Can A Homemaker Be A Feminist?

Jessica Wakeman
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]

There’s nothing very feminist about making choices about your life based on what you think will make you pass some kind of litmus test. That’s still very much needy and approval-seeking, not to mention judging “success” by a traditionally male yardstick.

Absolutely, though, I believe homemakers can be feminists, too. Especially if they are raising children, they can impart the values of equality for all genders and races onto their kids. Motherhood and fatherhood are two of the most important jobs that exist. Unfortunately, one pretty much needs to either inherit $$ or may rich to allow one or both parents to stay home.

I am a feminist with no kids yet and I work full-time, but I was raised by a stay-at-home mom who raised 5 children. I wouldn’t say *everything* about her life is feminist, but she raised four daughters—all four with BAs, two with MAs, three happily married, all with common sense—who are feminists themselves.  So definitely, she must have been a feminist success in some way, right?

brandyalexander
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:29 pm: [report]

I think feminism is all about choice, and if your choice is to be a homemaker, then, ok.  However, I have to say that giving up all the decision-making power to a “man of the house” is absurd.  The reason we become educated is so that you never have to rely on a man.  If you want to stay home, take care of children, and be domestic, then, fine, but I would hope that you and your partner would have enough mutual respect for that hard work that you could at least partake in financial decisions. 
On a different note, there is a lot of pressure for women to be expected to maintain successful carreers at the same time as a gorgeous home and lovely, brilliant children.  I think we need more balance, and more participation from men in general.

Amelia McDonell-Parry
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]

@Jessica Wakeman Very well said.

I’m a feminist through and through, but one day, when I have children, I hope I will have the luxury to work from home (probably part time), especially during their early year. Becoming a mother is something I look forward to and would love to have the financial freedom to be as active a part of their life as possible. That said, I would never give up my job entirely. It is part of who I am, just like being a mom will be part of who I am too someday.

Sonic
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]

I think simply choosing to be a homemaker doesn’t make you a feminist - but being a homemaker who doesn’t enforce gender stereotypes and still has her own life and personality and makes empowering decisions would be.  Also, it would be important to make sure your children, especially your daughters, don’t buy into the message that they would only be happy or would be happier being moms and wives. 

I think that it is still very important to define what feminist means because people still view it as an ugly word and don’t really understand what it can encompass.  When I say I am feminist, people often cringe and say, “You’re one of those men-haters?” or “What more could you want?  Women and men are equal now!”  I’m not saying I know what it means for every woman and I’m not sure I can define it for myself.  It has something to do with me being comfortable in my own skin and making life decisions based on what I need and freedom to make those choices.     

My mother was a stay at home mom until I was 10, but I would have liked the experience just as much if it had been my dad.  And I agree with Jessica that while my mom isn’t exactly what I would call a feminist, she is still a strong woman who raised 3 daughters who are.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:34 pm: [report]

Excellent post, and great comments!

retro chic
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]

I agree that housewives can be feminists. And as Jessica said, it’s what’s being imparted to the daughters. Imparting must mean “by example,” not dinner table philosophy about feminism and equal rights, then before dessert, the girls observe the mother gingerly asking permission to do something, or be relegated to an allowance like a child, and on.
ps: Bree was an old school domestic Nazi. She evolved/redeemed later.

Carrie Wasterlain
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 12:39 pm: [report]

I’m loving all of these insights!

Lynn
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 01:06 pm: [report]

I definitely think you can be a stay-at-home mom and still be a feminist. I think it’s a little silly to think otherwise.

But what bothered me about this is that the writer asks why anyone would want to go to college if they didn’t plan on using it in a job later on. I’m baffled by that - what about education for its own sake?

develange
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 01:26 pm: [report]

So, what exactly is a homemaker?

If homemaker simply means “stay-at-home mom,” what is she going to do when (if) her children move out, move away, establish their own lives?

Being a homemaker can be feminist, as long as you retain your identity and some of your independence (whether it be keeping up with hobbies, a job, continuing school, etc etc). Life continues after children!

If homemaker means “taking care of your husband,” then I have some problems with that. The “taking care of” should be mutual. A man taking care of a woman shouldn’t simply mean financial support. It should be emotional, physical, mental.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]

@Devlange: A homemaker is a big burly guy with a beard and flannel. He wields a hammer with powerful arms, sometimes taking up the nailgun instead though. Once the frame is complete, he puts up insulation, and covers it with lovely sheet rock.

That is a homemaker, unless I am really confused.

jld117
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 01:29 pm: [report]

I find it funny that we would consider whether one is a feminist by whether or not one pursues a career or stays home and raises a family. I have reached a point in my life where I am now reconsidering all of the things I thought were important. I am 32, graduated college, have licenses and certifications I completed post-college, I am married, and have been working and running my own business for a a few years. I am exhausted. I can not even imagine raising children like this. Even evenings I don’t work - my husband and I have a hard enough time taking care of ourselves (and we have our house cleaned weekly). I think staying at home is an individual decision. I always said, “I’d never stay at home,” but now, if we were to have children, I think I’d want to stay at home. Something would have to give. In my opinion, selflessness is certainly a sign of a strong woman.

sadie
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 01:48 pm: [report]

First, why do these conversations always seem to ignore the other obvious option: that men can be stay at home parents. Second, feminist cred really isn’t the issue. The issue is whether it is really practical and safe for a woman to give up her financial independence? What if your breadwinner husband dies or leaves? A woman has to be able to support herself and her kids. If she leaves her career to be a stay at home parent, how tough will it be for her to go back? Some careers are more conducive to coming and going than others. I think a practical woman (never mind feminist) will take those things into consideration before she decides whether she or her husband will take time off to stay home.

Carrie Wasterlain
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 02:43 pm: [report]

@ Sadie: I completely agree actually. I wasn’t trying to go around labeling every woman es either feminist, or unfeminist (I’m not even sure what the word means anymore, but I used it because it was getting too complicated to try to explain what I was trying to say which was maybe a “strong and independent” woman). I guess I’ve just been trying to understand why so many women still feel that a career should be the #1 priority for men, but the family should be the #1 priority for women. I know a stay-at-home dad, and the family he’s a part of is FABULOUS. So I would definitely like to see more of that! I’ve also seen families where both the parents work, and the kids have turned out great. (Proving that you don’t need to sacrifice a career (though you might want to, and then I guess you should) to raise your children properly, and with TLC)

EarthGoddess
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 02:44 pm: [report]

I think you can be both a homemaker and a feminist. I was raised by a Bree (pre-transformation) and my mother stayed home for a few years when I was younger. While she may have lost some time in the business world, she more than made up for it by becoming the ruler of the house. She went back to work when I began school, worked in upper level management for over 20 years, and is now a retired grandma. However, she never lost her status as ruler of the home and my father is still playing by her rules after 30 years of marriage. Maybe that makes her a feminist, but I think it makes her a bully, and I feel bad for my father who is obviously OK with things since he’s stayed married to her for all these years, but I just don’t get it.

Now that I’m grown and have a daughter of my own, I’ve chosen to work from home full-time. I have the best of both worlds. I can be here for her school events, sick days, field trips, etc and also maintain a professional life that allows me to exercise by brain in an adult way. (My OCD nature also rejoices in the fact that I can maintain a spotless home all the time, too!) I’m also the breadwinner of the family since my husband makes significantly less than I do, so my family depends on me having a job. It’s not a question of feminism for us, but one of practicality. I think having options available so that I can do what’s best for us is a wonderful thing, when for generations few women had any option at all other than to be what their mother was before them. I celebrate the choice, and my ability to blend the my 2 worlds together, above all.

wouldntitbenice
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 03:33 pm: [report]

1) A woman is not a feminist just because she has a career, why would I presume she’s not a feminist just because she doesn’t have one? Furthermore, being a feminist is like being a Democrat- a choice, not an obligation upon reciept of that second x chromosone.

2) “sit back and raise the family” - you clearly don’t have children.

3)If one parent doesn’t stay home to raise children, some other family member or a paid employee has to do it.

4) Some of us went to college to learn and advance our level of education, not for the ca$h-money job offers we might get upon graduation.

joyy
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 03:36 pm: [report]

@wouldntitbenice - re 2): I took that as the author’s friends’ perception of the checking off of the traditional life to-do list, not the author’s view on what raising children is like.  just my $.02

vanya
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 04:38 pm: [report]

“The issue is whether it is really practical and safe for a woman to give up her financial independence? What if your breadwinner husband dies or leaves? A woman has to be able to support herself and her kids. “

Many parents purchase life insurance policies for this reason, to provide for their children in the event of their untimely death, the policy is used to replace the income of the primary breadwinner and/or to provide funds for childcare for the surviving spouse to return to work.

I do think men can be terrific stay-at-home parents.  My BIL is a SAHD and homemaker, and loves it.  One reason I’ve observed that it’s not often explored or implemented is that men frequently still earn more than women. It doesn’t always make great fiscal sense to give up the higher income, especially if there is a substantial difference in earnings.

Carrie Wasterlain
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 06:01 pm: [report]

@wouldntitbenice: I completely understand your #2 concern, and I didn’t mean to say that. So I went back and corrected the phrase. I realized some of my ideas weren’t clear, so I tried to clarify a little more.

AspenUSMC
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 07:16 pm: [report]

I’m sorry to post something so long.  It will require two posts.  If you feel like reading it, though, I had something to say.  I think discussions like this one have value, and I felt compelled to participate.

——————
When I was 25, I shared your (the OP) concerns and confusion on the issue of how I wanted to make a respectable life for myself.  I think these questions you’re asking about feminism are very useful.  Maybe you’re only asking these questions because they were passing thoughts at the time.  Maybe you’re conflicted about how to respect women you see making choices contrary to what believe is wise.  Maybe you’re struggling with your own questions because you don’t know where YOU want to go with all this in life.  Whichever it is, this is a good conversation for women to have.

While I was growing up and all through my teens and early twenties, I was given examples of success and encouragement to be ambitious by my family.  I made excellent grades.  I went to college.  I began a career and felt good about my early accomplishments at work.  I went back to school to get a degree and some licensure specifically tailored to my profession.  During all this time, I looked down at women who chose to stay home.  I will admit before God and everyone here that I thought stay-home women were lazy and a disgrace to the efforts of so many before them who didn’t have a choice to be anything else (forgive me, please, and don’t beat me.  I have since learned how wrong I was).  I couldn’t comprehend why any woman would want to put herself in a situation dependent on a man.  I couldn’t understand why a woman would give up a career to be at home with children.  It seemed a waste of talent…a waste of life.

So…as a 34 year-old woman who decided to stay home when I had my daughter , I will try to give my perspective on that choice and my view of feminism as it relates.

My husband is a member of the military.  This being the case, when I married him, I entered the union knowing and having accepted that I would have to move around a lot.  I got pregnant before we had planned, and the inevitable questions of how we were going to parent came to the forefront.  My mother was a teacher.  She worked all my life, but I realized that she was always home when I was.  I never went to daycare on Christmas Eve or in the summers.  She was always with me.  I decided that I wanted that for my kid, too but my profession didn’t allow for long absences or a school schedule.  So I left my job and resolved to figure out something else.  I expected to hate it.  I expected it to be boring.  I expected to feel above my company with other stay-home moms who planned their lives this way.  Had they no ambition?  Had they no desire to distinguish themselves?  What, in God’s name, did they DO all day?

I found that I was busy enough.  I had sadly retired my day planner when I quit my job in a ritualistic “burial” that I laughed over with friends at a party.  I unburied it pretty fast because I still need it.  Between doctors’ appointments, all the household duties I took over since I was at home all day, and the other minutiae of life, I realized I still had plenty to do.  Infancy is a time when a child literally needs something from you during every waking moment.  When they are asleep, you are a flurry of work to keep up with everything.  I even had a miracle husband who helped valiantly around the house when he was at home, and I was still so busy I couldn’t breathe.

AspenUSMC
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 07:17 pm: [report]

As my daughter grew, I began to miss being “important.”  I wanted something of my own, but I couldn’t bear the idea of tossing my child into hired hands now that I had been with her from the beginning.  I found volunteer work that meant something for me.  I took victim advocacy classes and began working with women who had been victims of violent crime.  I rediscovered my faith through this experience, and I now have a satisfying bead on what I believe about God.  I also have the time and energy to foster a healthy marriage in the middle of all this.

I don’t feel any less feminist today than I felt in college.  I still champion women’s rights.  I still feel strongly that women should be allowed to do any job they’re qualified for and get paid the same as their male counterparts.  I have a daughter who has been taught from day one that, as our little girl, she is more important to us than money, the opinions of other people, or any level of professional success I might have reached in the 5 years since I took a break to be her mom.  I am a huge advocate for women getting educated.  I am a vocal supporter of women, whatever political or religious persuasion they might be, who work hard and achieve something noteworthy.

As for myself, I try to set an example for my daughter of kindness, maternal responsibility, feminine sensuality that is not trashy, personal responsibility for health and fitness, independence, and the idea that life doesn’t end when your boobs start to go South.  I want her to watch me and understand from me that she can choose ANY path she wants to…and to understand that ANY path another woman chooses can be respectable and fulfilling also.  I want her to see me having adventures, learning new things, and pursuing new passions all through life.  I want her to see me plowing my own swath through life regardless of what other people think I should be doing.  I want her to see that women are more than a paycheck, a job, a degree, or a diamond ring on the left finger.

We are human beings…whole and multi-faceted.  We are no longer subjected to being identified only by our husbands and children.  It doesn’t follow that now we must be subjected to identification only by our careers and level of monetary success.  No.  Our life choices are varied and far-reaching.  I believe that every woman, be she CEO or schoolteacher, or stay-home wife, should be able to choose her life without fear of being looked down on by men…or other women.

Whatever you choose to do in this life, dear lady, please do it with benevolence toward those who do not choose the same path.  Do not presume to judge the hearts of those who live differently or consign them to some level of inadequacy for valuing different things than you do.  That’s the heart of feminism…the recognition that women DO have choices, that we fought for the right to say that, and that all of our choices are valid ones.

It is inevitable that we become less self-focused as we age.  If you cannot yet wrap your arms around the idea of leaving a career to raise children from home…just temper your negative reaction to it enough to allow the possibility that, someday, even if you never wish to follow that path yourself, you might grow to understand what an act of feminist defiance it really is.

Carrie Wasterlain
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 07:59 pm: [report]

@ AspenUSMC: Great thoughts. I really appreciate the response, and, though readers might think otherwise, I also agree with it.

Jill
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 11:51 pm: [report]

I myself have big career goals but often find them conflicting with how I want to raise a family.  But I believe that if you’re going to live your life not by what you want but by what the “feminist” thing to do is, then that’s hardly freedom.  I want to have a career AND eventually a family so I can raise my children to be members of society that will be valuable and good.  Eventually to raise such great kids, I might have to give up a career.  If that is what I really want, than how is that not freedom?  Isn’t feminism about doing what you want, about women having the freedom to do what they want?  I’m not going to live my life by ANY standard, whether that’s a traditional or feminist standard.  Feminism = freedom.  Freedom doesn’t mean doing what you think you SHOULD be doing, whether that’s working 60 hours a week or cooking dinner every night.

Jill
wrote on June 9 2009 @ 11:58 pm: [report]

my boyfriend always says he wants to be the stay at home dad and I can go to work.  I think that’s because he thinks being the “stay-at-home” is easy…boy will be learn!

Carrie Wasterlain
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 07:01 am: [report]

I agree that feminism = freedom, and I would never build a career just to call myself a “feminist,” my point was only that I am surprised that more women don’t have WANT to build one, or feel they CAN’T, now that they DO have the freedom to do so. I’d like to see more MEN worrying about this problem of balancing a family with a career.

LydiaRT
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 08:10 am: [report]

This is an amazing conversation! I’ve thought about this alot because my mom was a SAHM and my younger sister always talked about how she wanted to be the same. I’ve come to the same conclusion as many posting here; its all about your choice. The best thing about the feminist movement is that we now have the power to choose. I can’t tell you how many times my mom and her friends have talked about the limitations of career choices when they went to college (teacher, nurse or secretary) and how they rejoice in the idea that women today have such a wide range of options. I say, if you want to be a SAHM, joine the PTA and make meatloaf for dinner, more power to you. If you want to become the next CEO of a multi-national, wear pant suits and lock horns with the big wigs, then do so. The feminism = freedom equation is right-on. Its the ability to choose that makes us strong, empowered women, not the choices themselves.

joyy
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 08:45 am: [report]

@Jill - sounds like my ex!  I thought it was sweet at first, then I later realized that he felt that way because he was basically unwilling/incapable of holding down ANY job for more than two days.  srsly.  Here’s to hoping yours isn’t the d-bag my ex is

Sonic
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 02:21 pm: [report]

@ Carrie Wasterlain:  I hope I don’t get flamed for this, but I agree and am surprised that more women don’t choose to work.  In some ways, I feel kind of angry that women have the choice to work, but many don’t choose to.  When people, usually men, but women too, ask me why women want to stay at home so much, I usually just kind of say something about how I think society perpetuates this idea that the woman should stay home and so lots of women seem to internalize that and it makes them happy, but who knows what they would choose in a world where the situation is reversed and men are more pressured to stay home. 

I can’t deny that in some ways, it makes me angry (though at who I don’t know) because it seems to validate the claim that women are the weaker sex.  I don’t know…I hope I made some sense.

eskim00ninja
wrote on June 10 2009 @ 03:50 pm: [report]

If a woman chooses to stay at home she is a feminist.

If you haven’t seen a housewife with control then I feel sorry for you!

Carrie Wasterlain
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 07:29 am: [report]

@ Sonic: My thoughts exactly!

instantkarmalr
wrote on June 11 2009 @ 01:06 pm: [report]

You all have good points, and it is especially interesting to hear from stay at home mothers.  However, I do want to address the anti-nanny bias that I see here (and hear from countless people).  My mother stayed home for about a year when I was an infant and then returned to work.  My parents have always had careers in time-consuming fields (medicine/law, and law/professor), and despite the fact that they both worked full time, I still spent a good amount of time with my parents.  They have always viewed parenting as a 50/50 endeavor, and every night and weekend, I spent quality time with them.  They were both extremely present in my life.

Because both worked full time, I had a nanny until I started high school.  She was wonderful—and I am sure that would be true of a myriad of potential caretakers (just choose one wisely).  I view her as a second mother, and I still call her and see her often; she is as much of a part of my family as my aunt and uncle are.  I love her dearly, and my childhood would not have been better had my mother (or father) sacrificed her (/his) career to stay home with me (in fact, I attribute some of my feminism to my mother’s determination and ability to balance an extremely successful career and taking care of me).  Clearly, it’s an individual’s choice—I’m not arguing that what my family chose is the only way.  Instead, I’m saying that it is just as viable of a choice as staying home.  I got the influence of another strong, loving woman in my life who took pride in caring for me and fostered my drive.  On top of that, I got to expand my family to add another incredibly devoted person.  I don’t see any downside in that.

ldlittledebbie
wrote on June 12 2009 @ 09:05 pm: [report]

A person is defined by the memories they make, the viewpoints they enlighten, the knowledge they share, the feelings they invoke, the change they affect…

A job should not and does not define a person.

alittlefishy
wrote on June 14 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]

There’s a lot of interesting points in all of this, but it seems like we could all use a little more discussion about what feminism is, and what it has meant in different places.

I think a concept that would help us, currently taught in Feminist Studies courses, is the difference between “sameness equality” and “difference equality.”

“Sameness equality” is like the mainstream feminist movement in the U.S. in the 1970s - the, ‘we want whatever men have’ type of equality. Women fought for access to the corporate hierarchy - to be CEOs and overworked just like men were.

“Difference equality” was more of the approach the feminist movement in much of Europe took during the 70s. It’s the type of equality that says that women are equal not because they can do everything a man can do, but because they have skills that are uniquely theirs. Many of these women fought for greater public support for raising families. That’s why in Northern Europe, the post offices and the trains have kids’ play structures. Why women (and frequently men) get 6 months paid off of work after having a child, etc.

I’m not saying that one is necessary better than the other, but I think understanding those terms would help this discussion.

Someone said:

“That’s the heart of feminism…the recognition that women DO have choices, that we fought for the right to say that, and that all of our choices are valid ones.”

I don’t think feminism is about saying that whatever a woman chooses is automatically feminist just because they’re a woman. Feminism is about equality. It’s about raising our kids without forcing gender stereotypes. It’s about being accepting and loving of all types of people. It’s about fighting for everyone to be able to make decisions about their own bodies, lives and families, however they might identify.

One person mentioned earlier that men still make more than women do in the workplace. You could also talk about how it’s hard for women to get the support from their work to take the time off to have a child. The same could be said for those of us men that would like to be able to take time off to spend more time with our families.

These things are recognized, but then the solution is just to have a permanent stay at home mom instead of fighting for greater public support of raising families?

The primary part of being a feminist is being a part of a feminist movement. That means fighting for yourself, and your loved ones. It means organizing to make the changes that we need, rather than just doing whatever’s easiest.

Feminism in the U.S. has become so warped over the years - where suddenly the Spice Girls are feminist because they sell pink and purple “Girl Power” stickers. We all cherish our “independence” above all, but is being independent the same thing as being a feminist?

Aren’t families, by definition, dependent on each other. We talk about how hard it is to raise children when both parents work, but where’s the extended family in all this? If we don’t like our blood families, why don’t we create our own families of our friends, and support each other as we raise kids? Why don’t we build more loving communities that take care of each other.

Is it feminist to keep a mother away from her children so that she can watch yours?

BlueVibe
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 01:10 pm: [report]

Man, I am really tired of people making blanket assumptions about homemakers.  Since when is a college education “wasted” on a housewife?  Do you really want an undereducated person running your household and raising your kids?

For the record: I’m not a housewife—I’m single, childless, college-educated, and work full-time.  I’m not in a rush to get married, either.  I’d like to be married, but not enough to do anything desperate. 

My mother worked off-and-on when I was a kid, at jobs for which she was massively overqualified (she didn’t quite finish a Ph.D. in geology), because our school systems was iffy, my father had better job opportunities, and she wanted to make sure that *somebody* at home wasn’t too burned-out to make sure my brother and I got the attention, homework help, etc., we needed.  She also ran all the finances—my father had no idea how much money they had or how it was spent.  Mom was certainly not clueless and powerless.

People, personalities, and talents are way too complex to pigeonhole into “housewife wasting her abilities” and “ambitious career girl.”  Given the opportunity, I’d be very happy to either stay home or work part-time.  I’m not stupid, lazy, or apathetic—some of us LIKE that work.  Blame it on my Cancer zodiac sign if you want, but I’d be a fantastic housewife, and I’d love it.  I probably wouldn’t be content to do only that forever, but if I had children I would sure-as-sugar want to be home with them. 

Nobody *told* me I should aspire to this (or, conversely, that it was all I was good for).  The fact that I actually like to clean, cook, and sew is not a sign of my lack of personality—it IS my personality.  My parents are about as egalitarian as they get.  My dad is as good a mom as is my mother, and my brother’s childhood dream was to marry a lawyer and be a stay-at-home dad, because he loves kids.  Nobody was brainwashing me into the Feminine Mystique set.

Personally, I think that sniping at “homemakers” by ambitious career women is at least as degrading as pressure on women by society to put aside their own interests to make room for their husbands’.  I’m not an ambitious career-girl type.  Not all of us want the Ph.D. or MBA, the nightlife, the six-figure salary, even if we’re single and self-supporting.  It’s not because I’m a woman; it’s just not my personality.  But apparently I’m a traitor and I can’t be a real feminist because I’m not cutthroat enough.

I don’t think career women are wrong to want what they want, I just think they’re wrong to assume that it is best for all of us.  Feminism ought to be about allowing women to choose based on we they are as *people*, not forcing us all to be standard-bearers just to prove a point.

BlueVibe
wrote on July 1 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]

Aargh.  That should be “Feminism ought to be about allowing women to choose based on WHO WE are as *people*, not forcing us all to be standard-bearers just to prove a point,” lest anyone think I’m illiterate.