10 Shockingly Weird Animal Sex Habits!
Posted by: Simcha Whitehill
Filed in:
sex
9:00AM, Wednesday February 18th 2009
Sure, having a guy f**k you like an animal sounds hot and sexy, but, if taken literally, it could be dangerous, disgusting, and painful. We may be mammals too, but at least we don’t do it like they do on the Discovery Channel! After the jump, 10 shockingly weird animal sex habits that are bound to make you feel happy to be human.
1. Sure, it’s cute that squids cuddle after they mate, but the female are stuck holding the semen in a pocket next to their mouths. Can you imagine not having the option to spit?
2. Emperor penguins get it on once a year, for two to three minutes, while face down in the snow. I bet even frigid ice queen Martha Stewart gets it on more than that!
3. Female alligators don’t eat for eight to nine weeks before they get it on. And you thought you were nervous about getting naked!
4. After a male bee mates with the queen, his member breaks off and he dies. Well, at least she doesn’t have to wait around to see if he’ll call.
5. Flatworms are hermaphrodites, so they fight to determine which bitch has to carry the baby. In this species, motherhood is for losers. That just ain’t right!
6. Male giraffes nudge the female’s booty until they pee. Then they have to drink the urine to see if they’re ready to mate. If they are, the males just wind up following them around until the girl finally gives in and lets him mount her. Too bad giraffes don’t have alcohol to help them.
7. You thought you didn’t want no minute man, well pity female flippers because male dolphins ejaculate in about 12 seconds.
8. It takes Galapagos tortoises 40 years to go through puberty. Sheesh, I could barely stand 13!
9. Male bedbugs stab females and then shoot them up with sperm. We need to get these girls rape whistles STAT!
10. Gigantic gorillas can weigh over 400 lbs, but their penis is roughly a teeny, tiny inch-and-a-half. Gee, it’s like they’re on steroids…uh-oh A-Rod!
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Perceptible
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 09:43 am: [report]
Okay, that’s got to be one of the most disturbing articles I’ve read. That was just TMI. I could have lived without those details.
lalaland
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 09:54 am: [report]
hehehe, that totally made my morning! And I am REALLY glad I’m not a dolphin!
Trishkabob
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 10:26 am: [report]
hahah #7 sounds like my ex and #10 is hilarious.
Lynn
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 11:39 am: [report]
oh man, that picture weirds me out for some reason. But I love random animal facts, so I kept reading
Humble Bee
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]
I’m totally nicknaming someone Gorilla now, haha.
fallenangel915
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 12:50 pm: [report]
OMG! I don’t even need to take my post-lunch walk anymore…that pic was…schnasty.
fallenangel915
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 12:53 pm: [report]
Oh, and #2 definitely gives new meaning to, “Face down, ass up.”
CuteCora
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 12:55 pm: [report]
OMFG… I would hate to be any of those animals..
crazyincarolina
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 01:26 pm: [report]
I am still laughing about the bees…
Blueclover56
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 01:38 pm: [report]
Haha amazing! and well written. gave more ‘spunk’ to the piece.
Simcha
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 05:59 pm: [report]
@Blueclover56
Mom, is that you? JK, thanks a bunch!
Chelle
wrote on February 18 2009 @ 06:33 pm: [report]
Yet another reason why it’s great to be human
ExGirlfriend
wrote on February 19 2009 @ 01:55 am: [report]
wow… #2 sounds just like me and my boyfriend… once a year, face down for two minutes… But I bet the penguins have more fun.
Isabela Laval
wrote on February 21 2009 @ 12:44 pm: [report]
I love, love, love this article! I was giggling out loud, reading how all these different species mate. I second you, Chelle… It’s great to be a human!