22 Things You Should Never Do In Bed
Posted by: Simcha Whitehill
Filed in:
sex
10:30AM, Tuesday May 12th 2009
Once, I got drunk at a wedding and took home a yuppie. He looked so cute in his white tux and charmed me into dancing to Earth, Wind & Fire. Needless to say, I couldn’t wait to take that stallion for a ride. But, as I unzipped his pants, he said, “Don’t get excited, you won’t be impressed.” A small penis never ruined my good time—until then. Things went from bad to worse. He was a deep-breathing whiner who just lay on his back because, he warned me, “Girls only get off when they’re on top.” Something tells me those other ladies weren’t given any other option—and they definitely didn’t orgasm. There are some things—like selling yourself short and telling someone how to get off—that you should never say or do during sex ...
- Scream someone else’s name.
- Admit you have an STD—after you’ve already had sex.
- Ask to borrow money.
- Watch TV, unless it’s porn.
- Mention your mother, father, or any other relative, for that matter.
- Baby talk (example: “Put your wee wee in my no-no place.”)
- Snort like a pig.
- Roll your eyes because you’re bored, not ecstatic.
- Puke, fart, or you know.
- Cry.
- Point and laugh, no matter where you’re pointing.
- Ask if your dog/cat/pet can hop on the bed.
- Complain about a body part, whether it’s yours or his.
- Make your grocery list.
- Itch like a bitch.
- Check your Blackberry, write a text, or Twitter.
- Mention your time in prison.
- Try to tell a joke. Knock-knock?
- Make fun of your partner.
- Compare the sex to the way your ex did it.
- Set a stopwatch.
- Do an impression of their O face.
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Kiki T
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]
ha ha ha…this list brought back memories, ha ha ha
joyy
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 10:50 am: [report]
lmao @ #22
Humble Bee
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]
i. am. freaking. dying.
This is so funny.
Ughhh my ex would do #4, it was always Jay leno in the background and he’d randomly start laughing, then I’d think, now wonder your not hard enough, your freaking watching Tv, you bastard.
bislane
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 11:29 am: [report]
@humble bee: he seriously watched tv during sex?! and i thought #4 was a big joke… o.0
cattgirl813
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 11:30 am: [report]
Oh my goodness, this is a classic. Someone close to me once told me about a guy she was with who growled like a dog during sex. She thought her dog had snuck in the room. As for me, I have a tendency to laugh sometimes at the big moment. Make it a point to let a guy know way before we get busy and several times during just to make it plain I’m laughing with pleasure, not at him.
IrinaGonzalez
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]
haha very funny list!
tho the crying thing… I’ve heard it happen to friends who felt overwhelmed by the emotion of love. Sometimes you can’t help it!
but everything else is right on target.
Knina
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 11:44 am: [report]
#4 Should have an addendum: This can apply to music as well! Yes we all have tunes that are perfect for getting it on. However, this can go awry.
My ex dated a girl who insisted on having sex to the Rent soundtrack. Um yeah…cuz an AIDS musical puts me in the mood?
Also, don’t attempt to make out to stand up comedy whether its Leno or something off the ipod. I’ve had this unintentionally occur. We had to change it cuz I kept catching jokes & laughing. At least in my experience the guy was for lessening my distraction (Humble Bee: that just sucks, I’m glad he is an ex now)
retro chic
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
Ha ha, Simcha! “I once got drunk at a wedding and took home a yuppie.” At first I thought you said “puppy!” But I guess he turned out to be a small tale in your memoirs anyway. Snickeringly good words to live by, Simcha!
In homage, how about “Never…
√ Say you want his/her baby while O-ing.
√ Karaoke to corny mood(killer)-music mixes
√ Extoll the success of your gyno or psych meds
√ Arrive rudely unpedicured in satin sheets
√ Read lists of Things You Should Never Do In Bed”
40yrolddad
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 12:16 pm: [report]
this wasn’t “in bed” but re: #4 years ago (15+) I was at a nudey bar for a friends bachelor party when a friend paid for me to have a lap dance (don’t know why - I wasn’t the groom to be). the “performance” was enjoyable until another friend pointed to a TV and said my school was winning a football game against someone to whom we were a HUGE underdog (like 17 pts). my face lit up & I quickly moved my head to the side to see the TV - she did NOT see the humor in this (although she did grab/redirect my head to her and finished her dance)... :D
forgive me, I was in my early 20s…
downtheroad
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 01:24 pm: [report]
My ex wore took everything off but his socks and it bugged me the whole time. I wish I could block that whole experience from my mind.
becktasm
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 01:30 pm: [report]
Hahaha. Regarding #1, one time I yelled Optimus Prime in bed, but it was OBVIOUSLY a joke. My boyfriend at the time and I had just seen Transformers, and I spent the whole time waxing poetic about what a hottie Optimus was, so I thought it’d be funny. My boyfriend did not agree, and actually stopped, got up, and left the room because he was so pissed.
Essentially, what I’m getting at is that my ex was jealous of fictional robot. And that was the funniest part of all. My boyfriend now says that were I to yell Optimus Prime in bed with him, he would be insanely flattered.
joyy
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 01:37 pm: [report]
@becktasm - that’s the funniest thing I’ve heard in a long time. thank you!
Lynn
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 02:03 pm: [report]
@downtheroad - hahaha I just out and out REFUSE to have sex with anyone if they still have their socks on. I can make out in socks IF we are still wearing clothes. But as SOON as the pants come off, preferably sooner, the socks must be off too or else no one is getting lucky. I have just stopped and stared at his feet before, until he got the point!
@becktasm - HAHAHAHA that is hysterical. Let’s be friends.
Simcha
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 02:25 pm: [report]
@retro chic
those are gooood…I hate it when my satin sheets get scuffed!
robf
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 05:33 pm: [report]
@downtheroad & @lynn….What is it about socks that is so ridiculous? I ask out of honest curiosity, because I’ve been scolded to take the damn socks off more than once. I try to remember to lose them first now.
Regarding the article, I had to google #9, and I’m sorry I did.
downtheroad
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 05:55 pm: [report]
@robf - Well, it’s kind of embarrassing but I personally just have a weird hatred for socks other than my own. I don’t know why, they just gross me out. But also, in my case, I just thought he looked ridiculous fully naked and then wearing dark socks. It was just too awkward for me.
Tigerlilly
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 06:15 pm: [report]
#9: Horrifying. And yes, I farted once during sex (ok, twice). My bad. It was completely by accident . . . you know, a nice dinner, a bottle of wine, I was relaxed and getting busy with my man, and bam. Out it snuck. Right in the middle of sex. No warning or anything. I was MORTIFIED but he totally realized it and let it slide. About 3 minutes later, BAM again. I could’ve just crawled into a hole at that point. There was no ignoring the second blast . . . it sooooo ruined the moment. For him, because um, duh. For me, because I was deathly afraid of it happening a third time and I was on total alert.
robf
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 06:15 pm: [report]
@downtheroad - Yes, it’s the ridiculous socks-only look that I’ve been told to AVOID at all costs. I’m just so unabashedly fashion-dumb that I never think of it on my own.
omgemilyissohot
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 06:45 pm: [report]
My ex and I started getting it on and Mad TV came on in the background. Not a big deal until the first sketch they did was about accidental pregnancy. I’ve never seen two people dive for a remote so fast in my life.
retro chic
wrote on May 12 2009 @ 09:12 pm: [report]
Tigerlilly. [dabbing with tissue] I’m laughing so hard I just woke my daughter up. She wants to know why I’m crying and thinks I’m dying right now. And I am. And apparently you did, too! Tho, I’m sure the laughing part came later.
Simcha, as for me, all I can say is… combining 7 (from laughing), 10 (from laughing, and 11 (laughing) will result in a super bubble—from your nose. Very sexy.
juliePS
wrote on May 13 2009 @ 05:51 am: [report]
the first time my boyfriend and I hooked up, he put the tv on to cover up the noise, and CNN was on in the background. Not just CNN but LARRY KING INTERVIEWING JIMMY CARTER. Now whenever I’m mocking myself for doing something dumb, he’ll say “at least you didn’t think it was a good idea to listen to Jimmy Carter during sex.”
Poor boy is like a manual of things not to do in the sack. The first time I had an orgasm with him, he told me I was being too loud.
Thank the sweet lord in heaven he doesn’t do #6, because I once dated a THIRTY-FOUR-YEAR-OLD MAN who referred to his junk as his “wee wee” and it just about destroyed my will to live.
Lynn
wrote on May 13 2009 @ 09:57 am: [report]
@robf - it just looks really silly, and no one can be sexy wearing just socks! Especially crew socks….I don’t know, it’s just an article of clothing that cannot ever look good on its own! My ladyboner shuts down when I see that
wonder_bread
wrote on May 13 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
same here. no socks. they ruin the mood…. if im totaly naked ur totally naked socks included and don’t forget it.
robf
wrote on May 13 2009 @ 01:59 pm: [report]
So…rule of thumb would be to lose the socks before anything else comes off?
robf
wrote on May 13 2009 @ 03:44 pm: [report]
Oh, and whoever edited #9….Thank you!
Although a fart is embarrassing, it’s pretty excusable, I think. Just laugh about it and carry on.
retro chic
wrote on May 13 2009 @ 05:04 pm: [report]
Haha, alright, robf… as you may have read (my comment @“Tigerlilly’s” N°9) earlier, *that* subject completely kills us at our house. Also, it’s easy to laugh, but hard to “carry on” as you say, when you have a dog that will “out you” even before the silent ones are fait accompli, with a special bark. So, I have to warn guests/men, esp in advance of sex, ‘cause she (our dog, aka The Fart Alarm) will bust you outside a closed door—and try to bite them other times! Funny when warned, mortifying to the humorless few in the dark. File under “TMI.”
ohmygollygarsh
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 06:38 am: [report]
7 Things Not To Do In Bed
1. Clip Your Toenails (eating them is optional)
2. Eat Fried Chicken
2. Queef On Demand
3. Make Grape Drink
4. Apply Deodorant
5. Talk About Ex
6. Describe Disgestive Problems
7. Admit That You Used To Have A Penis
Lynn
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 12:41 pm: [report]
@robf - yes! perfect rule of thumb
stormygirl
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
I read this and I was laughing my ass off!! tooo funny! I agree that no one should wear socks to bed. to be completely naked except for the socks is completely ridiculous looking.
robf
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
@retro….*hilarious*!!!
Natasha
wrote on May 14 2009 @ 08:10 pm: [report]
LMAO I dated a guy once who he would try to sound all manly in bed but because he was so out of shape he would get all breathy and sound like a chick. Needless to say not attractive
landesign
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 09:32 pm: [report]
Thanks guys. This is the funniest read in a long time.
PinkRanger
wrote on May 16 2009 @ 10:03 pm: [report]
Right after I was done having sex with one guy for the first time *and I"m talking IMMEDIATELY after we were done* he says “Was that even good at all for you?” in the saddest most pathetic little voice. I felt bad for him for having such low self-esteem, but it was a definite turn off. first and last time we were together.
MissJennLynn
wrote on May 17 2009 @ 05:13 pm: [report]
#7 reminds me of my friend who lost her virginity to a guy that screamed out BA-CAW! when he came…
VocalVal
wrote on May 27 2009 @ 02:40 pm: [report]
I am totally guilty of #10. It was just that good. If I had had the energy to give him a standing ovation, I would have. But rest assured, there were parts of me applauding.
Emasaurus
wrote on June 23 2009 @ 06:49 am: [report]
My ex (french, arrogant twat) decided to continue reading a wikipedia article while I was giving him a bj! he then had the cheek to remark later that he found it difficult to orgasm when I gave him head…er well duh!
all other men have found it nigh on impossible to do anything while I’m doing that and I have recieved considerable praise lol, so it wasnt my lack of skill, just his lack of manners!
@beckstam thats fantastic, I laughed so hard
rebbecca
wrote on June 24 2009 @ 11:20 am: [report]
The all time classic “are you done yet?” was missing
dancerr10
wrote on July 31 2009 @ 09:16 am: [report]
number 7 is funny coz i was listening to the radio this morning and there was a guy calling in talking about a girl who he had sex with squealed like a pig when they were getting it on…
ickkkk??
Kristyn
wrote on August 3 2009 @ 04:44 am: [report]
@becktasm - That seriously amused me. My boyfriend is a huge transformers fan, though, so I doubt mine would get mad. He’d probably just laugh…. or enjoy it.