Beating The Clock: 30-Something Women Have Babies On The Brain
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Wednesday October 14th 2009
Ask almost any childless women in her 30s to name five things that have been on her mind lately, and there’s a good chance she’ll mention her biological clock. It may not be the first thing she names — her career, the economy, saving for a house, her parents’ health, the health of her relationship, finishing her dissertation, fitting back into her skinny jeans, and finding someone to share her life with may be getting more of her attention; but for a vast majority of us, the idea of having kids is something we think about nearly as much, if not more, than almost everything else. After all, our biological clocks and the issues of when, whether, and how long we have left to procreate determine so many other variables in our life. And for those of us who wait until our 30s — a quickly growing number of us these days — it’s a decision we face when the stakes are especially high.
I decided if I ever met someone I really liked, I’d find out pretty quickly if he was anti-kids and if he was, I’d cut my losses early and move on before I got too invested.
One friend of mine, Amy*, has been married for several years and has big, blow-out arguments with her husband “every three months or so” over when they’re going to start a family. He keeps saying “one day” as he has for the last few years, and she, at 34, says “one day” needs to be now(ish). “I go through phases, though,” she confides to me over dinner. “For one week all I can think about is babies — it’s usually triggered when I hear about yet another friend getting pregnant or having a kid — but then it passes and I’m fine for the next month or so. ... I do want a baby, though,” she adds, thoughtfully, “and soon. I just don’t know if I can wait that much longer.”
April, another woman I know, who’s single and just a few weeks shy of 30, says she’s so sure she wants a baby (sooner rather than later) that she won’t date anyone who isn’t at least “reading the same book, if not on the same page.” She says she usually finds a way to subtly bring up the topic after a few weeks of dating and if the guy is adamantly opposed to children, she quits seeing him. “It’s just too important to me to risk falling in love with someone who doesn’t want them, only to have to end things because my desire to have kids is non-negotiable and so is their desire not to,” she explains. She is, however, amenable to dating a guy who’s on the fence about children. “I tend to think men don’t have the same innate desire to breed the way women do,” she says. “They have to be convinced, or, uh, just put in the position where, “GUESS WHAT?! We’re having a baby!” because I firmly believe every guy, unless he is a sociopath, will love his child more than anything in the world and will be so, so, so happy about the wonderful changes a baby brings to his life.”
What worries her more than falling for someone who doesn’t want kids, she declares, is not falling for someone who does until it’s too late for them to have biological children together without “an a**load of help.” She says she’ll consider having a child on her own before that happens, but that the thought of having kids “without a partner is kinda sad.”
She echoes the thoughts of many women her age and older who have anxiety about finding Mr. Right before their biological clock stops ticking for good. “I’m fine being single,” admits Kelly, a woman in her mid-30s. “I have a fulfilling job, a wonderful circle of friends, and I’m financially and emotionally independent. But I do want kids one day and I really can’t imagine raising them without a partner.” She’s not currently seeing anyone and isn’t actively looking, so Kelly worries that by the time she meets someone she wants to have children with, she may not be able to any more “the old-fashioned way.” “It makes me wonder if I should be putting more effort into dating,” she muses.
Four years ago I was pushing 30 and didn’t have a man in my life either. I knew I wanted kids one day, but like Kelly, I wasn’t actively looking for someone to have them with — I was kind of passively dating with an openness to meeting Mr. Right. Like April, I decided if I ever met someone I really liked, I’d find out pretty quickly if he was anti-kids and if he was, I’d cut my losses early and move on before I got too invested. I met my now-husband on a blind date about four months before my 30th birthday. During the date he mentioned two things that got my attention: 1) He ran a side business making baby clothes, and 2) His brother and sister-in-law were expecting their first child later that summer. I saw my in: “Do you think you want to have kids someday, too?” I asked. He said “yes.” We dated for several years, and I married him three months ago. We joked with our families that we didn’t want them bugging us about grandkids for at least a year, but, ironically, it isn’t our families who are putting the pressure on us — we’re doing it ourselves!
“Even if I get pregnant right now,” I said to Drew the other day, “I’ll be almost 34 when the baby’s born. If I wait two more years after that to get pregnant again, I’ll be 37 when we have our second kid. And I want to be all done birthin’ babies by the time I’m 38.”
Medical issues aside, I don’t want to be an “old” mom. I want to have plenty of energy to chase toddlers, and I want to still be relatively young when my kids fly the coop. I like the idea of enjoying a second honeymoon stage when my husband and I eventually find ourselves alone in the home again, having raised (hopefully) well-adjusted, independent young adults. In my mind, that means I’m still in my mid-50s or so, which means we need to start our family, like, now. But just because we both feel emotionally, and, thankfully, financially prepared for kids doesn’t mean it’s the perfect time for them. For one thing, we want to own our home first. The idea of having a baby in our little one-bedroom Midtown Manhattan rental is scary enough to make me renew my birth control every six months. For another thing, we only just got married in July — we’d like to enjoy at least a little time together just the two of us before our lives become completely re-focused on little rug rats. We’ve decided for now to take it one day — or one month — at a time. We’ve started looking for our own house where we can start the family we both want, and, in the meantime, we’re taking full advantage of all our child-free time. Like Amy, I go through phases. Some weeks I hope we find that house tomorrow, and some days I hope it takes another year. Like meeting my husband, I suppose it will happen when the time is right.
Not every woman in my age group has been bit by the baby bug, of course. They may think about their biological clocks from time to time, but it’s more like, “Is this thing even on?” than “Holy crap, it’s out of control!” Caryn, a 30-year-old single woman, says she used to think she wanted kids one day until her friends started popping them out. “Now I cringe at babies crying in a restaurant, get annoyed when birth announcements arrive in the mail, and feel confident saying that I’m not sure if I want children.” You might think this attitude has affected Caryn’s friendships with women who have had kids, but she says it isn’t her lack of interest in having children that changes her friendships; it’s their lack of common ground. “They are living a life completely foreign to me,” she says. It’s a life, she worries, where some of her friends lose their identities in motherhood, making her wonder if having babies is a “cop-out” in a world where maybe they couldn’t find any other role for themselves as women. “My single friends and I often talk about how the only way to have your life celebrated as a woman is to get engaged, married, or have a baby. Nobody throws a shower for your career change or your promotion. We need china too,” she says.
Whether they’re on the baby wagon or not, there’s one thing most women can agree on when it comes to our biological clocks: Desperation isn’t a good color on anyone. We may have a limited time to conceive naturally, but for women who dream of becoming a mother one day, it’s important to remember that one of the reasons we delay motherhood longer than generations before ours did applies when we’re ready to embrace it, too. These days we have more options than ever.
*Names in this piece have been changed for privacy protection.
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amorsalado
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 10:37 am: [report]
I’ve somehow managed to turn 40. This is amazing to me, because I don’t feel much different than I did when I was 25. Anyway, there were things I wanted to do before I got married and had babies. I wanted a career. I wanted to travel. I wanted to be independent. I did all of those things. I enjoyed them all. At the time, I was happy that I got to do those things.
However, I was 35 before I met “the one”, and 35 is when your fertility dramatically drops. We both want children, and we started trying almost right away, with no results. We saw specialists. It became painfully clear that there would be no babies without that “buttload of intervention” know as assisted reproductive technologies. I don’t care to even contemplate how much money we’ve thrown into IVF. I try not to remember the roller coaster, the complete and total emotional devastation when it doesn’t work, or even worse the hear break when a pregnancy does actually happen but is subsequently lost. If I focus too much, I won’t be able to keep my eyes on the end goal.
So now here I am, five years later and 40 years old, and my only chance of having a baby is by giving up my biological link and using donor eggs. Which, by the way, I am doing. Best decision I ever made, and not nearly as hard as either of us thought it would be.
My point is, however, that these days women go out and do their thing first. They do their traveling. They have their careers. They date around. They delay getting married longer and longer. None of this is bad, don’t get me wrong. I totally did it myself. However, doing all of these things first absolutely puts a woman’s reproductive future in jeopardy.
There really needs to be a balance, because it’s just not true that you can “have everything.”
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]
I feel for you, Amorsolado, and every other woman in your boat (might be me soon!). I wish you all the best as you continue the path to parenthood.
dlc910
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]
Well, I’m glad that this article at least addressed that there are 30 something women out there NOT constantly thinking about having a baby. One of the problems I had with this article is that “men don’t have the same innate desire to breed”. I personally have had problems with guys who say “I don’t want marriage or children” then they talk about how they want the reception and what their future children’s names will be. I think men are expected to project a certain image - with the expectation that they will change their mind at the right time. I think this is unfair to everyone involved - the woman encouraged to ignore what the man is saying, the woman who takes the man at his word, and the guy who is encouraged to play silly games.
C.Munro
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]
My take is sorta like Caryn’s. I started noticing a desire to someday have kids around the same time a lot of my female friends heard their clocks ticking. Some time around 28. For a while, we all talked about that stuff. Then some of those friends started getting pregnant, and while their babies are very cute, seeing them live without sleep and deal with teething and all that other stuff is a real eye-opener.
One probably should read too much into word choice, but I wonder about women who say they, “want a baby.” That specific phrase. It sounds like saying, “I want a new car,” or “I want those shoes.” They want a baby, a cute little bundle that sleeps and makes cute noises and has cute little fingers and toes. A little bundle that makes them the center of attention, the envy of their friends for nine months or a year.
Somehow “I want to have children” doesn’t imply any of those things to me. That connotes an understanding that parenthood is a long-term responsibility, full of both joys and pitfalls. But I cringe when I hear, “I want a baby.”
Kappalambda
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]
I think you definitely have to balance your pursuits with the reality of reproductive biology. I am 29 and have a child. Life did not end. I still work, still travel, still take care of myself. I often hear a women who say “So and so got pregnant and 39 and my grandma had her last baby at 42!” Yes, many have their babies late, but often the women they were referring to were having their last babies, not their first, so the women were often already proven to be fertile. So they delay, roll the dice, some have kids now and some don’t. Yes, there are A LOT of 40 year old women walking around not looking a day over 27, doesn’t mean their eggs are 27. I think it is ok, just be willing to accept the consequences of your decisions if everything does not workout according to your 10-year plan.
AlisonNoelle
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 10:59 am: [report]
Even though I’m not quite 30 yet (2 more months :( ) I am totally hearing my biological clock just tick tick ticking away at me! And I already have 2 boys who are more than enough. But I just want my girl. Is it hard wired into us to want babies at a certain age? Like maybe our bodies know that its getting down to crunch time or something?
canadiancutie
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:04 am: [report]
Well, it’s a relief to know these are questions I won’t have to contend with since I genuinely do not want to have children.
Mark my words, if you ever see me pushing a stroller, I am either babysitting, had an accident that was not effectively “taken care of” within the appropriate amount of time, or my husband bullied me into it. Here’s hoping I wouldn’t resent him for the rest of our natural lives.
canadiancutie
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
I wonder how many women with kids were bullied into it by their mothers and husbands? I genuinely wonder if this is a common problem. I’m terrified of the day the bullying begins. It’s my biggest fear in life.
Lexington
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:16 am: [report]
I’m still pretty young for this to be a big worry- but when I was growing up I did want to be like my mom and get an early start- which is impossible now that I’ve passed the age she was when she had me (scary) and I’m not even on the path to a long-term relationship yet at 24. Considering she died at 43, I should probably stop using her life as a guide-book for how mine’s going to turn out
.
Anyways, I’m kind of to the point where I’m on the fence myself about having kids- don’t get me wrong, I love them a ridiculous amount- I’ve worked with kids for forever and am a part time nanny for an adorable two month old girl, but I think I’ve also gotten to the point where I don’t know if I’ll ever be ready for that kind of responsibility. I figure I’ll leave it up to my future husband- if he really wants kids then yeah, but if he’s on the fence or unless I change my mind I’ll let him decide.
Of course, with all the pressure from my stepmom, I might end up having babies by next year, who knows.
She’s pretty eager for both me and my sisters (except the 15 year old one, haha, who is probably more likely to get knocked up than the other ones) to get preggers as soon as possible. Both she and my dad are a little baby-crazy, but don’t want (or need) any more kids! So I can’t hold babies around her or she gets that look in her eyes- shame on her, she’s not even 45 yet!
karmakaze
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:35 am: [report]
I’m 24 and I have plenty of friends who talk about wanting marriage, children, a family…and for some reason, I feel as though I’m the only one who is unsure.
I still feel like a kid. I don’t feel grown-up or adult enough for any of it, despite all the ‘adult’ responsibilities I already have. Besides, at this point, children annoy the living hell out of me.
Maybe things will change, maybe they won’t. Who knows.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
@amorsolado: I know that I’ve said it before, but I wish you luck with your IVF.
LilMissSunshine
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
I get the “babies crazies”. I call it such because I’m nowhere near 30. Actually today is my 24th birthday. But I also have health issues and know if I want to get pregnant now is better than later. Also waiting for later may mean I have to have heart surgery before getting pregnant. But sometimes the default thought in my brain is, “I want a baby”. Which drives me batty because the last thing I really want or need right now is a child.
I also got a trial run at single motherhood by taking care of my niece for a week with no help. It helped me learn that I definitely want a partner to share parenting with. There were times when my niece did really cute things and there was no one to share the moment with. So for now I just have to ignore the baby crazy thoughts in my head. Live my life and hope all the pieces of the puzzle fall into place.
luke15chick
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:47 am: [report]
I too am not near the danger zone yet, but have always been very aware of the biological clock. Basically the later past 30 a woman waits for the first child, more likelihood of complications for example Down’s Syndrome and Autism. I don’t want my child to have to deal with that if I can help it. I did set up a life plan of being married mid to late 20s to have some fun before a baby comes. I am nowhere near marriage, so who knows.
JenniferRly
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:48 am: [report]
I got married last year, and just bought a house last month. People ask us about kids almost every day…
I feel strongly that we owe thanks to our feminist fore-mothers because I have no difficulty saying “not yet, thanks for asking” without feeling like less of a woman for wanting to wait.
However, we should think hard about the kids over 30 or 35, because there are so many more risks involved for both mom and baby.
Lilypie
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
Gah. Being single and 37 (and having always wanted kids), this is something that is constantly on my mind though I go out of my way not to talk about it with others, especially men I date. Talking about it isn’t going to make it happen faster. The thought of not having kids makes me really sad, but having one alone isn’t for me. One of my best friends married at 37 and after 7 years of fertility treatments, they have given up on having kids. While I’m resigned to the idea of likely having to need fertility help if I ever marry, the thought that it might not work and I will have missed my chance worries me.
cattgirl813
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
I knew I didn’t want to be a mother when I was 20 years old, and have never had second thoughts. I’m 42 now. Does this mean that, since I didn’t catch the baby fever in my 30s, I never really went through my 30s? Or that I can be in my 30s forever? Now that’s a concept I can get behind….
amandabear
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
My mom tells me that the first time I said I didn’t want babies, I was 5. I’m 26 now and my feelings haven’t changed. I guess I’m one of those “is this thing even on?” people. My biological clock ticks occasionally, when I see a particularly cute kid or something, but then I go to the grocery store and there’s a woman with 3+ kids, all of whom are screaming, and the clock powers down with lightning speed. We’ll see how I feel in 5 or 6 years, I suppose, but it’s really just not something I’ve ever felt the need to have in my life. It definitely does make being single less stressful, although on the flip side I’ve had to end things with guys because they’re certain they want kids one day. It’s always something.
breakthisvanity
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 01:25 pm: [report]
I am really glad this article was posted. Since I was a little girl, I have always said I never wanted kids. They made me cringe! I never wanted any of my own. But lately, I’ve been having random thoughts and desires for children. It’s freaking me out because it’s the complete opposite of what I’ve said my whole life. I’m only 20 and I’m thinking abut babies!! It’s like all of a sudden my biological clock has turned on and started to tick. I hope this isn’t what it’s going to be like for the next 20 years or so…
equnsuocha
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 01:27 pm: [report]
I am 37 and have always wanted children. My ex-husband was well aware of this. He led me on for 10 years with the tales of “someday”. When I was 32 I was diagnosed with adinomyosis (sp?) and cervial cancer. I had the procedure for the cancer and thankfully it was caught early on so I am now 5 years cancer free. My OB/GYN told me at that time that my biological clock was on the final countdown so to speak, and if I wanted to have children the time was at hand. My ex-husband tried for me, once. Now flash forward, 5 years I am 2 years divorced and living with the love of my life. He wants children but he is only 26 and simply isnt ready to be a father. I knew this going into the relationship and he knew how badly i wanted to be a mother but we have an unspoken agreement. I don’t pester him about having a family and he holds me close everytime a friend or relative calls to tell me they are pregnant. The guilt cycle I go through is ridiculous, I am happy for my friends and yet so jealous and angry at the same time.
I understand that all women arent the same and I also believe there is some sort of order in the universe so I am trying very hard to make my peace with the situation. I have even made an effort to open myself up to adoption, which was not something I thought I would ever even consider. For me it is a constant battle, I cry at babies I see or in the baby department of stores, I also feel so guilty that I may never be able to give this wonderful man what he will eventally want. A child of his own. This is a tough boat to be in and I give my love and support to all women who have made a choice about whether or not they want children.
equnsuocha
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 01:46 pm: [report]
Adenomyosis is a medical condition characterized by the presence of ectopic endometrial tissue (the inner lining of the uterus) within the myometrium (the thick, muscular layer of the uterus).
Treatment options range from use of NSAIDS & hormonal suppression for symptomatic relief, with hysterectomy the only permanent cure option.
In case you were wondering
camille905
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 02:06 pm: [report]
I’ve always known that if nothing else, I definitely wanted to have kids. I used to date men occasionally who didn’t want kids but now it’s a deal breaker. I have a variety of health issues that will make any pregnancy at any age for me high risk. I just turned 26 and am single and people around me are having babies left and right. While I’m happy for them I’m also jealous and sad that I may never get that chance.
equnsuocha
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 02:11 pm: [report]
@camille905 - Your feelings are natural just dont let them consume you. Give yourself 10 minutes of jealousy and self pity time. Then ball it up and throw it away. Holding on to it only injures you more, trust me.
*hugs*
Knitter79
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 03:08 pm: [report]
I’ve been baby crazy lately, but mostly because I’m with a guy that I think would be an awesome dad (and husband) and because my 6 month old nephew is so frickin’ adorable.
What really brings out the jealousy though is not friends/co-workers/people my age getting pregnant, but my younger cousins. It’s as though they are passing me up and I’ve been relegated to the ‘old maid’ part of my extended family. My promotion at work is not nearly as interesting as my cousin talking about morning sickness, apparently.
majicksand
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]
My biological clock was in full swing before I hit puberty. No matter what else I wanted, I always knew I wanted to be a mom. I’ve been blessed with two beautiful (and nerve-wracking) boys. Like AlisonNoelle, I plan to try once more for a girl. I’m 36, so I’m keeping my fingers crossed that everything is still functioning properly.
Phoenix_R
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 03:48 pm: [report]
I am so glad I will never have to go through this. I am 24 and I have never wanted children. I put aside all babydolls in favor of a chemistry set at the age of 7 and never looked back. I have always known it was not for me.
As to the commenter who asked how many women are bullied into children, I can say I was almost one of them. I noticed holes in the condom to be used with a man who I was dating who expressed his desire to start a family. Luckily I always inspect condoms before I use them.
Since then I have been sterilized. I have no regrets.
bjoontheupside
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 04:44 pm: [report]
When I was much younger, (teenage years to early twenties) I never thought I’d have a child. I was kind of indifferent to having children back then. I wasn’t completely against it, but certainly wasn’t for it either. At twenty-five, I was married. I found out that I was pregnant just two days before my wedding day, but my initial reaction was happy-fear. It’s the only way I know how to put it. Once I realized just how much my life was going to change, I completely opened up to it and was just…so excited. Sadly to say, I had a miscarriage in my third month and it was certainly a hard blow to deal with. Fast forward to now-I’m thirty-one years old, single, and have been divorced for over three years. I still think about that kid I could have had from time to time, and I certainly do want to have a child some day within the next five years. Of course with the road I’m on currently, I fear that the timing may never be right and of course there is the obvious-that I’m single and not actively looking. I’m just taking one day at a time and remaining hopeful.
tattooed_redhead
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 06:33 pm: [report]
At 37, the only time kids are on my mind is when I see them screaming in a store or a restaurant and I think to myself, ‘thank the gods they aren’t mine’! I’ve never wanted kids, even when I was one myself. I just knew they weren’t for me. One of my best friends swears her biological clock is ticking so hard it wakes her up at night. I have no idea what that is like. I’m pretty sure I was out shoe shopping the day they were installed.
Drea
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 06:56 pm: [report]
I’ve never really wanted kids, but if I met the right person that could change if need be. My ex wanted kids and I entertained the idea and probably would have had kids with him if we’d stayed together and if he would have just proved to me that he was willing and able to help me take care of them. Neither of those things happened so it’s good that we never had any accidents.
I’m 31 and my happiness does not hinge on whether or not I have kids. I probably won’t have any at this point and that’s fine with me.
risatrix
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 08:27 pm: [report]
Here’s a cynical theory on why thirtysomething women are baby-crazy: because by that point, all the men who wanted babies are already married with children, and all the ones who didn’t are waiting until their midlife crisis—at which point (say 40’s or 50’s) they will very publicly repent of what cads they’ve been and find a younger woman to bear their progeny. At least that’s the situation I’m seeing among my smart, successful thirtysomething friends who want babies.
It’s depressing because it highlights one of the few truly insurmountable physical difference between the sexes. Men can choose in a way women can’t—hence women’s anxiety when the clock starts ticking.
risatrix
Embalmerbee
wrote on October 14 2009 @ 10:17 pm: [report]
I think some of the babycrazy is pressure- by family, friends, and yes, even co-workers. Also, friends who get pregnant often spark the babycrazy mentality in others.
Sadly, not everyone who wants a child is a good candidate for parenting, and sometimes those who would make great parents can’t have children.
@risatrix- I think you hit on a good point. Women know they have a “use by” date on their uterus, whereas men can use their equipment for quite a while longer…and this is opening up way too many ideas for a snarky man-bashing remark…I gotta go now.
joyy
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 09:14 am: [report]
//the only way to have your life celebrated as a woman is to get engaged, married, or have a baby. Nobody throws a shower for your career change or your promotion. We need china too,” she says.//
Thank you for describing your non-baby-crazy friend and her views in a respectful way - and I totally agree with this. I’ve had a fairly accomplished several years lately, but the only thing some people deem as events worthy of celebrating or even acknowledging are the ones mentioned above.
I’ve even heard people congratulating each other on engagements saying things like “isn’t it great to see so many of us moving forward with our lives?” as if a) getting married is automatically checking that box (ask anyone whose marriage was a mistake about that) and b) not doing these things means your life is stagnant. ugh.
Also, where’s the love for adoption or even fostering? I know it’s a lengthy, difficult, and often expensive process, but I don’t see it mentioned.
@c.munro - word. this is exactly why I cringe when I hear the phrase “I want a baby.” Not because I find it repulsive that some people want to have a family (I don’t), but because ... well, you nailed it.
amorsalado
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 09:21 am: [report]
Because it’s not nearly as easy as people would have you believe. There’s nothing “just” about “just adopting”. Believe me, I’ve been trying to do it for years. I’d LOVE to adopt. There were moments when it was more painful even than the failed fertility treatments are. I know a whole bunch of people who would have completed their families by now if it were as easy to adopt as people seem to think it is.
luke15chick
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 09:32 am: [report]
If you are still serious about adopting, you might want to consider adopting through the state of Florida, the adoption laws lean towards making adoption easier for the adopting families, and yes if you live in another state you can still adopt through Florida.
joyy
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 09:40 am: [report]
@amorsalado - um, read the line you quote: I agree! And I never suggest people “just” adopt (as if it were a cinch - again, read my comment, I acknowledge that it is anything but simple).
I’m just saying that it’s a valid option, and as such I don’t get why it’s left out. I just think there should be more support in general for it as a legitimate way to form one’s family, whereever it happens to fall on the spectrum of most likely to actually happen for any given couple/person to start their family.
LOCI
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
I’m 41, never had any interest in kids, ever. No biological clock, no little twinges here or there when I see kids in public. I find them annoying, noisy, and too demanding. I’d love to get married and it either will or won’t happen. One of the greatthings about being over 35 and childfree by choice is all the available men have made their decisions and I can just point to my age and say “Not only do I not want kids, I am too old for them…so either you want me and a child-free life or you don’t. No hesitation necessary.” I’d have no issue with a partner who already had kids of his own, but prefer they not live with us.
risatrix
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
@embalmerbee: aw, c’mon, what’s wrong with snarky anti-men remarks, especially for guys who wait till they’re 50 and then insist on reproducing biologically? Personally, I think they deserve a little public ridicule.
Re: adoption, I agree it’s an option inasmuch as a person can afford it; but it still doesn’t solve the dilemma of shared caretaking and finances. If you’re a single woman who adopts a baby, you’re really taking on an enormous burden for yourself, to the extent that I wouldn’t say it’s viable option for all—or even most—women. Definitely more viable for women who wait, get married, then adopt, but this still leaves the challenges of being an older parent.
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 04:35 pm: [report]
@joyy, Adoptotion, fostering, and other options towards parenthood are indirectly mentioned in this piece in the last two sentences when I say: “We may have a limited time to conceive naturally, but for women who dream of becoming a mother one day, it’s important to remember that one of the reasons we delay motherhood longer than generations before ours applies when we’re ready to embrace it, too. These days we have more options than ever.”
joyy
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 04:47 pm: [report]
@wendy - that was more to the comments than anything.
truckinggirl
wrote on October 15 2009 @ 06:52 pm: [report]
My clock has been ticking for years. I knew the day my sister was born I wanted to be a mom someday. I am 32 scaring 33 and still childless but I know that is okay. My mom waited until 34 to have me and 38 for my sister so I have time. Adoption is always an option even if the cost is insane. I have the pity parties sometimes but you just have to keep on praying that when the time is right it will happen. My boyfriend has more to worry about than me he will be over 50 when I turn 34 - lol
TotallyRidiculous
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 08:12 am: [report]
My mother died when I was 19 and she was 50(cancer). I am now 25. When I think about whether I want kids, I think about how old I want them to be when I die. I don’t like the idea of having kids in the next five years, but when I hear people talking about having kids over the age of 35, I think about how much worse it would be if my mother had died when I was 14. I also think about my friends who, at 25, have parents who are 65 or even nearing 70, and how it won’t be that much longer before their parents need taking care of. I feel like when people make the decision to have kids when they are older they should think about these things. I understand, because I definitely feel like I don’t want kids until I’m older, but thinking about these things leaves me kind of torn.
A.J.R.
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 11:04 am: [report]
On the other side of the coin, it is really off-putting when you’re childless-by-choice (as the wife and I are, for now, at least) and people whose opinion you DID NOT ASK FOR tell you that a) there’s something wrong with you or b) you’ll change your tune in a year or two. It actually makes me more likely to never have kids, just to prove them wrong. And it’s really depressing to lose friends to stroller and diaper talk. Seems to be an unwritten rule that once a friend has a baby, they can’t be your friend anymore if you don’t have one yourself.
IHaveToRegisterToTellYouYourDumb
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
And I quote:
“[Men] have to be convinced, or, uh, just put in the position where, “GUESS WHAT?! We’re having a baby!” because I firmly believe every guy, unless he is a sociopath, will love his child more than anything in the world and will be so, so, so happy about the wonderful changes a baby brings to his life.”
If you ever want to know why guys DO NOT want to tell a girl that they want to have children, it is because there are girls who think and act on this thought.
No, we actually would like to make our own decisions about when we want to have children - right to choose, sound familiar ladies? This sort of thinking is manipulative, demeaning to both men and women, and if the roles were reversed, women would be up in arms furious that a man would make such presumptions about what a “woman really thinks” and how she just needs to be tricked into a life long commitment. Please. Girls get pissed if a guy presumes he knows what she wants for dinner and orders it for her.
Men know who they want children with. We know it just like you know when you fall in love. If a woman chooses to be with men that don’t want children with them, that’s because a woman is trying to have her cake and eat it too in the relationship. Just like few guys have the party girl who wants to be a proper trophy wife and perfect mother to his kids, few girls can’t have the bad boy who wants children and to build a family.
equnsuocha
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 03:24 pm: [report]
@IHavweToRegisterToTellYouYourDumb
You may want to try using proper english in your name when your (see what i did there) attempting to flame someone.
thank you for your post and thank you for showing us you’re a moron.
equnsuocha
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 03:25 pm: [report]
Dammit stupid non-editing enabled board!!! Its so hard to be snarky when you fat finger something >.<
triplem
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 06:28 pm: [report]
And *I* registered just to say that I don’t care how he spells “your” I (a woman) completely agree with him—I was absolutely appalled when I read that “men just have to be put in the position of being fathers, all will be fine, they just don’t know what they *really* want!” What is this, 1955??
fashionista
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 06:29 pm: [report]
@canadiancutie: I am there. My husband is bullying me about having babies. I don’t feel our relationship is stable enough at this time to provide a nurturing environment for a child. It is awful. There are deeper issues that will only be magnified by adding a baby at this time. I don’t never want babies, but I’m not ready to start trying right now. The stress I feel alone will not be conducive to a healthy pregnancy. I don’t understand why he can’t respect my wish to just wait. I don’t want to be resentful so I want to feel more open to motherhood. I’m not 35 yet. I have a couple years and I’m not that worried about it. Maybe I’m being naive, but I can relate to how you feel. :(
DancerNinja
wrote on October 16 2009 @ 11:41 pm: [report]
I see having kids as the greatest personal genetics experiment. Nature vs. nurture would get put to the test with any spawn of mine. I’m just waiting for the invention of an external, faux uterus for me to grow my F1 generation.
I ain’t destroying my vajayjay for not baybay.
Sofjna
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 12:52 am: [report]
@IHaveToRegisterToTell…: please change your user name. You made a good argument without being insulting, but I almost didn’t read it because it sounded like another stupid troll name.
TheUnusualSuspect
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 09:30 pm: [report]
@risatrix
Not every man who is unmarried and in his 40s or 50s is/was a cad. I’m 45 and have been with only one woman, for a little over one year, and that was 20 years ago, and is a story for another time. I’ve never been married, and have been single all this time because of shyness, social awkwardness, physical unattractiveness, etc. No, I’m not a cad. I have been on receiving end of womens’ cad-ness. I have wavered over the years on the issue of having children. Right now I am in favor of it (and granted, it may be a mid-life crisis), but it really isn’t an option since, along with being single, there’s no one in particular that I’m not married to. This has been the situation for 20 years.
missyxjoanna
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 10:24 pm: [report]
well i honestly can’t feel the same for 30 something women who are wanting to have babies because i already had a baby and im only 19. but as i grow i can’t help but to feel if i will ever meet the “one” because i already have a baby from someone else. i feel like most guys are intimidated to settle down with a single mother. just like them however, i feel like by the time im 30 im gonna start wanting another baby and i will probably be single. right now im college though, if i ever meet someone and things go very well, then baby making plans are def going to be in my mind.
develange
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 10:55 pm: [report]
I believe our original purpose in life was to live, reproduce, and die. Now that the population is huge and we aren’t hunting mammoths, I think it’s OK if people do not want to have children. There will be plenty of people who do. And that’s fine.
Less than eight years until I’m thirty, and I have yet to experience that baby itch. I know there are single mothers, by choice. But if I ever do have a child, I want it to an intense and fulfilling experience with a man I love. And more importantly, to believe that I’m ready for it, financially, mentally. Not because “I just want a baby.” If the desire for a child/children doesn’t happen until my mid to late thirties, so be it.
develange
wrote on October 17 2009 @ 10:58 pm: [report]
@ missyxjoanna - you will meet someone. If it happens soon, I doubt it will be a 19-year-old, but there will be someone who will love you AND your baby.
Kasparian
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 06:05 pm: [report]
I can understand the worries that women go through when making such important decisions as to having babies. my problem is that I never found the right kind of guy to be the father of my babies. I am a psychologist (Melanoma research) but ironically I never understood myself. i wasted so many years of my life being with different “Partners” not realizing that my biological clock was ticking and the window of opportunity to have kids was closing ever so fast. Now, that I am 52 years old and I am with a man in his 70’s who had children from a previous marriage I have a lot of regrets not having my own children. I have to pretend that I enjoy being with them and celebrating their successes. I hope young women will not waste their time to have kids like I did. Career is important but being a mother at the right time(preferably before 30) is equally important. Please don’t make the mistake of putting it off for later because one day it will be too late. I wish had listened to my cousin who predicted that this would happen to me.
og217
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 12:24 am: [report]
I completely agree with IHaveToregister and triplem - men who get tricken into a kid and are unhappy are not monsters, they are men who didn’t want your stupid brat, just as they said all along! Tricking people and then trying to paint them out as monsters or immoral is exactly that!!! And unwaned children don’t inspire anyone to change their mind, they inspire people to hate the person who tricked them. We all know this and see it all around, as stupid women whelp out kids whose fathers take off. Wanting a child by an over-30’s woman does not somehow trump not wanting a child by the guy. There is no “right” to have a child and no one owes you one. I see some older women demand a child from their boyfriends of a year, as if its the guy’s fault she wasted 25 years of fertility. I think that’s wrong, and women should hold themselves responsible, not their latest boyfriends.
develange
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 06:31 am: [report]
I don’t get how an adult gets “tricked” into having a baby.