8 Things I’m Going To Do Now That It’s Fall

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I like to pretend that my favorite time of year is summer, because if I don’t, I’ll spend the whole summer lying face-up on the sidewalk in my underwear, crying about how cruel the universe is to have created humidity like we had a few weeks ago. I know, I know. We don’t get it as bad here in Chicago as some other places in the country, but I have a hard time tolerating it.

The big secret is that fall — the like two weeks of it that we generally get here, although autumn is shaping up pretty well this year — is my absolute favorite time of year. It’s back-to-school season! So many different produce items are in season right now! I can leave my apartment without instantly dying, which isn’t true in summer or winter! Halloween is coming up! It’s liberating! Keep reading »

Kate Hudson & Goldie Hawn Claim They Can See Dead People

  • Kate Hudson told a British talk show host that she and her mom Goldie Hawn both have the ability to “see dead people” by sensing a “fifth energy” around them. Hudson explained, “It is not really seeing, it is feeling a spirit. A fifth energy. I believe in energy. I believe our brains can manifest into visual things.” Oooooooookay. [Daily Mail UK]
  • A 40-something woman broke into Keanu Reeves’ home early Monday morning and sat down in a chair in his library. Reeves stumbled upon the woman, who explained she had come to meet him, and calmly chatted with her until he was able to dial 911. Creeeeeepy. [TMZ]
  • Giuliana Rancic said she isn’t sure that “Fashion Police” will continue without Joan Rivers. [US Weekly]

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7 Creative Ways To Tell Someone To F**k Off (Without Swearing)

7 Creative Ways To Tell Someone To F**k Off (Without Swearing)

I don’t think I heard my mom swear much until I was over twenty. I don’t know if it was her über-Midwestern upbringing, or if that would be too precious a stereotype to apply to a woman who also raised me on action movies (like explosions-action-movies), who owned and read Steven King’s entire oeuvre, who managed Muddy Waters, who laughed off religious relatives’ objections to me “practicing” Wicca in middle school, who begrudged but didn’t stop me from dying my hair bright red and getting tattoos, and who, in general, is a pretty tough broad.

But she didn’t swear much. Like, practically never. She did the washing-our-mouths-with-soap thing, and when I swore in front of her the first time in the car (I let “who the hell is that?” slip when I was 10), she slammed on the brakes and turned to me, aghast.

This didn’t rub off on me, of course — fuck that shit. I’m thrilled I’ve found a job where I can swear at only a slightly-less-than-in-real-life sort of rate when I write. That being said, I find that my mom’s old habit of coming up with colorful, narrative, or absurd ways to tell people she did not give fucks or that they needed to buzz off without swearing can be both effective and disorienting to the person receiving the insult. To that end, I’ve come up with some of my own ways to tell people I don’t care… Keep reading »

Flask Mittens Are The Only Way You’re Going To Survive This Winter

It’s no secret that I hate winter with a very special kind of passion, which is unfortunate considering the fact that on the East Coast it tries to linger on all the way into late April like a bitter ex that won’t go away. Thankfully, these flask mittens now exist, so I can simultaneously keep myself extra toasty and take the edge off the reality of a 4 p.m. sunset. The flask has a bite valve to save you the hassle of having to take off the mittens to unscrew the top, because come winter you’ll presumably have already wasted 20 minutes of your day getting all those layers on in the first place and it would just be crazy to take the mitten off again. I think these are meant to be for chilly football games, ski trips, sledding, and other adventuresome outdoor activities instead of day-to-day winter commuting. Sure, I’ll use them for those exciting things, but hell, I’ll be needing them just to make it to the corner bodega and back. Let’s be honest with ourselves — for all we know, three more Polar Vortexes could be on their way this year. Now is the time to prepare! Think of these as a loving gift to your future self — the one who will have to get up at 6am on a February weekend morning to shovel your driveway. [That's Nerdalicious]

8 First Dates So Terrible They Made The News

I once had a first date where the guy made a joke about putting a roofie in my drink before we even met, made loud, nasty comments about everyone else at the bar, negged me, talked about pooping and went on a lengthy rant about hating fat people. I consider this the very, very worst first date I’ve had the misfortune to go on.

But really, that’s nothing compared to the first date Leon Shaw went on with an as-yet-unidentified woman in Gig Harbor, Washington. Because he ended up dead. According to The Pierce County Sheriff’s Office, the date started like many others — with the newly introduced couple throwing back a few drinks at a bar. Shaw’s date suggested they amble on over to the home of a tattoo artist friend, where more drinks were consumed before the woman asked the tattooist to ink her chest. Apparently Shaw became pissed when his date and her friend “became intimate” and a fight ensued. The woman stormed out of the house in just a T-shirt, hopped in Shaw’s truck and started the engine. When he followed her out into the driveway, she allegedly ran him over, and by the time the tattoo artist came out, she and the truck were gone and Shaw was dead. The woman crashed Shaw’s truck about one-quarter mile away and was trapped inside the vehicle when police arrived. She’s currently in the hospital in critical condition and has not yet been charged with a crime, as police still need to interview her. Let this be yet another lesson not to drink and drive — on a first date or otherwise — and to take a pal, not a romantic interest, along for support when getting spontaneous chest tattoos. [Crimefeed]

Click through to hear about some of the other horrendous first dates that will make you feel so, so much better about all the bad ones you’ve been on.

Aubrey Plaza Will Voice Grumpy Cat In Upcoming Lifetime Movie

  • Aubrey Plaza will voice Grumpy Cat in the upcoming Lifetime movie “Grumpy Cat’s Worst Christmas Ever.” Poor Grumpy Cat, she probably just wants to take naps in the sun and get belly rubs like a normal cat, but instead she endures a life of show biz and overpetting. The film is about an overlooked pet store kitty who meets a 12-year-old girl who can communicate with her, and it will premiere on November 29. Get excited! [MTV]
  • Darrell Hammond will take over for Don Pardo as announcer for “Saturday Night Live.” Pardo passed away last month. [NYMag.com]
  • This accidentally swearing Barbie has moms totally pissed (and is hilarious). [Cosmopolitan]
  • Eight animal-based sex positions besides doggystyle. [College Humor] Keep reading »
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