Last summer, I fell in love with my boxing teacher. I never kissed him. I never spent time alone with him. Though I did have mental sex with him at least a thousand times, and was only left with goose bumps and a weakened mind.
The first time I went to class, Mike wrapped my hands and told me he’d seen me around. He smiled his glowing smile and I thought he looked nice. I couldn’t put my gloves on, but he was more than happy to help. Keep reading »
“Chelsea is confident. I think confidence is the sexiest thing about a person. She’s the kind of person that if you’re blessed with the opportunity to hang out with her, you’ll enjoy it. I’m not sure you’ll look at her and actually want to jump over the table and f**k her, but you might. You would leave after talking with her feeling that she is a cool person.”
—50 Cent explains to Vibe magazine what he sees in Chelsea Handler, who he was rumored to be dating back in October. Wait, Fiddy, are you trying to say that you—gasp!—like her personality? If 50 and Chelsea were ever a real couple, it looks like they have both moved on—Chelsea with hotelier Andre Balazs, to be specific. Wonder how he’d feel about jumping over a table for her? [Huffington Post] Keep reading »
Now you can give birth to a fully-charged iPhone with this umbilical cord charger. I don’t know if I’m ready for this kind of responsibility. But then again, people say you’re never really ready. [Daily Mail UK] Keep reading »
I’m single, which is working out great because I hate grooming. My ex is awesome, but between you and me and the internet, she could be a total bitch about “soap and water.” Whatever! Now I’m free to wallow in my own filth and believe me, I stink hard. Sure, I look like a lumberjack raised by monkeys, but that’s not why I go to the movies alone. I go to the movies alone because I might as well get used to it, seeing as that’s how I’m going to die. Alone. When I was younger, bourbon was my primary emotional coping mechanism. But since then, I’ve become an adult. Instead of drowning my feelings in delicious brown magic water, I express them to my bestest friends on Twitter. Why, just last night, I twooted the funniest twitter tweet, which was “WHY? #Why?” But I know why this happened and I think it’s related to that one time she said “I love you” and I responded “Baby Stewie is a hilarious character! A baby that speaks like people!” Keep reading »
The other day, I dug up a small travel-size bottle of Fresh’s Sugar Lemon body lotion that had been languishing in my bathroom cabinet. I used a tiny amount on my dry, chapped hands and as soon as I smelled it, I immediately wanted to be swathed in an entire bucket of the stuff. The Sugar Lemon scent is sweet, but not cloying, and feels overwhelmingly light and, well, fresh. I’ll take two dozen bottles, please.