Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Bizarre kinky curiosities will enter you mind, making you unable to concentrate until you fulfill them. Whether or not you have someone to besiege your wildest fantasies on, find a way to express them in some way. If not physical, do it mentally. Write about it, paint about it — do whatever you need to get it out. As you’ll find out, admitting it is half the satisfaction.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’re the sign of balance, but that doesn’t always have to entail compromising your values for the psycho sleeping next to you. Rest assure you can be the crazy one this week and get others to shift and sort their lives around yours. Even if you’re not feeling insane, exercise this power. The entertainment value and ego strokes alone will be worth its weight in gold.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’re not a vibrator. You don’t have to be buzzing about at a million kilowatts a minute, trying to please everything in your wake. Turn the switch to off and breathe. Don’t let yourself get ahead of the game, as it won’t do anything other than burn you out. Besides, the universe is not going to give you any more relevant news until you truly take in what you’ve got.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Feeling good and being good aren’t always one in the same. As you know and have learned more than a few times, being bad often feels the best. Thankfully, with that attitude, this week will be a winsome one for you as all the things you tell yourself you shouldn’t be doing are the things that’ll truly get you off in doing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A bitchy friend that lives for competition will be working your last nerve. Although there are things you still find redeemable, the list is getting shorter — but fighting back passive aggressively isn’t going to win you any points. Instead, dominate with action, like nabbing the hotter guy. That’ll inevitably put her in her place.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

If you made everyone you know accountable for every word or promise they utter to you, you’d have no friends. Take this to heart and lighten up on a love prospect that currently isn’t so smart with words. While he might fumble big time and make you want to kill, trust it’s only because he is so dumb with love that he has become so stupid in the mouth.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Consider yourself hooked if you’re Googling his name and devoting hours to finding the perfect ring tone that encapsulates your feelings. Sure, you’ll have some friends worried, but whatever, they just don’t understand unconditional love. Yes, at the end of the day it might not be healthy, but if this obsession makes you inspired and giddy, for now, that’s all that matters.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Despite what you think, gaining sympathy isn’t losing, but a sign you’re winning. Besides, trying to keep a tough veneer isn’t going to get you what you ultimately want and in time, you’ll have to put down your guard anyway. Instead of taking the long road, cut to the chase and whip out the skeletons in your closet now. Your scars will prove to be your sexiest asset.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Proving your love doesn’t mean becoming a carbon copy of the one you adore. Of course, if you want a relationship based on less than equal respect and one-sided points of view, then feel free to start your journey to becoming a Lifetime biopic. Otherwise, start asserting your will and pushing your agenda. Be half of the equation and it’ll all add up.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Jealousy and geminis don’t mix. Not only do you have two brains that can spout out demonic suggestions, but you also an army of arms and legs to carry out that chaos. To say the least, understand any sense of envy that starts to play with your mind is a sign of the apocalypse. When you feel it, be a hero and remove yourself from whatever incites it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You can’t deny that pretty turns you on beyond the point of being able to see straight. While this has marked your life with lovely cinematography, without a compelling story line the price you’ve paid has sometimes been hard to justify. Of course, if you want to think so deeply about hot ass that comes your way, up to you. Otherwise, don’t kick a gift horse in the face.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Power is your aphrodisiac. So, whoever is dangling on your line now, make them squirm. Chances are he’s just a chew toy anyway, something to clean you teeth with until something worthy arrives. Feel free to be as bad as you want to, as it’s imperative you exercise your muscles to keep them in top form, because when the real thing comes along, you’ll need all your strength.