Diamonds aren't a girl's best friend, that distinction belongs to high heels. Besides elongating the leg, they tone the calve muscles, which means she gets to skip yoga. But any heel over four inches is simply a disaster waiting to happen. Even if you're not drunk! Clowns go to school to learn to walk on stilts, yet certain women persist on teetering around in sky-high stilettos without training whatsoever. One pavement crack away from a broken ankle, they walk slower than Jesus, always needing a hand to get down the stairs or help her up from the curbside onto which she fell. The sky-scraping length of the heel indicates that she's more interested in how she looks than getting anywhere on time -- even with the assistance of her Sherpa posing as a boyfriend. I am not saying women should wear sensible heels -- no self-respecting hottie would, amIright? -- I just think any pump that can be registered as a lethal weapon should be left at home above the mantle next to the samurai swords and the gun rack.