Putting on pasties for the first time was fabulous. Putting on pasties for the first time while lactatingâ€”well, that was fabulous and messy. But no matter what, I refuse to turn them in!
Before I became a mom, I regularly emceed a bunch of New York-based burlesque shows (Starshine Burlesque, Le Scandal, and Red Hots Burlesque to name a few) and I found that audiences enjoyed my raunchy persona, a combination of Elviraâ€™s boobs and wardrobe, Ethel Merman’s voice and Rudy Ray Mooreâ€™s mouth (and if you donâ€™t know who Rudy Ray Moore is, I encourage you to get schooled immediately). But once I had a kid, everyone seemed to assume that I would change, that Iâ€™d become more, oh, I donâ€™t know, virginal. I always thought that was kind of odd. After all, I had an 8 pound 12 ounce infant pop out of my vag, so there was no longer anything even remotely virginal about me (not like there had been before).
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I was the kind of kid who never had my friends over to my house to play or for sleepovers because I would get really stressed out about entertaining them and making sure they had a good time. Even now I sort of dread having overnight guests or visitors from out of town — even my own family! — not because I don’t, like, love them and want to see them, but because I get serious anxiety over making sure they have THE BEST TIME EVER. I have a birthday party every year, sure, but do not for a second doubt that I have a knot in my stomach about people showing up until I get good and drunk. Therefore, it should come as no surprise that I have loads of anxiety about planning a wedding that is both friggin’ awesome for me and the feef, but for our guests as well. So why not elope and save myself the gray hairs and crippling anxiety? Because I truly want to have a huge bash surrounded by our friends and family; I want to wear a pretty dress I will never wear again; I want a professional photographer to take our picture and airbrush out the three zits on my face that never go away; I want to have the kind of party that really embodies who the feef and I are.
I want to have a wedding, damn it. There. I said it. Keep reading »
Gwyneth Paltrow got a “C” tattooed on her thigh, Cindy Adams reported in today’s New York Post. That’s “C” for Chris Martin and Coldplay. I don’t understand getting a tattoo in honor of a significant other — a blood relative, maybe (after all, you’re already stuck with them forever). Perhaps this is a highly pessimistic opinion, but I think getting tattooed with someone’s name almost guarantees the relationship won’t last, as a few celebs have learned…
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Maybe that’s a politically incorrect way to put our love for Ginnifer Goodwin, considering the current polygamy scandal in the news, but I think you get the point. She plays Margene Hendrickson on the hit HBO show Big Love — find out which sister wife you’re most like by taking the “Are You A Nicki?” quiz on HBO.com. Keep reading »
Anne Slowey, fashion news director at Elle, told The New York Times that the dress will end its long reign at the end of August, and we should all wear trousers instead. This is a sad prediction, and rather unexpected. Retail analysts at NPD Group determined that from April 2006 to April 2007, there were more than $5 billion sales of dresses, 30 percent higher than the previous year. We wear them about four days out of every week and are not sure how our legs will react to being encased in fabric all day. Dresses are wonderful creations. Yes, they’re feminine and flattering, but they have other merits, as well. As Amelia says, “They’re drafty, and they make it easier to pee in public.” [NY Times] Keep reading »
Getting dumped sucks, but thereâ€™s always a lesson to be learned from a failed relationship, right? Ben Karlin and the other men who contributed to Things Iâ€™ve Learned From Women Whoâ€™ve Dumped Me seem to think so. We had real-life couple (who have broken up and gotten back together) read and discuss the book of essays.
Yasmin: I donâ€™t know what to make of this book. Some of the essays had me cracking up, and others left me thinking, â€œWhereâ€™s the punch line?â€
Harley: I actually thought it was a great idea to take a bunch of writers and comedians and have them share their stories about getting screwed over by girls. I found myself thinking back on similar events. No matter who you are, you can relate, you know? Keep reading »
A good-looking guy can approach you with a manly swagger, but if his smile is busted, game over. And no amount of alcohol can make you feel good about frenching a mouth full of rotten nubbin teeth. Sorry, Austin Powers. So whereâ€™s a girl to go? According to Menâ€™s Health, the best bites are in the Midwest, with cities like Minneapolis, Madison, and St. Paul topping their lists. Although Las Vegas is ranked high as one the cities that buy the most floss, weâ€™re pretty sure the locals call it â€œg-strings.â€ [Menâ€™s Health] Keep reading »
Holy crap! Remember Evan Dando, the studly, emotional lead singer of The Lemonheads? We thought he was dead. Not so! The singer made an appearance, looking exactly the same as he did 22 years ago when the band was formed, at the NME Awards this week. Umm, apparently The Lemonheads aren’t dead either and are currently in the studio recording a new album. Whatever, we hope they still play “It’s A Shame About Ray” at their live shows. Keep reading »
Harrison Ford got his chest waxed on Access Hollywood in order to shock people into paying attention to deforestation. This is especially interesting considering how shy and reclusive the Indiana Jones star is known for being. Apparently the painful removing of his chest hair is supposed to draw a parallel to the devastating impact deforestation has on the planet. Listen, Solo, you are preaching to the choir. We appreciate the sincere message, but women have been waxing for years. Besides, we’ve all seen The 40-Year Old Virgin by now. Lookin’ good though! [Access Hollywood via Ecorazzi] Keep reading »
A lot has changed since Sex and the City went off the air four years ago, including the show’s opening music. Written for the movie, “Labels & Love” is inspired by the original, lyric-less ditty and sung by Fergie. “Itâ€™s an entirely new song with lyrics, but it has the Sex and the City theme as the DNA — on steroids,” according to the movie’s director, Michael Patrick King. Give it a listen and tell us whether it’s your new favorite song. We think it sounds like it was put together in a hurry on Fergie’s home computer using Garage Band. [Greasy Guide] Keep reading »