5 Subtle Signals Guys Won’t Pick Up On
Posted by: Phil Dotree
Filed in:
guys
12:00PM, Tuesday October 20th 2009
Men are not the masters of the subtle. We’re the sex that laughs at farts and watches Jean-Claude Van Damme movies, and we wouldn’t know subtlety if it hit us over the head with a brick (which it probably wouldn’t do, since, you know, it’s subtlety and all).
As such, many of us have problems when it comes to dealing with women. Women communicate very subtly, and guys are looking for something more along the lines of a large neon sign declaring that you’re willing to sleep with us or that you’d like to see us thrown through a plate glass window.
The prices of neon and plate glass are through the roof though. So, until we learn to communicate better, here’s a look at a few of the more subtle signals a woman might send that a guy will completely miss.
1. Looking at us, then looking away.
You Think: You’re coyly telling a guy that you’re interested in him.
He Thinks: He’s got something on his face that you don’t want to look at for very long. Either that, or you’re trying to figure out what kind of beer he’s drinking. Guys tend to take the “looking, then looking away” thing as an insult, and end up giving a cold shoulder to women genuinely interested in them.
2. Verbal innuendo.
You Think: By dropping suggestive words, you’re initiating a romantic flirtation or otherwise getting your message across.
He Thinks: You’re using weird words. Guys completely miss verbal innuendo from women on a regular basis, because the words we use for innuendo are so different from the words that you use. Again, we’re looking for something obvious. Dropping words into a conversation isn’t going to work unless you’re being fairly explicit.
3. Acting tired.
You Think: You’re telling a guy that you want to leave a party to go home right away, in a way that doesn’t offend the people around you.
He Thinks: You want to go sleep in the car while he continues to have a good time. “Tired” to a man means “manageable.” We’re only going to get that you don’t want to be in a certain place if you actually tell us that—yes, men are actually that obtuse.
4. Various breakup lingo.
You Think: By being polite, you’re sparing the guy the indignity of being dumped.
He Thinks: You’re still interested. When you break off a relationship with a guy, be clear about your intentions; don’t say anything about “taking a break for a while” or “taking some time to rethink things.” This is just leading the guy on, and he’ll think that he still has a shot—and men are nothing if not tenacious. Don’t give him the wrong impression by accident. It’s better to get dumped than to be mislead, even if it’s unintentional.
5. Flirting touches.
You Think: You’re flirting by making excuses to touch him, wiping some lint off of his shirt or touching his shoulder when he says something mildly amusing.
He Thinks: You’re flirting, but he’s unlikely to notice the touches unless you stick with it. Once again, I’ve got to point out that guys are less sensitive to subtlety than rocks—the first few flirting attempts go right over our heads. Keep at it, though, and he’ll figure out what you’re getting at.
Have you noticed a guy completely missing what you believe to be an obvious signal? Post in the comments.
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PixelChick
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 11:06 am: [report]
All these games and hints have always really annoyed me. When I wanted my man I just went for it. Walked up to him with a big smile and said,
“Hi! Here is my number, how about we go out sometime?”
Today we are celebrating our two year wedding anniversary and have been together for about 7 years.
*sam*
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 11:10 am: [report]
#2 reminds me of a certain someone.
vinospizza
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 11:17 am: [report]
This “column” belongs in Cosmo or Men’s Health. Wtf? Was there a how many stereotypes can we write down contest going on?
luke15chick
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]
also, i’m hoping there are other females that have tried besides me, dressing nice to indicate lets go somewhere and it never works for me, the guy always thinks oh she dressed up, i like it.
Riley
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 11:19 am: [report]
Agree with all of them. Can’t even count the number of times I realized there was flirting the next day or hours later, too little too late.
I hate ambiguous break-up lingo. So much easier to just tell someone it isn’t working out or that you’ve met another person. Saves a lot of time on both ends, and there aren’t any annoying calls/texts that need to be dodged.
Riley
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 11:28 am: [report]
@vinospizza - The point is that nobody can read your mind. Everyone is different and you shouldn’t expect that people will understand your intentions when they are cloaked in subtlety.
Humble Bee
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 11:49 am: [report]
I wish I were as brave as PixelChick…
C.Munro
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:49 pm: [report]
Y’know, it’s not always that guys are unable to pick up on signals like these. It’s that the signals themselves are often not used consistently. I pick up on these silly little signals constantly, I just can’t be sure of what they really mean. After being shot down by a few women who did most of those things, it became a whole lot less frustrating to let subtleties fly over my head.
_jsw_
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 01:55 pm: [report]
@*sam*: Whomever could you be thinking of?
*innocent look and whistle, eyes off to side*
*sam* is alluding to a video of me in 1988, when I borrowed a department camcorder in school and spent some time with a female friend of mine. I’d say that #1, #2, #5, and a bit of #3 were quite evident in the video, and anyone watching it can tell, as can I now, but at the time, I was a clueless idiot. Not that I’ve changed much since then.
Morwen
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 02:36 pm: [report]
About #1… Ha! Guys get scared when I maintain eye contact. The looking-and-looking-away seems to be way more effective. Or less scary, I’m not sure.
kevinh
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 03:26 pm: [report]
The direct approach always works:
“hi! youre cute, heres my/can i have your number?”
equnsuocha
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 03:42 pm: [report]
A while back when my marriage was in it’s final death throws, I was feeling the lowest I have ever felt. I was 50lb over weight depressed and lacking any positive image of myself at all. Mostly because I had sex less than 10 times in 10 years with a husband who decided the nicest thing he could say to me on our anniversary is that “He wasnt a chubby chaser”. Anywho, I was at a conference in Austin and saw the HOTTEST guy I had ever seen up close. Every woman at the conference was throwing themselves at him but doing all the typical flirty BS. With some liquid courage (read: several shots of awful rail tequila) I walked up to him at the bar we were at. looked him in the eye and said “You’re hot!!” Then slapped him in the face and walked away. The next night was the final night and we ended up at the BBQ thing at the same exact time and he said “Hey you slapped me last night” I was embarassed being who I was and him being SOOOOOOOOOO motherF’ing hot, I didn’t know what to say. He then said “that was awesome” we spent the 2whole night together at the BBQ then back at my room, he became my BFFFB, and all because I called him hot and slapped him lol. Direct is best!!
jillybeaner
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 04:04 pm: [report]
Gee, maybe if I punched a guy out I could get the man of my dreams?
equnsuocha
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 04:14 pm: [report]
T’is possible
It wasnt like I hauled off and cracked him one, it was a gentle slap in the face :p
NomChompsky
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
I always just assumed when women liked you they would grab your crotch and grunt. Perhaps I’m reading too much into this evolutionary psychology.
ChoJinn
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 05:06 pm: [report]
I’m all for pandering to the lowest common denominator Phil, but Jesus Christ. What is subtle to one woman is slutty to the next. Guys aren’t aren’t being obtuse when they fail to react to b.s. feminine wiles; they’re indifferent. If a guy worth your time is interested, he’ll let you know.
Ciao99
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 05:36 pm: [report]
I agree with the ladies that think being direct is best. But a guy wants to think you are being direct just for him. If he thinks you are that bold with all the men, it’s over!
CaityB
wrote on October 20 2009 @ 06:16 pm: [report]
Dang. It’s not necessary to be so direct all the time - it’s called flirting, and it’s fun. That doesn’t mean you want a date.
jadoremode
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 02:52 am: [report]
I must have been a guy in my past life….I’m terrible at picking up hints. I mean I can kind of tell but then I’m like..okay like this one guy last week, totally hot, kept flirting with me, touching my back, asking me to dance, blah blah, I didn’t realize that he was flirting with me until he called me back to say goodbye to me. And also begged me to go to hang out with him even going as far to pay for my ride home. Yeah, I’m slow.
But yeah, as @CaityB, I agree, there’s NO need to be skanky or all up on them. Just be who you are, if subtle works for you then don’t change your flirting tactics because some article tells you to.
Mainer
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 06:25 am: [report]
Easist thing a girl can do to show me she is interested: SMILE. That is subtle but obvious at the same time. If I check you out from across the room and you look at me and smile then I’ll probably walk over to talk to you. If you give me the finger, I’ll get the message and keep looking.
bogart4017
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 12:37 pm: [report]
I’m one of the slow ones. Except for the breakup thing women have tried all of these on me at one point or another and it never failed to go over my head. Its actually so funny. Once i had no idea that this woman was first trying to trick me into sex. It went over my head. Then she tried to trick me into sex so she could get pregnant. I totally slept that. After months she got exasperated and started waving a VD test result under my nose. When i asked what the hell did i want to see that for she finally said “Lamebrain, i want a sperm donor and you got great genes. We can do this the regular way or you can use a cup. How about it?”
I never felt so (s)low in my entire life.
ootie grl
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
I also have always just been direct. I dont waste time waiting for guys to notice me. I go for it. It works.
DancingGeek
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 05:57 pm: [report]
I disagree with #2 - An intelligent man not only understands verbal innuendo, but gives as good as he gets.
Completely agree with #4- you have to break it off and leave no hope - no maybe I’ll call you, no “we’ll see” it’s unfair. I think most men are better at this than most women.
tigerstripe
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 06:09 pm: [report]
These tips are all pretty much blatantly obvious and oversimplified. Vinospizzo is right, it sounds more like a Cosmo article than anything.
onewriter
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 08:36 pm: [report]
I like the smile and be your self thing. It works. Everybody looks better when they smile. And if there’s interest, he’ll notice you.
draymond
wrote on October 21 2009 @ 09:29 pm: [report]
Let me simplify this article.
Guys are not into subtlety. Period. Any subtle little hint you think that you are throwing at him is being missed. And I mean all of them. The only thing more futile than thinking that a guy is picking up on your coy hints is thinking that he knows you so well that he can read your mind and doesn’t (or shouldn’t) need hints.
The other problem with subtlety is that it tends to get misinterpreted. So my first thought at ‘I’m tired’ signals is she’s going to be to too uninterested or tired to want to have sex tonight. Might as well just have fun here.
Blazicus
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:59 am: [report]
i can pick up on subtlety but i also absolutely hate it. i am never subtle when i find a woman attractive i usually just tell them so.
#1 - i totally agree with this assessment happens all the time to me.
MuchoMacho
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:02 am: [report]
the thing with being subtle is - weve had is pounded into our heads that unwanted sexual attention is harassment… so many of us want to be SURE before we make a move.
onewriter
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:55 am: [report]
right. I for one, forgot about the harassment wave that went around for a while. lame.
onewriter
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:58 am: [report]
btw…I think it’s better to look DOWN than just away when you do #1. Plus, you’re usually smiling, so you’re not just glancing over at someone and then dissing them…just a thought
Frederica Bimble
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:06 pm: [report]
#4 isn’t unique to women. As a matter of fact - NONE of these are unique to women.
I have yet to meet a man who fits the stereotype of this writer.
Ridiculous, indeed.
Dave The Rave
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 03:47 pm: [report]
I love how guys are 99.9% told that we are ‘bad’, ‘don’t get it’, ‘wouldn’t understand’, and in general can’t please a woman unless we abide by her every wish and command. That’s probably why a bunch of us guys are single.
I had a woman hit on me and I laughed it off. She tried again, we both laughed and became friends. Another one lied to me and then confessed ever though I did not offer to go on a date. Women are strange creatures!
Men of the world unite! If a woman wants to drop subtle hints, pay attention. And, if you want to deliver subtle hints to her, make sure she understands.
SatomiRoberts
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:20 pm: [report]
My boyfriend is rather clueless many times, and I find it both very adorable and somewhat of a turnon as well as extremely frustrating at times. so frustrating that I cried and slapped him one night after we had JUST had a 20 minute conversation of everything innuendo and then some and used the phrase “fun in bed” and he completely missed the innuendo. the look on his face when he realized it after I slapped him…wow. He almost wanted to cry cause he was embarassed that he didnt get it. and he admits after the fact that it was an incredibly blunt statement. the reason im not saying what I said is cause I honestly dont remember. but yea. other times I just say screw it and pounce him. and then he gets it. ^^
_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:25 pm: [report]
@SatomiRoberts: As *sam* and a few others can attest, your boyfriend is vastly less clueless than I. Someone else just saw the old video of me (they can fess up if they want) and itemized all of the obvious clues I missed. I am certain that, if he saw it, he’d see the clues. So he could be worse.
*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:30 pm: [report]
@_jsw_: *sigh* but your cluelessness just makes you so darn cute and innocent!!
_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:35 pm: [report]
@*sam*: And frustrating. Don’t forget frustrating.
paul
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 06:53 am: [report]
“and the games people play now!” If you are interested just cut to the chase and say so
SCRMOM
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 07:45 am: [report]
@_jsw_: I’m sure the person didn’t detail ALL of the signs you missed. She’d still be typing if that was the case…;)
_jsw_
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 08:01 am: [report]
@SCRMOM: I think your abbreviated list, which took 38 pages to print, was a sufficient start. I look forward to your analysis of the second minute of the video, and so forth. Meanwhile, I’ll try to memorize your advice as I finish tinkering with that time machine.
SCRMOM
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 08:13 am: [report]
@_jsw_: I’m very thorough - this is going to take awhile.
BigDreams09
wrote on October 23 2009 @ 09:20 am: [report]
I’ve gotten the look and look away so many times and I always thought it was an insult. Now it’s good to know that they’re interested…or are they?
rrtt11
wrote on October 29 2009 @ 07:31 pm: [report]
I have always fancied myself pretty good at the repartee, innuendo, and flirting at least once I know it is happening.
However, For years I always had women coming up to me and saying that I looked familiar and did I know them. It happened many, many times and I would look them in the face and sincerely and honestly answer “I don’t think so but I seem to have a really common face” and then would proceed to leave as just a friendly question and not think much of it.
I ACTUALLY believed I just had a common face.
About 5 years ago a dating psychologist was on the radio naming the top 5 pickup lines women use to pick up men.
You guessed it one of the top ones was “Do I know you? You look familiar.”
I can’t describe the wave of regret and utter stupidity I felt. So many opportunities lost and possibly dismissing the love of life as if I were Forest Gump at a political debate.
Yodar Critch
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 09:58 am: [report]
@CaityB ,
Well that is my problem. How am I supposed to know if a lady is flirting but does not want a date and flirting but does want a date?
Flip a coin?
Heff
wrote on November 3 2009 @ 06:42 pm: [report]
It’s true. Every word of this article is true.
A Man is a 200-pound hairy animal that believes “subtlety” is what you do with a golf club if you’re reeeeely reeeeely good. If you want us to hear you speak, then SPEAK dammit!! Our ears aren’t broken… But asking where our sweater was purchased is NOT NOT NOT the same thing as asking if we’re free for lunch sometime. We don’t EAT sweaters! Sweaters are NEVER lunch!!! EVER!!
Just TELL US what you’re really thinking. Please. Just please…
AlekNovy
wrote on December 26 2009 @ 04:09 am: [report]
I agree with C.Munro - the biggest issue isn’t the subtlety, its the inconsistency.
Ya, we suck at subtlety, but as we get older, and more experienced, we pick up more and more of the subtle stuff, until we can see most of it.
The real problem? Inconsistency. No two women send the same set of signals with the same meaning. Every woman is unique. And that’s obviously a good thing.
The thing is, too many women today seem to think that we’re supposed to mind-read and posses telepathic skills.
We’re constantly burned by this. A woman gives you every clue in the book, you ask her out, and she shuts you down with a look of “how dare you ask me out”... Another woman, she act colds, gives mono-syllabic responses and has her arms crossed, later you find out from a friend that she felt rejected over why you didn’t ask her out… Go figure.
Uniqueness is a great thing, the part that’s frustrating when you hear women complaining about how men don’t get it… Some even get angry over it, like “this retard, I gave him every clue, and he still didn’t do anything, what a moron”.
That’s why I recommend and stand by two recommendations to both male and female friends.
1) Men do not approach, or ask out any woman, at any time - wait for her to do the approaching, asking out, escalation, or at least direct, verbal interest. Personally I refuse to do anything unless a woman verbally lets me know. No matter how hard she tries the subtlety game, I refuse to play it.
2) Befriend women. A lot of guys are confused with recommendation one… Like, wait, am I going to be alone for the rest of my life? Women don’t approach or ask guys out… To which I respond - They do, just not you… What you can focus on, instead of “getting women” is befriending and becoming a great friend to women. Just focus on being a really, really great friend without wanting anything more. If she’s interested, she’ll make the move, or say something more direct. And if she’s really interested, but still can’t make the move, even though you two are so intimate as close friends… Than why would you want to be with her? If she can’t muster the courage to make a move to someone close, she’s not worth it anyway.
The subtlety game is killing both genders, and causes a lot of drama, conflict, frustration… And it needs to be out-evolved. My suggestion is a very win-win situation… More and more men and women becoming close friends, with the men wanting nothing more than to respect and appreciate the woman as just another friend, on par with his male friends.