Caught With Your Spanx On
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
style
11:50AM, Tuesday October 13th 2009
Here’s an interesting dilemma some of you may have experienced before: What do you do when you find yourself in a surprise make-out session and happen to be wearing the modern-day chastity belt known as Spanx? For Salon writer, Sarah Hepola, the answer is to fess up the moment his hand gets close to home. “If I’d known we were gonna make out,” she uttered to her newest — and unexpected — paramour this past Friday, as his hand edged closer to the “unmistakable elastic roadblock,” “I so totally would not have worn Spanx.” Oops! But what she discovered while wearing the unfortunate undergarment during a most inopportune time was a reminder that sex isn’t so much about perfection as it is about surprise — namely, the surprise of what’s underneath a person’s clothes, and, most importantly, his or her public exterior.
...we are both, men and women, uncovering surprising details in those moments of intimacy, we are all putting our hand in expecting one thing and discovering another—that the hair is thinner, that the back is hairier, that the body parts are rounder or larger or harder than your fingertips expected. Not that any of this matters necessarily but that it registers, because part of what is thrilling, and terrifying, and unbearably hot about sex is the dismantling of the other person’s public self, the surprise of finding out what is underneath their clothes.
I’m glad she was able to spin the moment — even if only in retrospect — in a way that gave her some perspective. Dismantling another’s “public self” can indeed be “unbearably hot,” but as most guys who have made out with Spanx-clad women can probably attest: it isn’t necessarily sexy. So, have any of you ever unexpectedly been caught wearing unfortunate undergarments? How did you handle it? And, conversely, have you ever dismantled someone’s “public self” only to be so turned off by what you found that the moment was ruined?
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hlnbabe
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 10:54 am: [report]
hahaha… my friend is the champion of spanx. after a heavy night of drinking for her birthday and throwing up in a shower with people helping she STILL managed enough alone time to sneak her spanx of before she was tossed into her pjs and put to bed. she’s my idol…
LaLaLydia
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:03 am: [report]
I think this situation provides an added bonus moment. If you manage to slip away for a moment and stash your spanx in your bag, he then finds no underwear at all. The comfort and support of spanx all night followed by the surprise and suggestion that you’re not the good girl your “public self” presented. Hot!
Humble Bee
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
LOL. Hlnbabe, my friend wasn’t as lucky! She passed out drunk, in the middle of the party with all her spanx exposed. It was hilarious and sad at the same time…
I hate having that Bridgette Jones moment when they’re trying to cop a feel and your wearing spanx or a corsette. Its so embarassing. I’ve learned to ditch the spanx on dates.
CarleRae
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 12:40 pm: [report]
i was just having this internal dialogue last week.
a moment to “freshen up”/excuse oneself just before things get hot and heavy sure is nice… and i agree LaLaLydia—nothing drives guys crazier than the thought that you’ve been under-dressed all night.
Antiquity
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 12:41 pm: [report]
Why are spanx that creepy beige color? Can’t we find some way to make them sexy… lol.
hlnbabe
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 12:59 pm: [report]
@Antiquity: Beige blends against fair skin under clothes, but you can always get it in black. As to making them sexier… I don’t think it’s possible. Underwear that goes from your boobs to your knees pretty much screams awkward.
Nikki715
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:55 pm: [report]
I had to “excuse myself” the first time I hooked up with my current partner to ditch my Spanx AND my “chicken cutlet” bra inserts… I figured he was just drunk enough where he wouldn’t notice the sudden disappearance of my cleavage but I was sooo paranoid that he’d notice I’d taken my purse into the bathroom with me and knew what was up anyway…
The Spanx ditch is soooooo much easier to pull off when it’s just you and him, but throw roommates or other witnesses into the act and there’s a better chance someone’s going to notice the change. 
CaleeKay
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 07:30 pm: [report]
ive never worn spanx except for cheer/gymnastics in highschool, so i dont have that problem..(however i am 20..)
and nikki, why is it weird to take your purse with you to the bathroom? i do it to put on lipgloss or to just keep it from being ‘taken’
smilez133
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 09:28 pm: [report]
I mean, there’s always the big hole in the crotch so you don’t have to take them off to pee. Maybe there were other intentions when they designed them that way…haha
BiancaDivine
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 05:21 pm: [report]
I recently had a “spanx” experience very similar to hlnbabe’s friend’s night out—and I’m still embarrassed thinking about it! I was out with my girlfriends for my birthday recently, and very unexpectedly ended up with a smokin’ hot member of the band that was playing at the club that night. To the best of my memory, I was able to dash into the restroom and remove the spanx BEFORE the action started… but upon blearily opening my make-up encrusted eyes the next morning and scanning the room to find where my clothes lay, I saw my spanx out there, in the open, wrapped up in the clothes they were formerly hidden under. I do believe the truth of the matter was that, as the clothes came off and the lovin’ progressed, we happily ripped off my spanx with a laugh and didn’t give them another thought.
‘Course, the night is kinda bleary (thankfully, I remember what REALLY matters, yum), so eh - who knows HOW the spanx actually came off!
troisheures
wrote on November 2 2009 @ 01:43 pm: [report]
I can’t wear spanx. I would dread the day I’d go out with a guy one night, then another night not wear them since I was expecting to do the dirty deed and hear him say “Weren’t you thinner last time” Or even just see it on his face.
bluefeevah
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]
not only was it “spanx-like” that was wwearing but it had the Hook-and-eye closer at the waist because I was wearing a snug dress. Seriously? it was like Bea Arthur torture contraption. Things were getting hot and heavy and I tried to justify with…“I am wearing this ‘cause..” but he stopped and said “i know, my MOM wears them”. Christ. I am surprised we even got it on after that.
Lesson Learned: Remove support undergarment prior to getting down. Done + Done.