Are You A Rage-aholic?
Posted by: Ami Angelowicz
Filed in:
news
11:40AM, Tuesday October 6th 2009
Last week, I was in line at the grocery store. I had just finished a hardcore workout at the gym and was starving, so I popped in to pick up a few things. Meanwhile, my Blackberry was going off … emails, questions, work to be done. My mom was calling. My friends were texting about plans for the evening. And most unfortunately, the old woman in front of me was hell-bent on saving $1 on six cans of chicken broth with an expired coupon. Of course the checkout girl wouldn’t let her use the coupon—she smacked her gum and rolled her eyes instead. The old woman persisted in broken English: “One dollar off chicken broth! It say one dollar off chicken broth!” This scene went on like a broken record until finally the checker had to leave her station and get the manager. This process took no less than 20 minutes and the line continued to multiply. The voice inside my head started screaming, until finally I blurted out, “There are other people waiting here! F**k the soup!” It was the F-bomb heard ‘round the grocery store. I immediately felt ashamed as I looked around at all the other seemingly calm shoppers. What happened to me? Why did I fly into a rage?
Apparently, I’m not alone. According to a new study done in the U.K., women are becoming more aggressive and violent. The number of women being sentenced for violent crimes has hit a five-year high. Road rage (I hate people who don’t signal!), office rage (ever concocted a murderous plot to off your boss?), and internet rage (who hasn’t left an anonymous livid comment?) are also on the rise. Verdict: we have lost control. Why is this becoming the norm for us? Aside from the sad fact that both sexes are becoming more desensitized to aggressive and violent behavior, psychologists think it might be because of women’s relationship to anger. While men are taught that it’s OK to demonstrate anger, women are taught to hold it in and control it. We all know how well that works—not at all—so we end up engaging in passive-aggressive behavior. Holding our anger inside just leads to volcano-like explosions. [Daily Mail]
So, how do we reverse this crazy trend? There’s really only one way. We have to express our anger as honestly and responsibly as possible and try not to harm ourselves or anyone else. Maybe I should have just switched lines when the soup charade started or just kindly asked the woman if I could go ahead while she waited for the manager?
Here are some more stories of unbridled rage below.
Last week I lost it in the salad shop because the process was really disorganized and they couldn’t hear that I wanted chickpeas. So I said, “This isn’t going to work!” and walked out without any food. Since I don’t drive, lunch rage might be the closest thing I experience to road rage.
When a live-in ex dumped me and kicked me out of our apartment (he had the lease), there was one day when I came home to find he’d opened and gone through every single box I’d packed—to make sure I hadn’t STOLEN anything. He was standing there triumphantly with some stupid paperback that he was certain I’d pillaged from his collection. I went and got HIS copy off his shelf, threw it at him. I told him if he didn’t leave the apartment immediately I knew exactly which knife I was going to plunge into his chest. I actually saw myself doing it in my head! It was the angriest I’ve ever been and lucky for him, he believed me and left quickly.
I slapped my friend’s roommate. It was my friend’s birthday, but he was laid out in bed with a cold. His roommate locked me out in the hallway and wouldn’t let me into their apartment unless I promised to give my guy friend a “birthday blowjob.” I stood outside that door for several minutes asking to be let in and this kid kept refusing, so I went elsewhere. Later that night, my friend woke up and told me to come back over. He let me in—and I marched right over to his roommate and slapped him in the face three times. This guy started to cry and shouted that I was a bitch. But I told him he acted completely inappropriately. My friend agreed, but was, of course, angry that I’d slapped his roommate. Yeah, I was ashamed, but in the grand scheme of things, this jerk had it coming.
How about you? What’s the worst rage moment you’ve ever had?
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SouthOC
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:04 am: [report]
I think part of the cause of “raging” is that we have so many things at our fingertips with lightning speed and instant access (i.e., Internet, mobile phones, texting, 500 Cable TV Channels). As a result, we expect EVERYTHING to be this fast.
I’m a pretty mellow dude, but I’ve horrified myself on several occasions with my impatience while driving… My moment of truth came a few weeks ago when I laid on the horn and cursed a blue streak at a car in front of me. When I pulled up alongside them while passing, I noticed a sweet old lady behind the wheel.
I was so ashamed of myself, and pictured how I would feel if someone treated my mother like this. Not cool!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
I’m only raging against the machine.
and conservatives, morons, religion, vegans and mouth breathers.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:08 am: [report]
Oh, and Ami, maybe you need to head on over to the pot threads. We’re chillin’ over there.
brandyalexander
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
Ohh CheeeEEEse, be nice to the vegans…
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
@brandy: I’d totally eat one if they’d let me. I doubt they’d taste all that good though, not enough marbling.
brandyalexander
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:32 am: [report]
I’m vegan and you can eat me anytime you want
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:37 am: [report]
I seriously doubt you’d like to lay on the grill long enough to get medium rare. Call me when you’d like to try.
bumbler
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
I guess I can’t comment because I would have done the same in the roommate situation. Possibly a knee in the groin as well just to make sure the point was understood.
brandyalexander
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:40 am: [report]
:p
C.Munro
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:43 am: [report]
I think there’s been a decline in civility over the last few decades. People are more self-absorbed and seem to go out of their way to avoid interacting with others. It’s like people are terrified of talking to, or even making eye contact with, strangers. We live in our own narcissistic little bubbles, trying not to see each other and forgetting the meaning of empathy.
I’m just as bad as anyone else, but it’s a sad state of affairs nonetheless.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]
@C.Munro: And that is the exact reason I wear my noise canceling headphones on the sidewalk. I think it’s especially important to scowl at everyone who doesn’t walk as fast as well as people who swerve not allowing me through.
*epic scowl*
Humble Bee
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
lol CheeeEEEse, I met Zak de la Rocha once! We were trying to save the South Central farm and he showed up to perform, he’s so nice! & I digress…
I used to be really impatient, so that lead to explosive anger. I’ve learned to relax and just let things be, you only complicate your own life. I’m not really one of those road rage people, because I drive like a grandma. I’ve noticed that we like things extremely fast, we are so used to everything drive-thru, express, people can’t wait a fu*cking minute anymore. I try my best not to let anger get the best of me, but sometimes you have to let certain morons know they are doing wrong.
tabby
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
You know, I may not have slapped the roommate in the face, but I definitely would have gotten in his face and told him what for. Which may or may involve some shoving. In situations like that, you really do need to let the offender know that he is way, way over the line. The restaurant rage situations? Not so much.
AlisonNoelle
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
I will at first confess that I am not a very patient person. People who drive too slow, don’t go at a stop sign when I would have went, talk too loudly on their cell phones, mouth breathers, chew their gum too loudly, don’t say excuse me when the bump into me, etc., they all piss me off. The worst “rage reactions” that I can remember are 1)My oldest sons dad and I were fighting (again) and he called me a c*nt. I hauled off and slapped him as hard as I could in the face. He then ruined everything by slapping my right back. ( I was 3 months pregnant.) 2)My husband snores. About a month ago after god knows how many nights of not falling asleep till about 1 because of said snoring I finally just kicked him off the bed. Not hard but I just pushed him with my legs till he was on the floor. I wanted to elbow him in the face but restrained myself. He went to the couch and I got the first good nights sleep I had had in about a month. Mean I know but GAWD.
amandabear
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:56 am: [report]
Oh man, I am totally road-ragey. People who don’t signal, people riding your ass when you’re already going 80 in a 65 zone, people going 40 in a 65 zone, construction, traffic. Ugh. Nothing makes me crankier. A lot of it is impatience, definitely.
Riley
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:59 am: [report]
I’m usually pretty good about containing the little white-hot sparks of rage. Besides, I’m rarely in a hurry to get anywhere. Letting things get to you just wastes so much time.
moonblossom
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 12:10 pm: [report]
My rage is usually behind the wheel. I can’t stand irresponsible drivers. School zones for instance. Do we really need to drive fast through them? There’s one by my mother’s house. Just this morning some guys passed me in it…nevermind the orange traffic cones, the signs on the street, and the big building with the playground equipment out front…he still passed me. Then when I honked at him he got all aggressive and turned at the light to follow me. That’s when the rage got going. I had visions of hopping out of my car and beating him a little bit. Instead I just held up my cell phone and let him know I would be happy to call the cops. He left.
emflow
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]
I definitely have issues with anger - I’ve never blown up publicly, but ever so often I find myself pounding my keyboard cause the computer’s frozen. My bigger problem is that I tend to channel pent up anger toward whatever’s annoying me at the moment, which leads to excessive (if sort-term) anger at people that don’t deserve that degree of anger.
Granted, women aren’t taught to express anger in healthy ways, but I think an equally big problem is how women’s anger and expressions of anger are perceived by out culture. Women’s anger is generally disregarded. When a woman expresses anger she is much more likely than a man to be dismissed as overly emotional, or overreacting.
And because women are traditionally portrayed as the “weaker sex” in all ways, women aren’t given good guidelines for physical displays of aggression. Take the example in the article of the woman who slapped her friend’s roommate. Switch the genders and the situation looks like a very disturbing assault. When women’s appropriate expressions of anger are dismissed I think we’re more likely to inappropriately express anger physically. But physical expressions of anger are still dismissed as women overreacting and being overly emotional.
Emi
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 01:08 pm: [report]
I don’t get angry often but everyone has their limits. I remember one kid in school kept taunting/teasing me and my friend (insults, names, throwing food, etc) relentlessly, and while I ignored him I felt the rage building up. He got up to change the tv channel we were watching, and I snapped so I rushed over and kicked the chair he was standing on out from under him and advanced on him like I was going to beat his face in. I could see he was scared which was really satisfying, but luckily my friend stopped me and there was no teacher around so I didn’t get suspended or anything. haha
mayorbubbles
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:00 pm: [report]
Oh god, I get road rage. Only it’s more like yelling at car, i get over it in like, 2 seconds, lol. Ami, in your situation i would have probably done the same thing. 20 minutes is an awful long time to wait in line. They should have opened another line and the lady talk to the manager separately. Situation 1, people say I talk too low so I kind of understand when i get told to repeat myself but it’s freaking annoying. Situation 2, I would have been mad that he would be so petty as to go through all of my stuff. Hopefully he didn’t mess everything up. I don’t think i would threaten him with a knife but i probably would have beat the crap out of him. hahaha. Situation 3, he deserved it. I would have done the same thing.
My one friend has anger issues so i try to get her to talk about what’s making her mad instead of yelling or hitting people. She winds up hitting anything around her but i guess it’s an improvement. haha.
katethegreat
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 02:01 pm: [report]
At the RMV, of course. I received terrible service from one of the women working there, and when I asked to speak with her manager, she told me she couldn’t go get him because that would mean she’d have to walk all the way across the room and it was too far. I blew up and told her she was lazy and had no idea how to do her job. I hated that I lost control and ended up looking like the jerk. It sucks when stupid people make you lose your cool.
retro chic
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:04 pm: [report]
Ami: years ago I would react as you did, now I’d just hand the ol’ broad the $1. It’s a small price to pay for preserving one’s mental health. Those are valuable brain cells, you know!
@SouthOC: yes I know! It took just one of those mortifiers to recommit myself to more empathy too.
Life just shouldn’t be all that serious. And if that isn’t enough, I have a kid; so between changing priorities and loving parenthood, her mental image of me when she grows up keeps me on the straight and smoothy. Big time.
writergirl
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:14 pm: [report]
I haven’t blown up like that—in a store at a stranger—in a while, but I’ve done it. I’ve never been susceptible to road rage. My kid can set me off like no one’s business, but usually it is a long progression of things with him that get me to blow my top. I try to curb that though, because my mother did it when I was younger and still does it to this day. (She yelled at me today in fact) and I don’t want to subject him to that behavior. I’m not always successful, but I try.
BlueVibe
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 03:38 pm: [report]
The only things that start to make my hackles rise are repeat offenders. Stuff I run into all the time and cannot avoid.
1) The girl in the department that works with ours who can never find anything. She’s worked here longer than I have and I still have to tell her what to do in every little situation.
2) Drivers who, when I have my turn signal on to change lanes, hang in my blind spot. Either speed up and let me get in behind you, or back off and let me get in in front. I don’t care which. But don’t hang out in my $#@!! blind spot.
3) My roommate’s persistent inability to put dishes in the dishwasher, and then her tendency to nag ME about attracting bugs if I leave a dish out.
retro chic
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
@writergirl: Yep, it’s def a learned process.
My father, is still a rage-aholic (good word, Ami) and tries to pull that crap: I go into </conversation> mode. I think you either you become just like a parent or the extreme opposite. I was determined to be the latter, more like mom.
But I think even the bad ones can be good models for how not to behave. So when I tell my dad I learned so much from him, I can really mean it! My child is the direct real-time beneficiary of how I handle myself, esp with “grandpa,” whose voice can send literal shock waves thru solid walls and ring doorbells.
So, I’m quite motivated.
I also grew to become more cognizant of how to conserve, not expend, unnecessary energy of any kind. That’s the fundamental change for me: I can have a ragey thought, but choosing to not act on it is the key, improving things dramatically. That’s when I emerged as “Me.” Again… it’s a process, that’s for sure.
writergirl
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 04:22 pm: [report]
@ retro chic—
Yup. That’s what I do. I also tend to be more realistic than optimistic or pessimistic, so I tend to stay on an even keel. I discern “how” something is most likely to turn out and wait for it to happen. My mother is a raging optimist and then gets pissed when things turn out realistically.
Laurel
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:28 pm: [report]
@emflow, GREAT comment. I think you really got to the root of it.
Heatherer
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 10:30 pm: [report]
Apparently I’m full of rage too because I would have reacted pretty much the same in each situation.
fallonthecity
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:36 pm: [report]
I would have done the same thing to that guy’s roommate…
I tend to get mad instead of sad. When my grandmother had a pretty devastating stroke a few years ago, I punched a wall and broke my hand (not fun, won’t be doing that again). I have road rage I guess, but it’s mostly just me yelling “step on it motherf**ker!”
When I was living in the dorms at school, my suitemate was the biggest mooch—she’d ask to borrow money all the time, and she always ate my food (and then cried when I confronted her about it). One night I baked two chocolate chip cookies in a little toaster oven (I kept cookie dough in the freezer and only made a couple at a time), and she followed me when I went to take them out, and said, “I’ll be your best friend if I can have one of those…” and I turned around and chucked them out the open window, pan and all. (Of course she cried again…)
Heatherer
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:40 pm: [report]
@fallonthecity HA that cookie thing is hilarious.
DancerNinja
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 11:56 pm: [report]
I read an article about two years ago that women are becoming more violent and aggressive in general at younger ages. We’re not talking run of the mill, things aren’t going my way fury, but “lets form a gang and beat the #&@$% out of X” violence. The aggression is also seen in much harsher forms for sports competition. Woman’s sports are so sweet like they were in out parents’ times.
Letting out anger can be a release, and that feeling of release can be just as addictive to some women as it can be for those violent leaning men. And women are being told more and more it’s okay to be aggressive, but we aren’t always given the same venues and tools to deal with that anger and aggression like boys are.
sameji
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 12:54 am: [report]
I’m the kind of person that’s usually pretty chill, and it’s pretty hard to make me angry, but I’m like a hurricane when I get mad. The last time I got angry in public was during a movie when some kid kept talking the entire time and I turned around and called out “shut your kid up.” It didn’t work, alas, it just got my friend mad at me.
@DancerNinja
Girls’ sports teams are brutal. The waterpolo girls at my school would grow their toenails out so they could scratch the other girls underwater and kick them in the groin. The basketball team at my classmate’s school got into fights during pretty much every single game. I don’t know how they all got like this, but it’s crazy.
adamjs
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 05:04 am: [report]
@ everyone who is raging: do you guys often stop to think about the reaction of the other person?
For instance - I had this older lady, about 55, who threatened to knife me, was swearing and screaming at me, then started with crazy windmill arms. It really freaked me out. My crime was apparently parking in the street in a spot that I was magically meant to know was “her” parking space because she always parked there when she could. A sane person would have just asked me to politely move because she liked that spot.
I’m a pretty calm person usually - but I was really struggling to hold my emotions in-check while this crazy person was throwing verbal and physical abuse at me. I keep thinking that, had I been some other random guy, she could have been in a lot of trouble.
ChocoBoo
wrote on October 7 2009 @ 08:30 am: [report]
I mainly grow more upset when people (usually men) don’t allow me to be mad about something. I feel women are still expected to react sweetly to angering situations. Getting angry (for me)is an organic process: the anger is seeded by a certain event/action, it blooms into a quick huff or ‘damn it!’ outburst, and withers away to an ‘oh well, who cares’ moment. When someone tries to deny my right to get a little pissed about something, or starts telling me how ‘cute’ it is how women get angry the whole thing erupts into a “I’m gonna smack the s**t outta you, you *@#^!!%!&*&&#” moment. Still, I don’t go for any violence.