Breakup Lesson #472: Trust Your Gut
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
relationships
10:45AM, Thursday July 2nd 2009
When did I become the star of the Lifetime movie, “In Love With A Stranger”? (This movie does not exist yet, but it should.) Was this the way “General Hospital”‘s Elizabeth Webber felt when she found out her husband, Ric Lansing, had kidnapped Carly Corinthos and was keeping her locked up in a secret room in their house? Was this kind of betrayal what Janet Jackson was singing about on the song “What About?” How many songs, movies, and books have been penned about deception? Countless, I think. But there are two people I’ve been thinking about in particular, who seem like they would get what it feels like to find out you’d been lied to for years by the person you loved. They are Julie Metz, author of Perfection: A Memoir of Betrayal and Renewal, and my ex-fiance’s college girlfriend, who emailed me yesterday out of the blue.
First, Metz. According to Publisher’s Weekly, her memoir recounts her “discovery of her husband’s long trail of philandering well after he died [and] reveals the state of willful ignorance and comfortable self-deception that reigned in her marriage.” I’m looking forward to reading this book for a number of reasons—first, I read a piece she wrote for Glamour on this subject and found her story fascinating. Now I can relate to it, at least in some ways. Though my husband didn’t die, I feel like the person I loved did, or maybe he never existed. It’s a very strange feeling and it makes the concept of “moving on” more complicated. Metz’s story is far more tragic of course, because she had to deal with the physical death of a loved one, coupled with the grief and anger of finding out he wasn’t who she thought he was. How do you do that when you don’t know what you’re moving on from?
Late last night I received a message from my ex’s college girlfriend. Though she gave me permission to write about our interaction, I’ll call her Sarah* to protect her privacy. A friend of hers, who reads The Frisky regularly, sent her a link to my “Dating Amelia” column and Sarah decided to write to me. But it wasn’t the first time. In the early days of my relationship with my ex—after we had decided we were exclusive and even after we had said “I love you”—he and Sarah had an argument. They had been broken up for awhile, but still kept in touch on occasion. One night, while she was in town for work, they had some sort of upsetting phone conversation. He gave me one side of the story—that she had wanted him to come to her hotel for sex and that he had refused. The next day, she emailed me her side of the story—that he had tried to see her and she had refused. She also warned me about him, and told me some of the things he had done in their time together that were worrisome. I won’t get into the details, but at the time, I freaked out and demanded that my ex explain himself. He said she was a liar and that she was only out for revenge. He went as far as to put me on the phone with his mom, who attested to the fact that he seemed to really care for me and that she knew he wouldn’t do anything to jeopardize that. I chose to believe him.
Fast forward five years and there’s a second email from Sarah, reiterating everything she told me then. The strange thing is, after I found out that my ex had lied to me about his relationship with his coworker, I started to suspect that Sarah had been telling the truth. That HE had been lying to me from the very beginning and that there was no way of knowing how many other lies he told while we were together. I started to write Sarah a note myself, planning on asking her to please just tell me the truth. I never sent it, but 12 hours later she wrote to me. And I believe every single word she said. We talked this morning over IM and she seems lovely. It was strangely therapeutic talking to someone who knows my ex the same way I do, at least to a certain degree. And she has really reinforced my belief that women should look out for each other. Strangely enough, for the last few years she’s been nearby. We’ve worked for the same company twice. We even have a mutual friend. She has popped up on my “People You May Know” list on Facebook. Maybe these were signs that I was meant to seek out the truth eventually.
I feel so sorry to have doubted her, and even more sorry that I actually wasted a second hating her for something she didn’t do. But at the same time, I’m glad I didn’t believe her and chose to ignore my instincts by believing my ex. If I hadn’t, I wouldn’t have been with Michael and, despite all the lies, the relationship was a part of my life I wouldn’t want to ever take back. And most of all, without him, I wouldn’t have my dog, Lucca. Lastly, I wouldn’t have learned the hard way that I should never doubt what my gut is telling me again.
[Note: I have received some incredibly kind comments and emails in the last few days, as well as over the course of writing about this whole experience, and I really want to thank each and every one of you for that. It has meant a ton.]
* As mentioned, this is a fake name.
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Humble Bee
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 11:55 am: [report]
You never loose anything, you just always gain experience… You guys should start one of those websites jakesaliar.com if jake were his name.
wawmama
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 12:03 pm: [report]
A year after my marriage broke up, my ex’s ex contacted me via facebook. We’ve become friends, and it feels good to have some one to “compare notes with” if you will, and find out that I really wasn’t the crazy one. It’s also been helpful for both of us in terms of child support. Usually when I get any it’s because of info from her. (It’s sad, I know…)
maroon
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 04:07 pm: [report]
In my parallel situation, my ex blamed his cheating on me, telling me I wasn’t good enough for him, pitting me against his “ex”, who he had continued to date and love and who-knows-what-else on the side. I chose to be selfish, to heal for me, and to not tell his other girlfriend about the entire situation to compare notes. They are still together, and the only fleeting thoughts I have in my head is wondering who he’s now banging on the side while continuing to tell this girl that she’s “The One”. Sadly, while I feel badly for her I can’t even begin to tell her what actually happened, because she won’t believe me through his excuses and lies and he’d find some way to twist my words and intentions and make me into even more of a monster than he tried to.
Amelia, I hope you find some happiness in your life soon. You definitely deserve your strength and goodness to be reverberated by someone worthy.
angel001717
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 07:59 pm: [report]
wow. i have an ex named Michael also. and i also found out about his cheating ways from his ex. but i believed her when she first told me because i actually know her! we went to highschool together. i dont regret my relationship with him even though i am sure he cheated on me. i learned a lot from him. (unfortunately, one of the things i learned was not to trust anyone…) but maybe that was a lesson i needed to learn.
chouette
wrote on July 2 2009 @ 11:53 pm: [report]
Amelia, thanks for sharing all of this with us. Since my ex suddenly dumped me with no explanation, it has been really hard for me to stop focusing on all the good memories. I have to force myself to remember that during the entire relationship I had a feeling that things might not be right, and glossed over numerous red flags. The most important thing I’m figuring out is that my instincts were probably right, and that’s a huge lesson. But like you said, it’s so hard to move on when you don’t know what you’re moving on from- that’s exactly what happened to me, and all of the speculation and no closure really did me in. This totally sucks for you, but at least you know that you can trust your instincts now. That’s so important, and I hope you can come to be at peace with this. p.s. he’s a slimebag!
Amelia McDonell-Parry
wrote on July 3 2009 @ 05:44 am: [report]
@angel001717 I just realized that for the first time, I actually printed his name. It wasn’t intentional at all, I swear (and it’s a fairly generic name), but it’s like my subconscious just stopped protecting him.
CatGoesNomNom
wrote on July 3 2009 @ 06:58 am: [report]
Wow Amelia, reading your posts about this, I can feel exactly what you’re going through, except in my situation, I swap out infidelity with abuse. Even though I feel AWFUL that you went through this, I also feel kind of comforted that someone else feels the same as me; though my ex was such a bad guy, I’m glad I went through it so I know what to avoid the next time around, and I know now that I can be a wonderful partner to someone, and that I deserve the same. And that my gut should be on the Psychic Friends Network.
I also admire the hell out of you for having the courage to write about your situation in an honest and REALISTIC way.
MrsPRMom
wrote on July 4 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]
My dear, dear Amelia. I am going to send this post to every woman and man that I know. This little dimond of a article has a angle that everyone has looked at at least once in their life time. For me, there are at least five relationships (both romantic and friendship) where I can look back and see how I turned a blind eye to the bs that was going on.
As I sit here at my pc with my wonderful husband feeding my perfect son, I know now that I had to live thru those betrayals in order to really be thankful for what I have today. But really, why must we walk in hell to be joyful in heaven? Is it just me,am I the only person who ALWAYS has to take the bumpy road?? And it’s not like we can’t learn from other peoples mistakes…but do we?? No.
Anyhoo, I can feel you pain. Hindsight is 20/20 for all of us. The good thing, now we know we are not alone.
AngelScribe
wrote on October 19 2009 @ 10:26 pm: [report]
I love men I really do, but I am convinced they are sociopaths.