8 Reasons You’re Not Having Enough Sex
Posted by: Simcha Whitehill
Filed in:
sex
2:49PM, Monday August 3rd 2009
British sexpert, Bettina Arndt, asked 100 couples to keep diaries about their sex lives for a year. In her experience, spicing things up can really solve any problems in the bedroom and that’s what she was hoping to prove. While she expected to read some salacious tales of romantic rendezvous, what she got really put the love in love life. People bared their souls and divulged their deepest, darkest feelings — wait, men have feelings?! Just kidding! Arndt has just published her findings in The Sex Diaries: Why Women Go Soft And Other Bedroom Battles based on what the couples wrote in their journals. It sounds like the perfect summer read, but if you’re like us circa high school, you’d rather skim the Cliff’s Notes. Here are eight reasons why couples stop having sex. [Daily Mail]
- Rejection: After a spouse says “no thanks” to sex enough, they stop asking. Then, the person who once did the spurning thinks their partner no longer wants to have sex with them. In actuality, s/he is waiting for the other one to initiate it.
- S/he Doesn’t Want Me Anymore: Women might feel insecure over the years as their looks age, but it drives men bonkers too. The fellas are also filled with self doubt over whether or not “s/he still thinks I’m sexy now that I’m fat and/or bald.”
- S/he Doesn’t Take Out The Trash: The rhetoric: If s/he cared about me, s/he’d help out around the house. Turns out choreplay isn’t just a turn-on, it really shows your spouse you love sharing every part, even the mundane ones, with them and you don’t see them as your personal slave. Also, s/he’s putting all of his/her energy into the house, so there’s none left for you. You have to find a balance!
- Tired Of Failing Sexual Expectations: Someone isn’t getting what they need out of sex and the other person is either left in the dark as to what it is or is simply not into what they want.
- Women’s Libidos Just Aren’t As Strong As Men’s: We’d like to call bulls**t here. But Arndt says many women feel even cuddling with their husband may seem like a sexual invitation, so they don’t want to tease him with a little bit of physical intimacy.
- Women Don’t Want Sex Until Someone Touches Them: On the other hand, women get in the mood when someone puts the moves on them. Then, once you get going…you’re in!
- Disappointed By How Life Has Turned Out: Ambition is a key personality trait that can attract people to each other. They’re both going places! But what if one person doesn’t quite live up to their potential? They’re probably bummed out and that’s not so sexy. Or the other could be left feeling dragged down. Then the libido heads the same way.
- S/he Constantly Pesters Me For Sex: Mismatched sex drives can leave you feeling like your spouse acts like a child. It’s one thing to want it, it’s another to persistently badger and whine to get it. Timing and seduction is everything.
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Fast Eddie
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 04:49 pm: [report]
Another reason is health. My wife has battled cancer twice over the last 6 years. This disease and the treatment thereof put a big dent in her energy and libido. We love each other very much and this period will pass or not, but I hope that our sexual activity will pick up again someday.
Lavanderism
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 01:07 am: [report]
Number eight is the one I am most wary of.
lovers4life
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 02:46 am: [report]
number to most defenantly
Potstirer
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 08:00 am: [report]
Number one for me.
I love sex all times of the day. It can be too much for the wrong person.
That brings number eight into play.
Relationships!*shrug*
Blissfullthinking.com
ThatChick
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]
Don’t forget hormones. Some women have imbalances, and isn’t it ironic that many hormone based forms of Birth Control can affect libido? Just when you can have all the sex you want without worrying about any accidents happening, you don’t want it anymore.
I’m 8mos pregnant, and sometimes I’m chasin’ him around the house, and sometimes I’m shruggin’ him off. As long as we meet in the middle for the most part, we’re happy.
bogart4017
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 12:17 pm: [report]
Almost every man can relate to number one. What we need to learn is to sometimes let our mates initiate the act. And be patient until they do. The funniest thing is once i had a mate who i used to let take the lead but she started to become predictable as to when and where she would do it. So this particular night i fell asleep waiting on her. At about 2am i was shocked out of sleep by a thudding pain and flying stars. In her frustration trying to wake me up she socked me in my my eye with her elbow. So i went ahead and gave her what she wanted. The next day my eye was discolored and swollen shut. So i told anybody that asked i wouldnt sexually satisfy her so she beat my ass and dtook it!
maroon
wrote on August 4 2009 @ 04:12 pm: [report]
my number one reason is mileage. about 800 miles separate me and my man right now. when we’re together we make up for lost time, but the average still falls pretty low
majicksand
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 08:11 am: [report]
They skipped the most obvious ~ we’re exhausted. My husband and I own a small business. Far from being glamorous, it means we work all the time. Between that, our two kids, our dog, family, friends, laundry… the list goes on. Sure everybody says “make time”, and we do, just not everyday. Sometimes not for a week or even two. There are days that the sexiest thing we have the energy for is curling up together and falling asleep.
jackofhearts
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 10:46 am: [report]
#5 and #6 WTF? I simply can not believe this to be true!
I have a MUCH higher sex drive than my bf, and have spoken to many of my female friends about it and found they are in a a similar position (nudge nudge wink wink)
As for #6, well, it’s just complete rubbish. Unless I’m reading it wrong, it makes absolutely no sense to me whatsoever.
Fellow ladies - surely I’m not alone in getting horny?
wonderfultonight
wrote on August 5 2009 @ 02:34 pm: [report]
I’m with you, jackofhearts. I have heard more women complain about too little sex than too much of it. I.m 30 and have heard it from both younger and older women, married and those in relationships.
There is such a thing as “too much sex?” Not as far as I’m concerned.
kingcobra
wrote on August 7 2009 @ 07:59 am: [report]
My ex and I were prone to Number One. She always said “no” so I quit asking and let her initiate. I think it might have been more of a control issue. After a time, she began to complain that I never wanted sex anymore. I told her why and she said, “I don’t want to have sex. I just want you to pester me about it.” Sometimes you just can’t win.
PaulaDDN
wrote on August 14 2009 @ 09:45 pm: [report]
8 all the way :S
Lonely_Latina
wrote on August 16 2009 @ 05:48 am: [report]
I am married and it is #1 all the way. I have initiated sex and have been turned down every time. Eventually I stopped asking since it feels like I am being a pest and my husband seems to prefer masturbation. Masturbation is ok for now but I am sooo bored that I’m tempted to just cheat so I won’t bother my husband anymore. LIke kingcobra said: Sometimes you just can’t win.
Agtfos
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 02:29 am: [report]
The most unbelievable and unexpected explanation (though almost certainly the least common) is because the partner who does not want sex is Gay.
This happened to me, and my (now openly) gay ex wife has admitted that she didn’t want sex with me and deliberately avoided it. I didn’t know the reason and spent 2 (faithful) years of rejection. As a man though I felt my true failure (at the time) was my inability to ‘fix’ the relationship. Of course that was impossible.
The curse of ‘midlife lesbianism’ and closeted ‘Gay in denial men’ in straight relationships does huge damage to the partners self esteem. The Straight women and men are left feeling unattractive, inadequite, or are told that they are abnormal and sex obsessed. As the gay partner withdraws from the relationship, the straight partner, bereft of explanation, works ever harder to maintain it, and ends up shattered and confused when it ends.
I got help at the Straight Spouse Network, and U.K: Straight Partners Anonymous
Read more: http://www.dailymail.co.uk/femail/article-1203821/Why-women-sex-What-happened-100-couples-kept-candid-diary-bedroom-antics.html#addComment#ixzz0OWMu5aWh
majicksand
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 10:05 am: [report]
@Agtfos: Wow, that’s unbelievably sad. Did your ex know she was gay when she married you? Was she just desperately trying to be “normal” to appease friends and family? Or did she realize she was gay later when she couldn’t figure out why she had no sexual interest in her husband?
It isn’t fair to you either way, but I would think it’s a little more forgivable if it hadn’t occurred to her ahead of time that she might be gay. In that case, it’s not so much that she was using you, she was confused and struggling too.
wonderfultonight
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 02:14 pm: [report]
@Agtfos I am so sorry and I can relate somewhat because a similar thing happened in my family. My uncle, after 40 years of marriage and 4 children, decided he was going to come out. Since the birth of their 4th child, he and my Aunt had lived as sister and brother. She thought it was her fault when he constantly rejected her. He traveled a lot and I guess that is when he was getting his action.
He did not tell her until he had retired. Then when she wanted a divorce, he actually fought it because he didn’t want to support her. At her age - 62, she was not going to be able to find anyone else, but he has several gay friends.
Ironically, after the dust settled and he gave in on the support issue, which had alienated him from his kids and grandsons, they eventually became good friends, first for the kids sake, now it is genuine, but she was incounseling a long time.
Agtfos
wrote on November 17 2009 @ 06:42 pm: [report]
Thank you for the support.
My gay ex wife claims that she was straight when we married as far as she was concerned. She certainly had no reason to hide it, as her mother is also openly gay.
She prefers not to go into why the sex declined, however I have learned that it was during this time that she was experimenting (cheating) with another woman briefly. The distancing/seperation phase is a common prelude to coming out in these situations. I have read comments from other gay women that have stated that during this phase their husbands body disgusts them in various ways, so perhaps she is trying to spare my feelings.
Yes, I guess it is more forgivable. But it would have been even more forgivable if she had been open with me and not waited until I been made redundant and their was a rather ugly butch girlfriend (my opinion) in the wings. If she had I might have at least saved the house. Again a ‘precipitation crisis’ is a common ‘coming out’ factor.
Ho Hum. Hopefully I’ll stop feeling angry soon.
I’m glad that your aunt and uncle are now friends. I have to confess that it never occurred to me that my ex’s offer of friendship was intended to offer support, as it sure didn’t feel like it at the time, it was more like ‘we’ll stay married and you can be faithful and celibate’ which didnt work for me I’m afraid.
Tomorrow is another day.
wonderfultonight
wrote on November 18 2009 @ 11:13 am: [report]
@agtfos
I hope that tomorrow is a BETTER day and each day is better than the last and that you continue to heal from this situation through your support group. It does take time, but I hope you will let the anger go soon. It will also be better for your health.
You do not mention children, so I’m assuming that is fortunately not an issue. My aunt & uncle had such bitter fights that their kids sat them down one day and told them they were never going to invite them to any family gatherings if they continued to disrupt every occasion. This was what eventually ended their hostilities. Something like a bucket of cold water thrown on them.
Peace and happiness in the future…