19 Christmas Presents That Will Not Get You Laid

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Mistletoe Underwear, $7.48, BoxerGifts.com

If you hear some bells jinglin’ this Christmas season, look out. It might be a dude with this thong on! In that case, you’ll probably want to run. In this season of giving, some people are just, well, doing it all wrong. It’s amazing how quickly North Pole-themed items can go so south. This mistletoe g-string is just the tip of the iceberg, pun intended! Click through to see some unsexy Christmas presents that you should not put under the tree unless your New Year’s resolution is to be celibate in the coming year.

Chelsea And 50 Cent Sitting In A Tree, K-I-S-S-I-N-G

Oh, that wily Chelsea Handler. “I don’t know why anyone thinks I would ever date a rapper,” she tweeted, along with the above photo of her and 50 Cent embracing on a bed. So are these two really dating? Just tell us already. Also a question: does she have a red light in her bedroom? [Huffington Post] Keep reading »

Totally DIY-Able Nail Art

I love nail art—been doing it for years, um, been getting it DID for years. I had the raddest, weirdest nails waaaaay before Willow Smith was on the scene. Swarovski crystals, 3D designs that were painstakingly done one petal at a time, multi-color hand-painted scenes, etc — all done by my amazing nail artist Thomas. I had it all. Or so I thought! Enter the totally DIY-able nail marbling technique. Keep reading »

Jillian Michaels Leaving “The Biggest Loser”: What Should She Do Next?

Jillian Michaels seems like someone I should like. She is hardworking, entrepreneurial, ardently tries to bring out the best in people, and is famous for something other than her butt. But frankly, the woman terrifies me. I cannot watch “The Biggest Loser” without fear that her glistening six-pack of steel will appear in my living room and scream, “Drop and give me 20! No, 50!”

Jillian recently tweeted that she is moving onto greener pastures. “Season 11 of Biggest Loser will be my last :) have to finish out my contract,” she said, referring to the season that starts in January. The notoriously intense personal trainer told her fans that she wants to “become a mommy” (likely through adoption), but we have some other career ideas for Miss Jillian: Keep reading »

Best. Job. Ever.

Dear Amelia: I am quitting to move to China and reintroduce fuzzy panda cubs back into the wild — effective immediately. The Hetaoping Research and Conservation Center for the Giant Panda in Wolong National Nature Reserve breeds pandas and then tries to successfully integrate them into the forest and bring them back from extinction. Uh, in panda suits. Insert “furries” joke here.

After the jump, more panda madness … Keep reading »

Do Not Want: Bed Sheet Cape

I’m all for capes, whether they be plaid wool or nylon with a Superman logo, but this gray jersey version by Kirrily Johnston is a dead ringer for the bed sheet I wrap around myself when I have the flu. If that wasn’t bad enough, it’s inexplicably being modeled with a see-through shirt and camel toe. Suddenly, I don’t feel so good. [$80, Shopbop] Keep reading »

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