Black Women Have Higher Chance Of Remaining Unmarried
Posted by: Persia Ali
Filed in:
news
5:00PM, Monday February 16th 2009
Many black women are quick to point out that there are no good single black men out here. It turns out, they might actually be right, which also may explain why more black women remain unmarried than white women. Forty-two-percent of black women have never been married, compared to 21% of white woman, according to national statistics. That’s double, chicks! Within the last two generations, marriage rates for African-Americans have dropped significantly. Between 1970 and 2001, the black marriage rate dropped by 34 percent, compared to 17 percent in the general population. African-American women are also the least likely group to get married in the United States. That’s pretty sad. And if they wed an African-American man, those couples have the highest divorce rate in the United States. So what the hell is going on?
There are many reasons that are always thrown around as to why a black woman isn’t married. The incarceration rate for black men is higher than any other. There is an increase in black men dating and marrying outside of their race. The are some black men on the “down low” (they have sex with other men on the sly). Black women are “more independent” and don’t need a man to take care of them. The list of reasons can go on and on.
But no matter what the reason is as to why a black woman isn’t married, it just goes to show the pressure society puts on people to get married no matter what your race is. Sure, you may have all these great things going for you in your life, but if you aren’t married then nothing matters. It’s like the only reason I was put on Earth was to get married.
Take, for instance, my mother. She’s black. She’s 53, speaks five languages, has two degrees, owns her home and her car, and has a job. Not to mention she’s beautiful! And yet she still has never been married. It’s not that she hasn’t thought about it, but we all know it’s hard finding someone worthy of spending the rest of your life with. This is a common theme for a lot of black women. They are independent and attractive but still remain alone and unmarried. But on the other hand, there are plenty of black women out here married and in great relationships. In the end, who gives a crap what the statistic say, so long as people are satisfied with their lives?
Here’s an idea. Maybe we should spend less time focusing on marriage statistics and spend more time enjoying our lives, even if they don’t include a marriage proposal in the future. [The Star Press]
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alezsu
wrote on February 16 2009 @ 10:47 pm: [report]
I agree that marriage doesn’t have to be a life goal for everyone. However, the Black community is suffering horribly from broken families and loss of structure. I’d like to see the marriage rate soar, actually. Marriage is a good thing; it’s not a panacea, or a lifesaving measure, or a necessary thing, but it is a good thing. And kids of married parents do measurably better in school, something that could be of great value to young Black children who are already so disadvantaged.
In addition, the lack of marriage in the Black community also carries with it a high rate of unwed mothers. In fact, depending on who you ask and where, the rate of births out of wedlock in the Black community can vary from 40% to as high as 80%. More children are raised in single parent homes in the Black community than in any other U.S. ethnic group, and most of single parents are women. There are more single, working mothers in the Black community than any other - is that fair to women or children?
If anything, I think that the Black community has developed a culture of non-marriage which has contributed to the social degradation of our communities. And if you ask many of the educated, eligible, childless young black women, you find a disenfranchisement with marriage, romance, men, and family that is disturbing. I went to Howard University, and it was terrible to hear my classmates saying they believed they’d never get married because black women never do. It reminds me of what I was told when I was very young - that fairy tales only happen for white girls. Well, marriage shouldn’t be considered a fairy tale.
Up with marriage! More marriage for Black women!
alezsu
wrote on February 16 2009 @ 10:48 pm: [report]
That said, thanks for reporting on this social phenomena! It frustrates me when people don’t recognize this as a particularly severe issue for Black women.
Onotse
wrote on February 16 2009 @ 11:51 pm: [report]
i posted this article on my fb and my friend replied a lot more eloquently than i ever could:
I read your article. My boyfriend and I have talked about this extensively. I’ve discussed this fact with others as well since I heard the statistic that (I think) 78% of Black women in America are single. This is what I think.
1. Black women have a bad rap. Somewhere along the line, we became the undesirable. Now that interracial relationships are becoming more frequent, it seems that everyone is crossing racial lines except us. There are a few more White men with Black women but very disproportionate to Black Men and White women as well as with other races. The whole “we don’t need a man” phenomenon is misleading. Other races don’t “need” men either; do you really think some White woman running a fortune 500 company feels she “needs” a man? I don’t think so. The difference is very few Black women are taught how to GET a good man if she WANTS one. Just because you want a man doesn’t mean you are weak and you “need” a man. Remember, God created Adam and Eve to compliment each other. We first have to stop being afraid of saying what we want and then learn the proper way to get it.
2. I keep hearing that just as Black men desire White women, White men secretly desire Black women. Well I don’t see White men approaching Black women as much as the opposite. They don’t even approach Black women in the same fashion as White women approach Black men! That’s because I think there’s still a stigma for White men to be with Black women; especially if you come from wealth. I’m not saying the opposite is fine and dandy but It’s way more common for a successful Black man to have a White woman on his arm than a White man to have a Black woman on his arm. It’s just not as acceptable or tolerated so they(White Men) play it safe.
3. In the same vain, Black women need to open themselves up more to interracial love. I think we still sit around waiting for a Black man to love us and they have moooooved on! There is nothing wrong with wanting to stick to your own race but you have to accept the reality of the odds. I think if Black women were just a bit more receptive, then some of those White men (and other races) who “secretly desire” us would be more open to step up.
People don’t want to hear it but we are still dealing with the effects of slavery to this day. The whole stereotype of White women wanting a Mandingo with a big package to rock them into oblivion and White Men seeing Black women as wild and freaky animals in bed still hit us in the core. The difference is, some men don’t mind taking advantage of that stereotype to get more sex and admirers. It just feeds the male ego. But for women, we want to dispell the myth and try to hold on to some dignity so we don’t trust White men’s advances. Plus, no one wants to talk about White Privilege. Experiences are different for Black women and White women. No matter how bad a White woman has it, there is still a sense of entitlement; of White Privilege. It’s that unspoken knowledge that they are “better” and have it easier. Like Paul Mooney says “Everybody wants to be a nigga, but NOBODY wants to BE a nigga”. Black women just have to deal with a whole different reality which brings on a whole different attitude and way about life.
This is just my opinion.
doridori
wrote on February 17 2009 @ 08:05 am: [report]
I feel like there is missing information. How many these black women are able to be married? Meaning they aren’t incarcerated, gay and or are not legal citizens of the US to be included in this static?
As a woman I feel like marriage is a choice and a privilege. Being a black woman, with the options that I have today, compared to the options that my mother’s generation and grandmother’s generation, my marriage doesn’t and won’t be a defining part of who I am and or what I can or can’t accomplish.
Marriage, for the majority of the professional black women that I know, is no longer the end all be all. All the numbers in the article above say to me is that black women are no longer willing to marry for the sake of marriage nor are they willing to stay in an unproductive marriage with a partner that is not encouraging their growth as a human being, relationship wise or individually.
Muttface
wrote on February 17 2009 @ 09:03 am: [report]
Onotse: I don’t think your comments about white mens supposed reticence about dating outside of their race is very accurate. Generally speaking, White men (and most men for that example) are open to dating whoever they find attractive or accesible. I think the problem lies more in the social circles various people run in. People tend to date those that they meet at work, at school etc.. That being said, a high percentage of black women attend black colleges or spend much of their time at the BSU, work and live in areas that have a high black populations, and attend social funtions that are predominately black. Generally, an individual wont meet different types of people if they arent open to leaving their comfort zone. If you were to go to areas that are much more ethnically and economically diverse, such as Los Angeles, I think you would be suprised to see the number of black women/white men couples then compared a more homogenous city, such as Atlanta.
alezsu
wrote on February 17 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]
DoriDori: “How many these black women are able to be married? Meaning they aren’t incarcerated, gay and or are not legal citizens of the US to be included in this static?”
(1) FYI, you don’t have to be a legal citizen of the United States to marry an American. That’s why we have things like fiancee visas and green cards for spouses. Also, undocumented immigrants make up a relatively small proportion of the African American population, even if one liberally includes immigrants from both the African diaspora and Black Hispanics.
(2) A study or poll about heterosexual marriage would not attempt to include in its sampling LGBT citizens.
(3) Again, FYI, you can get married in prison. But also FYI, black women are incarcerated at a rate 13 times less than that of black men, approximately 350/100,000. Most of these crimes are economic misdemeanors (petty theft, etc.). Thus, the incarcerated population of black women has a nonsignificant effect on this statistic.
Further, no one’s saying that marriage is an “end all, be all.” Like I said, it’s not a necessity, but it is a good thing. It’s good for your health, it’s good for our communities, it’s good for our kids. I’m not saying that every marriage is a fantastic one, nor am I saying that one should always stay in a bad marriage. But I think the lack of marriage in the Black community is but one symptom of a culture of non-responsibility we have cultivated, particularly for young men.
When unmarried couples have children, it is almost always the mother who bears the burden of unmet needs. It is the single, working mother who gets up all night to feed the baby, who has to pay extra for afterschool care, who has to rush to work in the morning without breakfast so that she can get her kids on the schoolbus in time.
Children are just one issue; the challenging rates of HIV infections, most gained from partners, among Black women are another problem. Although no one can ever be 100% certain of their partner’s fidelity, at least a married woman may have some legal recourse against a cheating husband. For an unmarried man, there are little to no legal consequences.
Having a marriage means having a long-term, (generally) monogamous partner who has made a public and legal declaration of his commitment to you and your well-being; who intends to support you and any children you may have; and who loves and respects you enough to invest all the time, emotion, and effort necessary to make your relationship work.
Explain to me how it’s liberating to tell Black women that they shouldn’t want that?
somsharp1s
wrote on February 17 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]
Muttface,
I am the friend of Onotse’s that actually wrote the post. If you read my comment, I address what you say as well in #3. I also stated that Black women needed to stop waiting out for just Black men and become more open to finding love across racial lines. I agree with you. But, you can not discount what I said in #2 which is the hesitancy of men of other races to approach Black women. I’m not saying it’s not done, but it is far less that the approach of other races of women. This is what the article is about; BLACK WOMEN are less likely to marry. Why is that? Why is it that Black Women are not being proposed to as frequently as other races of women; meaning Men of other races (Black included) ARE NOT ASKING BLACK WOMEN TO BE THEIR WIVES! I agree with you that “White men (and most men for that example) are open to dating whoever they find attractive….”. The problem is, who they find attractive and accessible is LESS LIKELY to be BLACK WOMEN! You can NOT tell me that the Donald Trumps, the George Clooneys, the wall street bankers all types of good solid, successful (not just rich) White men are not marrying Black women because they are not in their circles! That’s BULL! There are Black Models, Black Corporate Executives, Black Beauty Queens/contestants, Black Scholars, Black Entertainers etc. that run in the same circles. Part of it is like you said, “who they find attractive.” who they desire. And the numbers show that Black women are not it. If they do find them attractive, then more of them are not coming forward. Why is that?
Your argument that Black women tend to congregate where their own race lives, works, attends school is two-way. WHITE PEOPLE DO THE SAME THING!!!! How many White people do you see in the hood? Hell, in Buckethead??? There has been an argument that the more money a white person has, the easier it is for them to not have to associate with Black people AT ALL if they choose not to! They can cocoon themselves in such a way that they do not have to have any real, significant interaction with Black people at all if they really don’t want to. Hell, they don’t even hire them as Housekeepers, nannies or Grounds keepers anymore! So you can’t attribute that to just Black women.
I’ve been all over this country, the mid west, the south, East AND West coast. And yes, you will see more White men with Black women in New York, L.A. (although I lived in L.A. for quite some time and it is NOT as prevalent as you may think. Dating in L.A. is a whole different subject)and major cities, but overall, not as much as Black men with White women or White men with other races of women. Which is why we are having this article discussion in the first place. It’s disproportionate.
alezsu
wrote on February 17 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]
somesharp1s:
“#2 which is the hesitancy of men of other races to approach Black women. I’m not saying it’s not done, but it is far less that the approach of other races of women.”
That’s probably true, and I agree that it is in large part due to stereotypes about Black women. But I also agree that Black women, in general, tend to be less receptive to non-Black men.
Oh, yeah, and:
“How many White people do you see in the hood?”
Thanks, you don’t actually have to hang out in the hood to see Black people.
That does, however, bring to mind the point that I think there is a socioeconomic element as well as a cultural one. Perhaps Black women from different backgrounds are differently likely to marry? That would bring interesting information to this issue.
Muttface
wrote on February 17 2009 @ 12:32 pm: [report]
somsharp1s- Great retort, I really had to think for an appropriate response, as you have obviously spent some time on the subject. It is true, White people do limit themselves by staying in their own circles (the suburbs). And as someone from L.A. myself, I can contest that their are many more black woman/white man relationships then you many recall. Your argument about social circles did bring up some points, and although I am not from New York, looking at the ground floor of the NYSE, the majority of Wall Street looks pretty white to me, thus the amount of interactions between men and women would be pretty one sided, as far as race is concerned. In addition, the majority of black models, muscians, etc.. are married, so I’m assuming the high percentage of these unmarried women do not come from entertainment, and instead are middle class and working poor. Working poor already have high rates of unmarried women across almost all ethnicities, so it must be college-educated middle class. College educated middle class black women, as statistics have shown, prefer educated black men to educated white men. And since black women are surpasing black men in attendance at the universities, their is a small pool of “eligible” black men for these women. Believe it or not, most white men pick up on this (Black men know it too, thus decreasing their incentive to marry). Since it is generally inderstood that most black women would prefer to be with a black man, most non-black men weigh their odds and usually decide not to bother. I know it might come as a shock to you, but most men don’t like being rejected any more then women do.
doridori
wrote on February 17 2009 @ 03:01 pm: [report]
Alezsu,
I appreciate the answers to my questions as well as the interesting facts/statistics. I didn’t know that’s why I asked. Thank you.
I stated, that marriage for the majority of the women I know, feel that marriage is not the end all be all. Marriage is a personal choice, based off personal experiences and individual desires, just as my comments were made of my personal opinion and experiences.
I hear what you’re saying in regards to the alarming numbers regarding the single parent homes, the growing HIV rate, and the growing/huge amount of young African American men being incarcerated, as well as where and how our (African American) children are being left behind, as well as the positive effects that marriage can have on an individual(s) health. If I understand correctly, you are saying that marriage as an institution has shown the potential to help battle some of these problems. You’re saying that bring family values back, aka marriage, and our community will reap the benefits.
I agree that the young men happen to be one of the causalities “culture of non-responsibility”. I believe that general education should be used to battle this “I’m going to do me attitude” that is so prevalent in our community today. Knowledge is power, with power comes choices and the basic foundation of this particular thought process has been limited due to various circumstances. We as a people can not get a head of we continue to look back, however if we can learn from the past we have a chance at a better future.
My whole point was that a single woman (mother) can move just as far in society today than a married woman, if not more as she does not have the responsibilities that a marriage involves. A marriage will not make a positive HIV test turn into a negative. A marriage will not help a single mother pay her daycare bill/financially assist and raise productive future members of our society and culture if the father/husband is not going to accept his responsibilities and commitments. You can have a family without having a husband, you can have a successful career without being married, and single mothers have produced extremely successful members of our society and have been doing so for as long as women have been getting pregnant. The lack of marriage does allow you fewer responsibilities and more options and in my opinion is more liberating.
Once again, marriage is a personal choice. I am not knocking, nor am I saying that a woman shouldn’t want to be married, choose to be married, and or love being married. .If a woman finds a loving committed mate, a man who can provide all the things that you stated in your last paragraph prior to your question to me, go for it and I hope that it is the healthiest and happiest of unions. I’m simply saying that for me and the majority of my friends, marriage is not top priority.
The information and opinions that have been shared, I still do not see how being married is more beneficial than being single.
somsharp1s
wrote on February 17 2009 @ 05:38 pm: [report]
Aleszu,
You’re right, you don’t have to just hang out in the hood to see Black people. But I also used the example of Buckhead,(sorry, typo before) which a prominent, wealthy neighborhood that’s predominantly Black. So I understand that all Black people don’t just live in the hood; it was mainly a rebuttal to Muttface’s point that Black women don’t step outside of their predominantly Black surroundings to meet men. And I agree with them, but I also wanted to point out that several races to the same thing, not just Black women.
You are absolutely right, there are other factors as well, socioeconomic and cultural.
Muttface,
Good points! I honestly think we are all saying the same things and are in agreement with many of the factors that contribute to this phenomenon. I know men don’t like to be rejected! LOL! I feel you! Which is why I think that if Black women would open themselves up to it, they may be pleasantly surprised. Quiet as it’s kept, my experience has taught me that some Black women secretly find some White men attractive too! This is where our history in this country comes in. Lots of mistrust, fear and scars must be overcome. Hopefully with time, a comfort zone can be reached and Black women can find love just as frequently as every other woman.
I also want to state that, just because you are not married does not mean you are not happy or don’t feel loved. some women love their single lives and are quite content with it. Marriage is not the end all be all. LOVE YOURSELF, LOVE YOUR LIFE!!!
Great dialogue! I like your style!