seriously!) But my favorite comment came from my hubbys grandpa. The first thing he said to me when we met was “Wow, someone cut your legs off!” I know it sounds bad, but I loved him from the start! Maybe it was the fact that he was much more creative about bringing up my height than other people have been. Besides, I’m not short… I’m fun-sized