10 Reasons Smart People Have A Hard Time Dating

Arty
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 03:21 pm: [report]

Regardless of the negative slant this article I went to read the Huffington Post article instead. I wanted to see if it really excluded ivy leagers from the rest.

I found that a lot of what was said really applied to me. I was always labeled “smart,” in the “gifted and talented” program, 99th percentile test scores, all that. I chose not to go to an ivy league school.

Numbers 4 and 5 particularly. I always think about things too much (damn frontal lobe!) and reject most of the population for not being able to keep up with me intellectually.

However, I also think I’m too smart to buy a book telling me how I should be dating.

sklut
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 03:51 pm: [report]

Sometimes when people speak I find myself thinking ‘stfu, stfu, stfu, #&@$%, really?! you’re a dumbass, stfu’ the entire time they are talking AT me. Turns out I can read, comprehend, and talk to myself all at the same time…

Negative slant my butt, truth is truth. I’m very well educated but I’ll take getting laid and finding a life partner over out smarting everyone I know. There’s being smart and witty on a date and then there’s being an all out over-educated blow hard. It’s extremely unattractive so I completely understand why an Ivy Leaguer might have a hard time dating.

retro chic
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 03:58 pm: [report]

Yeah, Einstein, mmmm… I wanna get with your rippling Frontal Lobe RIGHT NOW, then work my way to your secret fun spot, Mr. Hypothalamus, then when you can’t take it anymore, I’ll finish you off with some heavy Medulla Oblongata action. barf

wouldntitbenice
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 04:17 pm: [report]

I’m really glad you wrote this. Though that article had some witty one-liners I enjoyed, I don’t appreciate being called stupid because I managed to successfully date and find a partner.

toricore
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 04:37 pm: [report]

The article wasn’t directed exclusively at Ivy Leaguers, and as someone who went to a public university and still considers herself too smart to date 95% of the population, I take offense at this post.

Case in point: the other night, I was talking to a cute, cool guy who - out of nowhere - started bashing the usefulness of a college education, claiming that no one ever uses their degree, and that college degrees are only for people who don’t have a natural talent. As someone who is pursuing (and almost finished with) a masters degree, I took immediate offense. I then reminded him that if people didn’t pursue their “useless” college degrees, he would be out of a job. (He works for a university.)

You don’t want to be judged for not taking your education OMG SUPER SERIOUSLY, so don’t judge me because I *did* take mine seriously. Not only is it completely unfair, but it begs the question: are we not getting dates because we’re academic “snobs” who consider ourselves too good for romantic intimacy, or are we not getting dates because we are consistently judged and ostracized by the majority of the population?

joyy
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 04:49 pm: [report]

@toricore - maybe you’re not getting dates because of your attitude that you’re too smart to date 95% of the population?  And aren’t so many people getting into college these days that grads or at least people with some college are becoming the norm? 

I actually don’t place immediate value on someone’s education because I’ve seen SO MANY MORONS get degrees, even masters’ and doctorates.  I have a BA and I’m (surprisingly) putting it to good use - and I was an English writing major!

That said, my bf, who owns his own biz and literally makes 4-5x what I do (and I make decent money for a 23yo), dropped out of a decent public university 3 years into a math major and has yet to finish the degree.  It’s never impacted his ability to rake in dough and develop a fairly impressive career - not that all of us are in industries where you can do that.

An education (or lack thereof) does not make a person ... unless it’s just another selling point for what a jerk they are If someone can’t hold an adult conversation and display the ability to think logically and critically, I lump them into ‘moron’ status regardless of education status.

toricore
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 05:03 pm: [report]

@joyy: You’re right, I should have been clearer. I’m too smart to date 95% of the population that lives within reasonable dating distance. (Seriously, spend a year trying to date where I live and tell me that’s not the case.)

I think that arguing that education doesn’t help to define a person’s intelligence is like arguing that age is just a number. That might be true to some people, but to me it’s also an indicator of life experience and potential maturity level. In the same way, while a college degree and someone’s brainpower aren’t irrefutably linked, there’s something to be said for someone who is willing (and able) to put in three to four years of hard work to better themselves in the long run.

One Big Voice
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 05:04 pm: [report]

So what if smarter people date less frequently? Quality over quantity, I say. Wouldn’t you rather have five good relationships over fifty lousy ones?

Benzer’s five reasons made no sense to me, so I must not be “among the world’s best humans.”

joyy
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 05:22 pm: [report]

@toricore - lol!  I can’t help but get an even bigger kick out of your comment because I went to college in a very university-heavy med.sized city ... and had to travel 2,000+ miles to find a decent man (see: aforementioned bf).  He’s also 8 years older than me.  Also, I never really dated in hs ... and I doubt I would have been successful dating there if I were still in the community/area I grew up in.

My brother asked me, between serious relationships, if he was unattractive.  He’s not - I just told him that dating is hard, plain and simple.  Doesn’t matter what differences we try to blame it on, whether we’re blaming others or ourselves.  I mean, if dating was easy, it would be called your mom!

strangeasangels
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 07:10 pm: [report]

There are a billion things wrong with this article. There are two different problems in this article being discussed as though they are the same.

There is the problem that intelligent, not just smart, people have. They cannot help their meta-cognition, and over-analyzing is their nature. Intelligence does not equate achievement necessarily. I failed most of my classes in high school and no one had any idea. I was seen as brainy but down to earth, because I had emotional intelligence along with my high IQ. I just hated everyone around me. They were confused by my books and couldn’t keep up with me in conversation. The students with a 4.0, who went on to have a 4.0 in college, weren’t up to snub either. They didn’t care, they weren’t passionate, and they weren’t intelligent. They just memorized. I never had a problem getting people to be interested in me, they had a problem holding my attention when the only book they had read was Catcher in the Rye. I couldn’t develop anything more than a simply sexual relationship with anyone because I was positive I would be bored too quickly.

Then there’s the problem that the smart, yet less intelligent incur. You don’t really need to be intelligent to get into a top school, but you do need to be smart. Straight As in high school does not equate intelligence, and that definitely can continue into undergraduate and graduate studies. They assume that their smarts make them intelligent, and that their achievements make them hot #&@$%. Pseudo-intellectuals are the worst. They’re no easier than your average vapid human being, at times worst because they think they’re on your level when they are so. not.

My achievements came later in life when I was more pleased and challenged by those around me. I dropped out of high school and went to college early. I was constantly intellectually stimulated and earned great grades. I’ve been accepted to Columbia to pursue my ph.D in Comparative Literature and plan to become a professor. I’m thin and blonde and I have big tits. I don’t date too much. I don’t see why I should have to date down if it will just cause me more nuisance than being alone and pursuing my education.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 08:27 pm: [report]

The original douche that wrote that article is a self reciprocating (He would polish his own knob if he could) schmuck. However I do happen to agree with his findings, which needn’t of been said, because the answer is only a mirror away. However I am one to talk, because I am just like him.

People say “It is better to have loved and lost than never to have loved at all”, and it ticks me off. I can’t comprehend dating/loving anyone because I have connection issues, oh the internet is fine and dandy for speaking plainly, but when it comes to interactions with others, I cannot deal with it. I don’t talk to people I don’t know, I do what I have to do, (Work, school, whatever) then I go home and sit there safe and sound (However, comfortable suits the feeling I get). I think I may have Aspergers to a degree, but I don’t feel like getting tested 1, because I am a guy, and we don’t do crap like that, and 2, I will most likely be given medication, which I will not tolerate.

Getting back to intelligence, I think there are 3 components. StrangeAsAngels hit on 2, which were Intelligence Quotient (Problem solving) and Emotional Quotient (How to deal with interpersonal problems). I propose a third intelligence which for lack of a better term I will call, “Street Smarts”. I would like to define them as “The ability to make decisions quickly when presented with a problem, whilst having no prior basis for comparison”. Quick witted is an acceptable synonym I guess.

My Brother is incredibly intelligent when it comes to the traditional definition of intelligence, 40 on his MCATS, Johns Hopkins University, Med School, yadda yadda. I worry that he will forget to look before he crosses the street sometimes. He has had at least a girlfriend, and most likely (Though I don’t want to think about it) gotten laid. I on the other hand abhor physical contact and shy away from people.

Eh, more than counter the original article I just poked at my flaws instead. Thanks Frisky.

sarahwin
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 08:31 pm: [report]

Why is it so hard to believe someone wants to date their intellectual equal?  For example, someone who uses the word complement properly (not compliment).

vegdumpling
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 08:33 pm: [report]

when you are coming from a certain level of intelligence many people just aren’t interesting enough to hold your attention.  i don’t have to have the excuse of a greater education to understand this because i don’t have a lot of “higher” education because of various obstacles in my way.  it isn’t exactly what you know but maybe how you think about it.  people don’t think anything strange about wanting to be with someone who has similar interests to you but wanting someone who understands you when you geek out over something, well, that’s being pretentious.

i’ve had friends and dated people who weren’t close to me as far as intelligence goes and sure i can connect with them but the most meaningful relationships i’ve had are with people who were.  what’s wrong with wanting to spend your life with someone who can challenge you intellectually?  i like being with someone who doesn’t think it’s weird i’d rather read than watch tv, i like that we have books in all our cupboards, i like never having to worry about using a word that the other person doesn’t understand.  there aren’t so many people i’ve met in my life who get those parts of me and it feels good to be with people who do.

loveitlala
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 08:37 pm: [report]

I’ve seen this book reviewed negatively on a few websites.  I think it’s appropriate due to the very exclusive nature of who the author thinks is intellegent (many Ivy Leaguers are, uhm, not) and isn’t (people from Stanford, Northwestern, Wash U, UCSF, or ANY OTHER college that contains at least one smart or hard-working student). 

However many of the very smart and hard-working med studnets at my school fit the author’s descriptions perfectly.

The point I find most compelling is: “Ivy grads feel entitled to love because their smarts make them among the world’s best humans.”  Many of the men at my school expect their title will get them a date.  Many of the women at my school find men who run the other direction when they find out they will be a doctor which reinforces that they can only date someone who makes more money than them.  All of us are used to getting our butts kissed by teachers and professors in the form of A’s, getting into any school we want, and are reinforced by our families and society that we are special and to be respected.  When someone doesn’t fit what we’ve been told we deserve we don’t give second chances. 

I also agree with a variation on “Ivy grads learned a cause/effect relationship to love—learning stuff from books equated to love from their parents. But as adults, love is built through thoughtful, caring relationships and that just wasn’t a section on the SATs.” 

Everything we’ve ever wanted we’ve been able to work for.  The more work put in the more we’ve accomplished.  Love just doesn’t work that way… you can’t control the feelings of another.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 9 2009 @ 08:38 pm: [report]

“Higher education” is BS, which is true because a BS is just like having a High School diploma now (I am not speaking down to anyone with one though, so no offense given I hope).

@Sarahwin “Why is it so hard to believe someone wants to date their intellectual equal?  For example, someone who uses the word complement properly (not compliment).”

When you are in the top 2%, the bell curve really limits your choice, pick, luck, whatever.

elthrilla
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 04:08 am: [report]

@sprinkibrio:  You’re comment about men running from women who might earn more money than them is spot on.  As a young woman (23) getting her PhD, I’ve definitely had problems with men who run away when they find out my academic aspirations.  I consider it a blessing in that sense, because why waste time with someone who thinks men should be smarter or earn more money than the women they are involved with.  However, I rarely mention it because a) I like to keep my research separate from the rest of my life (much like many don’t want to talk about their work outside of their job) and b) I study film and EVERYONE has an opinion about films and EVERYONE has a movie I should watch, and often it just turns into the same conversation over and over.

I also have to point out that the Ivy’s mainly run on street cred and entitlement.  There are loads of universities that are better and/or harder to get in with much lower acceptance rates, but people continue to go there because it will look and sound good to future employers AND make them feel smarter than the rest of the population.  California has plenty of schools that are even BETTER than the Ivy’s but are less known.  The school where I did my undergrad is almost a secret society in the sense that few know about it but when you mention it to someone who does, you get much more of a response than when someone says they went to any of the Ivys.

40yrolddad
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 08:43 am: [report]

I can’t speak to the ivy league part (went to a well-respected but non-MIT/Cal Tech engineering school myself) but having significantly above-average intelligence was definitely a liability for me in my dating days (which thankfully ended well over a decade ago).  this is an extremely difficult subject on which to have an honest discussion because NOTHING good ever comes from people knowing your intellectual credentials (whether IQ, degree[s] or whatever).  they will almost always do one or more of the following (& quite frankly I’ll be shocked if I don’t get at least one reply that fits neatly into one or more of these):

1.  assume you think you are smarter than you actually are and:
    a.  make it their holy crusade to “expose” you.
    b.  secretly resent you and tell everyone behind your back how much smarter you think you think you are than them and/or you actually are.
2.  assume you think you are “better” than everyone else as if a higher IQ/PhD/etc makes you any “better” than being taller, more athletic, more attractive, etc than normal does.
3.  assume you are socially awkward and/or have no “normal” interests (a brilliant but amazingly “normal” aerospace engineer I work w/told me a pastor at his former church once told the single women in the congregation “never marry an engineer”).
4.  a bunch of other bad stuff I don’t feel like remembering, reliving and/or typing…

all I can say is I can not overstate how grateful I am that my dating days are long behind me (gone w/the 1st Clinton administration)!

toricore
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 08:58 am: [report]

@40yrolddad: Several of the comments posted before yours already fit neatly into points 1 and 2, so you’re right on track : )

toricore
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 09:02 am: [report]

(and not to mention, in the original post itself.)

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 09:21 am: [report]

@40yrolddad: Did you go to ‘tute or Clarkson?

dream316
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 12:01 pm: [report]

Thank you 40yrolddad!  I agree 100%.  Another point worth mentioning is that even though everyone seems to think it is ok to rip mercilessly on Ivy League grads, because it is assumed we need to be taken down a notch or two, the haters need to realize that either a) If you went to a legitimately good school (and though the Ivy League may be tainted with some duds, there are also unquestionably great schools in it too) you were probably already made aware of your mere mortality in the intelligence department.  Unless you fit in category b, going to a school where everyone was as smart or smarter than you were was a humbling enough experience without everyone in the real world after college making fools of themselves trying to make you feel bad about your degree.  OR
b) You’re a narcissist, in which case you’re oblivious to all the haters, because clearly they have not met you, the smartest and most attractive person you’ve ever known.  These people are not going to learn from your futile attempts to burst their bubble, so save your energy and stop trying.

Either way, hating on schools that are considered better than yours just makes you look insecure and bitter.  I’m tired of apologizing for where I went to school, and I hate that I need to slap the “but don’t worry, I don’t think I’m superior to you because of it” disclaimer on it.  I worked my tail off getting into college and getting out of there, why can’t I be as proud of my achievement as others are of their degrees from schools with less cachet??

One Big Voice
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 12:19 pm: [report]

@ sprinkibrio - Gotta disagree with you on this point: “Everything we’ve ever wanted we’ve been able to work for.  The more work put in the more we’ve accomplished.  Love just doesn’t work that way… “

I think it DOES work exactly that way. If you work hard at looking for a relationship, you will find one. If, once in a relationship, you both work hard at maintaining it, it will be successful.

I do agree that even if you do all that, sometimes it just doesn’t pan out. Like you say, forcing someone to love you doesn’t work. Then you have to try to understand what went wrong, and use it the next time. Of course this seems simple in theory, but love makes people do some crazy sh*t in practice. For example, who hasn’t been attracted to someone you know is not a good match for you - but don’t want to admit this to yourself,because you’re blinded by loneliness?

Backliteyes
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 06:29 pm: [report]

“We all value a good education, but stop thinking your slumming it with someone just because they didn’t go to Yale too.”

It should be you’re not your. I thought that was amusing in a sentence that claimed everyone values a good education.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 06:48 pm: [report]

I didn’t learn anything in College that I couldn’t of picked up by watching Jeopardy.

Thepastorsson
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 06:48 pm: [report]

Smart men have found a pack of haters, dammmm. Anyways i agree with the part that they do talk alot about themselves but hey just let them know and ill bet they will bring it back a notch… our mnds just go 2 fast all we think is about business all day… 71flavors.com

retro chic
wrote on March 10 2009 @ 09:57 pm: [report]

@Gabby1: Thank you… for so deftly raising the bar on an otherwise *mensa whine-fest* to a place where humanity and differences are allowed/encouraged to exist… (which are, btw, essential to our evolution).

Further… While it might be lonely at the top, many people feel like 5%-ers somewhere basic to their happiness, trying to find their own niche—not at all a unique dating dilemma. Let’s have more openness and comPASSION. The rest is masturbation.

Intellectual and social well-being—like an orgasm—is our own responsibility.

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 11 2009 @ 07:31 am: [report]

Mensa is top 2%, I took the test last weekend.

retro chic
wrote on March 11 2009 @ 08:36 am: [report]

^ Congratulations, Fromaaaaaggge! My 5% was in ref to article/posters’ 95%—I would never dream of taking away your 3%, darlin.’ And, in ref to your three IQ/EQ/SS theory, shall we break thru to the fourth dimension? Common Sense? ***

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 11 2009 @ 10:23 am: [report]

^ 80’s girl, I think that will work as a legitimate breakdown.

misspixie
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 05:08 pm: [report]

What a load of generalised bollocks. I went to a top three uni and I have never had a problem with this and neither did a lot of my peers (actually, there was probably too much dating and not enough working….!)

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 12 2009 @ 06:54 pm: [report]

@Cyberpixie: Don’t call me and my theories testicles. Pip pip, cheerio! I’ll be taking a lorry down to the loo after fish and chips.

Long live The Stig!

misspixie
wrote on March 13 2009 @ 02:49 am: [report]

@CheeeeEEEEse

Love it - someone who watches Top Gear. Genius.

You forgot cups of tea and marmalade

CheeeeEEEEse
wrote on March 13 2009 @ 05:48 am: [report]

I was trying to throw “Bangers and mash” in there but with the “Fish and chips” reference it didn’t seem do-able. I did get to see Oz and James Drink to Britain’s final episode where they declare a cuppa the drink of Britain, but that slipped my mind as well.