The 24 Types Of Sex

I don’t know what you did last night, hot stuff. But I have a feeling one of these lines might make you blush. Let’s talk about sex, baby! And all the different ways we get down and dirty.

1. Break Up: When you know you’ll never do it again ... sigh. Didn’t we almost have it all? Well, now I’ll have you one last time.

2. Make Up: I nearly lost you. But now that I can do you again, I will do you again, and with extra enthusiasm.

3. Thank You: Those diamond earrings just earned you the BJ of your life. You made me grateful, now I want you to be too.

4. Hate: Your dream girl is Sarah Palin, while I campaigned for Obama. Let’s stop debating and start really messing with each other’s point of view.

5. Drunken: Too screwed-up to completely screw. You’re way sedated and can’t get off, so you just pass out.

6. Too Tired: Like doin’ it with a sex doll. You’re too sleepy to get creative, athletic, or orgasmic. But the other person isn’t…

7. One-Night Stand: Could overlap with the drunken, hate, and pity screws. But there’s something so seductive about doin’ it like there’s no tomorrow.

8. Reckless: You go so wild, something breaks. Hopefully, it’s the lamp on your nightstand, not something that’ll land you on our list of Weird Sex Accidents.

9. Pity: You feel bad for him, and before you know it, he’s feeling you up. Later, you feel bad for yourself.

10. Wedding Night: Even if you’ve waited until marriage to get it on, you’re pooped from partying. But you want to seal that deal ASAP to make those I dos legal. Which brings us to…

11. Morning: As ‘60s folk swinger Donovan can tell you, he always wakes up ready to go. Convenient.

12. Afternoon Delight: AKA “The Nooner.” You got a lunch hour, and that is all the time you need to meet up and beat it.

13. Can’t Sleep: I can’t sleep. So, I’m going to wake you—all of you—up.

14. Teary: Sometime you cry because it’s so good, sometimes you cry because it’s so bad.

15. Quickie: You’re on the go and you need to get some, fast. It’s amazing how you can get off in 15 minutes, when, say, you’re worried someone will figure out what you’re doing in that airplane bathroom.

16. Pitch A Tent: Two floozies in a flimsy shelter is strangely sexy, even to a city girl. Hey, in a small space, you gotta make do.

17. Guilt: You owe them one for that nice steak dinner. And you know if you screw them, you’ll settle the score.

18. Like A Virgin: When you decide to do something kinky that you’ve never done, you’re not just knockin’ boots, and your knees are knocking too. You feel so innocent, even if you’re an experienced woman like Madonna.

19. First Time: A ceremonial/painful rite of passage. Whether it’s replete with scented candles and slow jams or a tumble in the back of his truck, it’s always an eye opener.

20. Phone/IM/Cyber: Technology is really doin’ it! But you have to be a good actor to make these as exciting.

21. Bad: Sometimes it’s too late to realize you’ve got no chemistry and they’ve got no skills.

22. Reunion: Taking a stroll down memory lane. You think you know all his/her moves, but then they surprise you with what they’ve learned since you last boned. Just try not to think about who taught them those extras.

23. Meat &  Potatoes: You’ve got it down. Kiss kiss, bang bang. Works every time.

24. Trophy: You just want to win one. You are a sex champion, my friend.