Cheated: When The Girlfriend & The Other Woman Meet
Posted by: Lena Chen
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Saturday September 13th 2008
I’ve had a lot of practice at telling women that their boyfriends are cheating on them with me.
Sometimes it feels as if I’m a military representative knocking on the door of a newly widowed army wife. “Hello, my name is Lena. You don’t know me but I’m a friend of your husband’s. There’s something I have to tell you. You might want to sit down for this.” And then without me having to even say a word, she can already surmise that something is terribly wrong. The man she loves is dead, or at least, her relationship is.
Maybe she’ll never leave, maybe they’ll even get married, or at the very least, she’ll forgive him, in which case I will be forgotten and things will revert once again to how they used to be.
After repeating this cycle three or four times, I’ve started to notice certain patterns in the way girlfriends respond. Once the girlfriends get over the initial shock, they want to hear everything, all the particulars, the dirtier the better and the easier to get over him with. I swallow the awkwardness to describe every touch and taste. I get more honest than I’d like. I tell them the rawest details about my sex life, lay bare my sexual proclivities and reveal what he did to serve them. I recount to them exactly how far things went before I realized something didn’t quite feel right.
I have had these conversations with girlfriends over coffee, in their places of employment, but mostly, over the phone. Sometimes, these women are acquaintances of mine. Other times, we are speaking for the first time. It is never easy. It is never completely expected. They almost always express a desire to be my friend. “I wish we could talk in person. You seem like such a cool girl,” some say. There is a feeling of sisterhood formed from these conversations, as if being betrayed by the same man means we share the same blood. Look at the common storm we’ve weathered. Look what we survived.
I fancy myself a guardian angel of sorts. The men are unlikely to tell the truth, so the burden of exposing deception lies with me – a party who’s been unwittingly deceived herself. But at least I’m not usually months deep into a relationship; the girlfriends are, and I feel for them. I badly want to help. I would drop everything in a second if one of these girls needed me to. And so I counsel them in the aftermath, allay their worries about going at life alone, answer frantic text messages and middle-of-the-night phone calls. In return, I am rewarded with innumerable thank yous and sleep a little easier knowing they are wiser.
Perhaps I feel responsible for the transgressions, as if there were signs I missed that could have prevented all of this. Or more likely, maybe I can relate because I know precisely how they have been manipulated. I want them to know they’re not alone and they’re not crazy, regardless of how their boyfriends may spin the situation. I know these men too. I know the feel of their lips and the shape of their lies. I am intimately familiar with their tricks and their effortless denial. These women are far from crazy. Their men have merely been figured out.
But mutually betrayed or not, we are still not sisters and it’s silly, really, this desire for a bond forged over shared turmoil. Even if I think all that I do creates a sense of solidarity, the reality is that I have much less at stake than they do. Even if they are grateful that someone told them the truth, let’s be honest: how thankful can someone really be for a favor that they never requested? What are they going to do, send me a fruit basket with a note, “Thanks for informing me my relationship, as I know it, is over”?
Besides, most of the superficial pretensions about sisterhood fall away as soon as the men are confronted. Like those in mourning, girlfriends experience denial and doubt when told that something is wrong. I could be an admirer scorned or an unstable ex, after all. How well do they know me, this strange other woman who came from nowhere? What are my motivations for intruding on their perfect-until-now relationship? Am I to be trusted over the man they love?
Sometimes, this denial passes but often, the girls decide to sustain their delusions and it is at this point that sisterly love turns into hostile suspicion. Worse than having to wake them up from their dreams is to have some of them turn back over and willingly fall down the rabbit hole all over again. It’s almost frustrating enough for me to swear off ever trying to be honest again. What’s the point if I just get written off? After being misled by a man, I then have to deal with being distrusted by a woman I’m only trying to help. It makes me feel like not only is this a thankless duty, but that I can’t even do my damn job right. Listen, I want to tell them, I didn’t sign up for this. I didn’t want to be the harbinger of bad news.
I’m not saying that men can’t be sorry or that relationships can’t be salvaged or that every woman acts like an idiot about cheating. But in my experience, most people prefer to go about the aftermath with optimistic delusions rather than level-headedness.
Last Christmas night, a woman came to me asking for the truth. I spent four hours on the phone confirming her worst suspicions about her almost-fiancé. I’d been hooking up with him sporadically for longer than they’d been together. She told me she was leaving him. “I can’t spend the rest of my life looking over my shoulder,” she said. But then New Year’s came and she spent it with him and his family. Well into January, they were still not over. She admitted all of this to me while acknowledging that leaving is easier said than done.
Maybe she’ll never leave, maybe they’ll even get married, or at the very least, she’ll forgive him, in which case I will be forgotten and things will revert once again to how they used to be. I can’t be hurt if she chooses to ignore my warnings. I don’t know what’s at stake for her so I can only try to understand that her decision is nothing personal. These are their lives, not mine. And now that I’ve done my part and told the truth, my job is done. If they choose to move on from the misstep, to move on from me, then so be it. For my own good, I can’t afford to wait around for my desired outcome.
Still, our conversations about shared men, broken trust, and loss of faith have left marks not easily erased by desperate rationalizations. I, too, will have to go about each day just like I did before any of this unraveled. But unlike some of these women, I could never so effortlessly deny all that’s transpired. And every now and then, I still wonder about all the sisters I wish I had.
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rsanni
wrote on September 13 2008 @ 01:58 pm: [report]
I find it reprehensible that you think of yourself as a guardian angel for these women, your “sisters”. You seem to take pleasure in being the savior, and your attempts at honesty amount to nothing more than a woman interested in self service. Why track down these women and give them the juicy details about your trysts with their lovers? Why not just end your relationship with their men and move on? That you would announce your relationships with these men to their girlfriends or spouses so that YOU can sleep easier is absolutely disgusting. You are no friend or sister to the women you meet, and I’m appalled you would even attempt to convince your readers of that.
Alexa
wrote on September 13 2008 @ 02:16 pm: [report]
I found this essay interesting and honest, even if I didn’t necessarily agree with the writers views. Am I right in assuming that you didn’t KNOW the guys had girlfriends when you took up with them? In a way, you’re right to let the girlfriends know that their boyfriends were such scum—but you also seemed to have a little bit of a self-importance about your tattling on them too. Anyway, very interesting and well-written, regardless.
Lynn
wrote on September 14 2008 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
Wow.
This is the most narcissistic piece of garbage I’ve read all day - and I frequent lots of blogs.
You’re a bitch.
SpinDoctor5
wrote on September 15 2008 @ 06:39 am: [report]
I agree with Lynn, you are a piece of work. Karma’s a bitch, and I believe you have a great deal of negative karma headed your way for all of your horrible deeds.
Mia
wrote on September 15 2008 @ 07:40 am: [report]
Ouch… these remarks a little harsh. I’m assuming she’s clueless about the other women at first. I mean, honestly, why would she waste her time ruining the lives of couples by getting with the men? But I see her point of view in wanting/needing to tell the girlfriend, it’s only right for everyone, she didn’t intend for it to happen but these women need to know that their boyfriends can be scumbags.
rsanni
wrote on September 15 2008 @ 08:21 am: [report]
Sure, women need to know their bfs are scum, but calling urself a guardian angel while doing it indicates that she’s not looking to protect the women but rather to stroke their ego. the other commentators are right in calling her narcissistic, although i think bitch is unnecessary and harsh.
Lynn
wrote on September 15 2008 @ 02:54 pm: [report]
First of all, I’d like to point out that the Lynn above is not me, this Lynn, to has been a member for a while.
Anyway, I think it’s good that you tell them. Everyone is getting on your case for being on your high horse or being narcissistic. Sure, it would be “better” if everyone in the world did nice things just to do nice things. But I think everyone, whether we admit it or not, also do nice things for that small part of ourselves that feels better about ourselves for having done it. It’s not ideal, but it’s real, and it’s really not a big deal.
I mean, if everyone did nice things just for the sake of being nice, there wouldn’t be any libraries or colleges named after their benefactors. And I don’t see you all bitching about *them.*
meghan
wrote on September 15 2008 @ 04:05 pm: [report]
This piece and the responses to it are precisely why women as a gender are far worse than men.
I think this piece was shallow and narcissistic. I don’t agree with some of the other comments. But I do think that after the first or second time you’ve been fooled into being the other woman, you wouldn’t be so oblivious any of the other times. Or are you so scared of a real relationship that you purposefully enter into one that is doomed from the start, knowing that you will feel better when it’s over because you did some poor woman a “favor”? It’s an interesting consideration.
Also if you are so desperate for friendship, then work on building positive, healthy relationships instead of wrecking bad relationships.
misosuper
wrote on September 16 2008 @ 12:37 am: [report]
Lena -
I enjoy your writing and I just wanted to say that regardless of how I feel about the choices you make or whatever, the honesty with which you write is refreshing and THANK YOU FOR THAT. No one is perfect - hating on you for honestly confronting your mistakes and learning from them is unfair.
As for me, I have been the girlfriend in these “other woman” situations and, under the circumstances, I do feel a sense of gratitude towards the woman who came forth and informed me of my ex’s indiscretions. In the end, we were both being played, and if she hadn’t come clean, I may still be in an unhealthy relationship with someone who didn’t respect me. I learned a lot about myself in the whole debacle and I couldn’t be more thankful that it came when it did.
Just my two cents.
Me
wrote on September 17 2008 @ 09:59 am: [report]
I understand what she is saying. My husband (10 years and 3 kids) cheated on me. Mostly internet flirting (he’d run off to facebook for ego boosts after any row) but he did apparently sleep with someone too. He’s told endless lies, even when the truth is in front of me (I hacked his facebook). I’ve had good long chats with the other woman, he told her we were over so we were both lied too.
She was the only one to tell me the truth. I’m still with him, not my choice but with no money (why we argue) and 3 children I have no way of leaving him and he refuses to leave me. I’m stuck until the children are old enough for me to work, but at least I know now never to trust him.
Mr. Getting Different Perspectives (And Giving The
wrote on September 18 2008 @ 10:49 am: [report]
A) The author, while being honest, has LARGE character flaws. She tries to make up for these character flaws by attempting to justify what she does, claiming that it is helpful to the other women. What?
‘Hi, yes, you’ve never met me, but let me come inside and destroy your soul. Coffee? Yes, please!’
Are you kidding? Come on!
B) In the post from the 17th, it states that a husband was ‘internet cheating’ and lying, etc. etc. Please define ‘internet cheating’ in this context. Webcams are clearly unacceptable items for use with others when in a monogamous relationship. Lying is also unacceptable. However, I fail to see what harm a husband’s flirtatious use of ONLY words on a computer, that do NOT describe sexual encounters, does to your relationship. ESPECIALLY when it gives him, as you stated, an occasionally confidence boost.
Jeff
wrote on September 19 2008 @ 02:00 am: [report]
Interesting. But tell me, what is a guy supposed to do when he meets his wife’s boyfriend on the side?
lena
wrote on September 22 2008 @ 10:27 pm: [report]
I’m not sure why my column is being construed as “narcissistic” by multiple readers. “Self-righteous” I can understand but besides this obviously being a personal essay, where’s the narcissism?
As for those who commented against informing a woman that her significant other is cheating on her, I think that the best policy is to minimize harm. If it’s a drunken make-out that means nothing, informing her about it will only cause more harm so I wouldn’t advocate revealing that information unprompted. If it’s systematic deceit and rampant cheating, then she needs to know for her own emotional and physical well-being.
afsweetstuff72
wrote on September 20 2009 @ 03:41 pm: [report]
I guess what I don’t understand is how this girl/woman has had so many times where she has been the “Other Girl.” I have dated many people, (not bragging about this at all, stating it just to say that I have had my share of “maybe he’s the right guy….?” Haha…)
BUT Isn’t it obvious if they have a complete seperate life? Didn’t you ever wonder who was always calling him, or why you weren’t allowed to go to their home? At first while reading this blog I was waiting for you to say that you were a hooker at the end of it or something. I’m left confused about the whole thing.
I feel like you get some kind of high from this, which seems incredibly weird.
nothingshocksme
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 06:13 pm: [report]
Just yesterday I called the girlfriend of a guy I’d been seeing to tell her that he cheated on her with me. Before anyone jumps me for cheating…
HE TOLD ME THEY WERE BOKEN UP!
I can’t claim my motivation was completely altruistic. I wanted to make this guys life explode for screwing around with my head and emotions but I also tried to put myself in her situation too. It was going to hurt her to hear what I had to say but personally, I would want to know if my boyfriend was sleeping with another woman (and possibly more)for the past year prior to taking my relationship to the next level so I went with it.
His girlfriend had moved out of state for work for most of last year. While she thought they were staying exclusive; he gave her lip service and did what he felt like doing.He gave me lip service saying they were free agents while she was away.
She had returned to town to resume their relationship and I stepped aside until he approached me a few months later announcing they’d broken up. We began spending time together again until I started getting suspicious that all was not well. He started acting shady so I investigated. I knew my suspicions were correct when he started calling me crazy and delusional.
I wouldn’t have had a problem with this situation if he’d just given me the respect of telling me that he’d gotten back together with her but noooooo….he just continued to lie and ignore my calls and emails when he knew I’d figured it out.
I’m still trying to understand the intricacies around why I couldn’t just walk away from him and never speak to him again. Why did I feel that I needed to figuratively castrate him? I became enraged when he started telling me I was delusional and crazy for accusing him of getting back together with his ex. Something snaps in me when someone tries to tell me I’m imagining things when I know I’m not. The more someone does that to me, the angrier I become and that’s how I got to the point of deciding to call his gf. It was the only way I knew how to get my power back. Right or wrong, that’s what it was about. I didn’t want this #&@$% walking away, keeping his relationship, knowing he’d gotten away with playing me and playing her.
The phone conversation went well. She thanked me, I apologized to her, sent her a year and a half of chats and emails to back up my story and left her to do with it what she will.
Although I would’ve loved to have been a fly on the wall and watch him get his ass kicked really hard, it’s probably best I forget him, learn from this and move on. I don’t regret telling her. Maybe I saved her from investing herself further in someone who would’ve ultimately devistated her life possibly after they were married and had kids.
skywalk
wrote on October 1 2009 @ 06:23 pm: [report]
Off topic but Lynn and Lynn sometimes I see your posts and I’m like when did I write that b/c my first name is Lynn, it must be my blond highlights wtf? It’s happened 3 or 4 times not kidding…
KeyLock
wrote on October 3 2009 @ 10:09 pm: [report]
To the Author: These responses are simply gut reaction responses. They are clearly not thinking deeply about what you are trying to say. I do not agree with publicizing your past relationships, but I do see where it would be better for the girlfriend to be informed that she is being cheated on.
If I were to date a man, I would want to know he cheated. The fact that he cheated would dissipate the idea of having any kind of serious relationship with him. Women who are saying that it’s harmful to inform these women that they’re being cheated on is plain wrong. You are lying to yourselves, and it seems to me that the women that would rather not know enjoy being toyed around by scumbag men. If you didn’t, you’d have enough self respect to do the same as the author did and/or end the relationship with said cheating man.
These women commenting on these articles repeatedly attack the authors of the site, and this only sends the signal that they, the commentator, are at fault. Attacking the author for expressing an opinion on a matter no matter how sensitive is a sign of pure insecurity. I do not condone cheating in any way, or helping a person cheat but I cannot deny that it would be helpful in the end for the one being disrespected to know it all.
nothingshocksme
wrote on October 4 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]
I think there are a lot of men and women who are afraid of conflict, afraid of being alone, afraid of giving up their fantasy version of reality and prefer to be oblivious if it threatens their security. I have to wonder about the emotional and psychological health of the people who were critical of the author exposing cheaters to their significant others.
I’ve seen many people sacrifice their self worth for the sake of perpetuating illusions. The problem with that trade off is that eventually it catches up with you somewhere and many times shows up in some self destructive way; most commonly with an addiction or some other method of distracting yourself from the truth.
In my opinion, holding back the truth to prevent someone from feeling pain is a cowardly excuse. I feel people who cheat are being abusive. If you know someone is cheating and turn the other way, you’re enabling abuse. I think the reason people don’t tell the other person is because THEY don’t want to deal with the emotional distress of the victim so they just avoid it.
I read a quote not too long ago that pretty much sums up how I strive to live my life:
“Deal with everything in truth and honesty, deal with emotions as they come, depend on each other, help each other and deal with what IS instead of what we would like it to be.”