5 Things I’d Do Differently If I Re-Lived My Single Life
Posted by: Wendy Atterberry
Filed in:
relationships
10:00AM, Wednesday September 2nd 2009
In the six weeks or so since my wedding, I’ve had a chance to reflect on how my life has changed as a married woman. There are a few subtle differences (extra ring on my left hand, saying the phrase “my husband,” cooking with fancy pots and pans), but the truth is, life hasn’t changed much. Drew and I lived together almost two years before tying the knot, so other than opening a joint checking account to save our wedding money and deposit cash into once a month for future travels, we haven’t done much differently as husband and wife than we did as boyfriend and girlfriend. But when I think way back to my days before Drew, when I was still very much a single gal, it occurs to me that while there were certainly things I loved about my single life, if I had a chance to live those days over, there are several things I’d do differently the second time around. After the jump, the top five things I’d do if I had a “do-over” on my single life.
1. End bad/boring/unfulfilling relationships as soon as I felt bad/bored/unfulfilled.
Years later, it still boggles my mind when I think of the amount of time I spent in relationships well past their sell-by dates. Fear of loneliness, fear of hurting another’s feelings, naively thinking things would magically get better all kept me with guys who were oh-so-wrong for me. All that time I spent going nowhere with those guys, I could have spent going somewhere with those hotties I always made eyes with on the train. I could have traded in boring Saturday nights in front of the TV for nights out with friends that actually made me laugh and feel good about myself.
2. Date outside my race more.
Odd that as someone who actually prefers darker-skinned men, I dated mostly Caucasian guys when I was single. What’s that all about? I wouldn’t trade my husband for anyone in the world, but it would have been nice to learn more about other cultures and experience different relationship dynamics with guys outside my own race when I had the chance.
3. Cry less.
God, the tears I cried over dumb boys and pointless relationships — what a waste! I barely remember some of their names now, but at the time, the trauma of unrequited like—like, not even love! — was so overwhelming, so all-encompassing, I wasted weeks upon weeks in my twenties crying over boys who would prove to be barely a blip on my radar in retrospect. Every time a guy let me down, I worried I was one step closer to living my life ALONE forever, rather than seeing it as one step closer to the guy who finally WOULDN’T let me down. All that time I could have been riding my bike instead of drying my eyes — it certainly would have been a lot more fun.
4. Travel more.
My coupled friends always took the best vacations and rather than joining them or getting together a travel group of other single people, I told myself, “Some day, when I’m in a good relationship, I’ll take trips like that, too!” And now I DO take great trips (Drew and I have traveled to China and Costa Rica together, on Friday we’re headed to Portugal and Spain for our honeymoon, and we already have exciting travel plans for next year), but why on earth did I think I had to be in a relationship to take a great vacation? Just thinking about all the solo trips — not to mention vacation flings — I missed out on makes me a little sick. I’d definitely take a do-over on this.
5. Always trust my gut.
I used to think my gut was a bully — that it simply didn’t want me to be happy. Why else would it turn on nearly every guy I brought home? Eventually, I stopped listening to it altogether. Oh, what a mistake! Dear gut, I’m sorry! I was wrong, you were right. They were jerks/liars/cheats/morons/Republicans. I’m sorry I ever doubted you and if I had the chance to do it again, I’d listen to your every utterance and take heed.
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AlisonNoelle
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]
I would just like to add 1 more thing to a very good list: Open up more. I lost a few really promising relationships by not letting them in. I lost the “one who got away” because I refused to tell him that I loved him because I was afraid it would it would end in heartbreak. I still regret that every time I think about him.
tomato
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 09:27 am: [report]
as someone who just got out of a relationship, i wonder about whether i should be more open or more guarded in the future. will i look back and regret allowing myself to be hurt so often, or will i regret not being open to every experience i could have had? i suppose there’s no way to know what parts of your current life you might regret in the future.
Kate Torgovnick
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 09:55 am: [report]
These are all such great points, and as a single gal, I am totally taking them to heart. Especially the travel more one!
And I love this line: “Every time a guy let me down, I worried I was one step closer to living my life ALONE forever, rather than seeing it as one step closer to the guy who finally WOULDN’T let me down.” You’ve just helped me reframe all my dude encounters of this summer.
anhngu
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 10:14 am: [report]
This article is very inspiring to me at this moment when I’m packing my stuff to move out of an apartment shared with my ex-bf. This is for No. 1 and 5! Thank you.
Oliveira
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 11:11 am: [report]
Number 5 couldn’t be more right. If your gut says the man is wrong for you, TRUST IT. Don’t just try to silence it with “but he’s so good looking”—chances are, he knows he’s good looking and knows how to use it to get what he wants from you.
effing hickster
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]
I would have refused to take on credit! Horrible move that banks and lenders are constantly trying to entice young people with.
Linz
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
I just want to say that I think this is a really good, relevant article. It seems that some real thought went into this. Great advice!
bogart4017
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 12:31 pm: [report]
This is going to sound really sexist but i think i would have dated more bi-curious girls. They are a little less possessive and clingy than some hetero girls.
resullins
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]
@Bogart: You’re right… but maybe if you had, you would have seen that they’re mostly just like us straight women! So either way, that one’s a win!
I would also have to say, go out with just your girlfriends more often. Not for the purpose of trolling for guys… just to be with people that make you feel better. Don’t wallow…
Wendy Atterberry
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 03:49 pm: [report]
Fortunately, I went out with my friends A LOT when I was single (still do), so that’s not something I feel like I’d want to do differently, but that’s definitely good advice for those who are currently single and not taking advantage of their free time.
DancingGeek
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 08:28 pm: [report]
Great article. I’m adding actually “date” men, as in wait a while and get to know them before getting naked. Its easy to confuse physical intimacy with true intimacy.
I’m all for trusting your gut, even if he seems like a great guy and you’re not sure why your gut is telling you what its telling you!!
diane227
wrote on September 2 2009 @ 10:38 pm: [report]
My dating career stated in the early 70’s. There was a lot of change during that time. In the 60’s the birth control pill had just come on the market and in the 70’s abortion had just become legal. For those of us who were baby boomers, these were big changes, especially for females, finally being able to assert their rights to be sexual beings, which we had never had the freedom to do before. STD’s were around but no such thing as HIV so people were pretty liberal about sex. My regret was that I did not wait longer to have sex. I wish that I had known more about sex, the psychological aspects of how you feel when you make that physical connection with someone. It is said that men have sex for sex and women have sex for love. That was true in my case. Looking for love and affection but never finding it in any sexual experience that I had with anyone. It was only much later in my life that I came to understand this. I just did not understand how to have a relationship with a man without having sex right up front. I never learned how. My father died when I was nine. I had no male role model except a family full of alcoholic uncles who used to say that there is no excuse for any woman to be poor when she is sitting on what she needs to make money. Not a very good role model. I think girls really need a strong male role model in order to know how to act and react to being with males. What to you guys think?
Neo
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 12:31 am: [report]
“...haven’t done much differently as husband and wife than we did as boyfriend and girlfriend.”
Sort of means you’re in a “marriage” that doesn’t really mean much.
And I bet Drew starts hoping you travel alone more in the future too (somewhere you can meet those swarthy men of your dreams).
retro chic
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 01:55 am: [report]
Wendy, what a great, thoughtful list. Of course, you wouldn’t re-do anything since your path brought you to where you are now – happy with your new husband. And, you can still travel with friends, with or without your husband.
The ones that ring loudest with me:
1, 3 & 5. I can sum up with: Procrastination, the Life Killer. Frustrated tears from seeing and knowing real-time to leave, but not acting. Less excusable than epiphanies in retrospect, but I don’t even allow myself to think about do-overs. More lost time.
2 & 4: check, and check. I was and am experiential.
@diane227: I think that’s true – a good male role model in a healthy relationship with mom gives a girl the majority of her relationship foundation, and hopefully hedges sexualizing too early. I think I would have traded you dads, tho. It might have been better to have no dad than bad dad.
diane227
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 02:57 am: [report]
You know, I think if my father had lived he would have been a great role model for a future husband. As It was I did not get married until very late in life. I was 46. Being an only child and living with only one parent, being alone did not bother me. But after my mother died when I was 38 I started thinking about growing old without a family. It has been hard being married, having someone around all the time. But now I have my husbands family and they have made me feel more welcome than any of my own family ever did. I just wish that now, in retrospect, that I had not made some of the choices with men in the past.
theoldman
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]
daine227 I think that having a strong father figure gives women a standard to see if the guy “measures up”. The important thing for women to understand is that if the guy is worth having he isn’t going to care about WHEN he gets into your pants. All he cares about is staying there for the next 50 years. There was nothing as totally satisfying about the sexy high school cheerleader(ex-wife) where love was mechanical with strings attached as with the church mouse (my lover who was too scared to commit to marriage) who put her heart and soul into our relationship. DO YOUR BREAST EXAMS.
I am now into round three and I know much better what a “good” woman is. That is someone who knows and values herself. She has the confidence to ignore the come ons from the HOTTIES and HUNKS who exploit the women they meet. And she is confident to do without a guy for a while if she doesn’t see one good enough. Women complain about the jerks, but the jerks get away with it because women don’t kick them to the curb fast enough.
Strong fathers also give sons a good role model to follow as well.
majicksand
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 04:10 pm: [report]
I have a great dad, a lousy father, and a well-meaning but overly critical mother. (my dad married my mom the year I turned two) My love life has been… tumultuous. Thankfully, I finally found a great guy and married him.
BTW Wendy, great list. I hope some of the younger women listen and learn. I don’t wish my mistakes (or heartbreak) on anyone. I will wish them all my “happily ever after” though.
Tiggs
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 07:17 pm: [report]
“They were jerks/liars/cheats/morons/Republicans.” Wendy, I think I’ve been dating your exes.
Aren’t there any nice, honest, faithful, intelligent Democrats out there? And would I know him if I tripped over him?
neongh0st
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 09:21 pm: [report]
Life definitely has to balance out over time in this regard. If only there was a way to send the surety you feel now back in time so you could rock the f**k out…
Vitally_Florin
wrote on September 3 2009 @ 11:25 pm: [report]
How about… be the chooser. Don’t wait around for the guys to choose you. Find someone you like, and make a move!
resullins
wrote on September 4 2009 @ 09:03 am: [report]
Hey hey hey… no ragging on Republicans. I HATE partisan politics. But I am, and always have been, a Republican. And I’m supremely dateable!
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on September 4 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]
@resullins: On principal I must stand up and say “No” to Republicans whether flying monkeys stole your icon or not.
Also, pics or the ‘datable’ claim go out the window too.
resullins
wrote on September 4 2009 @ 09:11 am: [report]
What about a Republican that’s socially liberal? Just Republican in finance and governmental matters!
http://www.myspace.com/wickedloud
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on September 4 2009 @ 09:14 am: [report]
@resullins: Pic is small, but you pass. On the politics front, why aren’t you a libertarian?
resullins
wrote on September 4 2009 @ 09:19 am: [report]
@CheeeeEEEEse: Awww… thanks.
They’re a little too radical for me. I don’t want the abolition of centralized government, I just don’t want everything in my life to be as ‘effective’ as the Post Office or the IRS.
Plus, where I come from, people will shun you without proper political registration!
I’m ok being labeled as a Republican… except when people believe the grossly inacurate stigma attached to the word.
Ryanisawesome
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 08:57 am: [report]
Your articles are boring and annoying, as you mention constantly that you’re married. Is that really such an accomplishment? Can’t you write about anything interesting? And you travel? Gasp!
Kati-Anne
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]
@Ryanisawesome- If you think they’re boring than don’t read them. The blogger’s name is always listed at the top of the article, so it makes them pretty easy to avoid. Look! I just made your life better! You’re welcome.
skywalk
wrote on September 10 2009 @ 10:04 am: [report]
1. I didn’t have this problem, I never anyone longer than I wanted too.
2. I didn’t exclude someone from my dating pool on race but when I was younger my state wasn’t as diversified but now it is so the option would be more available. I also would exclude someone based on sex… bi curious but my husband is not cool with that!!
3. See #1 I would just move on.
4. Yeah I’ve never really got to travel solo or really too much with friends. I had big plans that would have been fun, but tragedy struck.
5. True, the one relationship I was jealous or more nervous about ending up being the guy who cheated on me. I really don’t think I caused because I don’t believe he knew I was anxious about our relationship but I think I should have trusted my gut. Also my first husband I was not fully convinced getting married was the best idea but I loved him.
6. I would date more, I got into relationship and be serious and exclusive pretty quickly.
@Alison Noelle said open up more I thought I was too open.. I should have been more aloof.
@effing Hister I learned that lesson with my first marriage and now I keep my money/bills separate
Iammina
wrote on September 11 2009 @ 06:16 pm: [report]
I agree with everything. I would have liked to have been on my own a little longer, dated more, partied more, before getting married. My husband is six years older and was ready to settle down long before I was ready and I caved under pressure. However, I am very happily married and might have lost the best thing that ever happened to me.
honibee
wrote on September 13 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]
Great list!! I’m trying to do everything I can, because I have a 92-year-old friend who tells me that she doesn’t regret anything she’s ever done, only regrets the things she didn’t do.
vinaskya
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 04:24 pm: [report]
I am single and i am so loving what you wrote. Especially when you stated, “Every time a guy let me down, I worried I was one step closer to living my life ALONE forever, rather than seeing it as one step closer to the guy who finally WOULDN’T let me down.” i felt like this everytime. But your gut can never lead you astray.
Thanks!
playsomedisc25
wrote on September 23 2009 @ 11:50 pm: [report]
Wendy,
Come on…not all Republicans are like George W. Bush. Or Sarah Palin for that matter. You’re saying that if you met a man who was perfect in every way, and who even kept his political views to himself, but if he voted GOP you wouldn’t even consider him?
There are Dems who are just as bad. Michael Moore for instance.
resullins
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 08:47 am: [report]
@Play… thank you! We actually sort of already had this conversation… look about 10 comments up. Michael Moore is the devil. Luckily, his last movie got REAMED by the critics. Maybe he’ll stop now!
playsomedisc25
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 09:59 am: [report]
Haha, I kind of actually like Roger and Me. But Fahrenheit 911 was just obnoxious. He used selective editing to make like…every point in that movie (I only know of two instances in Roger and Me when he used it.) Good to hear that his latest movie got slammed.
Have you ever seen Team America: World Police? “The base has been infiltrated by a giant socialist weasel! (referring to Moore.)”
((For the record, I’m not registered with either party but voted Obama.))
resullins
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 10:32 am: [report]
Yeah… you can make any point you want with really good editors… whether you’re right or wrong. I could probably ACTUALLY prove that Obama was Hitler with a good copy of ProTools, doesn’t make it true. Bowling for Columbine made me sick. He blamed everyone BUT the kids that shot people. Anyway… he sucks, I boycott him.
I haven’t seen Team America… but I keep hearing that I should. So maybe it’s time.
And FTR, I am registered Republican, though I vote all over the spectrum… and I did NOT vote for Obama.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 10:35 am: [report]
@resullins: Pfft, with good editing I could prove Hitler was a good guy and that Obama was white.
resullins
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]
That’s what I’m saying! Maybe we should try that… we could make a million dollars too!!!
SunflowerEyes
wrote on October 13 2009 @ 02:02 pm: [report]
I would have been single more
I was a chronic relationship gal…