Can We Sue My Hubby’s Ex To Pay For His Vasectomy Reversal?
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
1:30PM, Friday May 1st 2009
Slate’s “Dear Prudence” gets the best letters. This week, “Wishing I’d Got to Him First” wrote in, asking for advice about reversing her husband’s vasectomy. You see, her husband was married before, and his ex-wife “required” him to get his tubes cut because she did not want children. Then, she left him for another man. Now, “Wishing” is married to a man who can’t give her kids, and she wants them—bad.
“We’ve looked into having my husband’s vasectomy reversed, but the cost is prohibitive—around $15,000—and the procedure is not covered by health insurance. Would it be appropriate to approach Leanne or pursue her in civil court to recoup the cost of the procedure?”
Prudence says if the ex had “done the procedure herself, a la Lorena Bobbitt,” they might have a case, but because “Wishing”‘s husband got the vasectomy willingly, they can’t expect a judge to force his ex to pay up for the reversal.
I feel for “Wishing.” It sounds like she has a doormat for a husband. Did he want kids with his ex, but he was willing to give that up because she said so? Or did he not want kids, but now that his new wife does, he’s game? It’s a costly change of heart, but one he should shoulder himself. What do you guys think? [Slate]
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wawmama
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 01:44 pm: [report]
Oh, Kay…I have a personal experience with this. My ex had one, we had decided not to have any more kids because we could not afford any more, he volunteered, because he wanted to be done, going so far as to tell me that it would be awful for me to go through if I had the sterilization done on me.
Fast forward not even 5 months later, he’s blatantly cheating on me, and we’re separating, and I call the new girl friend to give her the “best of luck” speech, because at that point, I was trying to be classy, and sweet, because at one point we were friends. She proceeds to gleefully tell me that I was the one who ruined my marriage, and that I should’ve never “forced” my ex to have the vasectomy…etc. What??? Apparently he was using that line along with the “my wife doesn’t understand me” to get her to sleep with him.
joyy
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
This lady is nuts. If she wants kids with a guy who is snipped and doesn’t feel like paying to have it undone, she should look into adopting. Another options for her: marrying a man who is able to give her what she wants (children).
Amelia - you’re right, this guy does sound like a doormat.
That or the letter writer just decided to omit anything on how her husband feels. Did he not want to do it the first time? Does *he* even want kids, or just her? I don’t know if this guy is a doormat or if he just has an eye for women who will force a guy into surgery to get their way.
Sparkletag
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 02:04 pm: [report]
wawmama.. that is so funny! You are so much better off. That new girlfriend will find out soon enough. Suggest she listen to “Special” by Garbage and start doing prophylactic therapy now. As for you, wawmama, that was classy of you and just keep holding your head up! What a loser. BTW, my girlfriend just went through a similar situation, met this rich, model handsome young guy and is having a baby while her cheating ex has left his lover and is trying desparately to get her back. hehe! The world has a way of making things even.
wawmama
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]
Thanks Sparkletag! They both already got a heaping dose of karma and I have the kids. It was a really good thing though because up to that point I was terrified to leave him for good because I felt worthless. Of course when he found out some how that I was still on my birth control, he had the nerve to ask me why, because he had the vasectomy. (Apparently, he thought we were going to be friends with benefits. I told him no, my sex life with you ended when you where sticking it some where else, end of story.)
retro chic
wrote on May 1 2009 @ 08:02 pm: [report]
Huh? Don’t you think that name alone, Mrs. “Wishing I’d Got To Him First,” is enough info? A women on a misguided mission, with a phantom husband somewhere in this? I’m thinking they shouldn’t reproduce. Yeah. There’s a reason for these obstacles.
wawmama, your story is different from them, thank god. Happy ending.
Fast Eddie
wrote on May 2 2009 @ 07:02 am: [report]
$15,000 is a drop in the bucket of what it costs to raise a child. After my divorce I had a vasectomy. The threat of children was one that I choose to eliminate. My decision terminated more then one developing relationship. After several years of being alone I got very lucky and encountered a wonderful woman who was past the baby years. Often I wish that I had endured parenting, because I would love to have grand kids.
Nobody make the decision to be sterilized without a lot of thought. The same is true for a reversing procedure. In one relationship of the past, she wanted kids bad, I couldn’t, she said “You could be fixed”. I said “Not without my permission”.
The question of being a parent is heavy one and should be contemplated extensively before the fact. My wife and I have cats and consider them our children. They are much less expensive to raise and you can dump them on a neighbor when you take a vacation.
As for getting the Ex to pay for it, beware that the court may ding you for bringing it up. She could also sue you for damages and have a better chance of winning that you’ll have with the procedure expense. The most realistic options are: pony up the $15K, adopt, or get a puppy.
joyy
wrote on May 2 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]
@FastEddie - social workers I work with have mentioned a trend with older folks (not that I’m assuming you’re old, that is) adopting children who are older as well - they’re not up to night time feedings and whatnot that comes with adopting infants/much younger children.
Also, if you really start itching to ‘rent a kid’ ... you should look into Big Brothers/Big Sisters. Nowhere NEAR the committment of actually having your own kids, but you get to be a positive influence in a kid’s life and bring a little extra joy to your own.
Fast Eddie
wrote on May 2 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]
@joyy - Right on, and yes as we engage retirement it’s no time to be starting a family. Big Brothers, Sisters, etc. all do a wonderful job of helping raise a little one.
We have filled that void in our life as best we can with friends that are just starting family life and fostering kittens from the animal shelter. There is no greater joy then feeding the kittens that are begging for food of a morning. The hard part is taking them back for adoption.