Zergnet: Simply Irresistible
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Friends will be your raft to the promise land of good times and lots of booty. No matter how busy work gets or how unmotivated you feel, life is happening all round you and your friends are there to remind you of that fact. Even if you get pulled away kicking and screaming, trust by the end of the week, those screams will be stimulated by pleasure, not pain.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
Your sweetie is no mind reader. If you want him to get a clue on the crap he’s slacking off on — in terms of his own life, not just your relationship, then you will have to take the Mom stance and give it to him straight. For optimum results, plan your attack for the 10th, as you’ll magically find the words that inspire rather than just nag.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Stop taking the passive role when it comes to matters of the heart. You know the power inside of you and the drive you have when the chips are down — consider this one of those times when you’ll need to climb from the ashes and claim your prize. Otherwise, you’ll only come across like a victim, and in your eyes, can there be anything worse?
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
You’re the sign of morality and honesty. If someone is not able to be truthful, you take it as a sign of a weak character. You know you would never take on a friend that would behave shadily, so stop making excuses for a hot someone that looks the part, but can’t act it. If you were after something more superficial, then fine, but admit it, you never operate that trivially.
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Romance will take your brain over and slip you into a one-track mind that has you thinking for two instead of just one. Don’t try to fight this loving feeling, as most people would kill to be in your situation — cozy enough with someone worthy of your gushy thoughts. Sure, you might be out of your element, but as you’ll soon find out, this one will also fit you like a glove.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Time to make decisions, pros and con lists and all round judging of your life. Whether you’re single or attached, habits need switching and there’s no time to waste. Stop blaming the world for your past decisions and realize nothing is permanent. If you try to rationalize your unsatisfactory outlook anymore, you’ll only be digging deeper into dismalness.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
Opinions from your family only make you want to do the opposite, making this one of those weeks when you’ll say too much to the one your with, which can cause some minor upheavals as those confessed feelings are driven more by rebellion than honesty. Sure, you can try to fight fate, but sometimes it’s easier to get out of trouble by messing up than standing up.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
It’s one thing to be curious, it’s another thing to ask questions to instigate gossip and rumors. Sure, life is a bit dull right now, but starting trouble is not the way to rock your world. Rather, to put yourself to good use, start planning a redo of your place and bring out your nesting instinct. It in turn will reveal your softer side and attract energy back that’s more sweet than sour.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
Keep discussions light when it comes to anything dealing with love. If you try to force something deeper before it’s time, it’ll only kill the steady stride you are on now. This is the time to flirt, share comedic, yet endearing, jabs and things that are all about fun. If you don’t spend your week laughing, rethink your crush.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You know it’s wrong to create tests for prospects to pass, but in your chaotic life, you need some structure. Sure, it’s like a trap, and with your rules, typically no one could ever win. However, this week, there’s one way someone can take home the prize — a little bribery. Yes, amazing what a little green can do, especially in light of your record for dating so many broke ass losers.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Unless you’re with a psycho, no person is going to be upfront about every little detail of their past. No matter how healthy your relationship, there are always going to be secrets. So, while your paranoia starts to get you hot under the collar, redirect it towards something more productive — like other oral fixations. Besides, would you want to reveal all your skeletons?
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
This week, your critical meter will be raging at abnormal proportions and the cat claws will be out. Your patience will be worn thin, but oddly enough this berating routine of yours will build into a bizarre foreplay act that’ll have someone eating out of the palm of your hand soon enough. However, think of this encounter more like an appetizer, rather than the entrée.
Sometimes when I’m in my hippie-dippy yoga classes I think that some of what I’m hearing is a load of hooey. A couple weeks ago, the teacher in my class (who happens to be, not to brag, I swear, Uma Thurman’s brother) was talking about how we store emotional issues and trauma in our body and that’s why we’re not as flexible as we could be. So, like, when you can’t do a split, it’s not because your body isn’t capable, it’s because you haven’t worked through certain issues yet in your yoga practice. I thought that sounded like crap. Well, today I read an article about how humans store emotional trauma in their hip joints and that yoga can help relieve that trauma, resulting in the potential to totally bawl your eyes out when you’re doing a Warrior pose, or whatever. That’s why it’s recommended that Iraq war veterans take yoga classes. Crazy huh? This is the last time I shall ever question Uma’s brother again. [Star-Telegram.com] Keep reading »
Friday marked the sweet 16th Anniversary of my first kiss — conveniently also on Independence Day. I thought it was going to go down just like DJ Tanner and Steve on Full House. In my case, the poor kid licked my face and then ran back to the boy’s side of my sleep away camp. I’d never seen a fat kid run so fast. But I also found out two key things over the summer make-out session: 1. Practice makes perfect. 2. Spring may have its flings, but in summer, things really heat up. We all want to be naked, we’re already warmed up, and everyone is out and about, strutting their stuff and bumping into strangers. It’s a booty buffet and this summer is already looking pretty steamy! Have you ladies been putting the ho in hot too? Confess in the comments…
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Stumped for a gift for your guy that isn’t GTA4 or the latest 10-blade razor? Have no fear! The Frisky has teamed up with Thrillist to bring you the top guy stuff that doesn’t suck—like this totally extreme skimboard! You can thank us after your BF is done thanking you.
Water: Banzai Skimboard Surfer
When you take a Slip ‘n’ Slide, juice up its waterflow, and chuck in a 30-inch wood skimboard, you get a whole new arena in which to display the lack of coordination that caused the circus to run away without you. Pick up the Surfer at WalMart.com. Keep reading »
We’re off tomorrow! Enjoy the 4th of July Frisky readers!