Zergnet: Simply Irresistible
This week, I got an email from a lady who’s having a hard time getting her man up for sex. Here’s what she wrote:
“My boyfriend didn’t even get an erection when I was topless, underneath him, kissing him! He is under a lot of stress, but so am I. When we do have, usually scheduled, sex, it is amazing, very intimate and passionate. But I’m a very sexual person, it is part of my nature, I want some quantity as well as quality. Now he wants me to go ‘cold turkey’ until he ‘sorts his head out.’ He does recognize the problem, but doesn’t offer any solutions. He is a wonderful boyfriend and truly loves me. What do I do?”
Juicy Couture recently unleashed a new “female-friendly” bubblegum pink keyboard cover that goes perfectly with my Malibu Barbie. Now, Memorex is coming out with its own for women, by women electronics line that will incorporate “stylish designs’ and be easy to use. Because according to Kasia van Hall of Memorex, “even if women are up-to-date with technology, they simply don’t have the energy to read long instructions [they probably won’t understand] and play with cables.”
So, how exactly will these new products appeal to women? Well, they’ll be pink, and shaped like purses! What a relief. I was really having trouble figuring out how to use my white, rectangular speakers. Fitting its plug into an outlet is much too confusing for my female brain to handle!
The new line of products is inspired by a survey Memorex conducted, in which a reported 70 percent of women said they feel ignored by the consumer electronics market. I’m pretty sure that’s not because the products aren’t pink; marketers are determined to believe otherwise.
But as we’ve seen before, with offensive ad campaigns such as the one for “Della,” (a website “for the ladies” that is great for “finding recipes,” “counting calories,” “shopping,” and “tech tips”), companies just can’t seem to figure out what women want. While they work on figuring it out, we’ve compiled the top 10 gag-worthy gadgets that are perfect for pink-loving princesses, and no one else.
Virgo (August 23 – September 22)
Don’t reward wimpy behavior. No matter what you think may be going on with your crush’s life, the fact is you shouldn’t make excuses for him. if he can’t take responsibility for himself and communicate or at least be decently responsive, then why sit around and wait for understanding? If you really know your worth, you’d know to move on.
Libra (September 23 – October 22)
To every story there is always a few more sides than your own and this week, you’ll be getting that change of scenery that you weren’t expecting. The good news is that it will probably better than you imagined and will be more fulfilling in the long run. However, at first glance you might not be so impressed, but know there is more than meets the eye with epiphanies now.
Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)
Shift gears and go the opposite way. If you’ve been reserved as of late, go out and have yourself a parade. If you’ve been a wild nympho, time to put on the chastity belt. Whichever you can, switching up and doing a 180 in your routines will be the miraculous way to draw in what you want. Who knows how this will work, but according to the stars that is what will work.
Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)
Just as your love life has been sailing along, in totally balance with your life, in comes a big ole pothole to shake you up and have you seeing a few new sides to your sweetie. If you’re lucky, this will mean a more darling side — but if you’re the majority, expect to be seeing a bratty mess that will have you wondering where the hotness is. (Don’t worry, verbally, you’ll set it straight.)
Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)
Keep your communication to the basic facts. Whoever you are talking to, someone new or someone you’ve been seeing, this is the time when practicality and putting your brain to work in a more logical way will bode well for you. Although the temptation to go into the closet of skeletons is there, keep conversations light. As it goes, delicate sensibilities are on the line.
Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)
Life is about to get ten times more fun, as your party house lights up with passion and thrills. Seems all the universe is turning its power to you, giving you all sorts of sexy little influences that’ll make your world just that more special — like new flirtations, interesting agreements, spontaneous opportunities and all round exciting happenings. Dig it.
Pisces (February 19 – March 20)
The good news first: you should have a fabulous hair week. The bad news, despite how hot you feel and look, you won’t feel as if anyone in your vicinity is worth sharing that with, as it’ll feel as if no one is on par with you mentally. While you dominate conversations, at least be glad you’ve come to realize it takes more than a pretty face to turn you out.
Aries (March 21 – April 19)
Keep moving forward, talking to everyone in sight and keeping your options open. This isn’t time to get too serious about anything, or it’ll be the first and last mistake you make in ruining a good time. The less you intense you are and lighter the attitude you have, the more you will be able to give space to whomever it is that will start to gain relevance as the weeks go on.
Taurus (April 20 – May 20)
If you’ve been saving for a rainy day, feel free to let this week be your time to indulge yourself in mindless spending and luxuriously pampering. Make it a little adventure if you can, perhaps taking a spontaneous weekend trip or even longer if possible. Now is the time to get yourself back in the spotlight of your own life.
Gemini (May 21 – June 20)
You’re going to have to get more selfish and competitive about what you want. The wishy washy la-la routine is cute, but you know that you can’t hide behind good manners too long, because when it comes down to it, your passion and ambition is going to eat you alive and without heeding it’s call, you will never be satisfied.
Cancer (June 21 – July 22)
Your kinky little beast will be driving nails into your brain until you do as it says. This isn’t time to be held back because of your fears, as confronting the worst and best sides of who you are on the agenda and about to turn up the heat in your life in a way you never thought. Confidence, passion and most importantly, imagination are yours in spades. Use it or lose it.
Leo (July 23 – August 22)
Barking out orders as if you were Queen of the World is a habit that often put you on people’s s**t list, but this week lo and behold, it’ll work beautifully. Somehow, the way you wield that magic will have a sorcery to make men fall at your feet and do and say as you command. However, use this power for good and not ego, or your dominance will ultimately fail you.
Television producers might be running out of ideas for new shows, because the people over at Lifetime have taken what is essentially the episode of “The Tyra Banks Show” when Tyra dons a fat suit to experience what it’s like to be a larger woman. “Drop Dead Diva” premiered last night.
The premise of the show is that two very different women, Deb and Jane, both die. When Deb, a beautiful, blond wannabe model, gets to Heaven’s gates, something goes awry and she ends up back on earth in the body of Jane, a plus-size lawyer. So, this new woman has Deb’s mind and Jane’s body, and according to Lifetime’s website, “Deb must come to terms with inhabiting Jane’s plus-size frame in the ultimate showdown between brains and beauty.” Keep reading »
It seems like only yesterday that MTV was promising to create a lineup of kinder, gentler new programming. Apparently, that’s off the table. Now, the struggling-for-a-new-identity-in-the-digital-age network is courting the kind of racy content once only fit for HBO. Possibly inspired by the buzz surrounding HBO’s new show, “Hung,” in which one well-endowed guy turns to male prostitution to pay the bills, MTV has announced a new show in development: “Hard Times.” Executive produced by David Katzenberg, who is best known for dating Nicky Hilton and Mary-Kate Olsen, in addition to being the son of Jeffrey Katzenberg, the CEO of DreamWorks, and Seth Grahame-Smith, who’s written books about porn and zombies, the series focuses on one RJ Berger, a “desperately unpopular” 15-year-old. That is! Until, one day, when he reveals to his student body that he is generously gifted below the waist. Hilarity ensues, I am sure. As for why the network is developing a TV show that amounts to a protracted d*** joke: “MTV declined to comment.” [Hollywood Reporter] Keep reading »
The only people tottering on sky-high heels these days are celebs and strippers. The style gods have finally answered the prayers of regular women’s feet and have made three-inch heels or lower fashionable again. So give the balls of your feet, knees, back, and pinkie toes a rest already with these 10 pairs of low-heel shoes.
We are sick and tired of the same old pink lacey underwear and the nice but boring nights that come with it. We’ll show you everything you need to get a little kinkier. Keep reading »