10 Super Silly Sex Tips From Cosmo
Posted by: Amelia McDonell-Parry
Filed in:
sex
11:00AM, Monday January 4th 2010
I admire Cosmopolitan‘s determination. I do. Each and every month they try and find brand-new ways to pleasure your man—and while they do manage to come up with some sexual innovations, most of them are nothing new. And those that are? Well, they’re typically spectacularly bad or bizarre. Remember when they suggested tying back your hair with your thong before giving him a blowie? Or when they tried to make grape handjobs happen?
In the February issue, Cosmo has 99 quick and easy ways to spice up things in the sack and, I admit, a few impressed me. Like #54: “During missionary sex, place your feet on his chest with your legs crossed to create an extra snug grip.” I am going to try this and will report back. But, as usual, many of the tips were just plain WTF. After the jump, 10 sex tips from Cosmo that are so silly, I suggest you ignore them.
- (#5) While he’s kissing you, suck on his tongue seductively, imitating what you do to his penis.
- (#9) Ask him over for dessert. Lie naked with a few pieces of chocolate on you that he can nibble off.
- (#24) Stay silent until you’re about to orgasm ... then let yourself go. Your animalistic noises will drive him wild.
- (#50) Place one hand at the base of his shaft, and twist the tip with the other—like you’re opening a jar.
- (#55) Lightly wrap a cheap beaded necklace around his package, and then move it back and forth.
- (#57) Hold some sparkling water in your mouth while giving him oral. The bubbles plus warmth will make him quiver.
- (#69) Keep on a blingy necklace during sex. It’ll draw extra attention to your girls.
- (#72) Have him place a finger inside you, and put one of yours in too. Doing it together feels totally erotic.
- (#73) Wear a leather belt around your naked waist during doggie-style. He can pull on it to create more bounce.
- (#88) Hop in the shower with him while wearing nothing but a white tee.
Honorable Mention:
#70 Before he becomes hard (and gets too big), take his whole penis in your mouth. [This one just grossed me out, as I do not like the feelings of a flacid ween in my mouth, but to each their own.—Editor]
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ootie
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:06 am: [report]
stay silent till you’re about to orgasm? um, weird. if the guy i was having sex with stayed completely silent and then started howling like a maniac, i would not be turned on. i would be confused.
Pirate Bunny
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:14 am: [report]
Your #1 (their #5) literally made me shudder.
Then I was sad that #70 grossed you out because it is my bf’s favorite thing in the world… but he might kill me if he knew I told you that.
@ootie: Precisely.
meredith806
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:15 am: [report]
ha wow. I think my boyfriend would be really scared if I tried to wrap a necklace around his penis. Also, all those “hold some sort of strange and presumably tingly liquid in your mouth, while going down on him” tips, seem so odd. There is no way I could ever do that successfully, nor would I want to.
On another note though, we’re complete dorks, and if we’re just being lazy and laying around we do weird #&@$%. Exhibit A:we’ll stick our tongues out at each other and then one of us will inevitably suck the other persons tongue into their mouth, and won’t let go until there is sufficient half muffled screaming.
But again, we’re freaks.
pandaB
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:20 am: [report]
I’ve never tried anything with bubbles but the ex and I used to play with ice on crazy hot days and it was actually super fun.
Of course for him that would occasionally lead to your honorable mention, which was the first way I had ever tried that and it too turned out to be pretty cool.
I dunno, I think the Savage method of discussion, discussion, discussion ends up being the best way to go in most scenarios.
AshleeB
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:21 am: [report]
#50 is just terrifying. Can we say potential for emergency room visit here? All it takes is a too literal interpretation of “twist like you would a jar” for some poor guy to end up in a serious amount of pain. Who writes this noise? And why in God’s name do they think anyone will actually attempt it? More frightening still : the mass of people who do actually read Cosmo for the “sex” tips. Shudder.
Pirate Bunny
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:25 am: [report]
@meredith806
That scenario of tongue sucking isn’t creepy at all because you guys are playing around and being silly. Imagine the same thing happening, but the tongue sucker thinks they are being super sexy… I shuddered again! Gah!
sammyisadog
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:26 am: [report]
I have a habit of laughing during sex (because come on, if you happen to think about what it would be like to be a fly on the wall, everything comes off a little silly), so I just know that if I tried #6, I would just giggle to myself, followed by drooling all over everything and start choking maybe, and the mood would be DEAD.
No thanks.
MuchoMacho
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:28 am: [report]
Amelia do you ever try anything odd during sex?
1 – feels nice
2 – kind of odd, but it could be fun
3 – once we had sex in her dorm room while her roomie was sleeping. We had to be totally silent and it ended up being one of the most powerful orgasms ive ever had.
4 – im imagining this and I think it would be pretty fantastic
5 – this is hot (to me, and if im into it, other people probably are too)
6 – fun with food. Ever hear of pop rocks during oral? Not for me, but I don’t think its super crazy or anything…
7 – so MF’ing hot… seriously. So hot.
8 – finger on/around = nice. Finger in = losing my boner.
9 – see my response to #7
10 – hot
70 – I like it too.
meredith806
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:28 am: [report]
ahaha. Well it started cause he thought he was being super cool after watching it in some lesbian porn. Then when I totally made fun of him, it became a game.
Dear god, he would kill me if he knew what I tell you guys. hahaha
tabby
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:37 am: [report]
#4—Depends on how hard you are twisting. If it is just a little bit (think opening your mascara and actually use that same motion) then my guy is a big fan. Opening a new jar of pickles? Ouch!
#8 just creeps me out. I think I would also find it entirely too distracting. And would inspire a bout of thumb wrestling.
ThumperTheory
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 12:00 pm: [report]
My man actually really likes the twisting thing but I think maybe I do it slightly differently than described here. As for the sensation-causing-food-during-oral thing (pop rocks, champagne, breath mints, etc.), they really need to make it more clear that one should not immediately thereafter move on to the main event without rinsing some stuff off - sugary snacks can lead to a lame yeast infection!
MissMissy
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 12:03 pm: [report]
@Tabby re: #4 Exactly ... because I always THWAP a jar of pickles on the edge of a counter when I try to open it and don’t think my honey would appreciate. Though he does like it rough - and tells me to bite when I am “down there.”
#24 - He just told me that silence would be hot because I’m always so loud. He said he loves the loud, but the silence would be an interesting new thing.
#72 - My honey loves that when we do it. He just likes the visual of it, and especially when I have more than just a finger…
#73 - I’m going to suggest that. He’d effing die with how much he loves it.
#70 - I love that. I love feeling the reaction inside my mouth.
Wow.. I’m shutting up.
Queen Frostine
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 12:33 pm: [report]
My husband loves the “twist”. I use two hands, make sure he’s lubed nicely and GENTLY twist in opposite directions, the bottom hand at the base moving up and down nice and slow. Perhaps Cosmo just isn’t explaining it properly.
candyapples
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 12:48 pm: [report]
Just had to say the “flaccid ween” completely repulses me as well.
resullins
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
@Meredith: You’re not weird… me and mine do that too.
@Mucho: You are a little weird, but I luv ya anyway!
And am I the only one that thinks #8 up there is a little weird? Not to mentioned awkward and painful if done wrong…
ScarlettTrinity
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
I actually don’t think some of these are too bad. I would have done the belt thing with my ex had he not been so determined to get down to business and let me grab my belt from my pants but alas, he wouldn’t let me near my clothes once he took them off.
@Miss Missy- I love the reaction of #70 too
AlisonNoelle
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 02:10 pm: [report]
Meh some of these aren’t so odd or something that I haven’t tried already…. And from reading these comments I find I’m not so weird… Trying something new is fun even if it doesn’t have the desired effect. As for #6 how you would you keep the water in your mouth? Wouldn’t it kind of dribble out…. I like to use Altoids myself. Gives you that hot and cold sensation.
MuchoMacho
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 03:01 pm: [report]
@res - lol…
alleigh25
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 04:13 pm: [report]
I agree with MuchoMacho. Having to stay quiet intensifies things quite a bit (but it isn’t necessarily easy to do).
My first thought when I read the bonus was that, in addition to never having tried anything when he wasn’t hard, there’s no way I’d be able to actually take the whole thing anyway (with the current guy), on account of size…so I guess well-endowed guys get deprived the pleasure of that?
spatula
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 05:29 pm: [report]
@resullins: Yeah I think that’s rather odd and I don’t think I’m interested.
spatula
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 05:30 pm: [report]
PS I nearly peed my pants LOLing at “flaccid ween in my mouth”
lafemmefatal
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 06:50 pm: [report]
A comment about #70: If he isn’t already hard, you’re doing it wrong.
Buhri
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 07:03 pm: [report]
1- Not so Odd
2- Would be wierd watching him try to be sexy while eating.
3- Quiet sex is the best every now and then, you hold everything in until the last moment and it’s awesome. But crazy loud noises at the end? Creepy
4- Tried it, my bf said it felt like I was giving his ween an indian rug burn. Maybe I was doing it wrong?
5- Tried it, it’s wierd, but he loved it.
6- I drooled it all out but pop rocks or mentos are fun.
7- As long as it’s not on a long chain so it won’t smack him.
8- I’d rather he did the work
9- Awesome
10- Uncomfortable
The wierd things are the best.
DancingGeek
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 08:01 pm: [report]
I improvised with a set of mardi gras beads one night(wrapped them around and then got on top), definitely interesting, but SO last year.
foolish
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 09:10 pm: [report]
I think #7 could perhaps feel good for the guy? A little foreplay! As for #8 I’ve done it before and let me say *HOT* both for the girl and the guy! Very erotic I recommend!
@ MissyMissy I feel the same for the bonus question!
GypsyQueen
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 09:12 pm: [report]
#10 kind of intrigues me, but to be honest, the idea of showering with my boyfriend at all intrigues me. Yes, I am a girl of simple tastes, and I’m happy with that. ^_^ Anyway, I’ve either done some of these inadvertently, or they don’t repulse me, but it’s dependent on what the other involved party decides to try. Communication?! I *know*, but it’s worked for me so far. :D
Shriekback68
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 10:06 pm: [report]
My penis is NOT a jar to be opened. Damn.
323Felicity
wrote on January 4 2010 @ 11:35 pm: [report]
Yeah the twist sounds like an Indian burn, lol.
_jsw_
wrote on January 5 2010 @ 12:21 am: [report]
I’m shocked that MM enjoys all of these. Shocked. It was like reading that C.Munro just got back from a weekend of whoring in Mexico.
I guess he’s just not the prude his comments have made him out to be.
Me? I think 5 out of the 10 sound intriguing. But, while I agree that staying quiet can be intense, the staying-quiet-until-climaxing-and-then-screaming thing would scare the crap out of me and probably cause some sort of zombie defense reaction.
MuchoMacho
wrote on January 5 2010 @ 09:09 am: [report]
@jsw - you sarcastic brittish .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address). im assuming youre brittish, b/c they are such cheeky sarcastic .(JavaScript must be enabled to view this email address).
resullins
wrote on January 5 2010 @ 09:42 am: [report]
@Mucho: No, he’s just a geriatric nudist who’s gotten a little bitter over the years. Forgive him.
@jsw: I thought it was you who liked to go Mexico-whoring.
vizslalvr
wrote on January 5 2010 @ 09:43 am: [report]
@ lafemmefatal - Guess you’ve never surprised your man with a blowjob, then? Too bad for him. Mine loves it, and I love the sensation of him getting hard in my mouth.
_jsw_
wrote on January 5 2010 @ 09:54 am: [report]
@MM: Well, I’m about 1/8 British. I guess that’s where it comes from.
@resullins: I had indeed gotten bitter, but Gladys tells me that switching away from coffee as well as eating more pineapple has fixed that problem. And yes, I do like whoring in Mexico. The senior citizen discount makes it too appealing not to go.
MuchoMacho
wrote on January 5 2010 @ 10:01 am: [report]
military discount is decent too…
cand86
wrote on January 5 2010 @ 02:22 pm: [report]
Blingy necklace, lol.
“Honey, where are you going?”
“Gotta go grab my bling-bling, dawg!”
draymond
wrote on January 5 2010 @ 04:43 pm: [report]
My reactions:
1. tongue play is nice, but he isn’t going to leave his tongue still and extended long enough to get the idea across. Try it with his finger instead.
2.pieces of chocolate is lame. Try a dab of chocolate syrup, butterscotch, whipped cream, etc. that really needs licking…and then let him make a dessert for you to lick off.
3. Just plain stupid. He’ll get the idea that you aren’t enjoying it long before the payoff.
4. sounds really painfull, On the other hand if well lubricated a hold the base while doing a short back and forth rotation with the other hand on the head works.
5. Unlikely to feel good enough to be worth it. Try with softer things like scarves.
6. More likely all the water will dribble out and make a mess as soon as you start.
7. Putting on a separate necklace for having sex is dumb. Leaving some of your jewelry on isn’t.
8. Much more effective to use the same hand by putting it on him!
9. Don’t see what’s wrong with it. It sounds like a do it yourself version of what Dr. V called one of the must have sex toys
10. Why bother with the white tee?
11. Good trick if the guy is constantly bugging you for deep throat: “See, I put it entirely in my mouth!”
resullins
wrote on January 5 2010 @ 04:56 pm: [report]
@draymond: seriously, I ASNR’d at ‘see, I put it all in my mouth.’
The problem, though, could you say that WHILE it’s actually in your mouth?
OH, bad image!!!
forgetmenotblues
wrote on January 5 2010 @ 06:32 pm: [report]
Can’t bash it for people who like it, but I had an ex who couldn’t get hard until I put his limp self in my mouth…then he couln’t even finish the job. Ugh I’ll never make that mistake again.
onewriter
wrote on January 6 2010 @ 01:47 am: [report]
@femmefatal No, if you can catch him before he gets hard, wake him up or just go down there quickly, you can get him before he gets hard, and yes, feeling him get excited in your mouth is fun…I love the uncut like that best. And it’s sooo much better to be able to get the whole thing in your mouth anyway, that getting to MAKE it hard is way fun…
onewriter
wrote on January 6 2010 @ 01:52 am: [report]
Remember, it’s only kinky the first time!
ohheyitssophia
wrote on January 6 2010 @ 02:40 am: [report]
1- my boyfriend loves this, but it has to be done LIGHTLY
2- ehhh the idea of any food + sex creeps me out
3- I don’t know about being totally silent then all of a sudden loud, but I know that some of our most awesome sex has been had when we need to keep totally quiet
4- way too much injury potential
5- that would be awkward..wtf
6- see above
7- I do this…
8- it’s happened by accident and it was nice!
9- this has also happened by accident and my boyfriend went nuts!
10- I’ve done that too and it was a hit
70- my bf really likes that too and it’s sort of fun to feel it transform haha
Sawyer
wrote on January 6 2010 @ 03:40 am: [report]
1. If it’s not your thing, but my hunny digs it.
2. I’ve had an entire sushi dinner eaten off of me.
3. I’ve done this…unintentionally.
4. As long as you’re not an idiot and do it dry and hard, it is nice and my hunny requests it.
5. Sounds strange… but not that idiotic.
6. Sounds hard.
7. People dress up and roleplay. So wut?
8. Ok, sounds a little hard. Not my thing, but not that weird either.
9. I’ve done something like it only with a kerchief around my neck.
10. Pointless, frat fantasy. My opinion.
And I like doing the honorable mention, being fully hard is so tiring on the jaw!
Am I just a pervert or are these things entirely tame??
annapunk
wrote on January 6 2010 @ 12:20 pm: [report]
#1- I LOVE doing this and having it done to me. Super sexy if done lightly.
#2- Nah.
#3- Again, no thanks. I think it’d weird us Both out.
#4- I’ve done this. Their description is just poor. I mean it’s just paying special attn to the sensitive tip and it’s underside using a circular motion…
#5- I can see this feeling good for him like the supposedly “ribbed for her pleasure” condoms. I might feel silly though at first.
#6- Done it and dudes have loved it. As well as with hot and cold liquids. It’s just a different sensation for them to enjoy.
#7- Ehh, why not.
#8- Never done this one, but it seems like it could be interesting.
#9- Oh hell yeah, why didn’t I think of that? (Though to be fair to myself, I have done variations of this…)
#10- Could be sexy…but I’d rather just be naked since I like the look of my ladies.
#11- So have done this and dudes love it.
ohheyitssophia
wrote on January 6 2010 @ 01:41 pm: [report]
No Sawyer, you’re right
cooldad
wrote on January 6 2010 @ 01:53 pm: [report]
Ice cream + oral, yuumm
morning wakeup bj - awesome
white tee in the shower sounds nice (esp compared to the work that I should be doing)
Kirbie
wrote on January 6 2010 @ 10:29 pm: [report]
Cosmo is still in print? I think of it as the hag rag… way to many issues and filled with crap.
How can you keep inventing sex positions? You may change the name, but it’s the same position regardless.
eden
wrote on January 7 2010 @ 08:18 pm: [report]
9 is actually a good one, especially if your dude has the type of back back where thrusting can cause pain.
But yes, I #&@$% hate Cosmo sex tips. Scented candles/breath mints/not having the balls to ask your dude what he likes or the the brains to pay attention does not a sexy time make.
yarngasm
wrote on January 10 2010 @ 10:14 pm: [report]
I remember reading another Cosmo list a few years back, and this one tip for “driving him wild” stuck with me as horrifying and downright gross: “Lick around his armpit - he’ll be surprised at the sensation.” Hair, deodorant, and potential for BO, no thanks. My current boyfriend and I laugh about that every so often.
adamjs
wrote on January 11 2010 @ 03:28 am: [report]
1. Nothing wrong with a bit of seductive sucking of anything.
- also try with ice. 
2. Last time I tried this we ended up laughing ourselves stupid.
3. When company is around - you have to do what you have to do.
4. /ouch!
5. I hope to hell this is a lubricated cheap beaded necklace?
6. Nothing wrong with this
7. Sounds like someone is going to get hit in the head, an eye poked out, or end up choking a bit - nothing wrong with this
8. Nothing wrong with this
9. Isn’t this like minimum PPE?
10. Nothing wrong with this
So sly
wrote on January 14 2010 @ 05:09 pm: [report]
Most of these ideas don’t seem that weird, I think it’s the descriptions that totally ruin them for me. I mean, who wants to think about opening a jar while giving a handjob? Cosmo would be so much better if they had better writers, they’re trying way too hard and they’re too serious. I enjoy dirty jokes and like to poke fun at everything.
This is why I like The Frisky, where every post is full of humor, sass, irreverence and intelligence, making it both interesting and relatable for us normal people.
Cosmo just sounds like it’s written by a bunch of out of work porn writers, 30 year-old virgins and people who don’t really enjoy or know what real sex is. It seems like Cosmo is specifically written with men in mind, because a lot of guys read it and for women to please men. It should be the other way around!!
kara_doll
wrote on January 16 2010 @ 01:12 pm: [report]
actually #5 (#55) is rather fun. i tried that one after taking a jamie waxman seminar, she suggested it too. it just has to be a seamless necklace so nothing gets pinched….
HappyDude
wrote on January 19 2010 @ 06:19 pm: [report]
Most are laughable, but #73 about the belt is freaking hot. But I have a bit of a belt fetish thanks to my love of garter belts.
As for (#9), there’s nothing wrong with it, especially if truncated to: “Ask him over for dessert. Lie naked.” Even if I wasn’t in the mood before, being greeted by a naked lady is always a good thing.
princess1980
wrote on January 24 2010 @ 01:18 pm: [report]
they shouldve mentioned the caughdrop,it works great for both men and women,the feeling it gives in your mouth you know the hot,cold,tingly sensation,works GR8 during oral..you can leave in your mouth or spit it out rite before..i suggest honeylemon halls..
Daimere
wrote on February 11 2010 @ 04:33 am: [report]
I’ve done your #1 and it drives some men wild.