Are Women Programed To Fight With Their Mothers-In-Law?

writergirl
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 12:15 pm: [report]

My MIL and I got along great.  Until my husband got a head injury.  Then we had problems.  Mainly because she wanted to butt-in and take care of things and *my* role as his wife/protector/medical-go-between was ignored by both his mother and his sisters.

Not that anyone offered to HELP me in anyway—having a two year old at home and a husband in the ICU—oh no.  Just called the doctor/nurses station constantly and got pissed when they weren’t given any answers.  ANd then they called me.  Four to five times a day.

To say I got a little pissed is an understatement.  I even tried having a point of contact.  I would call one person, she would be responsible for diseminating it to the rest of the family.  No, they wouldn’t go for that.

The icing on the cake was when my MIL screamed at me over the phone for something where I was following doctor’s orders.  Apparently, the neurologist who spent years in school knows nothing, but my MIL with a HS education and a degree from secretarial school, is an expert on head injuries.

It took a few years, honestly, before she and I found the same even-keel we had before he was injured.  (He fully recovered by the way and is fine).  But yeah, when both our rolls were challenged, there were difficulties.

My MIL I think though respects me and knows that I genuinely love her son and am a good mother.  She never criticized my parenting skills (though we parent almost the same way)She has, in recent years, gone out of her way to make things easier for me in regards to holidays and the like because she knows how unreasonable my OWN mother is regarding those things.  I will be forever greatful to her for that. 

She has her OWN mother-in-law problems and does keep her nose out of our business because she doesn’t want the same relationship she has with her MIL to develop between herself and me.  I am currently the only DIL (and married to the Golden boy no less) but I don’t see her treating any potential DIL’s any differently.

But yes—what the study said is spot-on. Once a role both women regard as “theirs” is challenged, problems errupt.

And as long as my husband never gets severely injured again—we should be fine.

I Go To 11
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]

In my first marriage, I had the MIL from hell. She was the kind of woman that still hadn’t cut the apron strings, and felt that her darling baby boy could do no wrong (even though he was an adulterous alcoholic with serious control issues and complete inability to accept responsibility for anything he did wrong) and no woman would ever be good enough for him. She was vindictive, manipulative and just an all-around piece of work. I am so glad she’s no longer my MIL, because she made life so stressful!

However, my fiance’s mom and I get along famously. It is such a relief to have a (future) MIL that allows her kids to—say it ain’t so!—lead their own lives and not try to compete for their attention with their respective spouses. Yay for healthy relationships!

tabby
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 12:24 pm: [report]

I’ve read the book mention here, and I have to say that her explanations and cases were very plausible. So much so, that I was a little paranoid to visit my FMIL this past weekend. Although, most of the women in the book have problems with mother in laws that live within a couple hours drive of her son and his wife. Proximity seems to be the great catalyst in creating discord.

Pipi
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 12:26 pm: [report]

I think a lot of this stems from the fact that MILs often dont think anyone is good enough for their beloved sons. Fathers often think the same of their daughters but men seems to get along much more easy since they are less catty and a beer and a football game seem to erase all woes. Try to play nicey with a MIL and she thinks you are up to something.

Jenn27549
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 12:41 pm: [report]

I get along fine with my MIL.  I think she’s just so pleased that her son FINALLY found someone he wanted to marry, so she doesn’t have to worry about him as much that relief is all she feels now.  It may change later.  But she lives on the other side of the country, and we only see her 2-3 times a year, and we also haven’t been married but one year.  W

here I am having issues is with his sister, who lives in the same town as we do.  The dynamic the article describes is totally at play between us.  I’m an only child so I haven’t adapted to the having siblings thing yet.  She’s very sensitive and also very much a pleaser, but also totally flaky.  I’m blunt with a don’t-give-a-poop attitude, kind of my way or the highway, and very into routine.  His sister is an over-planner too, and I’m a control freak.  So I always feel like when his family comes to visit and always stays at her house, she always makes dinner, and we have to go over to her house every night to see the family that she’s denying me the opportunity to host his family in our home and prove that I’m a “good homemaker and wife.”  She usually finds out the person is coming and makes ALL the plans before even letting us know about any of it, so I’m left trying to squeeze something in that usually gets canceled b/c she scheduled 20 hours of activities into a 6 hour afternoon.  She’s even called 2 hours before a planned dinner at my house and said she wanted to take everyone out for dinner so I didn’t have to “go through all that trouble.”  Seriously???  And I have no control over it, so that usually makes me lose my temper in private about it.  My husband refuses to say anything to her, I refuse to say anything to her b/c I know she’ll be overly-offended and then I’ll lose my temper at her, so around and around we go. 

She’s used to being the only daughter, as am I, so we are both fighting for the “primary daughter” role, I guess.  The other DIL is just a lump of coal and never attends any family functions (she never “feels well” conveniently) so its just me and my husband’s sister duking it out.

AlisonNoelle
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]

How do I NOT get along with my MIL? Let me count the ways. Like how she covered for her son while he was having an affair, how she gossiped about it behind my back? How she treats my oldest son (from a previous relationship) like the proverbial red headed step child while her biological grandchildren are gods gift? Like how she doesn’t work but expects everything to be handed to her? Like how she constantly borrowing money, milk, laundry soap, etc. but never doing anything in return? Like how she tells everyone else that her son and I should split but to my face says she thinks we should make it work? I have the MIL from hell. Thank god my own parents are the best!

GreenAura
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 01:04 pm: [report]

I LOVE my mother in law.  The day she met me, I went to greet her outside as she pulled up.  She jumped out of the car, ran up to me, threw her arms around me and embraced me like a friend she hasn’t seen in years.  When I married her son, she said to me that she has now gained the daughter she always wanted. Her and I have been through a lot together, seeing many ups and many downs, and we are so close because of it. 

When she introduces my hubby and I, she says “this is my son and my daughter.”  We have to explain to people that no, we are not brother and sister!   I love her as if she were the woman that gave birth to me.  We also share the same name… wonder if that has to do with our closeness??

FloraPoste
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 01:05 pm: [report]

My mother-in-law has “borrowed” over five figures this year and has just left 4 messages saying she’s “in a bind” again.  I say “me” and not “us” because my husband is unemployed so it’s MY money I earned through my start up.  He has 4 other siblings but we’re the ones she comes to for $ because we’re the ones with the discretionary income, having no kids.  She claims the money is for things like taxes but then we always find out later it goes to trips she wants to take, or gifts for the grandkids.  I want to cut her off but…she’s his mother.  But what are we?  The bank?

vanya
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]

My MIL passed away during our engagement, before our wedding.  She liked me and I liked her.  That said, she was always open about me being The Other Woman, as she viewed herself as her son’s first love, and her unhappiness with being displaced as the #1 woman in his life.

She cried again & again about how I was robbing her of her baby (who hadn’t lived at home for 12 years) and finally my older brother had to point out to her that, at dh’s age, she should be glad he’s getting married to a woman b/c he was getting to that age where if you’re still single, people just assume you’re quietly gay.  That stopped the waterworks.

I also realize that since she was already nearing the end of her life by a terrible sickness when I met her, that it probably affected a lot of what she said and felt.

FWIW, I’ve also seen a LOT of husbands make the MIL/DIL relationship worse with their own actions (not standing up for their wife when she is unfairly criticized by his mother, telling his wife that his mother does XYZ better than her, or telling his mother that a parenting decision was his wife’s idea, and not a joint agreement, etc.)Some guys love the women fighting over them…

Rose
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 01:54 pm: [report]

@pipi, I think you’re totally right about some MIL’s believing no one can be good enough for their little boy.  I certainly never wanted to arm-wrestle my MIL for either alpha female staus, or for her son’s love - silly me, I thought we had different roles in his life!  She objected to his marrying me, blamed every decision we made that she didn’t like on me, all the usual crap, until I outlasted her ability to be judgemental, approximately 12 years into my marriage.  What made it tolerable is that my husband never, NEVER fed the fire.  He listened to the two of us complain about each other, never taking sides, only reminding his mother that his affiliation was with his wife now, and that to question his choice of me was to say that she’d raised him to have bad judgement.  Lately MIL has had health and personal problems and has leaned on us; I can honestly say I’m glad to bethere for.  And I think the excess of her gratitude shows she realizes she doesn’t “deserve” my love for her.

Sofjna
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]

My mom got lucky with both of her in-laws.  My parents divorced when I was three, and my mother and grandmother used to joke that my mom got custody of me and them.  They would take trips just to visit and spend time with each other they got along so well.  Plus, my grandmother couldn’t stand the woman my dad remarried and wouldn’t refer to her as a daughter-in-law.
Both mothers of my last two serious boyfriends were amazing and made me feel really welcome, even after we had broken up.  What a shame their sons weren’t as great.

retro chic
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 01:56 pm: [report]

Nowhere in nature are there ILs, hence IL problems. Only us unnatural humans. So, I say to interfering MILs/FILs: Back the f**k up. Let each family circle have its own sovereignty. That said…

I mainly fault the problem with a dysfunction of the MILs “showing unreasonably jealous love towards their sons.” Their position in their own home and marriage is off, and become fixated on their sons in a way that most fathers aren’t with their daughters. Their poor example perpetuates their own daughters and sons future behavior. It doesn’t help, as @vanya said, when the husbands pit one against the other, or gutlessly refuse to stand up for their wives.

Also, I know plenty of husbands not fond of their FILs, but they just pretend to get along, then scowl and insult behind their backs. They’re just not as invested as with the female hierarchy. So, watch the stereotypes. I’ve always gotten along with MIL/SO’s mothers ‘cause of the pecking order in general, esp at family functions. So, in my house, I am accorded the same respect, even considered like their own daughter by two of them (from past SOs). A new future MIL will probably take on more importance since my own mother is now gone, and want to do what is possible for egos to unite, not divide.

tattooed_redhead
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 06:53 pm: [report]

My ex-MIL was the queen b*tch from hell. I seriously considered killing myself the 1st year of my marriage because she was so awful to me and my ex didn’t see it. He finally came around. My running gag is that I didn’t divorce my ex, I divorced his mother. One of the things on my list for my next serious relationship is a dead mother.
The worst part? I didn’t know what I was getting into. She was great right up until the rehearsal dinner! Then she flipped. I really think she couldn’t handle another woman being more important to her favourite little boy.

mountain_laurel1183
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 07:53 pm: [report]

I LOVE my mother in law now. She is terrific! She has never once tried to butt in, and she treats my daughter like she’s her biological grandmother. My ex mother in law, however, was horrible. I had no idea someone could make you so miserable around the globe (they were in the military). I told my ex husband once that one of the best things about not being married to him anymore is not having to put up with his horrible mother.

booklover
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 04:48 am: [report]

I am lucky enough to have a wonderful mother in law.  We spend time together every week, just the two of us.  My husband and I have been married for 10 months now, and I haven’t seen any judging on her part about my homemaking skills, cooking, etc.  She even taught me how to cook a turkey last Thanksgiving.  So, I am one of the fortunate few to have a wonderful mother in law that I truly enjoy spending time with.  And I am so thankful!

jackofhearts
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 05:25 am: [report]

My future MIL is a really lovely woman who has devoted her life to raising her sons and caring for her husband, as well as having a job. She is always very pleasant and caring to me and although I only see her about once or twice a year (we live in different parts of the country)I do feel that we have a good relationship.

I do however worry that when are MIL/DIL relationship becomes official, when I marry her son, it won’t be such smooth sailing.

For a start, she absolutely adores her son (my bf). I know all mothers adore their sons, but she is slightly obsessive about him. She happily, and with no trace of irony, compares the way she feels about him to the way Mary felt about Jesus (!) and turns to him for advice and support far more than her husband. She and my bf are incredibly close, he willingly admits he loves her more than anyone else in his family and he is quite clearly favoured over her other, older, son. When we go out to dinner together the dynamic is almost one of a date - between mother and son! They talk exclusively to one another and unwittingly exclude me and my bf’s father. I have learnt to deal with this, though. I find the dynamic very peculiar but know that all families are different so don’t judge it.

That said, I do worry that this closeness will make our relationship more strained in the future. She’s an incurable gossip, so I’m sure I will be talked about a lot amongst her circle, especially as the bf and I come from very different backgrounds from one another.

I hear the often critical way that she talks about her other DIL, who I know she is very fond of (despite the gossip!), so am under no illusion that I will get off lightly!

Kia
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 09:59 am: [report]

When I first met my husband I would tease him because he would never have to deal with a MIL or FIL.  Marrying someone without family is much easier than trying to fit into a family.  I like my MIL but she still wants to control what my husband does.  As he and his brother put it, “she treats us as though we are 9 yrs old with brain damage.”  There were some issues when my husband, then fiance, was having some troubles.  He was in a car accident and I didn’t find out until he was already at the hospital that anything had happened.  He swears he didn’t call them first, somehow they just showed up, but neither did he nor his parents call me to let me know.  Sometimes I think I’m left out of the loop so she can swoop in and make everything okay.  Also sometimes she will say things that are very passive-aggressive but never in front of anyone else so it’s my word against hers.  It’s frustrating but I do try to have a good relationship with her because she is not going anywhere anytime soon.  I do think it has something to do with proximity.  His parents live about 15 minutes from us and expect us to be there to visit at least once a week and if we don’t, my hubby gets the phone call of why don’t we want to hang out with them and is everything okay.  Of course its my fault that he doesn’t go there every week when in fact he doesn’t want to go there.

5webs
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]

My mother-in-law is unbelievably awful. People are always making excuses for MILs, but I just don’t get the double standard. I would never, ever go to my MIL’s house and criticize something that she is doing or not doing. I would never do that in anyone’s home. It is just rude. However, she has no problem offering up her negative opinions on anything and everything that I do in my home. Listen MILs !!! If your daughter-in-law doesn’t ask for your opinion specifically, keep your big trap shut !!!

miriamele
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]

I am so thankful for the bizarre situation I am in as far as my BF and I go. Both he and I are astranged from our biological mothers, so we have no worries about his mother coming out of the woodwork to cause problems. His step-mother is not bad, though annoying. We live far from his father so there’s little worry of having deal with her on a regular basis, fortunately. Except for the fact that she often encourages me to force my BF to call his father more. I’m sorry. Not my job.

My BF and my father get a long quite well. I’ve never heard of my dad saying anything rude or negative about him and in fact, always gets excited to see him. We live about 3 hours away from my parents and my BF often can’t come with me when I go to visit so they don’t get to see him that much. Part of it is because my BF doesn’t feel entirely comfortable around my ridiculous loud and dramatic family.

In fact, he is intimidated by my step-mother, who loves him to pieces. lol It’s hilarious - she just loves him and he’s like “Umm… she’s kind of a crazy bitch who scares me.” Which she absolutely is. In fact, I’m more worried about her butting into my life if I ever decide to have children. She’s pretty pushy but at least I know she’d never really say anything to my BF. Instead she’d complain to me about it.

I like it better that way, I think.

Now just gotta get that jerk to finish grad school so we can tie the knot. *rolls eyes*

joyy
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]

My bf is also kind of estranged from both his parents, as I am from my dad.  The key, I think, is to live far, far away from them!  The closest parental unit for either of us is 6 hours away, the next is 20 hours away, and my parents live 2k+ miles away.  Plus, compared to my bf’s ex, I’m a shining star from heaven, so when we DO visit with them, they’re a) so excited because they never see him and b) super nice to me because apparently I’m a HUGE improvement over his ex (his old friends have told me this as well).

Gingee
wrote on August 6 2009 @ 06:43 pm: [report]

Nonsense on stilts.  If mother-in-law wants to fight for her persumed position as Primary Female, my husband would tell her to take a hike, that I am number one, and she does not have to like it, she just has to accept it.

Same for my mother. Were she to try to interfere in this partnerhip, she would be put on restiction and told that in this home, Husband is a he, with a capital H, he is king, deal with it or move on.

*smiling*

Pete Smith did teach us how to be assertive and to say NO without feeling guilty.

becknee
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 10:35 pm: [report]

@jackofhearts - I had to check back as I was reading your comment to make sure I didn’t write it! I feel the same apprehensions about my future relationship with my bf’s mom.

She’s a strong, kind woman who I look up to and respect, and she’s regarded me as the daughter she never had since the early days of my dating her son, and now introduces me as “my future daughter-in-law” or even “my daughter.”

I think, though, that she sort of raised my bf to be her ideal man, and while they’re not so close as to exclude me when I’m around, I’m still aware that the guy I consider to be my perfect man was HER perfect man first.

The real worry for me, though, is that her method of dealing with conflict is very different than mine and doesn’t seem entirely healthy. When someone does something that irks me, I either pretend it didn’t happen or have it out in private with that person as soon as possible. When something irks her, she tends to bring it up both immediately and repeatedly in front of whoever happens to be around. She’s particular about how things are done and can be pretty adversarial when that control leaves her hands.

I’ve never had any of this directed at me, and I know she’s had MIL issues of her own and would never knowingly create those same problems for me, but it does make me nervous knowing that we deal with problems so differently. Even though my bf is able to distance himself from both of us enough to be fair to us both, I worry about the day when we’ll eventually butt heads.

spanishbutterfly
wrote on August 10 2009 @ 12:11 pm: [report]

i live right next door to my In-laws, Im happy to say that i Love my ex-mother in law ( me n her son are no longer together). Since the first day i meet Ivette 10yrs ago she has always been the sweetest person ive ever meet. Ive told myself that i wish to be a great MIL like her one day. She never interefed with our relationship, even when i would pour my heart out to her. she never gossiped about anything ive told her in private, and she isnt one of those Mothers that think “my son is never wrong”. many times she had to put my Ex in place, i would just sit back and smile. Even thou me n her son are not together I still consider her my MIL she is the Best. Now my FIL .. thats another story. Me n him have passed words many times, most of the times it eneded with me statin ” I didnt sleep with u and had kids” He has this thing with my kids he is too overproctective with them, an thinks im raisin them wrong. at times its very annoyin I know he loves them an only wants the best for them so he gets away with alot ..