Turn-Ons: Money; sluts; Dane Cook, Tosh.O, and misogynist comedy; strip clubs; capitalism; whores who know their place; capitalism.
Turn-Offs: Socialism; feminazis; homeless people who beg for change; dating; taxes; dentistry.
Ideal First Date: Dates are a waste of time and money. Fuck 'em. However, after a refreshing afternoon of bartering for goods at the local flea market -- who doesn't love a deal?! -- the Ferengi dater will treat himself/herself to a massage (full body, with specific focus on the head and ears), followed by a lap dance at the local nudie bar.
______ is sexy, ______ is sexier: One million dollars is sexy, one billion dollars is sexier.
Who pays on a date? Snort. Dates are for suckers.
Favorite sexual position: Does masturbating to hardcore porn count?
Big swoon worthy move: Doing something -- anything -- for you that doesn't benefit them even more.