After A Broken Engagement, Who Keeps The Ring?
Posted by: Amelia | Filed in: Relationships
3:00PM, Monday October 06th 2008
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Well dang, I never thought I would be so lucky as to personally weigh in on this debate! The Frisky presented both sides to this conundrum way back when, but The New York Times decided to voice their opinion in this weekend’s Wedding section (what a downer for all the rejoicing couples whose weddings were celebrated in the announcements!). Many disputes over the true “ownership” of an engagement ring have taken the couples to court, but Joana Grossman, a Harvard Law Professor who has written on the topic says, “People can spend an exorbitant amount of money on rings they cannot afford and then it is not uncommon for them to break up. But the rings are not usually worth enough to offset the cost of litigation.” I wonder if there’s a corrolation between how much a guy spends on a ring and the likelihood that the engagement will be broken—like a guy with a Porsche probably has a small penis, a guy who’s spends, say, $20,000 on a ring is more likely to dump you because he’s trying too hard to prove he’s ready for marriage. Or something.
Anyway, the article goes on to say that a lot of women will make the case that an engagement ring is really more on a non-conditional gift rather than a token of a conditional agreement or promise. Gift my ass—if it was just a gift, you would be equally as excited over a gravy boat.
An engagement ring is really a conditional REWARD. Whoever doesn’t violate the conditions should keep the gift as a PRIZE. “Congratulations! You managed to keep your end of the deal! Here is your reward!” If no one violates the conditions, the couple then spends eternity enjoying the prize of marriage and companionship and children and grandchildren and tax breaks.
Relationships are about give and take and when one person giveth and giveth and giveth, and the other person taketh and then spiteth and then s**teth, well then, the one that giveth ought to have earned SOMETHING besides a lifetime of heartache and therapy bills. It’s not about money or greed. It’s about fairness. And punishment. I mean, the heart and soul I put into my relationship is/was priceless. My ring is/was a token of the love, hopes, dreams, and plans that we both shared—and to find out that maybe those loves, hopes, dreams, and plans were really kind of one-sided, well I think the token of those loves, hopes, dreams, and plans belongs to yours truly. Yours truly may just decide to throw that token into the East River. [NY Times]
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abbylyn
[report]wrote on October 06 2008 @ 03:51 pm:
It seems fair to me that whoever did NOT end the relationship should get to keep the ring. Whether they would want that reminder is another story.
Jamey
[report]wrote on October 06 2008 @ 06:34 pm:
Who ever pays for the ring should keep the ring. That seems fair. I think the Times article also mentioned how they sold the ring on that website for used engagement rings, http://www.idonowidont.com. I had heard about this site but didnt know much about it until after reading the NYTimes article. If you are the one left with the ring, it seems like that would be the best place to sell it.
theothergyllenhaal
[report]wrote on October 06 2008 @ 06:42 pm:
I gotta ask: why, as a woman, would you want to keep a constant, expensive reminder of how a relationship failed? Is it to spite the guy because he spent a ton of money on it? Is there still some positive emotional value to having it on hand? From my perspective, I can only imagine it’s going to break your heart every time you look at it. Or worse, the ring ends up being meaningless to you, and just becomes a shiny bauble in the jewelry box that you can’t wear because you’ve either got a boyfriend, or you’re single and it makes other guys think you’ve got a boyfriend.
But tell me if I’m just being pigheaded.
Amelia
[report]wrote on October 06 2008 @ 08:01 pm:
@theothergyllenhaal Who said anything about having it on hand or keeping it in a drawer? By all means, if a woman doesn’t want to keep the ring, give it back. I’m not sure what I’m going to do with mine if I don’t end up wearing it again. But I’ll be sure to do something far more useful with it than giving it back to the guy who broke my heart.
Amelia
[report]wrote on October 06 2008 @ 08:04 pm:
@theothergyllenhaal And also, “failed” relationship? Does that make every relationship that doesn’t last until your death bed a “failed” one? I don’t consider my relationship a failed one, any more than you should look at your past relationships as “failed” either. Who failed? You learned something didn’t you? You loved didn’t you? Not to get all hippie dippie, but where’s the failure in that?
theothergyllenhaal
[report]wrote on October 06 2008 @ 11:09 pm:
@Amelia: “Failed” was admittedly a poor choice of words - “unrealized,” maybe? “Unfulfilled”?
I was just honestly wondering what women - you or any other - gets out of keeping the ring. Will anything about that ring make you happy again? Or does it come down to a sense of vindication? A year after the most difficult breakup in my life, I’m still finding reminders - pictures, trinkets, birthday cards. I’m only now starting to throw things away, so believe when I say that I know it’s not easy to just discard the trappings of love. But I can’t imagine you’ll ever throw away an engagement ring like I can a pillowcase with an ironed on picture (weird, I know). So then what happens to it?
lilo
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 05:10 am:
I think the one who falters loses the ring—whether it’s the girl or the guy. There is one exception to this rule to me, though: family heirlooms.
My brother was married for a short two years, and his wife not only kept my grandmother’s ring but also various pieces of family antiques and art. She was the leaver. He was too despondent to actually fight it, but it kind of sucked for those of us who cared about those pieces. End of the day, though, I guess stuff is stuff.
Amelia
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 05:48 am:
@lilo totally agree about the family heirlooms.
@theothergyllenhaal I think if you have been able to “get over” or “move on” from the relationship, there shouldn’t be a need to throw significant tokens of that relationship—pictures, gifts, etc. If you can’t handle a reminder of that relationship, you’re probs not over it.
But as for what you would do with a ring should you keep it? Well I suppose some people might just keep it in a drawer—but I think a lot of women sell it and put the money towards something meaningful for them, as a now single woman. The guy would do the same, I assume, should he get the ring back.
bakerlass
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 06:56 am:
I regret that I didn’t keep my ring when my (formerly long-distance) fiance decided to move back to Colorado without me - it was beautiful and exactly what I would have picked out for myself. However, it would have been awkward to ever wear the diamond again, even as a necklace, and I didn’t even allow my subsequent 2-yr boyfriend to see a picture of the ring.
@Amelia Thank you for writing about your story. The 2-yr boyfriend broke things off with me 2 months ago, and knowing that I’m not alone in going through this has been reassuring.
amanda lynn
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 07:57 am:
@amelia - that’s what i’d do if in that situation; keep the ring and either turn it into a necklace or sell it and do something for yourself with it (much more likely i’d do that). best of luck, sweetie.
Annika Harris
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 10:02 am:
Judge Judy says that the ring should go back to the person that paid for it because the contract has been broken. I usually disagree with her because if the ring is given on a birthday then it’s a gift, and the recipient should be able to do whatever she wants with it. But if the woman broke off things, then she should have to give it back. Same thing for the man. I think if I was in this situation, I would sell the ring and purchase something that made me equally happy.
HitOrMissJudy
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 10:28 am:
Amelia, keep it! If you put money down on a house and then randomly decided you weren’t going to buy it, you’d lose your deposit. If the owners of the home were the ones who backed out, they’d have to pay the dough back.
Same kind of thing. He broke the agreement, he loses the ring. If he were any kind of gentleman he wouldn’t dream of even HINTING that you should return it.
Amelia
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 10:35 am:
@HitOrMissJudy And he hasn’t! Your analogy is dead on. I was going to make this point last night, or perhaps in a new post today, but marriage is as much practicality as it is romance. At least the most successful ones are. Keeping the ring, when it stops representing the romance in your relationship, is a practical token. That I am going to keep, for future practical reasons!
amanda lynn
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 10:45 am:
good girl.
theothergyllenhaal
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 10:54 am:
@ Amelia: in regards to tossing reminders of my old relationship, it’s not so much that I can’t handle them as it is that I have a new girlfriend, and I’m moving forward. Not everything’s being thrown in the trash — hell, I still have three years worth of digital pictures of me and the ex on my computer — but I’m also not going to keep a shoebox of old Valentine’s day cards under my bed. I can remember the good times in my head. I don’t need the physical evidence.
@HitOrMissJudy: Re: “If you put money down on a house and then randomly decided you weren’t going to buy it, you’d lose your deposit.”
Kinda sounds like a dowry all of a sudden, doesn’t it? I guess that’s my issue with the whole girl-keeping-ring thing: It just seems like payment for a deal gone wrong. I’m not saying you don’t deserve that for the pain (and Amelia, I’m glad he’s not being a dick about it), I guess I just get squeamish when relationships and money collide head-on.
Amelia
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 11:09 am:
Yeah but that’s the thing—engagement rings are totally antiquated and old-fashioned to begin with. They ARE a symbol that you are now taken and the property of ONE MAN. And relationships and money ALWAYS collide—when a divorce occurs, you gave to deal with the distribution of assets too.
Reena
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 11:30 am:
Amelia, I agree… money & relationships always collide, and I think the most fair thing to do is for the person that relinquished the engagement to relinquish the ring. Though, I agree, this shouldn’t be the case with family heirlooms. And I guess if both people are REALLY attached to the ring, then the only thing you can do is sell it and divide the money.
Elle
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 04:05 pm:
Keep the ring. I am a firm believer that if the man ends the relationship then he is breaking his promise and forfeits the ring. If you broke it off then I would say its only fair to give it back, the same thing goes for a family heirloom. I completely agree with you. Even if you don’t wear it, it’s YOUR decision on what happens to it, whether that means giving it back, selling it, keeping it, whatever. In fact, if I were you I’d probably sell it and put the money in a CD for a future down payment.
gillybeans
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 04:18 pm:
Keep the ring. You had a certain lifestyle together and just because someone changes their mind doesn’t mean you should have to downgrade from the nice home you built to roommates in Queens. But seriously, sell it and put that money into a retirement fund, a down payment, a vacation to Europe where you can bone a hot Brit with a bigger willy…
Lindsay Goldenberg
[report]wrote on October 07 2008 @ 06:06 pm:
I say keep it, and then take all your girlfriends out to some super schmancy meal with champagne and cake. That way instead of buying clothes/furniture, etc, you won’t be reminded of it every time you wear/look at what you bought.
It’s like how people in other cultures eat the ashes of the dead. It’s symbolic.
Kerry
[report]wrote on October 09 2008 @ 02:26 pm:
@Amelia: Re: But as for what you would do with a ring should you keep it?
my girlfriend turned hers into a beautiful pendent for a necklace. I think it was healing for her to repurpose it. She can look at it with new admiration.