Can My Hook-Up Become My Boyfriend?

_jsw_
wrote on July 18 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]

I agree: this probably works only a very small percentage of the time. If you have to ask how to go forward with it, it’s likely not a mutual desire, else it would have moved to something more serious on its own.

metricula
wrote on July 20 2009 @ 07:53 am: [report]

It absolutely can! I had a one night stand that turned into a torrid affair that turned into a three-year-and-counting relationship.

I don’t think I’m a typical case, but I agree with the video that if you’re starting to develop feelings the only way to be fair to yourself and your friend is to let him know. It’s deceitful to try and keep up friends-with-benefits thing when one of you aren’t holding up the no strings part of the bargain.

Be willing to gamble and proceed with caution!

_jsw_
wrote on July 20 2009 @ 08:07 am: [report]

@metricula: I agree and have had something similar (and wonderful) happen to me. In the case in the video, though, I was under the impression that they’d been hooking up purely for sex for months, and now she wants more. I totally agree that great relationships can very much start off as one-night-stands that become torrid flings and then awesome relationships. What I’m not sure about are months-long sexships as potential springboards for good relationships. It seems to me that, if it’s been sex-only for that long and she doesn’t have any idea if it could be more, it probably can’t be more.

I would hope she’d at least try, but the act of trying might end the friends-with-benefits thing. However, since she’s developing feelings, it’s probably best to find out so she can move on, one way or the other.

metricula
wrote on July 20 2009 @ 08:29 am: [report]

I guess I glossed over the four months of friends-with-benefits-ship before the torrid affair. I got lucky. When we realized we both preferred sleeping with each other and were going on non-sex outings and meeting parents and all it was like, “So I think we started dating.”

The key though was being very communicative of how we were feeling through the whole thing.

But yeah, it’s definitely a risk that when you start to develop feelings the arrangement will end. And way too many people selfishly hold onto the relationship at the cost of being honest.

I HATE HATE HATE it when someone gets into a FWB and they start getting feelings and tear themselves up over the guy seeing someone else but continue the relationship because they don’t want to lose them.

It’s a sham. One of my friends actually asked me not to hang out with her FWB/crush because it might take away time he could be spending with her. That’s not healthy for her and not fair to him. He didn’t know that she was trying to get in the way of his other friendships and relationships.

They worked it out soon after that though, but that was a case where the relationship had to end. I totally agree that you have to be willing to move on.

_jsw_
wrote on July 20 2009 @ 08:36 am: [report]

@metricula: Yeah, I suppose you did leave out just one tiny detail.

I’m very happy for you (both) and glad it worked out.

bogart4017
wrote on July 20 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]

Its really rare but i’m sure it does happen. Usually friends with benefits are not looking for a ltr but those things have a way of finding you.

Lynn
wrote on July 20 2009 @ 12:38 pm: [report]

That’s how my BF and I started - months and months of FWB. Finally, I decided that I was in a time in my life where I wanted a real boyfriend. I wanted a relationship, and I naturally assumed that he wouldn’t want any of that. I told him that we had to stop banging so I could get on to dating people. He asked me to try really dating him, and miraculously, it has worked out. But it was a really rocky start and we almost fell apart until we finally pulled ourselves back together and figured out how to be in a real relationship, and not just in each others’ beds.

It wasn’t easy and it isn’t common. But if I were green penguin, I’d do it the same way - say “I want to start looking for a real relationship, so if that’s not what you want then we have to stop this because having sex with you on the side isn’t going to be healthy for my dating life.” If he wants her, he’ll speak up right then - he has nothing to lose at that point.

angel001717
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 08:52 pm: [report]

grrr shut up! have none of you seen “he is just not that into you” stop telling me about all of these wonderful and completely against the odds stories. they are the exceptions. i am the rule. and the rule is that it aint gonna happen. if hes getting sex he wont bother with a title. why buy the cow if you can have the milk for free?

_jsw_
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 09:05 pm: [report]

@angel001717: Because (a) he doesn’t view the woman as a cow and the sex as milk, or (b) because he’s afraid someone else will be milking the cow.

If the guy sees you as nothing but a lay, and you want more, it’s time to find someone else.