Nine Signs He’s A Cheater

Kiki T
wrote on February 1 2009 @ 09:24 am: [report]

Next article: nine signs you’re dating a gay guy

Ginger
wrote on February 1 2009 @ 11:25 am: [report]

I agree for the most part about the feminine stuff in the bathroom, but I once had a guy friend (who I started spending more time with after he and his girlfriend broke up) who had stuff she had left behind in there for months afterward. Not a ton, just a cosmo and some shampoo.
Still, sometimes guys do keep some things around.

Oliveira
wrote on February 1 2009 @ 11:34 am: [report]

Haha, the gay version would be more difficult. I mean, this pile of Glamours? Mine. This pile of Muscle & Fitness? Also mine. This hot pink toothbrush? M[ok that’s too much information - Ed.]

Simcha
wrote on February 1 2009 @ 07:57 pm: [report]

@Oliveira- HA!  It does get harder if the guy is gay or even bi….good point. Damn, it’s hard to catch an #&@$%, period.

Arty
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 10:09 am: [report]

Fancy soaps and girly stuff could also be gifts from his mom. My ex’s mom would send him stuff like that sometimes.

CuteCora
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 10:53 am: [report]

There is no better sign to watch out for than..can you guess…..ohhhh almost…. sooo close..your almost there…yup you got it…YOUR OWN INSTINCT~~ Never can fail~

Humble Bee
wrote on February 2 2009 @ 02:22 pm: [report]

My bf’s brother collects Glamour, Cosmo, Instyle, and all other women magazines. At first I thought he was clever to try to get into women’s minds, then the pile started stacking up to the size of a library… is that gay? he only wears ddesigner clothes, and I have never seen him with a girlfriend. He has friends that are girls, but they are always accompanied by another guy…. Is he gay???? hmmmm. Oliveira said he collects Glamour…

Powder Room Girl
wrote on February 3 2009 @ 09:18 pm: [report]

Very nice list!!! I recently was talking to a guy who was very private w/his Facebook account. I never sent an email invitation but he never bothered to ask so I figured that was odd specially now when you even accept friend requests from every mother out there.

crmsnkatt
wrote on February 5 2009 @ 12:43 pm: [report]

When I first started dating my boyfriend, he refused to let me see his place. We didn’t actually go over there until a month into our relationship & it was only because Hurricane Ike hit and knocked my power out for 2 weeks. When I walked into the place, I immediately understood why he didn’t want me there: IT WAS A MESS! He cleaned it up and it hasn’t gotten gross again since, but still…

Now that it’s cleaned up, I practically live there. My daughter’s toys are EVERYWHERE (he doesn’t have any kids of his own), we’ve got clothes in drawers & in the closets, her portacrib is set up next to his bed, not only do I have a toothbrush there, but I’ve also got a hair straightener, my girly-scented shampoo/conditioner/bodywash, deodorant, etc.

His mom & sister are on my speed dial, as are his best chick friends (and some of his guy friends, too).

If he ever tries to cheat, he’s toast. LOL Luckily, I trust him with my life.

MorganBard
wrote on February 7 2009 @ 05:14 pm: [report]

Believe it or not, after getting caught short by a girlfried who was spending the weekend and got her period unexpectedly (she was irregular enough we had a pregnancy scare or two), I started keeping some at my place.  Even after we broke up, I kept ‘em.  Frankly, some girls that came home with me appreciated the thoughtfulness, but yeah, there were some that insisted I had to be cheating on someone.  The appreciative ones stayed (and I eventually moved in with one) and the suspicious ones left.  Frankly, it turned out to be a decent filter for overly suspicious women, IMO.

Morgan

searchingwithin
wrote on March 24 2009 @ 08:10 am: [report]

@Morgan,

I really don’t believe that it is being OVERLY suspicious for a woman to believe there is another woman when she finds tampons in a man’s home.

But glad to hear you found someone that didn’t care.

Best wishes

RockinR
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 01:09 pm: [report]

ok, if you have a tampon on your kitchen table - why?  That is disgusting! They do not belong there at any time.

Steelcitygirl86
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 01:26 pm: [report]

Aren’t these “signs” all common sense?

How about more hard-to-notice signs? Men who are good at cheating wouldn’t leave these obvious signs floating around…

Queen Frostine
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]

Things my husband owns:

Pink toothbrush. Loofah. Lavender shower gel. A manicure kit. Bath fizzies. Romantic comedy movies. Every single Tori Amos CD. Hair ties. 14 types of hair products. Scented candles. Tea pot and 40 varieties of tea.

So #7 can take a hike.

Gerard.RvE
wrote on June 17 2009 @ 04:18 pm: [report]

I’m a guy and I keep tampons in the house for when I have a nosebleed. Nothing works better, except special nosebleed tampons but that might be just a little bit less masculine, if possible.
I also have foundation for when I’ve done a rough night of partying but need to look formal.
And I rarely accept people for facebook.
And I honestly like going to new places.

Boy, I could be cheating, I need to look into this!

DonJohn
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 04:35 am: [report]

I feel this whole article is a bit biased to the female perspective. I happen to have had two wives cheat on me, and women are even better at covering thier tracks better than men, trust me.  I have been propositioned by my neighbor’s wives several times as well as often running into married women on the prowl in bars.  It is reall embarrassing to run into the woman you were in the motel with last weekend and then run into her, her husband and three children at a community festival the following weekend.  I feel the reason this subject is so pointed at men is because the worst offenders are women and thus they are more suspicious than men because they feel everyone is doing like they are.  I do not know how many of my friends wives I have found out at the bars prowling around while I was single and after seeing how truly untrustworthy women are have decided I may be better off single than ever saying I Do to some woman who is going to be about as faithful as any corner 25 dollar hooker.

the-logical-one
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 07:30 am: [report]

I find some websites to be “female centric”.

Why don’t websites expose the plight of a man with a “non-caring” woman??

I, as a male, worked from 5 AM to 8 PM (15 hours/day). After the long day, I would feed my child, I would do laundry, & would (2-3 times/week) perpare the only meal (dinner) I would have at home. My hours of work ensured that I would have to eat breakfast and lunch away from home.

My wife, who only held a job for 2 DAYS MAX,  WOULD NOT clean (many dishes with food were just placed [and left] on the floor - dishes/utensils were ONLY washed (by my wife) when none were available [I ended up washing dishes/utensils many times]  -  and my baby was NOT fed while I was at work).

My daughter WAS ONLY fed when I fed her after I came home.

I realize that MOST single parents are female, but I am tired/offended by a “women centric” site, that portrayes males as lazy, abusive, deadbeat, etc. My wife caused my daughter to be put in foster care. After my wife left, I was able to obtain sole custody of my daughter, with my wife NOT even having visitation rights.

Your website NEEDS to show that some males care more about their children and perform MORE household tasks than some women (even after 15 hours of work, I did MORE than my wife).

My wife ABANDONED my daughter and me (with a person she met in a “chat room”). My wife was also NOT manogamous (even though I WAS).

Your “women centric” site NEEDs to show that some males are responsible and manogamous. Your “women centric” site also NEEDs to show that some females are EXTREMELY selfish and DO NOT care about their children.

Your site NEEDs to be MORE accepting of “Single Dads” and your site NEEDs to acknowledge “Deadbeat Moms”. Ever since I received FULL custody, I have NEVER received a penny from the “Deadbeat Mom” (even though I am a DISABLED VETERAN). I may have been able to provide MORE for my daughter than if the “Deadbeat Mom” had provided/taken responsibility for her daughter (without additional funds from the “Deadbeat Mom”, I was “limited” in what I could provide for my daughter).

I understand that MANY males WILL “deposit a seed” & then disappear.

Your “female centric” website is HIGHLY OFFENSIVE to responsible “non-female” parents!! I “jumped through MANY legal hoops” in order to get FULL custody of my daughter.

Your “site” NEEDS to become a “parenting site” INSTEAD of a “MALE BASHING SITE”.

As a single dad, I utilize websites in order to deal w/ my daughter’s concerns (as a single dad, I AM NOT the most qualified to deal w/ periods & shaving & sexual matters) - I HAVE BEEN extremely honest in answering by dauthter’s questions (I have dealt w/ my daughters ??).  I have dealt w/ ??‘s about contraception, Gay Marriage, Gay Sex, Birth control pills & DRUGS),  By stating that, Due to my “concern” for my daughter, I ask ANY adult females that I encounter (for tips on period control and/or shaving and/or sex protection - (Luckily, a female at a business I patronize has been VERY helpful).

Your website NEEDS to accept that there are RESPONSIBLE SINGLE DADS & also expose that there are also “DEADBEAT MOMS”.

Pls become a Parenting Site, instead of being a “female centric” or a “MALE BASHING SITE”. If your website needs a male viewpoint, I am willing to provide a MALE’s SIDE of ANY issue (my male opinions may be beneficial for your website - my comments MUST BE displayed concurrently w/ the “female men bers”. I expect the same display as females.

When I am directed to your site, I EXPECT RESPECT instead of a “MALE BASHING SITE” & “women centric” site that bashes males!!!!

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 25 2009 @ 07:41 am: [report]

@the-logical-one: Hey, you married her. Some fault lies with you buddy. Suck it up, and stop re-iterating your point because it makes you come off crazy.

DonJohn
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 07:46 am: [report]

@ CheeeeEEEEse I understand you have this macho idea you need to uphold or figure it is ok for women to complain but not men but I have to take issue with you and agree with the-logical-one.  I was also in a relationship of this sort, no I did not marry this type of woman, the woman I ‘married’ was caring, took care of her children and was a much different person than the one I woke up to later, she I suppose had her ‘shopping’ persona in full swing. I have come to realize many women have this ‘shopping’ mode as I feel many men do as well, but just because you marry one of these psychos does not excuse it if it is a woman being complained about by a man, it is just as relevent but yet you see feminine centric sites trying to portray this as merely a male problem. I was judged by the therapist who was a PhD Pychologist to be better suited than my ex wife to care for and have full custody as well. Women as much as they hate to hear it are no better than men so if men should just suck it up the same message goes for women.  So how many women out there feel if they married this guy then they should just suck it up and accept it as thier fault because after all they ‘married’ him?

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 08:03 am: [report]

@DonJohn: Well good for you, you got your kids, but is it not overkill to go see a psychologist? Also wtf is a “shopping persona”, you mean slutty, correct? In essence I do agree with your sentiment, that everyone is accountable for their actions and that both sexes can have issues when regarding relationships.

In all actuality the-logical-one posted the same drivel (Copy and Pasted) in several comment threads and hasn’t been heard from since, thats why I called him crazy, that and the fact he randomly capitalized words didn’t really help his argument.

jojo32
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 08:36 am: [report]

Good call CheeeeEEEEse…

Many women DO “suck it up and deal with it”.  So do many men. 

I dont get how all of a sudden “The Frisky” is some kind of male-bashing site.  LOL That is not the case at all- and there are plenty of articles on this site that call women out on their bad behavior.

Hi Hater!! 

retro chic
wrote on June 29 2009 @ 09:34 am: [report]

To the mad men here: Check out Frisky’s “About Us” link. I find these links helpful when I want to know more about a site’s theme and niche. THEIR site, THEIR niche.

http://www.thefrisky.com/site/post/about
¶ 3, line 1:

“The Frisky is a site is for women everywhere, and we can’t wait to hear your totally ferocious and fiery opinions.” 

Are you one of those that thinks they can “change people” ‘cause they don’t agree with how you think it *should* be for you? Don’t bother. This is a TruTV/Time Warner/CNN/et al,-backed site. There are plenty of sites that would meet your approval if you vet them on the “About Us” section. Otherwise, “bash” back (in a good way, that is meant on this site). Other guys do.

Anyway, to the article: Simcha. Had the same unwitting scenario replete with the same “tampon” incident many years ago. Also a few half-hidden pictures. I decided it was the last time I’d be duped by this DB, so, I went to the under-the-sink-bathroom cupboard and voila, the box. There was only two tampons in it, so, I put one of my own diff brand there. Since he was never going into a tampon box, he would never know. But his girlfriend sure did. They parted, too, an apparent theme with him. I felt another woman should know when their SO is cheating—I would.

LoveLSU2007
wrote on July 12 2009 @ 10:49 am: [report]

I dated a man who was a leader in his community (actually throughout the state) and a leader in his church. He had to come to my town on business a lot.  3 months at a time every year.  He introduced himself to me at a sports bar while I was with my daughter…he was with his delegation. He introduced me to them, too. For 18 months I was seen all over town with this man & even had gotten involved in his profession as that was my major in my pursuit of an additional college degree after my daughter graduated.  We went to my church together, the mall, cookouts at his fellow politicians homes, went to summits together, he acted as a surrogate father to my daughter, and then asked me to participate in his campaign and the events.  We went to a-list parties, etc.  Know what?  He had a girlfriend back home of 10 years.  He called her his “roommate” and “good friend”.  She is now his wife!  He was with me two days before the marriage.  Texted me the night before the marriage and was back having dinner with me at a restaurant the two days later.  I only found out he was married when he showed up one day with a wedding ring on.  He says they don’t have sex due to her medical condition. Even now he doesn’t acknowlege being married on his website or in his career.  No press release as would normally be expected.  Facebook status?  single.  AND she knows all about me.  He brought her up one weekend for a rivalry football game.  She stayed behind with her friends by the fireplace…HE brought me to the game and then for drinks. With HER IN TOWN knowing he was with me!  She told him as long as he was discreet and didn’t embarass her she didn’t care what he did.  WHAT IS UP WITH THEM????
I’m now dating someone else.  But, gee, I asked if he was married when I met him. He said no. And then when I found out about her, he just said I didn’t ask the right question.  WOW! He knew what I meant.  No one up here even knows what she looks like or anything.  And he has flaunted me to her. I bought him a sweater for Christmas. She noticed and asked who gave it to him. He said me.  I thought all of that was just too weird and I don’t want someone else’s man.  They are BOTH weird.So, I am super, super cautious now about men.  I am lucky I escaped with my reputation.  And to top it off?? He says I am the “love of his life” .....right.

_jsw_
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 06:44 pm: [report]

@Phil In Reno: I know we have our differences about the likelihood of women trying to trick you into impregnating them, but that’s a pretty well-thought-out list. However, I do see some weaknesses. My main issue with it is that it assumes a fairly significant ability to hide substantial cash flow (cash might not be traceable, but you need to magically get the cash without being caught). For most, this would be difficult, no matter what one’s income happens to be (unless the cash is never in a bank account, at least the withdrawals would be traceable). The second issue I have is one of time - how would one explain the time they were away (these imply significant time out-of-house, since all communication is out-of-house as well)? The third issue is one of traceability of your known cell phone - it’s not hard to locate it, so even if you have a separate pre-paid, you could still get caught unless you inexplicably turn off your main phone when out.

Basically, I think you’ve compiled an excellent list of how to ensure one’s wife cannot easily prove you’re cheating, but it does little to prevent her from suspecting that you are… and a few bucks and a PI later, you’d be busted.

CatGoesNomNom
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 07:44 pm: [report]

@Phil In Reno: You are annoying, and I’d be shocked if anyone actually read your novel all the way through.

_jsw_
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 08:25 pm: [report]

@Phil In Reno: I think the biggest issue with your comments is that they come across as being devoid of any emotional content, treating it all like a problem to be solved and risk-managed. Very little of what you say seems to treat others as humans or as potential partners in anything except a physical encounter. Furthermore, most of what you say implies that you treat everyone - or at least women - with distrust. Risk mitigation is fine, but I think you’re missing out on some of the true pleasures in life if you allow no emotional attachments because you’re too afraid of being screwed over.

snap
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 08:57 pm: [report]

phil has some SERIOUS issues with women and intimacy. 

phil, have you considered talking to a professional?  i think you could really benefit from it.  it might help out your love life

LoveLSU2007
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 09:08 pm: [report]

Phil: with your attitude about “getting the cow for free”.  That works both ways. Anyway,by not getting married, any wife you might have had won’t have to worry about you committing adultery, so, I guess there is a positive to your attitude, after all! So, you could be a cheater, but, not an adulterer.

I am one of those women who refuses to make a new guy I’m involved with pay the debt some other man has created.  I give a new guy a clean slate & he either lives up or down to my expectations.  I noticed your use of the word “risk mitigation”. Sounds like an attorney or someone in loss prevention/risk management.

Moving forward, I wrote a lengthy post earlier in this thread detailing how a man who met all of society’s criteria for being a good catch managed to keep a fiance’ secret from me and his elopment.  It was amazing to me how he was able to live two lives.  And those two lives were very entertwined. I think he got away with it because he truly believes that loving me and being with me was the most natural thing in the world for him.  (he still believes I am the love of his life & he made a mistake). Whatever. He’s off limits in my mind. In public, He is a man who “other men want to be like and women want to be with”. (I can’t remember who said that quote. ) I thought anyone who cheated was just scum (him) and she had to be a slut. No exceptions. It isn’t that concrete to me now. I would never continue to see him now that I know about the other woman.  And I also won’t hold anyone else accountable for HIS behavior.  Whether good or bad.  I take each person as they are and build my own relationship with them. Love is not for the faint of heart. I wish you well in your endeavors of the heart.  Old-age can be much harder if you don’t have a companion and best friend to share it with.

_jsw_
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 09:22 pm: [report]

@Phil In Reno: If it works for you, it works for you. However, while you seem to be having your financial and physical cakes and eating them too, because you’re careful about such risks, I’d argue that limiting your emotional risks has led you to a life with few emotional highs. Yes, it sucks to be dumped or cheated on or left. But to be in love is one of the best possible life experiences, and it is, in my opinion, worth the risk of pain to discover how it feels. There is no thrill without risk. In the end, the risks, from your point of view, are primarily financial, and at life’s end, the money doesn’t matter. Besides, someone with your planning would surely be able to hide financial resources in preparation for what you consider to be an inevitable end to any marriage/long term relationship.

_jsw_
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 11:02 pm: [report]

@Phil In Reno: I am personally, from experience, aware of the fairly prevalent inequality of support laws. Nevertheless, I would still argue that, if you spend sufficient time before getting married to help ensure you’re with the right person (I didn’t), your odds of being happy are pretty good. Always euphoric? No. Sometimes wishing you weren’t married? Of course. But, overall, if you choose well and communicate well before getting married, your chances of not getting divorced - because you don’t want to get divorced, not because you’re afraid to -  are pretty good. Studies also show men who are married (but not their wives) tend to love longer - another plus.

Marriage isn’t for you. However, even with what has happened in my life, it is for me. I won’t choose it recklessly, but, for me, having a partner I can come home to at night, having someone I love who loves me, having a person I care about with me instead of trying to hustle up the date-du-jour… these things outweigh mere financial inconveniences that might or might not occur.

With a vasectomy and a pre-nup, you too might not have much to worry about. But, in the end, it is your life, and when it’s near its end, you are the one who will review your choices, and you need to make the ones with which you’ll feel most comfortable.

LoveLSU2007
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 11:44 pm: [report]

Phil: perhaps this will make you feel there IS justice in the world. My husband left me for another woman several years ago.  He hired an attorney who is married to a fellow family law judge.  After 23 years of supporting his career, taking care of home & our children…the Judge made ME vacate our marital home…gave me $1,000 per month alimony (taxable & I had to pay my own medical insurance) & I had my car.  HE, on the other hand, got the remaining $136,000 for him, the house, the kids & two cars.  I had $500 a month to live on.  From a $500,000 home to nothing.  Fast forward to our divorce date. I was forced to sign over my 50% equity in the house worth $400,000 (200,000 was my half). He got custody of the kids.  I had to pay HIM $1,300 per month out of my $3,000 taxable alimony check.  He is a VP with a drug chain in the NE part of the US & lives in a 6,100 SF home w/ 4 cars.  “I” live in student housing here in Florida.  He refuses to pay the alimony on time & since it is a civil matter and not child support…I have to hire an attorney to go to court for enforcement.  Well, he knows that I can’t pay for an attorney living on $1,492 per month.  But, HE has an attorney on speed dial to just swat me back down in my place. I transferred for each of his promotions (13). He remarried within 6 months of the divorce & is now unhappy with his former mistress. I make too much money to get any type of assistance.  But, I don’t have enough money to eat on a regular basis.  Can’t afford medical insurance either.  Or a car.  In this economy no one wants a woman who has been out of the job market so long. BUT, I am in college fulltime on scholarships & grants and will graduate in exercise physiology in 18 months.  The point is that thanks to our feminist judges who looked at me as a stay-at-home wife as a pampered slug…..I got looked at as a nobody.  So, it isn’t just men anymore who get the shaft.  Nobody cares that my children have suffered greatly. I managed to get the oldest out of FSU this May w/o any debt.  But, that required me hiding from my daughter that I don’t get to eat every day.  I will have a happy ending, though. He didn’t break my spirit.  I started dating an elected official who I had contacted to help me get justice.  Our jurisdiction is being changed & the law school’s center for public justice is taking on my case pro bono starting August lst. And, no, the elected official hasn’t pulled any strings to help me with that. I contacted the director of the law school myself.  So, maybe you can sleep a little better knowing that today’s judges don’t care if a woman is the mother and stayed home with her kids. My ex never obeyed the court ordered transfer of assets because as long as he keeps me broke, I can’t go to court to get him held in contempt of court, However, I’ve been in the hospital the past two weeks with a kidney infection and guess who gets to pick up the entire bill?  The taxpayers of the USA…while the ex-husband has a salary in excess of $300,000, a 6,000 SF home and holds on to my half of the 1.5 million we had when we divorced.  So, thank you for that! I don’t qualify for any government assistance so the hospital’s assistance fund is picking up the tab. Not broke enough to qualify and not enough to pay for it myself.  How frustrating.
My point? I am not holding the men I date responsible for another man’s behavior.  Would I marry again? Yes, because I believe in the institution of marriage.

CatGoesNomNom
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 07:30 am: [report]

@LoveLSU2007: I am sorry you are having to go through this, but your resourcefulness and attitude is pretty much amazing. And it’s sad to say your situation isn’t isolated at all- my sister’s girlfriend is currently going through a similar situation with an unbalanced soon to be ex-husband.

@Phil in Reno: you keep saying that marriage is more beneficial to women, but do you have any actual facts to back that up? I’ve actually always read the opposite, that women in fact suffer while men benefit. You can’t use personal experiences and/or bias to justify your feelings on these issues.

On a side note, the more I read your comments, the more you sound like someone who was burned before and have allowed that experience to color your opinion of women. That’s very sad, and like someone said before, I think you may want to look into counseling (there’s nothing embarrassing or shameful about it, we all need someone to talk to). And, like another wise commenter said, as we age, loneliness and regret can really take over.

LoveLSU2007
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 09:15 am: [report]

Cat:  thank you for the kind words.  They are greatly appreciated.  I was determined that I was not going to be a member of the “angry, bitter” ex-wives club.  And, I decided that I had to be a positive role model for my daughter and my son.  They don’t like what their father has done, but, I refuse to participate in “daddy bashing”. They are 50% him/50% me & I feel I would be criticizing them (the kids) if I criticize their father.  They don’t needed any additional pressure added to their lives.  It’s tough enough having to go through a divorce and having a new stepmother in their life at the same time.
The one thing I was determined my ex couldn’t get from me is my spirit and my emotional wellbeing.  Some days are tougher than others, but, I am surviving it.  My friends and my church have been sources of positive support.  No wallowing in self-pity for me.  It doesn’t change anything.
I’ve met a lot of women in domestic violence situations like mine.  Meaning where there isn’t any physical violence, but, instead the emotional and financial abuse. There are a lot of resources available to men and women in abusive situations who want to make a better life for theirself.  It was important to me to make myself healthy so I could have a healthy relationship in my future.  Which is why I was able to handle this ex-boyfriend’s duplicity and not look at myself in a negative way afterwards.  And, also, not to put all men in a negative category. This behavior belongs to THAT man and him alone. I’m now dating a nice guy who treats me with respect.  It is a great deal of fun.  I believe in marriage.  I also believe it is beneficial to both partners as long as they both are willing to take ownership of their own behavior and don’t get caught up in who gets to be the victim. Sometimes, we have to make a choice in an argument of choosing to be “happy” or “right”. Who cares if I won my argument if my man feels embarassed and emotionally distant from me?  I have this policy in a disagreement if I have behaved badly:  First, I tell him I’m sorry. Second, I tell him I take responsibility, and Third, I ask him what can I do to make things right.  And he does the same thing for me.  As a result, we aren’t afraid to discuss a problem openly and quickly and then move on to more fun things. I’m from Louisiana and my family there has this motto: “treat your family like company & treat your company like family”.  It has worked well. As far as relationships, Kyra Sedwick of The Closer has a great motto: “keep the sex dirty and the arguments clean” This was her response to how she & her husband, Kevin Bacon, have had a great marriage for over 20 years.  It sounds great to me! Maybe there would be less cheating if partners would treat their spouse like company instead of taking them for granted & not appreciating them. As far as this topic on cheating.  I think most people cheat by accident. By that I mean, I don’t think we have millions of people going into relationships, married or not, with the idea that cheating is an option.  I never thought I’d be part of a cheating situation. I didn’t even know I was “the other woman”.  And this man has said to me that if he were able to get what he needed at home he never would have strayed.  He said he didn’t want to break up with her over sex, but, that he couldn’t see a lifetime of no sexual contact either.  I can’t imagine that dilemma.  I understand his pain, but, I can’t be his 2nd wife.  And that is how he treated me….like a wife.  He isn’t seeing anyone as I spent a lot of time with him reminding him there are other ways to get satisfied besides intercourse & that he really needs to be discussing with HER the ways to resolve this issue.  And if he really couldn’t be faithful to her that the two of them needed to make a decision.  This type of cheating he did is different to me than a man or woman who just don’t give two cents about their partner and are, basically, angry people. I’d rather be alone and have my integrity than be in a deceitful relationship. His wife might be choosing to look the other way, but, if she knew the depth of his feelings for me and how he has treated me…I don’t think she would be “as casual” about it as she appears.  Sounds like Gov. Sanford, doesn’t it?  But, as the poster said in the ways to get by with cheating….there ARE ways to do it and get by with it.  But, I’d hate to live like that.  Well, I have physiology to study.  Thanks again for the kind words.

_jsw_
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 09:44 am: [report]

@LoveLSU2007: I too am sorry that you went through what you did. While the perception is that men are always dealt with unfairly in divorces, the truth of the situation is that, most of the time, divorces are resolved more or less fairly (“fairly” ≠ “pleasantly” or “how I wish it would have happened”). In the remainder of the cases, the “unfair” ones, I’d argue that men are probably more likely to end up with the short end of the stick, but you’re proof that women also are victims. It bothers me that the process is so arbitrary. On the surface, the laws seem to cover it all, but underneath, the lawyers and the judge you get have an immense amount of control over the outcome. And that control is often abused. I’m sorry you were a victim of the process. I understand what that’s like, and I also understand what it is to be emotionally and financially abused without the physical bruises to show for it.

I am very sorry for what you’ve gone through, but your attitude is amazing, and the beliefs you follow (regarding company, fights, etc.) should serve you well when you find someone you truly cares about you.

doc
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 12:18 pm: [report]

you, the logical one, dude, suck it up, part of being a real man is when you get hit by a train, you get up, spit the broken teeth out, go to the ER for stitches, and then go have a cold one, real men dont whine, ever.

_jsw_
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 12:23 pm: [report]

@doc: Real men don’t go to the ER for stitches. They use duct tape.

marbleeyes
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 01:36 pm: [report]

Phil in Reno, I think I know who you are. I think you are married, had your other life, told your boss and co-workers that you were divorced and if your psycho ex-wife called to please not talk to her or give her any information to her because you were too busy taking your new girl friend on your business trips. You have two little boys, a 4 year old and 1 year old. Too bad your wife worked very hard to help pay off the house you bought together, pay child care and take care of your children while you were traveling and lying to her every day. You would take your children to daycare (when you decided to come home)and go to your girlfriends house where her 3 little girls called you daddy and spend time taking them to school. Then come home late to your house after having dinner with them. You wanted a child with your wife and never acknowledged him, missed his first birthday party because you were on a trip with her and your poor wife busted her behind to make ends meet. She tried to reach you and called work over and over with and emergency phone call that both of your children were very sick in the hospital with pneumonia crying for their daddy and you were with her on another trip. The co-workers thought she was psycho but someone got ahold of your boss who thought you were divorced and finally gave you the message. She found out you were not divorced in that phone call. But right after that, your wife found you purchased a house with this woman and the papers came to your wife while you were at this woman’s house. I won’t say how you did it but I know how you hid money from her. I am a friend of the family and know that your own parents are disgusted with how you treated your children and wife. Too bad, you are now divorced and as for your ex-wife, she now also owns half of your new house and the old one because of dower rights in our state. Your extreme and lengthy comments to cheat on a woman disgust me. Why not get a divorce and just move on. After witnessing the hurt with this family, it is not worth it. This guy is the lowest they get ladies.

_jsw_
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 01:51 pm: [report]

@marbleeyes: Phil in Reno was banned from the site and so cannot reply. Regardless of whether or not he was the guy you believe him to be, that man you discussed seems to be completely worthless as a human being.

allisnotlost
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 02:21 pm: [report]

_jsw_ I wanted to thank you for your words. Once a person has actually had that companionship, even though the heartbreak can happen with it, the companionship is, yes, something I’d like again one day. I almost came to tears at your words though.
Lovelsu2007 catgoesnumnum is right about your amazing attitude. I am sure you are an amazing woman with such a positive attitude. We can’t always prevent what will happen to us and we can’t always save ourselves from pain. I am humbled by your experience. The fact that you choose to talk about it, I hope you know you serve as a role model for others, men and women alike.
Phil in Reno: And finally, I wanted to thank you too, even though apparently you were banned… I’m going to assume you are not the guy that other person says you are as well because it seems unfounded. I doubt you would use your real name anyway. On to my reply to you:
Since you bring statistics in so much: Just because the statistics show that marriage rates are failing, it does not ensure that marriage in itself is a lost cause. The bond of marriage takes the commitment of two people. Even the gentleman who commented way earlier about how he worked more than full time and therefore his wife became a heartbreaker, well that man made a sacrifice and he put work over his wife. He may have made the commitment to his daughter but he neglected his wife. To cut it short, the relationship was unbalanced. You see, we all have choices in this world.
Think of divorce as you might think of diabetes. Chance/genetics play a part sure, but on the whole a largely preventable disease… We just have to be prepared. Sometimes experience prepares us and sometimes it’s chat forums…! So then, what does the 20th century mean to YOU? The statistics of yesterday’s are not today’s. The divorce rate does not mean YOU are headed for divorce, nor does it mean that marriage is DOOMED… So all the failed marriages out there signify failure in marriage, not that marriage is a failure. Um.. Lol, does that makes sense? haha But guess what “Phil”, failure signifies room for growth! Hey, I had a heartbreaking experience, but once I healed, guess what? I feel more prepared to have a successful relationship later down the road! But I had to grow to heal, I had to realize that I was at fault too. And maybe it’s not so much that you doubt someone else’s role in marriage, maybe you doubt your own.
Another thing must be said: Corruption exists everywhere and in every realm. The laws favoring women do so because of the women who cannot stand up for themselves exist. True, some women may feel obliged to bend rules; men do, women do. But many people in the world are honest and some folks are genuinely helped by the laws that may seem lenient when someone takes advantage of them. At any rate, the legal system is not perfect and we see this time and time again. Phil! I can see you have compassion so I bring it up, I do. Men are taken advantage of as well, many men are strong and many men just want one woman in their life, makes things less complicated I would think. And I think it can be exciting with just one person the rest of your life but just realize, it takes considerable effort to make something last like that, to make love last with the passion that it started with. What is easy is to have so many small relationships, takes less effort, always comforting, forget the depths of love, who needs it right? I mean, it’s the swords edge but it’s the least amount of risk anyone could assume. (I’m not considering other risks, STDs)

marbleeyes
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 03:56 pm: [report]

AllisnotLost sounds like a great person. Your comments are right on. I am in a second marriage and my husband as well. Both of us had cheaters for the first marriages. My marriage was doomed from the start simply because both my ex and I agree we were too young to get married. We share two children and can honestly say we are friends at this point in our lives. My husband and I found each other and share every day things and know that we can count on the other for support during difficult times. We have the romance, laugh and cry together. This is our 25th year of marriage and seems like yesterday. So, there are so great guys out there who do want one woman to share their life and it does work. Oh by the way, we talked about renewing our vows on our anniversary.  He said “Why? I have never broken them.” So we are going to Haiwaii and have a great time.

allisnotlost
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 04:20 pm: [report]

marbleeyes: This post of yours is so beautiful and thank you as well for the compliment.

Your story has inspired and enlightened me and I am humbled by it, thank you for sharing. I do admit, I am young in life and experience, but still, if I were to sit and sulk in all the trials of my life, I doubt I would have much time to find success and satisfaction for myself in my own way.

It is really something to have success in life because life AIN’T ALWAYS PRETTY! It sounds like your life has been rich with experience and growth. Congrats on renewing your vows, much fun to you in Hawaii!

LoveLSU2007
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 04:42 pm: [report]

Thank you all for the kind comments!  I really appreciate them.  Today is a good day for me….my son is with me and we will be celebrating his 13th b-day together along with his sister…the one I just got out of FSU debt free. My finals are next week and I will have a 3.5GPA for the summer…woo hoo! (proof I am NOT the dullest knife in the drawer.)

As ya’ll know, I am not stable financially, BUT, I am rich in the ways that count….my children love and respect me, they love and respect each other, I have opportunities to help other women in my situation, and I have learned the difference between a ‘need’ and ‘want’. My list could go on and on, but, I won’t.

For what it is worth, I was just forced into frugalness before the rest of the country.  I didn’t realize I was setting a trend! (yes, I know a bad joke).

I had to decide whether I was going to stay in a position of merely “reacting” to my ex-husband’s drama OR I could decide to be “proactive” and move forward in the most positive way possible.

The most important thing I can teach my daughter who is in her first long-term relationship is that she has to hold ther man’s behavior to just him and not make other men in the future pay a debt they did not create.  It is one thing to be straight and quite another to “like” men.  “Liking men” involves not trying to turn them into a girlfriend and appreciating the things that make men so uniquely different from women.  This relationship of hers is stable and that is quite a feat for HER coming from the viewpoint of a daughter of divorce.

Well, my studies are calling me and I must answer the call.
Again, I appreciate the kind remarks you have said.

P

marbleeyes
wrote on July 30 2009 @ 05:08 pm: [report]

I want all of you to know, we have not had it easy but life sure is better when you can share it with someone. I lost my job due to cutbacks and cannot find anything right now. Here is something to remember when you go throught these times.  Life is not measured by waiting out the storm. It is learning how to dance in the rain. Good luck to all of you. LoveLUS2007 congrats on your hard earned 3.5 GPA. Have fun on your son’s 13 b-day! Make it a great day!

fordf202006
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 03:59 am: [report]

Hi.  I am a hacker. I can get you a myspace, facebook,yahoo,msn/hotmail, gmail, aol…etc password. I do charge money though,but will show proof i have it.  Are you interested?  please email me at .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address)

**I CANNOT RECOVER A LOST/STOELN/FORGOTTEN PASSWORD**