Are Separate Beds The Kiss Of Death In A Relationship?
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
11:00AM, Monday April 27th 2009
Here in the states, couples rarely admit to sleeping in separate beds, but across the pond not only do one in five couples avoid sharing a bed, they claim it improves their sex lives, too. An article in the Daily Mail tells the story of engaged couple Laura Mason and Colin Byers, both of whom are 28 and have slept in separate beds four of the last five years they’ve lived together. Citing sleep incompatibility as the reason for their separate beds — his snoring and warm body temperature keep her awake at night — they say their relationship and sex life improved when they stopped sleeping together: “We are just as close as ever. In fact, as soon as we made the decision, our sex life improved. We’d had a great sex life in our first year together, but having no sleep was making us too tired and irritable to crave that intimacy.”
They realize their arrangement is unique and may cause others to raise their eyebrows. “It seems to be the antithesis of romance,” Laura admits, “and other people’s attitudes make us occasionally question our judgment—if we love each other, surely we should be able to sleep in each other’s arms.” But they insist that they’re every bit as romantic and affectionate as couples who share a bed. They hold hands, cuddle on the couch, and start the night in the same bed before they separate for a good night’s sleep. Before they made the decision to sleep separately, they say they were always tired, and snappy with each other as a result. “I am looking forward to a long, happy marriage to Laura,” Colin says. “We’ve just had to accept that we are not sleep compatible and make a rational decision about it. I really don’t care what other people think—this works for us.”
This seems fine and good for Laura and Colin, and they seem sincere in their need for adequate sleep, but when are separate beds the sign of a relationship that’s in trouble? I lived with an ex-boyfriend for about three years, and we always maintained separate bedrooms. While friends and family certainly thought we were strange, I congratulated us for being progressive enough to buck tradition and live in a way that worked for us. Not only did we have vastly different ideas of what a comfortable bed was, we enjoyed having our own space to decorate as we pleased and be alone when we needed solace. But as the relationship started deteriorating and we continued to grow apart, not only physically but emotionally, I had to admit that maintaining separate beds maybe wasn’t the best thing for us. Sure, we each got great sleep, but in our waking lives we weren’t really doing anything to make up for the time we spent apart at night. Soon, we were really nothing more than roommates and decided to break up.
These days, I couldn’t imagine sleeping in a different bed than my fiance. We aren’t perfectly compatible as sleep partners — he prefers a warmer room for sleeping while I like it cool — but we compromise and enjoy the benefits of sharing the same bed. I often get insomnia and when I wake in the middle of the night I’m always comforted seeing him sleeping right next to me. I love weekend mornings when neither of us has to rush off anywhere and we can enjoy the quiet of the day together before things get hectic. I like talking about our days, making plans, and telling stories to each other as we lie in bed and drift to sleep. I guess what I’m saying is that giving up a shared bed means sacrificing intimacy in a relationship, and if it’s a path you’re going to take, you need to find ways of making up for it when you’re awake. If you can’t be bothered, you need to ask yourself if the relationship is one you really want to be in. [via Daily Mail U.K.]
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Jessica Wakeman
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 11:18 am: [report]
Marry someone who snores and then you’ll think differently about sleeping in separate beds!
writergirl
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 11:22 am: [report]
I’m seriously considering separate beds. At least two to three nights a week I am woken by my husband’s snoring. I figure separate beds is a better alternative than murder.
metricula
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 11:57 am: [report]
It just depends on the couple. For some it’s probably awesome (and a lifesaver)! You can stay up reading as long as you want without the light being right in your partner’s eyes.
My partner and I are both HEAVY sleepers so we practically sleep on top of each other so it’s a non-issue for me.
friskyman68
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]
I can’t help but to wonder how many relationships failed because they failed to sleep in separate rooms. Tired and cranky from a lack of sleep, night after night….that’s when fighting about any little thing blows up into big huge big things.
develange
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]
I don’t live with my BF, but when we do sleepovers, his snoring and insomnia = #&@$% sleep for both of us. If we do ever live together, I’ll keep the separate beds in mind!
Bean's Girl
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 01:14 pm: [report]
Let’s see, fighting because we are both exhausted due to his snoring (which I thought was kind of cute when we were dating) keeping me up and I keep waking him up by nudging him to make the snoring stop for about 10 seconds while I drift bacck to sleep only to be woke up again by ((((((((AAAAGAGHAAGHGHHHGH PHHHhhhhheeeeeeeeewwwww)))))))
I don’t think it’s a bad idea. I’m with you writegirl, it IS a better alternative to murder lol.
We have been sleeping in seperate rooms for about a year now, and I’ve never slept better in my life. Of course I do miss not having him there next to me at night, that is hard.
bogart4017
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 01:32 pm: [report]
Look—my wife snores!!And its worse when she had a cold. If i’m sleepy enough it won’t stop my shut-eye. Why complain. I am a violent sleeper and always have been. My wife says and always fighting, running and swinging in my sleep. She sometimes says she has to hold me down. (and it must be true because i usually wake up. I hate being contained and thats what most of the nightmares are about>) However she never once in 22 yrs suggested separate anything. It must be love.
rsonnack
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 02:24 pm: [report]
I love the fact that people are starting to embrace this idea, and realize that it doesn’t necessarily mean that the relationship is failing. It’s all about what works best for the couple. As of right now my boyfriend and I share a bed because we’re in college and only have one bed in our tiny apartment lol, but this might have to happen later on down the road. I am a VERY light sleeper and he snores, so I have to do the same thing as Bean’s girl where he snores, I nudge him so he stops, I drift off, and he starts snoring again and wakes me up again.
40yrolddad
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 05:33 pm: [report]
we’re in the same room but our bed’s so big (I think it’s called a “California king”) we might as well be. she snores but rarely badly enough to keep me up - the bigger culprit was our old (late) cat who could clear-cut a mountain in a few hours… she also had a bad habit of wanting attention when we were, um, purring ourselves. don’t worry, we always put her out of our room in those cases - I’m extremely open-minded & tolerant but even I have limits…
powplz
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 05:39 pm: [report]
@40yrolddad - I think Cali kings are longer than kings, so as far as space per person it’s probably about the same width. but yes, king beds=win.
lilo
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 06:17 pm: [report]
we’re all about the king bed. you can go to sleep cuddling and then go your separate ways for the good REM stuff
tattooed_redhead
wrote on April 27 2009 @ 08:06 pm: [report]
I was recently diagnosed with severe sleep apnea and have to wear a cpap machine & sleep mask at night. Oh so sexy! I haven’t been at the sleepover stage with any guys since I got the machine, but if I were married I would have no trouble with separate beds, just so my poor husband wouldn’t have to put up with the noise of the machine & the vision of me with it!
Chebs
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 07:27 am: [report]
I’ve been longing for separate beds for me and my bf pretty much since I moved in with him. Our sleeping habits just don’t jive, and he has an unfortunately old bed that creaks when anyone rolls over. Several nights I’ve gone to bed around 10, he’ll come back at 2, and by 3 I’m in the living room sleeping in a recliner because his snoring could wake the dead. I’m very much looking forward to one day having separate beds.
jerseygrl
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 07:32 am: [report]
@ tattooed_redhead
My husband sleep with a CPAP machine, and it’s the best thing that every happened to our bed. The little hiss of air is nothing compared to his snoring…...or the dangers of sleep apnea! I know it might seem bulky and un-sexy to you, but you’re taking care of your health! Any guy who considers that a deal breaker isn’t worth your time!
LaGiulia
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]
After five years together, I can no longer hear my boyfriend snoring. I sleep through it, plain and simple. But whenever he’s out of town, waking up in an empty bed is a very bad start to my day.
risatrix
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 10:30 am: [report]
My parents had separate bedrooms, and they’ve been married 40 years. I grew up thinking this was normal, and was in for a rude shock.
I’m a light sleeper. Always have been, and I just end up resenting the guy who’s keeping me up. So most of my long term guys haven’t had a problem with sleeping apart.
And, just an interesting fact, the great Mae West couldn’t stand to share her bed with anyone. So despite her many affairs, she would always kick the guy out before the night was over. What better role model could we ask for?
Lynn
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 11:52 am: [report]
Hey if it works, go for it! As far as needing your own space…I can see that, but that’s when I would have separate “studies.” My parents had that when I was growing up. My mom had a room where she did her crafty hobbies and my dad had an office where he would work, read, whatever. As kids we weren’t allowed in those rooms without permission, and I know they respected each other’s need for space as well. I don’t think I could live with anyone without a space that was my own. But I wouldn’t make that space an actual separate bedroom unless there were other factors at play - incompatible sleepers, loud snoring, etc. In that case, I would consider it. I am a HEAVY sleeper (at one point I had *10* alarms going off every morning and I slept through every one of them) and he would still keep me up and it was awful. If I had to sleep with him every night, I would’ve gone insane.
Zandra6483
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]
It took a while for my man and I to get used to sleeping next to each other all night, and sometimes we still have issues (for example, he doesn’t grasp the concept of a top sheet) but now I feel lonely and unguarded when he’s absent from my bed. However, we have to sleep back to back, generally. We tried sleeping in each others arms for a long time and realized that was just too hot and uncomfortable for sleeping. Nice for cuddling, not for Zzzz’s.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
@Zandra6483: Woah a girl who uses the TARDIS as her avatar. *Swoon*
writergirl
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 01:01 pm: [report]
My husband finally agreed to go for a sleep study! YAY! I can honestly say, I don’t care about the machine. It has to, HAS to, be much better than the sound he makes when he snores.
Last month his entire company went to a show out west. They rented a house. The ENTIRE COMPANY told him his snoring was horrendous. BUT! They also pointed out that his snoring wasn’t as bad as his brother’s.
Apparently…it’s a family thing. I feel really sorry for my future SIL, whom ever she may be. Maybe if/when BIL decides to marry, I’ll give her ear plugs as a wedding gift.
cattgirl813
wrote on April 28 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]
I sleep like someone possessed - have since I was a baby. I snore, drool on the pillow (when I’m not shoving my hands under them), make wild turns and have a constant battle with the covers. My first ex-husband was tough and my wild sleeping didn’t bother him. Before we married, I suggested separate beds to my second ex-husband - a light sleeper who complained several times about not getting a good night’s sleep. I was trying to give him a restful night’s sleep, but he took it to mean that I didn’t want to sleep with him. It took a couple of days of long conversations (and bad sleep) to get that misunderstanding straightened out, but he still refused separate beds. I’m not sharing my bed with anyone (save for the cats who sleep at the foot of my bed), but I make sure to let my partner know that I am a rough, loud sleeper and offer separate beds as an option once the fun is done.
*tshirt*
wrote on November 24 2009 @ 10:31 pm: [report]
Separate beds, though not separate rooms have saved our near seven year marriage. He sleeps like hes beating a bear at hockey. Snores the whole nines yards. I’m sick and have been the five years or so. Out of kindness to me he moved out of the bed for me knowing the slightest jostle just really kills me, and well not getting a wink of sleep because of his snoring doesn’t help pain levels the next day. Everyone looks at us like we live on the moon when they see the arrangement in the bedroom, but screw them, we are willing to try everything, less than lose each other. When we took our vows we meant them, till death do us part, and I will, if i have to keep out smarting you death! HA!
meredith806
wrote on November 25 2009 @ 09:36 am: [report]
I definitely couldn’t, and even if I could, the boyfriend wouldn’t let me. He loves to cuddle, and freaks out if he wakes up and I’m not there. I don’t know if its still him just being half a sleep but he FREAKS out lol. And I would thoroughly miss waking up to a bear hug from him. Plus. He doesn’t snore, or flail…win-win;)
C.Munro
wrote on November 25 2009 @ 10:41 am: [report]
I think it would be cool. No worries about hogging the covers. Separate rooms would be even better. I don’t see anything wrong with wanting a little space of your own. It kinda bugs me that being “happily together” in our culture means different things to different people, yet if you don’t subscribe to the most popular view your relationship is apparently doomed.