20 Things Every Woman Should Do Before She Gets Married

DancerNinja
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:15 am: [report]

I lived with a Significant Figure for over a year some time ago, and it made me think that if/when I get married, I want him living next door.

wonder_bread
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:16 am: [report]

9 and 17 i can do without… i’d rather not waste my time to begin with the guy for nine and 17 is just plain nerve racking.. especially when u want to remember… but the rest i can, for the most part, agree with… give or take a birthday

Tim
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:17 am: [report]

Great list, I would add 2 things:
1.  Babysit someone’s toddlers for a weekend.
2.  Travel overseas

sparklestar
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:22 am: [report]

I did all of these things. Awesome. I’m celebrating my 26th birthday next February but oh wait…!

Student loans is just silly. We get 0% on ours right now in the UK so if you think I’m going to bend over backwards to pay back something that doesn’t affect my credit rating…

Naneenya
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:25 am: [report]

I would add “Know how cook for 1… and for 10”  Not that it’s a prerequisite for marriage, but it helps a person be well rounded if they can throw together some food for herself or for company.

bogart4017
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:40 am: [report]

I Co-sign Naneenya—-please please know how to cook! lol

wonder_bread
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]

yes know how to cook i so agree… and baby sit, get a feel for what it’d be like so you know whether you want to be bothered or not. i’d suggest having a job/career and having a driver’s license i cant begin to count the number of ppl i kno marriaged and cant take themselves no where due to laziness.

saramarie
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 10:52 am: [report]

I absolutely agree with most of these, especially #1….but disagree with #20. I was married last year at 24 and couldn’t imagine celebrating my 25th with anyone other than my husband.

VsegdaOdna
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 11:23 am: [report]

Seems 7 and 15 are the only ones I really need to work on. Currently working on both…and I have a few that fit 15, but theyve all moved to random parts of the country.

Ive got 1-12 and 14, taken care of. Never needed to do 16…I love my parents and always have. 17 has been done multiple times. WOrking on 13…1 week til the last Ex deploys and the drama level decreases 10 fold. Got to wait 9 more months til I can achieve number 20

Definitely a good list!

Chebs
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 11:33 am: [report]

I definitely agree with Tim’s #2 to travel overseas.  I feel like I missed a lot of opportunities to go abroad while I was in college because my ex didn’t want me to go (yes, I was an idiot and passed up Japan, Russia, and Spain because he told me to).  And now, with my current bf, he already did a ton of traveling while he was in the Marines.  I really feel like I missed out on some neat experiences, chances to grow, and chances to learn more about myself by not going.  I’d still go on vacation in a heartbeat, but it’s not really the same as studying abroad.  Oh well.  Live and learn, and all that jazz.

Coral
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]

I have done 14 out of the 20 things already and I am only 18. I’m not sure if that’s a good or bad thing. Haha. But at least, I don’t plan on getting married—ever. I just want a relationship to last, but I will never let it drain on and on like marriages sometimes can. I think it’s unrealistic to think that one person you meet when you are between 25-40 is going to love you the same way when you met and that the love will last eternally. People change, and hopefully I will learn to change with a guy that I do eventually want to be with.

Still, I think this list is important because it celebrates the individuality and independence needed for relationships/marriage.

jojo32
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 11:51 am: [report]

Great list!  Good luck to you Wendy…

Queen Frostine
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 12:00 pm: [report]

What the hell does marriage have to do with these items? Can’t we just say, things to do before you’re 25? Tacking the word marriage onto the list implies that these things will somehow prepare you for married life or that you must do them now before you lose your “freedom”. Like there’s some sort of cut-off date for buying frivolous things or traveling somewhere exotic or finding hobbies. Or that casual sex / flings are helpful ways to embrace your independence (not in my opinion).

Looking at this list, it would appear that marriage is like a death knell for independence. It’s not. Many things on this list I could never have accomplished without my husband, like getting my finances in order, settling debt or traveling over seas. And many things (like vacation flings) are not in line with my morals and would never be considered. Yet I feel I’ve lived a very rich life so far.

Marriage is what you make of it. It’s not about sowing as many wild oats as you can before the shackles are placed on. Independence is something that should be celebrated LIFE LONG.

sadie
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 12:30 pm: [report]

I didn’t take this as an indicator that marriage==jail. To me this is a list of things to do to gain enough maturity and life experience to make an important decision.

All of these things are not for ALL people but they are probably a good idea for a lot of people. It’s good to have a variety of life experience before you settle down. You get a better sense of self and what you want in a life partnership when you’ve lived a little. Most people also change a lot in their 20s and what you want at 22 may not be the same as what you want at 32.

Some people aren’t the sexual fling type, but I’ve seen way too many cases of people who said it wasn’t for them, got married after having very little or no sexual experience and later regretted it/cheated/got divorced/suddenly decided they were bissexual when really they were just desperate to sleep with anyone other than their spouse. It doesn’t happen to 100% of the people who marry with minimal/no sexual experience but it definitely happens a lot.

sarahprotzman
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 01:35 pm: [report]

I can check off all of those! Guess I’m ready Great list, Wendy, and congrats on your upcoming wedding!

bbpickles
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 04:18 pm: [report]

@Sadie- I agree, this list is to prepare you to make a great decision!!!

CHECK!  Except student loans, I am in school now so I haven’t put a huge dent in them yet.
The mending a broken heart was #1 on my mom’s list.  She always told me that knowing how to recover from a broken heart will prepare you for anything!

crustee
wrote on July 13 2009 @ 08:16 pm: [report]

Wasn’t this the plot of “Crossroads?”

Queen Frostine
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 08:13 am: [report]

“It’s good to have a variety of life experience before you settle down.”

I’ve never “settled down” and I’m married. This is what I was referring to. No one has to “settle down”. Ever. And while I agree that people need to gain maturity and life experience to make an important decision like marriage, this list is not representative of things that will give you maturity and life experience. Sleeping in a queen-sized bed by oneself, frivolous purchases, exotic locations, dating a guy your mom hates and a night you can’t remember do not breed maturity.

I did three of these things before marrying, but I was very mature at the time. And friends of mine would have done them all and are still not mature enough to deal with the basics in life. It’s not the experiences themselves that mature us. It’s the choices we make based upon learning from them.

majicksand
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 08:21 am: [report]

I maybe did 9 of the items on the list—and that’s with really generous interpretation.  I can honestly say I wish I had been mature enough to have done a few more.  I have not travelled nearly as much as I would like for starters.  I would like to point out though, my lack of travel is because I had children before I went anywhere, not because I got married.  I certainly wouldn’t trade my children for a safari in Africa or a tour of Europe, but admittedly exotic travel became out of the question once the financial and time constraints of children kicked in.

Unless you are independently wealthy, travel first kids later.  Trust me.

Kesseire
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 03:50 pm: [report]

I agree with Queen Frostine.

I met my future husband when I was 17. I knew I had a good thing with him. Why break up just to get the “experiences” with other people someone else thinks I should want? Our relationship hasn’t stopped my husband and I from traveling, exploring our spiritualities, having tons of great experiences, and enjoying an awesome sex life which has always been leaps and bounds better than those of my single friends’. I’m better, not worse, off for choosing the experiences I did.

Maturity and wisdom come from how you analyze yourself and think about things, not from the actions that you take. That’s why these advice columns telling people what they “should” be doing are not only stupid, but dangerous - no two people live the same life, and no two people SHOULD. Everyone needs to carve their own path.

And, geez, of course people change. No one is the same at 22 as they are at 32, but they’re not the same at 42, 52, or 62, either. We don’t stop changing at some magic age. The key is to understanding yourself well enough to recognize what those changes are and, if you’re in a relationship, how to weather your changes smoothly and together.

GAgirlinNYC
wrote on July 14 2009 @ 08:23 pm: [report]

Great, great, great post!

I am 23 and the majority of my friends are trying to settle down, while I am still running from the thought of marriage. I definitely think these are life experiences you should knock out or you make wake up at 40 and be resentful. I also agree with the finance things, as they show you can take care of yourself before you try to take care of someone else.

Good luck, Wendy!

vaiaster
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 05:42 am: [report]

i also agree with queen frostine and kesseire. what one person classifies as “mature” and “grown up”, another may not. i did several of these things prior to “settling down”, if that’s what you want to call it, and marrying. i don’t think it’s considered “settled down”; it’s considering finding someone that’s great and allows you to be yourself 365 days each year. there are plenty of men in my past that i’m thankful i never married, though it took several years to realize and acknowledge this. i could’ve settled down earlier in life, i suppose, if i chose to; yet i wouldn’t be who i am today or where am i today had a chosen otherwise.

Penelope09
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 01:45 pm: [report]

I am 22, I just graduated college and moved in with my boyfriend of two years, who I have every intention of marrying. While I’ve done just about everything on that list, I can cross most of them out thanks to my boyfriend (except the obvies like #2 and #9), and I don’t think that makes me any less qualified for marriage. If you can do these things with your significant other without losing your sense of self, then I think you’re just as ready as anyone else. The most important thing to accomplish before you’re ready to share your life with someone else, in my opinion, is learn not to let anyone else define you.
My parents started dating at 16 and were married at 22, and are the two happiest, most individual people I know. And I know that if I broke it off with my boyfriend just because I haven’t lived with someone else for a year or had a vacation fling that didn’t end up in a live-in boyfriend (which is how I met him), then I know I’d be resentful at 40 for giving up a wonderful partner.

bobthe
wrote on July 15 2009 @ 06:41 pm: [report]

if anyone needs help with 4, 9 or 17 - please send me a pm.

that said, I don’t really approve of this list, not at all.

wonder_bread
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 10:33 am: [report]

@Kesseire i couldn’t have said it better… especially about the growing and changing… i constantly read about people growing apart and the excuse of not wanting or being the same as time goes but rarely do i hear about someone tryint grow and change with someone….marriage is work.. it takes growing together and getting to know each other in every season in life… and not just giving up becuz you don’t agree on something or fight alot.. it takes work

toyen
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 02:55 pm: [report]

Check and check for all. Except apparently I need to take a road-trip with a group of girlfriends. Of course, I could do that after getting hitched, too.

@ sparklestar - I do wish I had gone to college in the UK though. 0%!?

fifi
wrote on July 16 2009 @ 08:58 pm: [report]

I love your list!!! I can summarize it as: learn how to take care of yourself, accept the things that have happened in your life to make you who you are, and learn to find your own happiness!

I’m also quite happy to note that I can check of everything in your list except for the vacation fling (well, I had vacation flirtations). May I also add: learn how to cook, even the most basic stuff. Not for any “housewife-y” expectations, but because learning how to choose and prepare healthy food is crucial for a healthy couple/family.

Velahan
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 05:35 am: [report]

Um, no.

Three of the twenty things is having sex with someone.  So you’re saying that your husband has to be, at minimum, the fourth person you sleep with?

Lame.

lalaland
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 05:41 am: [report]

Wendy, love the list and hope the wedding goes smoothly! And just wanted to tell you my morning radio show read part of your list on the air this morning and talked about it! They all pretty much agreed with it (the Bert Show on Q100 in Atlanta)!

lalaland
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 05:48 am: [report]

And P.S. Velahan… there is only ONE item on the list that say’s anything about sex. Neither a vacation fling nor a night you don’t completely remember have to involve sex. Although apparently you assume they do…

Blondie8306
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 07:25 am: [report]

I love this list! I’m no where near getting married (you still have to have a man in your life first right?)

Its a good think I still have some time because I need to check off about 13 of those things still!

I did however celebrate my 25th birthday hardcore! You know what? I’m celebrating my 26th this year even more!

amblass
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 07:53 am: [report]

I think some of these are a good idea, but I don’t think you really need to do all of them, if you don’t want to or need to. Some of these are good, but I think your list exaggerates the fact that women either need to be sluts or live wild or that marriage means the end of all fun.

“Have a vacation fling.” - What’s the point? To know I’m attractive to someone I’ll never see again? Nice, but not helpful.

“Take a road-trip with a group of girlfriends.” - OK, that sounds fun, but why do I need to do this BEFORE marriage?

“Learn to love her body.” - For a lot of women, this will take YEARS and isn’t a reasonable expectation before marriage. Though it would be nice.

“Have sex with at least one person she’d never want to marry (or introduce to mom).” - Again, why? To know someone wants to jump my bones without any kind of committment? No thanks.

“Find reliable birth control.” - Well, yeah, if you don’t want to have kids straight away.

“Spend way too much on a something frivolous.” - So you want me to get my finances in order but spend irresponsibly? That sounds like a contradiction. How about save for something you really want and be proud of the fact you are financially responsible?

“Travel somewhere exotic.” - I don’t see how this is a requirement. It’s nice, but my grandparents traveled to plenty of exotic places together and had a fine time at it.

“Have at least one night she can’t quite remember.” - Why? What is the point in this? How does this make me a better person?

“Celebrate her 25th birthday.” - as opposed to what? being dead by her 25th birthday? Not getting married before being 25? What about the thousands of women who get married before then? Are you saying they made the WRONG choice? Who are you to judge?

There are a few things that I think are good, but honestly, this list is full of baseless assumptions on what helps women become a better version of themselves. Being a responsible member of society and understanding where you are in your life and what you’ll need both before and after marriage is important. Getting married does not mean you can’t lead an independent life sometimes. That’s ridiculous and probably one of the causes of divorce!

seraphmaiden
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 10:36 am: [report]

OMG people… This is a blog post, not a check list for requirements to apply for a marriage license. 

This is a great list.
I think it’s incredibly important to know yourself as a person before you know yourself as part of a couple and this is one person’s list of key growing experiences IMO.

Clearly the entire list doesn’t apply to me - I owe 160k to the dept of education… So unless it takes much longer to find someone to marry than I hope it will… I’m probably still gonna be paying those off.

I agree that people don’t stop changing as they age, but I would argue that the rate of change decreases somewhat.  True, you can’t put an absolute age on when it’s appropriate to get married, but I was in a serious relationship at 22 and was all about getting married—and now I think it would have been truly terrible.  I am profoundly different at 27.  Part of that is the nature of training for my particular career - part of that is just growing up. 

@Dancerninja - I agree completely.  After 2 live in significant others… I want my own space.

Christinaval
wrote on July 17 2009 @ 11:41 am: [report]

Velahan, thank you!

johns hopkins kranti
wrote on July 18 2009 @ 06:51 am: [report]

thanks for the advice.

wonderfultonight
wrote on July 19 2009 @ 10:11 pm: [report]

The most important thing to do before you get married is to exorcise all your other relationship demons. When you find the one-and-only, let all the others go.

How can someone live alone for a year and not learn to cook at least some basics?

Some of these are OK, but not always possible - like traveling to someplace exotic or as a post suggested, travel overseas. My job has enabled me to do these, but most of my friends can’t afford it. Nuts to #9 & 17. That’s just a waste of time.

nicole0X
wrote on July 21 2009 @ 09:49 am: [report]

LOVE it. Completely agree with these, but being 22 and just getting out of a long term relationship, I still have a long way to go!

lfries
wrote on July 22 2009 @ 02:31 am: [report]

I love this list! I’m only 20 right now, but I’ll be keeping it in the back of my mind over the next few years.

Full_Throttle
wrote on July 27 2009 @ 11:23 pm: [report]

Wow - I have never read such a self-centered list in my life.  If these are the 20 things you are supposed to do before you get married - guess what - you are never going to get married or your marriage is going to end in divorce.

This list builds a sense of entitlement in a person that is not going to work within the confines of the type of partnership that is required to make a marriage work.  If you do all these things and build the selfish mentality that comes with them, your marriage is going to last all of 5 years before it falls apart.  What about doing things that show you understand what a partnership is about?  What about self-sacrifice like taking care of an sick parent or grandparent before they die?  Those are the things that make life real not this sick sense of self-entitlement that so many people have today as exhibited by this list.

Yep - I am a guy.  I put 14 wonderful years into a marriage before I lost my wife to leukemia.  I stuck with her throughout her 3 years of illness and was there with her.  I’ll tell you this, we would have never gotten married nor stuck together had either of us had a list like this. 

Check out what life is really like - http://adadandhisboy.blogspot.com

sylvaere
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 07:51 am: [report]

This list is absurd. I’d had a relatively “wild” time prior to being married. I’d taken care of numbers 4,8,9, 17, and 18 several times and after I was married, those were some of my bigger regrets in life. Granted those aren’t the only items on the list I can say I’d checked off, but none of these things are important for a quality marriage.
I defied EVERY rule when it comes to getting married. We knew each other six months, our finances were a train wreck, we had no stability, and little support from family, and friends. But you know what, those rules are ridiculous! Number one rule should be don’t get married because you think it’s time, or you’re lonely. Get married because your life, the WHOLE of it, will be more fulfilling and meaningful with this person in it. Things you should do before you get married? Know yourself, well. Acknowledge that life is not always good days. That if comfort is the best you get on a good day, you’ll never survive the bad ones. Identify that this person will be your partner, that when life hits you, it is THAT person that you have to grab on to and weather the storm.  Keep the hearth and it will keep you. Commit to eating dinner together at least five times a week. Learn that life is not to be measured, but lived. And that marriage does not mean you’ve settled your life, but that you’ve chosen to live it as a pair.
It’s funny that none of the items on that list prepare you for living as a married woman. It seems to only prepare you for giving up your independence, which I don’t believe should even be a part of marriage. If going on road trips, and sleeping with random people, and sleeping in a queen sized bed by yourself are such important things that you have to cram them in before you get married, then why are you giving up the “party” and getting married in the first place? These things obviously measure a degree of happiness to you that is clearly important. I wish you luck in your marriage and hope that you don’t miss your single life overmuch.

Black Iris
wrote on July 28 2009 @ 07:38 pm: [report]

I did #2, #3, #10, and #20.  So I skipped most of them before marriage.  We’re still together many years later (and happy).

I don’t think there’s really anything you have to do before you get married besides make sure you’ve found the right person.  Other good ideas - finish school and find a job.

Janie Out of Debt
wrote on August 18 2009 @ 06:43 pm: [report]

I completely agree with “#7 Get her finances in order” and “#11 Pay off as much credit card debt and student loans as possible.” 

I got out of $26,000 of debt before getting married.  It was one of the best decisions that I ever made. Besides marrying my husband of course!  It has made our lives less stressful and we can enjoy our first couple of years of marriage with no debt and no kids.  Once kids come along our budget will be tighter and we will not be able to do all of the things that we can do as DINKS (dual income no kids). 

If you want to learn more about my journey check out my blog: http://janieoutofdebt.blogspot.com.

Crestina
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 06:16 am: [report]

I have been with my man for 13 years now.  We are high school sweethearts and most of the things on this list we have done together, except live alone for 1 year.  We couldn’t be more in love or happy.  It could be that we are not married.  May be that is our key to our success because we are still madly in love and wouldn’t have it any other way.

Claireific
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 10:18 am: [report]

Truly guys, don’t get all steamed. Chill. I think these are good ideas no matter your marital situation.

I’ll add to this “be financially independent from your parents” and “know how to file your taxes, balance your checkbook, and set up a long-term retirement account”. I have a co-worker who has to be at LEAST 35. She’s married with two small kids, and she still has her mother’s credit card for shopping sprees. I’m still on the family cell plan, so that would have to go. And if you’re about to get married and become, in some ways, responsible for another person, you should be able to keep your day-to-day finances in order without *oops!* overdrafting your account, as well as plan for your financial future. Get a financial advisor if you need to, even if just for a little while to get some guidance and your “feet under you”. Great list!

marlena
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 03:42 am: [report]

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BluValkyrie
wrote on October 6 2009 @ 05:13 pm: [report]

I agree more with what sylvaere than what the list said.