Eight Hilariously Stupid Sex Stories

Posted by: Simcha Whitehill Filed in: sex
9:00AM, Thursday February 26th 2009

Sex is gross and weird enough without some total moron winding up in the emergency room. But if there’s one good thing that comes out of all this—it’s not babies, luckily—it’s hilariously awesome stories that make urban legends seem redundant. Here are the eight funniest sex tales of whoa, that don’t come from an O!

1. An Australian woman was masturbating to some porn when she shot her vibrating “Roo” (Australia’s version of the rabbit) clean out of her vagina with a powerful orgasm. The toy bounced off the floor and ricocheted out the window into oncoming traffic. She then leaned out the window to try to find it and wound up falling out of her home and onto the road, ass up, with a grin on her face. Oddly enough, her precious Roo was recovered and, as she puts it, “can still hop with the best of them.”

2. A woman decided to show her boyfriend who was boss by stealing his keys and shoving them up her hoo-ha. Unfortunately, she and an emergency room doctor couldn’t find the keys…despite knowing their location. They must have fallen out somewhere, without her noticing.

3. One night last September, a South African couple decided to do it on the train tracks! Sadly, their love turned into a train wreck. Despite the conductor’s cries and, you know, a giant noisy freight train headed straight for them, he couldn’t get their attention and both were killed. Listen up kids, this is just another reason you should not play by the railroad tracks!

4. While a woman was making breakfast one morning, her cop husband wanted to butter her bread. So he decided to stick his dick in a loaf—literally. Whether it was the thrill of surprise or all that yeast, he got quite a rise. Upon seeing the sausage sandwich, his dog leapt up and took a big bite. Ouch! Luckily doctors were able to reattach it with plastic surgery. Didn’t anyone ever tell him not to play with his food?

5. A man decided to surprise his love with a flower…stuck in his penis. He plucked a Geranium from the garden and inserted the stem up his pee hole. Unfortunately, the hairy fibers on the stem tore his urethra to shreds and he needed to have surgery. Hopefully next time he’ll just use a vase.

6. New York is known for being the city that never sleeps and in the hopes of lasting all night long, a 34-year old man injected a cocaine solution into the skyscraper in his pants. Unfortunately, he developed blood clots and gangrene that resulted in nine fingers, both legs, and his penis being amputated.

7. Joe Simpson dreams about getting away with this kind of accident, but a Los Angeles businessman was horrified to find out he was unsuspectingly engaged to his daughter. After his fiance’s father admitted that his wife was artificially inseminated, the man flashed back to his college years when he made over 800 deposits in a sperm bank. After checking the medical records, it turns out that the bride to be was one of those kids! This story brings a new, even more disgusting meaning to being a daddy’s girl.

8. In the heart of America, a married couple was desperately trying to get pregnant. They tried and they tried, but eventually they sought the help of a fertility counselor. While most of us learned in health class all about putting the penis in the vagina, when the counselor probed into their sex life he found they had one comparable to teenagers sandwiching at a school dance. Sadly, they thought intercourse was just dry-humping. Doh! Well, if you can’t figure out how to reproduce, perhaps you shouldn’t.

comments

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 10:39 am: [report]

Cocaine in the penis is true.

powplz
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 10:43 am: [report]

that picture is super gross. however, I couldn’t agree more with “if you can’t figure out how to reproduce, perhaps you shouldn’t.” too funny!

writergirl
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 12:14 pm: [report]

#5 is hilarious for some reason. I think just the visual alone!

The one about the couple on the train tracks can’t be true. I mean, I know your brain shuts down during sex to a certain degree, but c’mon—how do you miss hearing a TRAIN???

I have military aircraft flying over my house; often times at night. I hear that, even if we’re invovled….

Oliveira
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 12:46 pm: [report]

Can you even IMAGINE how painful it would be to insert a bloody vase into a pee hole?!!!! Seriously. Women.

fallenangel915
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 01:07 pm: [report]

Ok, you can shove keys up your hoo-ha and have them fall out without even knowiing? Damn…that gives new meaning to “like throwing a hotdog down a hallway”!

fallenangel915
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 01:11 pm: [report]

Oh, and #6 would have been better off snorting the cocaine; it still produces the same effect. Don’t ask how I know.

amanda lynn
wrote on February 26 2009 @ 08:23 pm: [report]

wow. all sorts of awesome there!

Sheleke GottSwagger Cole
wrote on February 27 2009 @ 12:49 pm: [report]

“A man decided to surprise his love with a flower…stuck in his penis. He plucked a Geranium from the garden and inserted the stem up his pee hole. Unfortunately, the
hairy fibers on the stem tore his urethra to shreds and he needed to have surgery. Hopefully next time he’ll just use a vase.”Can you even IMAGINE how painful it would be to insert a bloody vase into a pee hole?!!!! Seriously. Women. Ok, you can shove keys up your hoo-ha and have them fall out without even knowiing? Damn…that gives new meaning to “like throwing a hotdog down a hallway”!
That’s just funny and a very stupid thing to do and then again the flower thing was sweet but why do’nt you just stick in your ass then?....LOLSZ… But I am lesbian and Dr. your underwear in the pictures turns me on!...Im getting very hot but anyway i wouls love to stick my dick up your pussy!....

Jules
wrote on February 27 2009 @ 06:31 pm: [report]

Okay, I wasn’t going to click on this, because the pic gave me horrors of what might be lurking here. Not that I haven’t fantasized about rendering someone thus upon occasion…

But anyway. #5. Talk about being deflowered…

0rion
wrote on February 27 2009 @ 07:20 pm: [report]

In other news…A russian man took on a bet with two women who challenged him to please them both for 12 hours straight. He took a whole bottle of Viagra, and proceeded to win the bet…then die of a heart attack shortly thereafter.

Src= http://www.news.com.au/story/0,23599,25113643-13762,00.html

BTW, 5 made my skin crawl, thats the worst thing I’ve ever heard.

retro chic
wrote on February 27 2009 @ 08:10 pm: [report]

Our notorious neighbor “deaf Vera” couldn’t hear herself sex-moaning (she took a lonnng time to come), worse during open-window summer season. But the rest of us neighbors sure could. We’d share notes on ‘ol Vera for laughs. We tried everything from earplugs, to polite notes then sex tips and mouth gags in her mailbox, to failed attempts at a little B&E;to shut windows, nothing helped.

The last straw at one house caused them to call the police reporting “violent screaming—possible murder.” Police show—nary a peep since. Poor Vera.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on February 28 2009 @ 02:32 am: [report]

HAHAHA That is an awesome tale Retro Chic.