21 Halloween Costumes That Will Not Get You Laid

Kate Torgovnick
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 07:04 am: [report]

Oh goodness. The genie costume just made me laugh so hard I almost cried. Absolutely amazing. Although am I wrong for kind of wanting the Blow Pop costume.

Anyway, Simcha, it’s so freaking good to have you back in action.

_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 07:16 am: [report]

Hmmm.

I get that I should avoid costumes that either show or insinuate giant penises. Check. And ones that make me look like lady bits. Check.

So what should I wear?

spatula
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 07:37 am: [report]

awful, every last one.

dandrean
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 07:55 am: [report]

the first like, three made me laugh. almost out loud. in the middle of class… the rest just ruined the joy of the first few.

Rose
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:07 am: [report]

@_jsw_: Don Draper costume.

MuchoMacho
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 08:48 am: [report]

1 – they forgot the thumb to rub the nub…
5 – that vagina costume is…  AWESOME!
11 – lol!  This would be funnier if you went out with a bunch of friends dressed as altar boys!

Frisky Noetic
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:25 am: [report]

Most of these cracked me up. I wouldn’t hit on a guy dressed up as a vag or boob- I’ve already got both that I play with; and to kiss up on a vag just wouldn’t do it for me. The expression of the guy in the picture where he is dressed up as a peen would keep me away, too. But everything else in my opinion is great. Naturally, if the guy wants to show a lot more skin, leave nothing to my imagination, then that is even better.

_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:26 am: [report]

@Rose: And be like half the other guys this year? No thanks. :D

*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:34 am: [report]

@_jsw_: (this really only works if you have a group of ppl but)

one year, a (much older) friend of mine had his son and his sons friends all dress up as the monks from the Holy Grail. He said he wrote the hymn down for them and none of them broke character the entire time. He also said that 1/2 the people in his neighborhood thought they were a cult while the other 1/2 thought it was hysterical and took pictures.

_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:36 am: [report]

@sam*: I’m shocked that you would like an idea that involved Monty Python. Shocked.

*sam*
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:41 am: [report]

@_jsw_: you’re a terrible liar ;P

GreenAura
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 09:46 am: [report]

I love the Droopers costume.  That was awesome.

Jill
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 10:32 am: [report]

I’ve actually always thought the chick magnet one is adorable. 

Rose
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]

@_jsw_, well what about Adam Lambert then?  Nude woman optional .

_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:42 am: [report]

@Jill: Sadly, as it’s a horseshoe magnet, it’ll only attract heavy metal chicks who are already down near his crotch. You’d think, at that point, that the magnet would be unnecessary, especially since it’d pull them up away from there. I’d think, at least for Halloween drinking parties, that a bar magnet would work better.

@Rose: I’m not sure that’s the message I want to send, but I’ll give it a shot. The tough part will be finding someone who would be willing to be naked here in New England at the end of October….

bumbler
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 11:46 am: [report]

I have to say the free mammogram doctor is played out by every fraternity in the US.

C.Munro
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:02 pm: [report]

Priest with a boner is hilarious.  And dressing up as Hef could be cool, provided it weren’t with that cheesy costume and a bubble-blowing pipe were one of the props. 

Then again, I don’t care if my Halloween costume gets me laid.  It’s Halloween.  I’ll be drinking my junk into a three-day coma anyway.  I’d rather get laughs than laid.

_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:05 pm: [report]

@bumbler: Indeed. It’s unfortunate and downright surprising that sororities haven’t taken up the torch and started free testicular cancer exam doctor costumes as a trend.

@C.Munro: Eventually, the latter becomes more appealing than the former.

C.Munro
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:09 pm: [report]

If you’re talking about laughter and sex, well, I’d say you’ve got it backwards.  The older I get, the less fun sex becomes and the more I enjoy simpler pleasures, such as alcohol and terrible jokes.

_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:28 pm: [report]

@C.Munro: I agree in general, but what I meant was that after enough time with just the former and not the latter, the laughs stop holding as much appeal.

C.Munro
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:33 pm: [report]

I once went eight years without.  Laughter was what got me though.  Different perspective, I guess.

_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:36 pm: [report]

@C.Munro: I too wander the Sexless Desert. Laughter is my manna. But, after a while… I’d like something different to eat.

Frederica Bimble
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:45 pm: [report]

C Munro and jsw:  Wow. 
Booze and jokes can go with sex just as easily and they can be on their own.
We are creatures who are able to engage in this particular pleasure.  If you get no joy out of it, then fair enough but denying yourself for whatever psychological reason you have inside of you, isn’t going to make you happy in the long run and let’s be realistic - we all owe it to ourselves - and the rest of the world - to be happy. 
If you’re happy then you send it out to others.  True.

bumbler
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:51 pm: [report]

@jsw I’ll offer free testicular exams with my foot for any guy wearing a cliche Halloween costume.  Mammograms with my fist for women wearing lingerie with a last minute accessory ie “I’m a cat, see the ears?” “I’m a fireman, see the hat?”

I have to say my husband won my heart the year he dressed as Jiggly Puff for Halloween, complete with child’s styrofoam form on his 6’3” frame.  Adorably geeky.  I was Mr. Orange from Reservoir Dogs since I didn’t get the memo that I was supposed to wear a bra, panties and animal ears.

_jsw_
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 12:58 pm: [report]

@Frederica Bimble: My reasons for wandering that desert didn’t include “because I prefer it.”

@bumbler: I would love to see you wandering through the insanity that is Halloween near here in Salem, MA (where I used to live). The mayhem and damage you could cause would bring tears of joy to my eyes.

C.Munro
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 01:12 pm: [report]

@Frederica Bimble:  Yeah, it’s not like I intentionally set out to go that long.  But to be fair, that was from the ages 18-26, and admittedly I didn’t have the healthiest attitude about sex back then. 

I definitely wouldn’t say that I get no joy from it now, but it isn’t as exciting as it once was either.  And one of the things my past has taught me is that while sex can be pretty fun, it is by no means the only joy available in life.  It’s something people can share, but I’ve learned to share it cautiously. 

I’m not talking about an everyday preference for booze and bad jokes, either.  This is Halloween, y’know.  It’s such a great night for a party.  If you’re going to get loaded and be completely tasteless, I can’t think of a better occasion for it. 

I think I’m going to dress up as Booger, from Revenge of the Nerds, this year.

retro chic
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 01:54 pm: [report]

@C.Munro and @jsw: Yeah, definitely laughs over sex on Halloween. What a mess anyway.

I’ll see the Priest With a Boner and raise it with a Pregnant Nun. True story. It was righteously hot – in my formerly irreverent days, going for the shock factor. It was hilarious, alright, only because I didn’t have the foresight to pick up on the fact that it was party of mostly jewish friends. So, my trip to hell was again stayed, and instead I was stuck in the purgatory of explanations all night long to “vaht? you can’t have sex?” and “huh? I don’t get it.”

Know your target audience, I always say.

Rose
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 01:54 pm: [report]

@_jsw_, well, I was planning to go to a key party that night, so that’s sort of the same as going out nude.  But I don’t live in New England so it doesn’t solve your problem.

SCRMOM
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 02:08 pm: [report]

@retro chic:  I have a Jewish friend that dressed up as foreskin, and his girlfriend went as a mohel.  Another year, they went as dog (her) and dog #&@$% (him).

retro chic
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]

@scrmom: Haha. Same effect, I assume?

Unless they were at a party of Buddhists (either year).

Secret Story Time
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 03:05 pm: [report]

You keep those costumes!  I want the ones that WILL get me laid.

Secretia

Shasta
wrote on October 25 2009 @ 03:16 pm: [report]

Very timely post:

Friends and I were observing the paradox that is Halloween.  Guys dress like 12-year-olds, and girls dress like total whores.  And they DO NOT find the 12-year-old penis costumer/LARPER sexy. 

Guys, October 31 is a CandyStore.  Make a tiny effort and the world will be your oyster.

TinaLish
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 09:09 am: [report]

Seriously, why?  Why on earth would anyone even consider wearing such things?  WHY?!  The Playboy, and Chick Magnet costumes weren’t bad at all, but every other one??? Really?

I guess anything goes these days, eh? 

If a guy tried talking to me dressed up in anything like that, I’d be like, “How bout…no?”

And then I’d run.

Ghirardelli
wrote on October 30 2009 @ 09:05 pm: [report]

These are the dumbest costumes I’ve ever seen.