Confessions Of A Former Ball Buster
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
10:30AM, Friday November 6th 2009
I am what you might call a “ball buster.” My ex-fiance’s dad always used to laugh when I would tease his son, taking him down a notch or two when he was being cocky or arrogant. He would say, “Man, you really know how to take his knees out!” His wife was similar in her approach, probably because her husband and my fiance—father and son—were temperamentally alike and could take (in fact, needed) the occasional—OK, frequent—ribbing.
That relationship lasted nearly five years so I got rather used to playing the role of ball buster in a romantic relationship. I was constantly poking fun at my ex, mimicking his voice when he was on the phone with clients (it went down a couple octaves), laughing about his “caveman feet,” and occasionally pointing out his minuscule bald spot (which resulted in him going on Propecia). When he would get braggy or overstate his importance in some way, I would call him out. It was funny and I think it humbled him. Looking back, there were probably times I took it too far.
What I am discovering, as I’ve been dating someone new for the last few months, is that old habits die hard and the role you play in one relationship doesn’t always apply to the next. My jokes at his expense have hurt my new guy’s feelings or offended him a few times and it sucks. I’ve never really hurt someone’s feelings before—made them angry, sure, but wounded them? Me? But maybe my constant ball-busting, which elicited laughs from his parents, actually hurt my ex’s feelings too, and he just never said anything.
There are a lot of other habits from that relationship that I’m giving up—farting in close proximity, cleaning up after messes that are not my own, nagging, being needlessly insecure. Ball-busting was one I didn’t think about, but I’m realizing it’s among the first that’s gotta go. Intention is everything, but hurting someone unintentionally is no excuse not to say sorry or to change your behavior so it doesn’t happen again. So yeah, I was a ball buster. Maybe I’ll take some more knees out again. But for now, I’m putting my crowbar away.
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Morwen
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]
That sounds like a scary thing to do as ballbusting is, after all, just a way of ‘preventive-defense’(that’s not a word, is it?).
So I guess, when you find someone you don’t need to be defensive with, you don’t need the crowbar anymore?
meredith806
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:45 am: [report]
I think that picture might traumatize some of the guys here..just saying;)
SCRMOM
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:46 am: [report]
I haven’t been around TF long enough to know the history with you ex, but I wish you luck with your new guy.
LOL - I said these exact same words yesterday while refereeing a fight between my kids.
Riley
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:46 am: [report]
Oh, please don’t…the occasional ribbing is something I love. I can’t be around people that are unable to laugh at themselves every now and then. I’m not talking playground-type teasing, but jokes are jokes.
The majority of the super-serious folks I know don’t handle stress very well.
SCRMOM
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:47 am: [report]
oops - “your ex”
Pookie
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]
I’m with Riley, a joke here and there is nothing. you’ve GOT TO be able to laugh at yourself. Or risk being a sad bitter person.
mayorbubbles
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:51 am: [report]
i used to do that all the time to one of my older guy friends and I did the same thing with someone i met more recently and they were like “Why would you say that?” i was like “I’m just joking. Lighten up a little.”
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]
i give my gf hell, and she gives it right back. i wouldnt have it any other way.
FrzKey
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
Meh, sometimes it’s a bad thing but if you’re really clear just how much you really love your guy a little occasional good natured ribbing should be acceptable. Of course in this situation turnabout is fair play, so if you’re not prepared to have that kind of attention turned back on you - definitely cut it out and cut it out early before it becomes a habit you can’t break.
meredith806
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
and on the actual article.. I’m pretty bad about this too. I ride horses and have come to the conclusion that us horse back riders are a pretty um..rowdy and violent crowd. Not to mention some of my best friends are guys that need their egos bruised pretty regularly so they don’t blow up;) So I have to check myself sometimes around my boyfriend. Yes he can take a joke, and thankfully knows I’m way sarcastic, but he can also be a tad sensitive and has a limit.
Meg
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:54 am: [report]
How is it bad? I agree with Pookie and Riley. I’d rather be with someone who can laugh at himself and give me a hard time now and then, than with someone insecure and humorless.
bogart4017
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]
Sensitive types are not going to take to this type of sense of humor. Nor will guys who had ball-busters as mothers. The type of ball-busting mother that seldom had an encouraging word. Best to find all that out before you wield that crowbar.
DancerNinja
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:56 am: [report]
A person has to be able to take a joke, but even if you laugh and shrug something off at first, if the same “joke” gets pecked at, the hardest shell will get upset.
Plus, every single one of us has an insecurity or two, and no matter how light hearted and unintentional it is, a jab at that can wound. When two people are getting to know each other, it’s likely a jokester will poke at that at some point.
I am a poker and prodder, and I’ve had to learn the hard way how to read people early on and figure out what is and isn’t funny to someone.
Morwen
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 10:59 am: [report]
Maybe the secret is in balance: half of love and half of busting.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 11:00 am: [report]
I thought this was for the fetish….
SCRMOM
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse: For some of
usthem, it is.lawyrgrl
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 11:12 am: [report]
I never could stand people who can’t take a joke. But when a joke is taken too far it stops being funny. Maybe it is less a matter of busting balls and more a matter of strength and frequency.
P. G.
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]
There’s nothing wrong with it as long as you’re comfortable with each other. I do think trying it with someone relatively new, who doesn’t really have good sense of your personality yet, could come off as insulting
LostInStars
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 11:58 am: [report]
My boyfriend and I tease each other a lot. Both of our parents think it’s hysterical. We joke around a lot in front of other people because we love to make people laugh. And despite it being true, it’s just not funny to say, “Oh, we love each other so much and we’re incredibly happy.” It’s much funnier to make fun of each other and leave the lovin’ for later. I can see how it wouldn’t work for everyone, and occasionally we’ve both taken it too far, but 98% of the time we know what the other can handle in terms of ribbing.
Shasta
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]
OK YOU BALLBUSTERS -
There’s a huge difference between someone who can’t take a joke or needs a reality check and someone who doesn’t thrive on emotional abuse, which I would hope would be everyone.
I know you’re going to be pissed at this ladies, but WTF is up with ball busting? I don’t think it’s funny. I suppose if you’re with a total a**hole then it becomes a necessity, but why are you with him in the first place?
Is it a superiority thing? You may feel you have the upper hand, but wait until he leaves you because he’s tired of being your bitch.
Plus, most of these guys want you to be their mothers, then the women get all pissy because their boyfriends/husbands don’t make any decisions.
Can’t have it both ways girls.
MuchoMacho
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
shasta - i think a lot of us define ballbusting differently than you do. i consider my gf to be busting my balls or busting my chops when she f’s with me sometimes, but i give as good as i get, and thank god she does too b/c our relationship never would have happened if either of us werent built that way.
but i read what ur saying. i thought kate goswhatever wasnt busting jon’s balls… i thought she was emotionally abusive. now he turns out to be a douche, but during the show he was just a quiet hen-pecked husband. i dont think thats ballbusting. i think thats abuse.
Riley
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:29 pm: [report]
@Shasta - No Oedipus complex here. I have a mother and I prefer to not think of the woman I have a relationship with as my second or replacement mother.
I’m not easily offended, I prefer to be with someone that is somewhat similar in that respect.
hops09
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 12:47 pm: [report]
I’m all for a little all busting b/w me and my girlfriend. As long as it’s good natured and all in good fun. But there is a big distinction b/w giving somebody a hard time and being rude and/or embarrassing them intentionally. Especially in front of other people.
Have fun with you SO and don’t take things so seriously, but you should still think before opening your mouth.
B Khuu
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 02:08 pm: [report]
Sadly… I know exactly what you mean. I don’t want to get rid of this habit completely. (It comes in really handy when at bars and there’s an arrogant SOB trying to run game) But true, my male friends and sometimes guys I date get an overdose of the sass… and maybe sometimes OVER-OVERdose. Maybe I can be a liiiiittttlllleee nicer.
majicksand
wrote on November 6 2009 @ 05:09 pm: [report]
My husband and I tease but kindly. We’ve both had exes who thought humiliation was funny.
og217
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 01:00 am: [report]
As others have said, moderation is key. Moderation in public should be increased. and I don’t see anything funny about teasing someone about balding to the point where they stock up on creepy chemicals. How would you like to have a guy constantly “joke” about your saggy, lopsided boobs and present you with tubes of “boob-a-lot” and brochures for surgery? yeah, not nearly as funny.
og217
wrote on November 9 2009 @ 01:04 am: [report]
I used to be this way too - I just had to be the funniest person in the room. But you know what? Guys didn’t like me. I mean, as a buddy, sure, lots! But no one liked the brash, loud, me and I don’t see men liking other hilariously sardonic and constantly ball busting women. Some are intimidated by these women’s presense and scared to be made fun of, but in my experience, all the successful, confident, attractive men just don’t LIKE that type of girl. They don’t need to take abuse just to hook up. And they are embarassed to be with the loudest, most attention-seeking person in the room. Its not classy and its not sexy. I had to cut it out and really, its worked wonders. For my friendships as well, with everyone.