17 Jobs That Are Guaranteed To Get You Laid
Posted by: Simcha Whitehill
Filed in:
sex
10:30AM, Wednesday August 19th 2009
Last week, we whined that, in addition to these 14 Jobs That Won’t Help You Get Laid, being a sex/relationship blogger totally wrecks your chance at romance. We Frisky gals don’t have an exact statistic because the CDC won’t take our emails seriously, but we know from experience that the fear of being exposed on the internet kills thousands of boners each year. But just because we’re suffering here in the world wide web of singledom does not mean some professionals aren’t baggin’ more hot buns than Wonderbread. So, before you go choosing a career that might force you to become an expert masturbator, check out these 17 jobs that are guaranteed to get your business handled for you on the regs.
- Architect: Build me something as good-looking as you.
- Glassblower: Really any job with blow in the title will do.
- Firefighter: Drool over their calendars with us.
- Doctor: Everyone wants some sexual healing ... especially if you’re a freelance blogger without health insurance.
- Celebrity: Pick a groupie, any groupie.
- Librarian: But you only stack up if you’re hot.
- High-Ranking Soldier: Lookin’ so fine in that tight, fancy uniform, I mos def want you to invade the country in my pants.
- Porn Star: Your job is to get laid.
- Model (Preferably Underwear Or Bikini): You’re a professional hottie who can make us buy whatever you’re selling.
- Hotel Concierge: You’ve got the keys to everybody’s room/heart.
- Photographer: You can compliment and direct your subject til they take off their all clothes. Yes, yes, make love to the camera!
- Bartender: You’re surrounded by drunk singles looking to mingle.
- Musician/DJ: You can play peeps like you do tunes.
- Personal Trainer: Let’s get physical.
- Delivery Boy: Or girl, they come to you. This sadly does not apply to stanky messengers who run around all day.
- Pilot/Flight Attendant: That jaunty cap, the mile-high club, man, there are just so many reasons we want to fly the extra-friendly skies.
- Furniture Craftsman: They’ll give you more than one thing to sit on.
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gloriafretz
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 09:38 am: [report]
Pilots.. yes! But Air Force pilots more so than commercial. Something about a man in a flightsuit. Maybe it’s that it only takes one zipper and the whole thing is off? MMM.
xifeng882
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 09:47 am: [report]
delivery boy? really? Otherwise agreed. Anything in a uniform. yum
moonblossom
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 09:52 am: [report]
Having been married to a man in uniform…a flight suit to be exact….I can say Yeah - it seems fun. Then you find out they are all 18 year olds trapped in grown bodies and they haven’t figured out life is not REALLY one big frat party. Then the wiskey does its magic and their peen is not flying nearly as high as their jet. And they wear those flight suits multiple times before they wash them…they stink.
My vote goes to the bartender….something about a man giving me drinks. HAHA
gloriafretz
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 09:56 am: [report]
@moomblossom- I can honestly say that I don’t agree for *my* man in uniform. I have known him for 7 years and he is neither a frat boy, nor is he someone who doesn’t wash his clothes. I wash his flightsuits for him and they are worn once
And, his peen is just great because he barely drinks.
I have done the bartender thing… not all it is cracked up to be. If he has to flirt and lie to get tips, what will he do to you?
Simcha Whitehill
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 10:00 am: [report]
I would respectfully like to add to my own list: Astronaut…that is the kind that don’t wear diapers on long drives.
CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 10:01 am: [report]
I nominate “wage slave cubicle monkey”.
LunaLena
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 10:12 am: [report]
@moonblossom - My boyfriend is more like gloriafretz’s man, but from what he’s told me, he seems to be more of an exception, and the frat boys you described are the norm. I do like him in his flight suit, though… hmmm… (memo to me: make sure to tell him this)
About the list in general… hotel concierge? Really?
gloriafretz
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 10:28 am: [report]
@lunaLena- I agree. My boyfriend and I actually met 7 years ago while we were both in school at the Air Force Academy. He stayed in and I left to pursue another career. There are SO many pilots that do fit the party frat boy mold. He just doesn’t hang out with them
And yes, do tell him that you like him in it. You can even help him get out of it
Raugiel
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 11:03 am: [report]
@ xifeng882 & LunaLena - If porn tells us the truth, we should expect the delivery boy and the hotel concerierge to be getting some extra benefits at work! Don’t expect any lasting relationships though…
LunaLena
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 11:15 am: [report]
@gloriafretz - I know what you mean about the AFA… until a few months ago, I lived in Colorado Springs just four miles away from the AFA, so I saw a lot of students from there around the area. I especially used to see a lot of drunk parties of them at Famous Dave’s.
My boyfriend is coming back from an out-of-state trip on Friday, and yeah, I definitely intend to get him out of his flight suit! :D
LunaLena
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 11:24 am: [report]
@Raugiel - ooooh, yes, I never thought about those aspects of the job! I tend to think of the doorman or the guy at the front desk as the concierge, so I didn’t make the connection. If Simcha had written “bellboy” I may have gotten it, though…
Haha, this list reminds me of a book I once saw that was written and illustrated by Edward Gorey called “The Recently Deflowered Girl.” It was a satirical etiquette book on what to girls should do/say if she has been deceived and deflowered by, say, a bellboy, or a mustachioed marimba player. I would seriously love to have a copy of that book, but it’s apparently very rare, so I have to be content with a PDF of scans from the book.
slestie
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 01:00 pm: [report]
I’m pretty much terrified of military and police uniforms. I have no idea what it is, but if you try to hit on me while wearing one, I will squeak and run.
Austin Artist
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 01:20 pm: [report]
I’m a furniture craftsman with the hands of a doctor. Does that count?
becknee
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 04:21 pm: [report]
For the delivery guy and the concierge, it’s all about the availability! They have opportunities aplenty… but I’m going to quit this line of reasoning; my dad was a UPS guy.
feinicstine
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 06:20 pm: [report]
Mmmm uniforms
Alison Wonderland
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 07:02 pm: [report]
Lifeguard.
@feinicstine & others: I read somewhere, I’m going to say Cosmo, that women love a man in uniform because we know that most jobs that require a uniform also require some degree of physical fitness- thus there’s a pretty good chance that the guy looks good out of uniform too.
MarriedWhiteMale
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 07:11 pm: [report]
Architect as number one?? I don’t think so, speaking as one, most architects are now unemployed. I don’t see unemployed on this list!
catscratchfever
wrote on August 19 2009 @ 07:33 pm: [report]
If you’re going to suggest things, make up the reasoning for them, too. I’m not great at this, but I’ll give it a go.
18. Unemployed: He’s got all the time in the world to please you.
19. Plumber: He can fix your pipes…and then he can Fix Your Pipes.
Tart and Soul
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 10:39 am: [report]
Nothing filled me with more anticipatory excitement than hooking up with a fireman. And nothing was more disappointing! Unfortunately, I think people who have no trouble getting laid, don’t always take the time to learn how to do it right. Maybe a nerdy accountant is the way to go?
jackofhearts
wrote on August 20 2009 @ 10:48 am: [report]
When I lived in a houseshare during uni we girls used to think up jobs for the boys that’d help them pull (UK slang for get lucky).
The best we came up with was dolphin trainer who volunteers as a part time fireman.
It worked!
bogart4017
wrote on August 21 2009 @ 12:13 pm: [report]
Outside Technicians for Telephone Company or Cable Company/Pizza Delivery Guy.
Bones constantly jumped by desperate housewives whose husbands work in the city all day long. They don’t even bother to get dressed to answer the door.
shinesthru
wrote on August 22 2009 @ 01:38 am: [report]
i see doctor is on the list, but how about nurse? we spend much more time caring for our patients than a doc! i guess i should clarify that i am a a male nurse.
effing hickster
wrote on August 22 2009 @ 06:41 am: [report]
I’d like to add two jobs I’ve held before, but like the Librarian, it’s very helpful to be cute…
Pedicab (bicycle taxi) Operator: Even if you’re not getting laid tonight, you’re definitely getting groped and/or hugged. You’re super-fit and eco-friendly. What’s not to love?
Artist: Okay, this one’s sort of like DJ. It all depends on talent. If you’re a total hack, it’s not really gonna happen. As a portrait artist, I think I probably do better than the guy who throws trash on a canvas and thinks its profound.
chucka95
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 03:10 pm: [report]
And here I thought middle-aged insurance salesman would turn any woman into putty in my hands! lol
Chuck
outdoor rugs
Titi
wrote on August 24 2009 @ 08:56 pm: [report]
Ha, I love that ‘bartender’ is on the list. So true. I’m a bartender, so I know all about it.
painted_lady
wrote on September 6 2009 @ 12:12 am: [report]
@moonblossom: OMG YES!
I nearly married one. It’s not like Top Gun where Tom Cruise’s character gets the call sign Maverick because he’s all cool and lone wolf and devil-may-care…my ex’s call sign was “Leaker” because he got so drunk he pissed on a couch.
They all thought it was so cool.
Oliveira
wrote on September 6 2009 @ 12:20 pm: [report]
“Librarian”? Really? When was the last time you saw a librarian?
From experience, I would add a graphic designer. Mmm. Have I mentioned I’m a graphic designer?
As for bartender, getting laid, yes. Getting into a love-based long-term relationship? Only in “Sex and the City”.
OKSUNI
wrote on September 29 2009 @ 08:44 pm: [report]
hey—you all. lets chill with all the librarian disses. I am graduating with my MLIS next Spring and all I have heard is sexual references to being a librarian….lol