Kim Kardashian & Nick Lachey

What Actually Happened: This almost-couple shouldn’t come as any surprise, I suppose, yet it managed to escape my notice until now. After his split from Jessica Simpson, Nick Lachey apparently dipped his wang in the Kardashian pool, well before “Keeping Up With The Kardashians” was ruining all our lives. In fact, a gossip item I just read, that was written at the time of their first date, refers to Kim as “Kimberly,” a “fashion stylist.” We were so innocent then.

What Could Have Happened If They Became A Couple: Oh my god, you guys, the things we might have been sparred. First of all, Kim only became famous because of the sex tape she made with with Ray J which was after she dated Nick. If she and Nick had lasted, that sex tape wouldn’t have happened and the space time continuum would have been set right. Besides, Nick had already seen the destruction a reality show can cause a relationship, so there’s likely no way he would have been in favor of doing a reality show with Kim and her krazy family. I like to think these two would have still split and Nick would be happily married to Vanessa Minnillo and expecting his first child (why punish Nick in this scenario, you know?), but Kim would still be “Kimberly, fashion stylist.”

Level Of Relief This Couple Was Not Meant To Be: Relief? Why would I be relieved? This is madness! Goddammit, where is a time machine when I need one?!?!