Girl Talk: How Much Do Boyfriends And Best Friends Really Need To Get Along?
Posted by: Ali Jawin
Filed in:
relationships
10:30AM, Monday June 22nd 2009
I love my best friend, I love my boyfriend. These two people who hold such special places in my heart should love each other like I love them. In theory, if I have enough in common with both of them to have such a strong bond with each, shouldn’t the two of them also have the potential to form a real relationship with each other? It should be an all out love fest whenever the three of us get together…except it’s not. ‘Tis sad but true, my best friend and boyfriend do not quite get along. If I am honest with myself, I could have easily foreseen this. All they have in common with each other is me.
Actually, it’s not just that I am the only thing forcing them to spend time together, but that they are both the exact personification of what the other finds annoying. If they could see beyond the fact that they disagree on everything, they would see that they disagree in exactly the same way. I love them both because they are opinionated, strong, confident in who they are and what they believe in and are never afraid to tell you what they really think. The qualities they share are the same qualities that prevent them from ever seeing the other clearly. Though they are polar opposites in how they think, look and prioritize, they show their displeasure in an eerily similar manner. The question is: how much do they actually need to get along?
Obviously, I am not going to give either of them up, and it is to both of their credit that neither has even hinted that I should. They simply do not like each other, and while that could change, I do not think it will. I wish they would get along, but I also realize that I can’t force a bond between them. Things might be different if their reasons for not meshing were less fundamental. If the only friction was jealousy over who I was spending more time with, or anger over becoming less intimate with one as I was growing more intimate with the other, then the conflict could be worked out. Fortunately or unfortunately, depending at how you look at it, they are both very mature and juvenile pettiness is not at play. They are simply not each others cup of tea and nothing but a personality change will alter that.
Surprisingly, I am not that bothered by the impasse in their relationship. While it would most definitely be easier if they did become friends, I do not think their mutual lack of love will hinder my individual relationships with them. My best friend is not only the most caring and loyal girl I have ever met, she is also remarkably tactful and appropriate. She would never say a bad word about him in front of me, and even when he acts less than graciously towards her, she never holds it against me. In a great demonstration of strength, she will let me complain about him without ever adding in her own thoughts. Because of her tact, he has not become a divide between us. He, on the other hand, took a little bit more training, but after a few good elbows in the ribs, he got the idea. After a testy evening with the three of us last week I made the point that even if I wasn’t crazy about his best friend, or anyone important in his life for that matter, I would still be gracious to them. He conceded the discussion and has been on his best behavior ever since.
At the end of the day all I can really ask of them is to be polite to each other. My relationship with each of them exists independently to that of the other. I am lucky in that both of them understand that I can love them equally, and that the one in no way replaces the other. I love them both, but in such different ways that loving one in no way encumbers me from loving the other. As long as they can be nice to each other, and come together when it is important to me, I think the three of us can find a harmonious balance. I doubt the three of us will ever stay up all night giggling and painting each others toe nails, but I think we can all make it through dinner.
What about you? Have you ever dealt with a close friend and a significant other disliking each other strongly? How did you handle it?
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eskim00ninja
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]
It depends on the person I guess. For me it’s VERY important.
My best friend was helping my husband and myself move to a differnt state. She ended up spending the night and needed to share the bed w/us. I doubt that would’ve been possible if they weren’t good friends also.
likeOMGkbye
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 10:42 am: [report]
Ugh, I feel like this explains the fight I just had with my boyfriend yesterday. I get along with all of his friends great, they love me, I love them, the end. He on the other hand, doesn’t really like my friends and makes no effort to either a) try to like them or b) even hang out with them. My friends like him just fine (those that have even met him…we’ve been dating almost 3 years by now).
I hate it. Its not that he doesn’t get along with them when he’s around them, he just doesn’t like them that much and thus wont even hang around them if he doesn’t have to. It would make hanging out a lot simpler for me…but I guess I don’t ever have to worry about my boyfriend cheating on me with one of my friends as the old cliche goes lol
bellarose
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
My friends are my family. I don’t have a great family and I live with my two best guy friends and having them approval and like my boyfriend is more important to me than anything. If my guy couldn’t get along with my friends, it would be incredibly hard to stay with him.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
I just think they need to tolerate each other, at least for the length of a social function, that is all.
peacock
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
I think the bottom line is your significant other should care about you enough to make an effort to get to know your friends. If the relationship with your best friend is important to you, it should be important to him or her as well.
brackishfaun
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
My sister is my best friend, and for whatever reason hates my boyfriend more than anyone in the world. Its such a problem. She is constantly rude and mean to his face and even starts to be mean to me also. Because of her being mean to him and me, which is all my boyfriend has ever seen of her, he dislikes her also, though not as strongly. It has caused serious problems with how close I used to be to my sister, but I am not sure how to fix it.
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]
I agree that in a relationship there should be at least an initial effort to get to know or at least be around your SOs friends but I think that if there simply isn’t a friendship bond between them then it shouldn’t be the end of the world. I know some may say that my viewpoint is totally different because I am a guy and it probably is but if my SO and I hang out with my friends a couple times and they then tell me that they aren’t that keen on all hanging out together, I would just deal with it and not stress myself out over mending fences or creating ones that aren’t there.
java82
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 11:31 am: [report]
I hope to not go through that. My BFF’s new guy and I had a less-than-warm meeting recently, but it wasn’t about him. More to do with my friend not thinking over the big meet-up at all and just inviting him along to our GNO without asking. So to me he’s still the guy who stole my friend. My friend and I are trying to work out our friendship and how he fits into our circle; I’m sure once she and I are cool and I get used to how things are, I’ll re-meet him and we’ll get along fine. I kinda have to, if he’s becoming a huge part of her life.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 11:36 am: [report]
@EastCoastMale: Your comment actually makes me feel relieved. For some reason I think women place a lot more importance on boyfriend’s liking their friends than guys do with their girlfriend’s and their best friends. I am not sure if it has something to do with the Sex and The City influence in popular culture, or if there is some deep-rooted psychological socialization or disposition , but it is interesting.
Why do guys not seem to care if girls like their best buds?
EastCoastMale
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]
For me it is the realization and understanding that I most likely met these people at two different points in my life not to mention that one person is linked to me in a friend/relationship capacity while the other is a male who is a friend but also another guy who can see things from a male point of view. So its like if they meet and get along thats great, if not then I understand that just because I am friends with someone does not mean everyone else should be or is expected to just by association.
As a man I just see it as a bonus rather than a requirement, I do not see people as ingredients that must all be folded into one concoction or they cant exist on their own.
lea322
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
Sometimes I think how well a BF and a BFF get along depends on when you met your best friend. If you’ve known her since you were three, she may have qualities that you’ve grown accustomed to over the years that normally you wouldn’t care for in someone else. But she’s always been there, and you’re willing to look past those things. A boyfriend may not see her the same way. Or maybe she’s a girl you met back in college, when you were a little crazier, and she hasn’t moved on. You love her energy and care-free personality, but your boyfriend thinks she’s immature. If she’s someone you’ve met more recently, your boyfriend may like her better than those other types because she met you during the same time in your life that he did, so he can relate to the qualities she appreciates in you.
emflow
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]
From the other side of the equation I don’t see it as a huge issue. I’m not particularly fond of my best friend’s husband - It’s okay, we can hang out but I don’t have anything to talk with him about and he has some traits that annoy me. We both love my friend’s sense of humor and her general personality, but he and I are very different people. And that’s okay cause we’re both adults, and when my friend feels a need to vent about her husband I’m supportive and bite my tongue on my own judgments.
I think this is a bigger issue for people who live in a social circle. I tend to have more one on one friendships (so does my friend) rather than a group of friends who are always hanging out together.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]
@emflow: You actually made me realize something interesting: not all my friends are friends with each other. Most of my close friends know each other, but not all of them ever go farther than acquaintances. That’s just fine, but I do truly love it when I can bring people together.
A few times in my life I have taken two friends, put them in a room together and watch a friendship blossom. It doesn’t happen often, but when it does…sigh.
aries3_04
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 05:06 pm: [report]
ah, good insight EastCoastMale - I’ve got the same situation as likeOMGkbye and for me it’s uncomfortable. I think I’m this way because I feel like his friends are my friends, but I’ve made the effort for my friends to connect with him and there seems to be minimal interest. The frustration looms because I’m the type who loves it when my ‘people’ enjoy each others’ company, but like said, I’ve decided not to force anything if it isn’t there.
saysay
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 05:59 pm: [report]
In my experience whenever I haven’t liked a friend’s SO, or a friend hasn’t liked mine, there have been bigger issues than just a personality conflicts. The SOs have turned out to be not so great people, and eventually the relationships ended. It’s one thing to not share the same views as someone, but to genuinely dislike them is another, that would get me thinking. I don’t let my friends dictate my decisions, but they do know me better than anyone, and I believe they have my best interests in mind when they voice their concerns. So, if they don’t get along with my boyfriend, I wouldn’t take it too lightly.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 07:37 pm: [report]
@saysay: I completely agree with you when it comes to serious matters. In my case it is just a bunch of small nitpicky things that they differ on. I do mean small things like how art history should be studied and fashion sense. If she saw any serious character flaws I would have to have a good think, but as they generally just bicker on things like how much they should tip the waiter, I put it down to different characters.
AnonyMISS
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 08:03 pm: [report]
I am having the same issue with my BFF and my boyfriend. My BFF and my BF’s personalities don’t mesh well together. My BF is outspoken, sarcastic, hilarious and the type of person who is often the life of the party. My BFF hates sarcasm, is very opinionated, and she also likes to be the center of attention. When we are all together it’s quite obvious to me that she isn’t very fond of my BF. He has never said anything about it and honestly I don’t think he could care less. It’s just not the type of thing he worries about. However I’ve had discussions with my BFF about the dislike she has for him and it bothers me. They both mean so much to me and he is the first boyfriend I’ve had that she has not liked. Considering the fact that my BFF is also my roommate, it also makes the situation a little awkward for me. Additionally, many of my BF’s characteristics that irritate my BFF (his sarcasm, the outspokenness) are the things that turn me on to him. I see his sarcasm as wit or dry humor. I love the fact that he has no problem voicing his opinion. I’ve learned to just go with the flow. I’ve made it clear that I care about both of them. Since he doesn’t seem to care enough to have issues with her I haven’t let him know that she is not fond of him. I’ve let her know that he makes me very happy and hopefully she cares about me enough to respect the person who has so much love for me.
becktasm
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 08:04 pm: [report]
Ugh my bestie and my boyfriend HATE each other, and it’s actually a bit of an issue. The problem is, Cort has been my best friend since high school, and her and I have seen some wild nights together. Tristan (my boy) thinks she is a bad influence on me, and while this theory has some merit, I think it’s held up in part by his own insecurities with how wild some of those nights got. Also, I’m financially secure, and she’s a starving college student with loans, so I often end up paying for her meals and movie tickets when we go out. Tristan thinks she uses me. Maybe she does. I do, however, find it incredibly insulting that his reasons for hating her are basically his way of saying to me, “I don’t trust you to take care of yourself when you go out with her.”
Cortney hates Tristan because before he and I started dating, I went out probably 4 nights a week, neglecting my school work and drinking heavily. Basically, being a college student. Since Tris and I have gotten serious, that has changed in a big way. The only thing I drink now is wine at dinner (or sometimes at lunch- I’m wild), and my outings with Cort now usually consist of dinner and a movie. She thinks he’s holding me back from enjoying the “full college experience” by turning our relationship into something very serious, and essentially domesticating me.
I work with Cortney. I live with Tristan. They are the two most important people in my life, besides my parents and my brothers. It’s a big issue. Ugh.
TotallyRidiculous
wrote on June 22 2009 @ 08:56 pm: [report]
@emflow you are so right. My boyfriend’s best friend (and roommate) and I don’t get along well and I think it’s because they became friends in high school. His friend is extremely immature and always has to be the center of attention and it drives me nuts (my guy is very mature but this dude brings him down a peg). But still, I try REALLY hard to be friends with him. I try to joke with him and have fun, and just try to overlook it because I really want us to be friends. But the guy just doesn’t like me! He is so incredibly rude to me, I can’t believe it. Just so blatant. I know it bothers my boyfriend, but what can you do? I get along with all his other friends, even his best friend’s girlfriend, and all my friends love my guy and he likes them, too. I think it comes down to his friend doesn’t like me stealing my man’s attention and time.
MsNeche
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 03:09 am: [report]
ok ok ok, so the low down on the skinny of the boyfriend and the best friend - They are both mirrors of you. They are telling you “hey I don’t like that part of you.” It’s an insecurity thing. They don’t mind the part of you that they know and can somehow put aside or convince to change but if there is someone else promoting the side they don’t like then there comes the issue. Oh and don’t think just because they seemingly don’t like each other that there is no room for foul play. There is some chemistry there for a reason. Their intentions maybe selfish and insecurity of you leaning one way or another. He has no reason to not like your bff except when you complain about her to him and vice versus. So be mindful of complaining about the other person, a mistake I made.
If they both love you, they’ll get over the other and find ways to like the other so long as you are not feeding them negative reels about the others issues. It’s about you and the parts of you they think they own or can change to be more of what they want. Like TotallyRidiculous - her boyfriend’s rmmt wants her boyfriend to be like him and she wants her bf to be like her or more mature and involved in an adult relationship.
I dumped both my last bf and my last bff, they didn’t like each other and I had to put them in check and realized they were both immature asses. He was worried I was going to be like her (single whore) and she was worried I was going to be like him (judgmental selfish tightass). They were both too selfish to let me be myself. Now they are both at a great distance because they try to swallow me whole instead of taking me in doses as I do them. I still love them both dearly but realize that when someone feels the need to not like someone that they are not screwing, who is not beating or abusing someone they love, that it is more about them than the other party. Boils to insecurity.
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 07:15 am: [report]
@MsNeche, I really like your concept of your best friend and boyfriend mirroring different parts of who you are. My best friend and I grew up together so she reflects my tastes, ways of thinking and priorities. We are by no means clones, but we were shaped by the same circumstances and in the same conditions. My boyfriend is from a very different culture and could not have had a more different background. While his differences challenge me, he also brings out different parts of my personality I don’t always express. I know with him I am much more care free and relaxed, much more likely to smell the flowers and put aside my worries for the moment. They are both part of who I am, which is why I find it so odd that their traits are harmonized in me, but they can’t harmonize with each other.
subpar
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 03:00 pm: [report]
Sometimes it’s better that your boyfriend and best friend don’t get along. Need I reference Gossip Girl Season 1?
Ali Jawin
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 03:03 pm: [report]
@subpar: haha!!!
IAMME
wrote on June 28 2009 @ 08:50 am: [report]
My BFF’s son has said since he could talk that when he grows up he is going to marry me (he is 10 now) last year I dated a complete DB for a minute or two and one night we all went out and he was a complete ass to my bff and her hubby, and when we got home their son was still awake and ran to hug me, i introduced him to the DB and made some comment about how the kid was gonna grow up and marry me, and my friend said something to the effect of oh yea, that’s your biggest competition, as i left the room to settle the kid in bed, the DB turned to my bff and said “No, you’re my biggest competition”, she just stuck out her hand shook his and said “Good luck with that”.