Yesterday, we, and many, many others, breathed a sigh of relief when Chris Brown told a radio station that he and Rihanna had once again broken up. (They’re both too young for him to be “wife”-ing her, he said.) Humor site The Onion did their spin on the story today, penning the story “Heartbroken Chris Brown Always Thought Rihanna Was Woman He’d Beat To Death,” in which Brown (obviously, not really Brown) laments he’ll never get to murder her in a domestic violence incident. Here’s a sample:
After revealing yesterday that he had recently split up with longtime girlfriend Rihanna, a heartbroken Chris Brown tearfully told reporters that he always thought the 25-year-old singer was going to be the woman he’d beat to death one day. “Despite all the ups and downs, I was so sure Rihanna was the one I’d take by the throat one day and fatally assault, and even toward the end I continued to hold out hope that we’d be together until the day she died at my hands from blunt-force trauma,” Brown, 24, said in a radio interview this week, telling DJs he still has abusive feelings for his ex-flame and is hopeful that he might punch her again one day.
Simply, I thought the piece was cringe-inducingly hilarious — it’s supposed to make you viscerally uncomfortable about how far domestic violence can go. Not everyone agrees, instead seeing it as mocking violence against women of color. Keep reading »
Hawaii’s Andrea Flegle was perturbed by the fact that the puppy she’d purchased for her daughter kept trying to sniff her daughter’s crotch. Not bothering to use common sense, or understand animals, or realize that this is basically a Thing That Dogs Do, Flegle did the only logical thing in her mind and slit the dog’s throat. After killing the dog for, let me remind you, sniffing her daughter’s crotch, Flegle called 911 to report that the animal was dead. She admitted that she killed the dog, and offered the crotch-sniffing as a plausible excuse.
“I tell to stop but not listen. I cannot control. I lost my temper, so I grabbed the dog and cut its throat,” read the 911 call transcript.
Flegle, who lives in Hawaii, was charged with animal cruelty in the third degree, which is a class C felony. If convicted, she could spend up to five years in prison. [Huffington Post]
Congratulations Andrea Flegle. In addition to needlessly and cruelly murdering an animal, you’ve also guaranteed your daughter hours and hours of therapy. News report of the incident after the jump. Keep reading »
I don’t know if this falls under the umbrella of “catfishing” or just plain old bat shit cray revenge, but a Michigan woman is facing felony charges for creating a fake Facebook profile using her ex-boyfriend’s info and using it to make it appear that he and his new girlfriend were harassing her.
Over the course of a year, 52-year-old Cheryl Nelson made eight complaints to police that her ex-boyfriend, Kevin Haarsma, and his new girlfriend stalked, harassed, assaulted and even broke into her home. According to the detective’s report, Nelson finally fessed up to her ruse: Keep reading »
I feel that it’s my doodie to let you know about some of the crappy services that you might not have known existed on the internet. I hope you enjoyed all the puns in that sentence, because they were meant to foreshadow what I am about to share: you can purchase poop online.
For about $30, depending on the what kind of excrement you choose, ShitSenders.com will anonymously deliver your choice of cow, gorilla or elephant shit to the stupid ex, evil boss, annoying neighbor or asshole frenemy of your choosing. The site’s tagline says it well: “Has some one really pissed you off? Don’t get mad, GET EVEN. Send that special some one a big stinky pile of shit.” Keep reading »
You guys, meet my new hero in life, Charles Ramsey of Cleveland, Ohio. Charles was just minding his own business, eating some McDonald’s, when he heard a woman screaming for help from his neighbor’s house. He called the police — who he said didn’t take him seriously initially — and then decided to kick in the door to the house, eventually freeing two women, Amanda Berry and Gina DeJesus. The two women had been missing for nearly a decade each, as was a third woman, Michele Knight, who was was found nearby with the alleged kidnapper, Ramsey’s neighbor Ariel Castro.
Ramsey is now being heralded as a hero for taking matters into his own hands and responding to Berry’s cries for help. In addition to bravely saving lives (all three women seem to be in good health), Ramsey also gives an amaaaaaazing interview, and he has some harsh words for Castro. “You got some big testicles to pull this off, bro,” he told a local news reporter in the clip avod. “I barbecue with this dude! We eat ribs and whatnot!” Seriously, you think you know a person… Keep reading »
“I thought, ‘Oh, my gosh, I’m that chewed up piece of gum, nobody re-chews a piece of gum, you throw it away.’ And that’s how easy it is to feel like you no longer have worth, you no longer have value. Why would it even be worth screaming out? Why would it even make a difference if you are rescued? Your life still has no value. … [Kids should know] you will always have value and nothing can change that.”
– Elizabeth Smart, who was kidnapped at 14, held captive and raped for nine months, spoke recently at Johns Hopkins University on a forum about human trafficking. Here she is explaining why she didn’t run after her captor raped her, which he did daily during her entire ordeal. As the now-25-year-old told Johns Hopkins, she was raised in a religious family and had learned from abstinence-only education that a person whose virginity has been ‘sullied’ is worthless. Her mention of chewing gum is not random: A popular teaching in abstinence-only education, “the gum game,” is to compare people to chewing gum: a person who has had multiple partners is just like dirty, grimy gum that’s been chewed over and over again by multiple people. It’s a way of teaching children to feel ashamed and guilty about sex. And while positing sex before marriage as “slutty” could mess up anyone, for rape victims like Elizabeth Smart, it’s enough to make someone feel like worthless trash. [Christian Science Monitor] [Photo: Getty]
This past weekend, the National Rifle Association held its annual convention in Houston, Texas. Around 70,000, pro-gun supporters turned out to see speakers like Bobby Jindal, Ted Nugent and Sarah Palin spread second amendment gospel.
But there was also tons of shopping. Gun owners always be shopping! A large part of the convention was taken up with gun shops shilling their wares to an uber-devoted customer base. And because this is America, land of opportunity, gun companies have begun pandering to a heretofore largely ignored population — female gun owners and supporters. In NRA terms, this means producing a bunch of pleasantly pink guns, accessories and clothing to show support for guns. The conference took place just one day after a man shot off an AR-15 rifle inside the Houston Bush Intercontinental Airport, in a thwarted suicide attempt (he was later killed by security). Glenn Beck told an audience at the NRA Convention that the man’s death was a set up by the progressive left. And it also took place on the 43rd anniversary of the Kent State Massacre, in which four unarmed students were killed and dozens maimed by the Ohio National Guard. Keep reading »
Investigators say DNA found on a fragment of one of the Boston bombs is not a match with samples taken from the widow of Tamerlan Tsarnaev, reports NBC News. But that doesn’t mean 24-year-old Katherine Russell is in the clear. In fact, authorities are “sharpening” their investigation of her, reports the Washington Post. Among the reasons: They found extremist material on her laptop, including al-Qaeda’s Inspire magazine. What they don’t know is whether she called up the material herself or whether her husband borrowed her computer to do so. Read more on Newser…
It’s Wednesday night, your parents are out, and you’re alone in your big, empty suburban house. What do you? If you’re a 14-year-old boy in Prospect Heights, Illinois, you hire a prostitute online. Unfortunately (or fortunately, depending how you look at it), the boy’s “Risky Business”-esque plan was foiled when the prostitute arrived and instead of deflowering him, sprayed him with pepper spray and stole his piggy bank. Yep, seriously. Police tracked down the prostitute at a nearby motel and charged her with armed robbery. It’s unclear if the boy will face consequences for trying to pay for sex, but I think it’s safe to say he won’t be reenacting any more Tom Cruise movies anytime soon. [Gawker]