13 Signs You Should Take Your Ex-Boyfriend Back
Posted by: Simcha Whitehill
Filed in:
relationships
3:10PM, Thursday September 17th 2009
John Mayer has been trying to make Jennifer Aniston his girlfriend again. They always come back, don’t they ladies? First he dumped her via text message last August (ouch!) and then, after a brief reunion, broke up with her again in March. Apparently, now John has been begging her for another chance. The balladeer has gone boo-hoo for his Hollywood honey.
Sure, our own Erin and conventional wisdom say that in life you only get one chance. But in love, there are no rules. However, there is good advice, not to mention learning from your mistakes. That’s why I’m going to share with you the biggest relationship mistake I ever made.
I used to have a “never take an ex back” policy. It stopped me from making plenty of mistakes, like bad ex sex, dropping cash I didn’t have on a bikini wax, and becoming the victim of sheer drunken douchebaggery. Some guys you just get over and there’s no need for a do-over. But I’ve only ever loved one man and after we broke up, he tried to make it work again for months. I, on the other hand, was still in love with him too, but refused to break my own childish rule— no take-backs. Why didn’t I give us one more shot? At the very least, I wasn’t done letting him hurt me. At the very most, well, now he’s married to someone else.
Now I’m left with “what if?” questions. What if I’ll never love any other man as much? What if I never have sex as good again? What if he was THE ONE? And my personal favorite: What if I’m going to die alone now? Even more excruciating and existential is the other side of the coin: Am I inflating who he is and what we had? Has he been martyred because he was the one that got away? Not giving yourself another chance is like opening a Pandora’s Box of second-guessing yourself. OK, so I kept my pride, but so what? It didn’t get me what I wanted—him. And all I had to lose was a little bit more time spent trying to figure things out between us. Unfortunately, now I’m stuck with a lifetime of wondering “what if?”
OK, so maybe even if my ex and I had gotten back together, it probs wouldn’t have worked out. In that case, I’d have ruined the delicious fantasy of him for good. Sad, sure, but maybe that’s just what I needed to move on. And hey, makeup sex can be worth the hassle of a do-over.
I’m here to help you not make the same mistake I did. While you don’t owe every dude you’ve done a second chance, there are those select few who you just have to give it to. However, before you go re-welcoming them with open arms, you have to think about what exactly you’re going to also have to embrace about him. Is he worth a second or—in Jen and John’s case—a third time around? Here’s how you can see if he’s worth giving another shot:
1. Day McDreamy: If you think about the dude everyday, or even a couple times a week, you’re sooooo not done with him.
2. BF & BFF: Your pals still want to be his friend. If they’re still rooting for him, maybe you should be too.
3. Black And Blue: He didn’t ever hurt you physically. In fact, he was quite gentlemanly.
4. Time Is On Your Side: You feel like you’ve got nothing to lose except maybe a couple hours for a date. Whatever happens, happens.
5. Not Co-Dependent: Beware, if he’s vengeful or even slightly manipulative, he might just be waiting to get the upper hand again.
6. Going The Distance: What’s he doing to get you back? Was it a random drunk text or did he talk to you face-to-face or phone-to-phone? Heck, he’s gotta give you at least an email you can tell he spent time on. Guys get bonus points for creativity here, i.e., love letters, getting the DJ to play your fave song, or other heart-melting rom-com-esque smooth moves.
7. Change Is Possible: It’s been a long time, so he may have actually grown up.
8. Back And Forth: If either one of you is not willing to discuss the past openly, there’s no future. Do you think you can articulate what your old problems were to him or are you afraid to go there?
9. Needy Not Greedy: Ideally, he’s single. But most importantly, he’s not trying to stick it in you while he’s still dating someone else. He has genuine feelings; he’s not just feeling up on you.
10. If It Ain’t Broke, Don’t Fix It: Can you be realistic about your expectations? Are you OK with crashing and burning, or will it send you back to relationship rehab?
11. Not So Sexy Times: If the sex was never good, forget it. Either you have it or you don’t; you can’t learn chemistry.
12. Please Forgive Me: Do you still hold a grudge? Do you want him to pay for what he did to you last time? You can’t run your love life like it’s a toll booth. If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive him, you can’t date him again.
13. Tie The Not: Could you see yourself marrying him or being with him forever? If not, why bother? If you’re just looking for a good lay, he’s not your stunt penis that can just slip in for the action scenes. You can’t have meaningless sex with an ex—there are feelings there. So, go find a new boy toy.
TheFrisky.com is part of the Turner Sports and Entertainment Digital Network
*sam*
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:17 pm: [report]
seriously, I think this one of the most well-thought-out lists I’ve ever read on the Frisky.
kw1223
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:19 pm: [report]
Ha! “Stunt penis”.
LayD
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:28 pm: [report]
This is so relevent for me right now!! Thnks Simcha!
_jsw_
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:30 pm: [report]
I do like the list, except for “3. Black And Blue”.
I don’t think “not beating you up” is a qualifier. I think beating you up is a firm and instant disqualifier. Adding this to the list is like adding “not an axe murderer” or “hasn’t kidnapped anyone”.
impoddity
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:34 pm: [report]
I recently extended the olive branch to an ex. It took him about two weeks to get back to me. He cited the fact that he “generally avoids things he dislikes”. He went on to say how he hopes that one day we can get back together.
... If he can’t be grown-up about answering me in a timely fashion, how the hell are we going to be able to discuss what went wrong and how we can work past it?
Thank you for this list. Maybe I should send it to him….
joyy
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:35 pm: [report]
@jsw - maybe a better translation would be ‘doesn’t have a bad temper’.
belligerentjane
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:52 pm: [report]
12. Please Forgive Me: Do you still hold a grudge? Do you want him to pay for what he did to you last time? You can’t run your love life like it’s a toll booth. If you can’t find it in your heart to forgive him, you can’t date him again.
—Ugh. I know this is true.
lkb2544
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 02:54 pm: [report]
My dear lady, (1) if he ended up marrying someone else, he was not “the one” and (2) don’t worry - we all have multiple “soul mates” (i prefer “compatible souls”) - it’s just a matter of which one you choose! (Of course he has to choose you as well….) Happy hunting!
impoddity
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 03:02 pm: [report]
@lkb2544: Compatible souls…. Nice concept.
majicksand
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 03:24 pm: [report]
It took me 15 years to get back with the ex who is now my husband. I married someone else in-between. Sometimes it works. Not often, but sometimes.
MarieMacCee
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 04:03 pm: [report]
love number 13-no matter how infatuated you are with the guy, if even through the haze of good nakey times you know that you want nothing to do with his life choices and family, a reconciliation is a no-go.
But I don’t think it’s ever truly possible to totally write someone off. All you can do is try to make the best choices for yourself based on the information you have now, not the promises that could eventually become realities.
develange
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 04:10 pm: [report]
it’s so hard. Not knowing whether you should go with your logic or your emotions.
Been struggling with the idea of getting back together with my ex. We’ve already broken up before. AGHH
likeOMGkbye
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 06:02 pm: [report]
My boyfriend and I had a HORRIBLE break up last summer in July. He dumped me via text message. at work. after avoiding me for 2 weeks. Worst roller coaster of emotions and pain I have ever felt.
After exactly 6 months to the day, we became official again after speaking for a couple months and slowly easing back into a relationship and things could honestly not be any better. We both learned alot during that time, like how to communicate, whats really worth fighting about, and how much we really do care about each other. Everyone pulls that whole bs of “theres a reason you broke up so never get back together ever” and thats ridic. People do change, and things can work out.
Hurricane KC
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 09:20 pm: [report]
Hmmm…interesting. I’ve recently begun dating my HS boyfriend again. We dated 12 years ago and stayed friends. Neither of us can really remember why we broke up, other than being just kids at the time.
missyxjoanna
wrote on September 17 2009 @ 11:17 pm: [report]
omg frisky, this is probably one of your besties ! i ask myself those questions when i think about my ex…
bjoontheupside
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 06:38 am: [report]
I just recently broke up with my on again, off again boyfriend. I’ve wasted three years of my life going back and forth with him and I don’t have much to show for it. That being said, it really does depend on the Ex.
bogart4017
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 11:37 am: [report]
I usually put up with a lot of bs and it takes a whole lot to make me leave. It would have to be very extreme. However if do leave or if you give me the heave-ho don’t look for me back ok? Its something you’ve done that i can’t forgive or i’ve done something to you that i deserve the kick in the booty. In any case you send me walking i do not walk backwards. No woman i’ve ever been involved with got that message and to a woman i’ve always received the midnight phone calls, the tear-stained letters of regret, etc. I don’t get what people don’t understand about goodbye meaning gone.
Frederica Bimble
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 12:04 pm: [report]
I agree with JSW or in the words of Chris Rock: “You low expectation M%th"r F*c*er!” “You’re not supposed to beat up your partner”.....
Yep, you’re setting the bar pretty low, there.
Anniushka
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 04:46 pm: [report]
Boy, do I know someone who should take a look at this list. I love her dearly, but between her sobbing over arguments with her newly long-distance boyfriend (he was just mean sometimes… then, I abhor people who whip out their “debate tournament” tactics in day-to-day conversations), leading on other guys, breaking up with said boyfriend for a few days at a time, getting ignored by her boyfriend for weeks at a time (after they agreed to get back together… on his terms, which I hated), and still saying she loved him and wanted to be with him forever even when he was sending clear messages that he didn’t see a future for them… I (and all our mutual friends) was sure rooting for a breakup. Looks like it didn’t happen, though.
*sighhhhhh*
stvancer
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 06:47 pm: [report]
Yeah this one:
3. Black And Blue: He didn’t ever hurt you physically. In fact, he was quite gentlemanly.
First of all implies that he did hurt you in another way. (why would you get back with someone who hurt you emotionally or indirectly)
Secondly, not getting beaten is a stupid reason to get back together. “yeah he never hit me, but when he put fluffy through a wood chipper, I broke it off… but I think we are getting back together” Yeah right.
Ronald Mexico
wrote on September 18 2009 @ 10:15 pm: [report]
This crap is why I will not be in a relationship and continue to play women.
ConsumingFire783
wrote on September 20 2009 @ 08:23 pm: [report]
I’ve been through this before, my boyfriend and I dated in high school for about a year and a half, but broke up when we left for different colleges. He thought he wasn’t ready for a long distance relationship. So we went with the on and off friends deal for two years, and then got back together after we had some time to grow up and realize how much we meant to each other. And now we’re going on being together a year and a half again. I haven’t heard of too many situations where getting back with an ex works, but for me at least, I couldn’t be happier.
MissChaotic
wrote on September 20 2009 @ 08:35 pm: [report]
I’m now adding “Stunt Penis” to my repertoire. Hahaha!
Claireific
wrote on September 21 2009 @ 11:12 am: [report]
Yeah, but really great stunt penes are so underrated.
Joey Daytona
wrote on September 21 2009 @ 02:46 pm: [report]
So sad… nice, but it hurts to read all of that.
I carry a torch or two, absence makes the heart grow fonder, or out of sight, our of mind?
shannac02
wrote on September 21 2009 @ 03:03 pm: [report]
@ Simcha! Good Article, I always love your stuff!!! I, too, still carry a torch… Its always better to remain friends and not burn bridges, but sometimes it hurts worse than just cutting everything off. I think Lorena Bobbitt had a good idea going, poor execution though.
bizzle
wrote on September 24 2009 @ 02:38 pm: [report]
i enjoyed reading this…
Jilldini
wrote on October 5 2009 @ 09:07 pm: [report]
I recently reconciled with an ex after being broken up for 6 years, which is how long we had dated originally.
He broke off the relationship because he had thought I had been unfaithful: not true. After some time had passed, we were able to stay in touch via email - but I hadn’t spoken to him or seen him since the breakup. To make a long story short(er), he asked me to meet him for a drink, and I agreed.
I sat and listened to him as he genuinely poured his heart out and apologized for ‘the biggest mistake of his life’.
He still had my picture on his nightstand, and hadn’t been with anyone else in all of that time because they weren’t me. The sweetest thing I think he said was ‘in all of that time you were never far away from me’ (he meant in his heart).
We’re going to give it another shot.
TinaLish
wrote on October 22 2009 @ 05:09 pm: [report]
Oh this is rather a sore subject for me. I think it really depends on the situation and if the original break up was on good terms. If there’s any resentment, or anger left over then that’s nothing but a recipe for disaster.
With that being said, I do believe very strongly in second chances. Without this possibility, you run the risk of always wondering “What if?” And what if’s are no way to live.
If my ex boyfriend ever showed up at my door telling me he made a mistake, that he was wrong about everything. I would beyond the shadow of a doubt take him back with open arms, because he’s a good man. Our break up wasn’t any where near some of the worst ones I’ve had in my life. So yes, I believe second chances are rare, they don’t always come, but if you’re lucky enough to have one, and the guy in question isn’t a total douche, then grab it and run. Run as far as you can and see where it takes you, maybe the path through heartbreak will undoubtedly lead you back to where you started, and maybe you were meant to be there all along.
The key is to not fear the outcome, if he comes back and he was deserving of you before, chances are this time around he might stay for the long haul. You’ll never know until you give it a chance.
Jilldini
wrote on October 24 2009 @ 04:15 pm: [report]
TinaLish,
Thanks for the great feedback.
I hope you have a second chance like mine.
This good man of mine is worth it all.
My sincere best to you…stay in touch.
Jill
TinaLish
wrote on October 26 2009 @ 08:56 am: [report]
@Jilldini
Thank you much for the kind words =) they are very appreciated.
I’m glad you got a second chance, and I hope some day I might as well, I figure if it’s meant to be then it will.
Deff will stay in touch, ditto to you! =)
Take care!
<3 Tina
EKA718
wrote on November 11 2009 @ 01:35 pm: [report]
I met my boyfriend after college. Since we have had an on and off again relationship. All times were completely his decision. Every single day I thought about him, everyday I knew he was wrong for what he did and that I know he would come around. Friends did the friend thing and told me he’s a jerk and to keep going. I did, I dated. There was not one date that I went on that I wished it was him. Numerous times I went to say his name when really I was supposed to be saying someone else’s. I realized I loved him a long time ago, really grown up, undesirable love. I loved him so much I couldn’t even get it out of my mouth without crying to my friends.
After me moving to the same city (we were 40 mins apart in the begining) and months of not talking, at all, we started to rekindle. Secretly, knowing that I’d be blocks away from him, I hoped that it would happen. He is the person I see myself being with for the rest of my life and have thought about it everyday and no one has ever compared. I handled this situation different this time. Being more tough, acting like I didnt care when I did and picking/choosing what really mattered and what didn’t and didn’t harp on it(I know I handled situations wrong in the past, my time to fix it was now).
Well now we are back together full force. He even recently told me that he loved me which I thought would never come out of his mouth. I thought I’d see God before he told me he loved me. I couldn’t be happier, our time is here and we finally get to have a full on good shot. I take it day by day and am hoping that I get to do that with him for the rest of my life.
If you feel it, really feel it which I did, go with it. I never had with anyone else but him and after all the bad times still felt it. Trust yourself. Don’t listen to anyone else besides you because it can make you the happiest you’ve been in all your life and hopefully you will find yourself in a place with someone that feels right.