Handle It: When Financial Troubles Cause Friction In Your Relationship
Posted by: Chelsea Kaplan
Filed in:
relationships
1:30PM, Thursday December 4th 2008
Miracle of miracles, the current economic crisis doesn’t look like it’s going to saddle you with major financial setbacks. Your significant other, however, hasn’t been so lucky. Whether your partner’s been laid off, forced to take a pay cut, or seen a formerly robust stock portfolio become awfully puny, it’s become quite clear that his or her financial future is looking grim. Though it makes you feel a little guilty, you’re beginning to re-evaluate whether, going forward, his or her financial situation will be able to provide or assist you with living the kind of lifestyle you’d like – or at least to which you’ve become accustomed. Are you being cold and superficial or wise and practical? We consulted Debra Mandel, Ph.D., a psychologist and author of Dump that Chump! for advice on how you should best approach the situation.
1. Let go of your guilt: Before you label yourself superficial, cut yourself some slack. The fact that money is a necessity is one of the earliest lessons we learn, says Dr. Mandel. Therefore, it’s completely normal that in a time of financial crisis in your relationship, you would have some serious concerns. “We also grow up forming many gender stereotypes related to money and breadwinning,” she notes. As a result, financial issues become a hot button if partners have differences in their fundamental beliefs about how money should be budgeted – or their earning potential.
2. Consider whether your concern is reasonable and fair: When people form romantic partnerships, they make spoken and unspoken financial agreements. “If a woman marries a man expecting him to be the primary financial provider and he agrees to attempt to fulfill this role—however they define that together—then it’s reasonable for her to assume he will make efforts toward fulfilling this bargain,” Dr. Mandel explains. Concerns about how a partner is fulfilling his or her end of those financial “agreements” become selfish and unreasonable when variables outside of his or her control interfere with his or her efforts to fulfill them—his company lays him off, she becomes ill, or the stock market crashes.
As an alternative, you should evaluate the seriousness of the financial crisis before you get too worked up about it. “Sometimes people get very anxious when there is a change in financial status and end up blowing it out of proportion unnecessarily,” she says. If your thirtysomething partner has just lost 20 percent of his savings for retirement, and you assume he’s one step away from being homeless, you’re likely overreacting. Eventually, the economy will turn around, and, assuming he finds another paying job, he’ll have many years before he’s done working to replenish his retirement savings.
3. Take a good, hard look at your priorities: Assuming a significant change has occurred that actually requires major financial cutbacks, consider whether you can – or are willing to—re-prioritize your expenditures. “If you feel you can start learning how to appreciate aspects of living that require little or no money at all to enjoy, you can likely make the relationship work,” Dr. Mandel asserts. If not, it may be time to venture out on your own. Remember, though, that the old “Money can’t buy happiness” adage is generally true; as she puts it: “Having money can increase one’s ability to enjoy certain pleasures, but pleasure and happiness are not one and the same.”
4. Ask yourself if you’re willing to work on it with your partner: In a healthy relationship, a couple comes up with solutions and a game plan together. “A solid relationship should not be based solely on one’s earning potential,” she says. “If it is, then it’s not likely to stay afloat during lean times.” If you’re concerned about your financial future together, but you’re not willing to end your relationship as a result, consider having a series of sit-down financial planning sessions with your partner in order to ensure you’ll make it through the crisis he or she is experiencing and discuss future financial goals and methods to reaching a stable place. If you don’t feel doing so would be worthwhile, it may be time to reconsider whether or not you’re truly invested in both the financial and the emotional aspects of your relationship.
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Claudia
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 02:01 pm: [report]
Money and sex are the two big ones, no doubt. Both are about, on some level, power. I would add consideration no. 5: Has your sex life crashed as well as your finances?
http://claudiassurfcity.blogspot.com
WinkyFace
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 02:08 pm: [report]
My boyfriend and i just got in a big fight over this last night. He makes significantly more than me, and as a CFO of a company he has much more money know-how than I will ever have. He tried to give me some helpful advice on refinancing my house and finding a credit card with better interest rates, but I took it as a personal attack that led to many tears and lost sleep. Even for unmarried couples, money becomes a hot-button issue and you have to be so careful how you handle it.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 02:25 pm: [report]
@ WinkyFace
Did he say it in a way that was belittling or condescending? or did it just rub you the wrong way because of the fact that he makes more money and therefore you might feel a tad of resentment towards him anyway. Im just curious because I have gone through the same thing and wonder about the reasoning to how some people react in situations.
I think it is really odd that just because someone falls on hard times or their portfolio doesnt look as robust that may mean reconsideration of a relationship. Agreed that money is a necessity in life but how much, is in question along whether or not the things that it buys that one may be accustomed to are necessities themselves. Loving and caring for someone I thought meant you try to work things out as a team or couple and gain stable financial ground for the both of you. If it is truly a case of “He’s not raking it in anymore so I want a man that is”, I think that should entail re examining oneself. Not saying thats how a certain group feels or asserting the article says that, just paraphrasing my own thoughts.
powplz
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 02:37 pm: [report]
Don’t forget about communication styles in all of this. It took me a while to realize that when my bf talks about how to solve a problem, he really isolates it in his mind from other variables. When I talk about how to solve a problem, I try to factor in all other things that affect the issue so that there are no surprises. This leads to arguments/discussions being more heated than necessary.
Somewhat recently, he gave me some ultimately very good financial advice - to pay down some land I bought asap and put adding to my savings aside . But when he did that, his tone was “it’s irrational and stupid to save money when you have a high interest debt” ... although to me, it would be financial suicide to be living with my bf and not have an emergency fund (e.g. if we broke up and I had to move out, it would cover security deposit/rent to start), otherwise I’d actually be dependent on him strictly taking his advice.
I had to sit down and sort through the argument. I said to myself, he’s not a bad bf or a jerk, why is he acting like one? Turns out in his head, that was just his way of discussing the best use of money for my goals. Verdict? I drew up a budget, decided that my emergency fund was actually big enough where it currently was, and ramped up my land payments. Venus and Mars, you know?
WinkyFace
wrote on December 4 2008 @ 02:50 pm: [report]
I completely agree with everything Joyy just said.
@EastCoastMale: I know my boyfriend was being helpful and he didn’t mean to belittle me. But I’m the type of person who goes on feelings, but he’s a logical thinker who leaves emotions out of things. I kind of felt like he was talking to me as though I was a client or someone he was dealing with at his job rather than his gf who happens to be very stubborn and sees anyone’s offering of help (financial or otherwise) as an implication of my weakness. Just one of those things you gotta work through, I guess.
I absolutely don’t resent the discrepancy in our salaries. I knew going into my career that I was not doing it for money and I was doing it for the passion I have for the job. I’d rather look forward to going to work every day(and have to scrimp to pay the bills) than make twice my salary at a job that brings me down.
Anyone have any idea how long this recession might last? Cuz it’s not helping my Winter Blues!
juliePS
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 09:01 am: [report]
I’ve had a lot of interesting financial + relationship situations lately, it seems. And I’ve discovered that, in some sense, money is a deal-breaker for me—in the sense that you have to have, like, three or four brain cells devoted to common-sense financial matters or I just can’t handle it. I’ve dated a couple of grown men now who were just flat-out mooches, and it’s hard to respect someone who’s in his mid-20s but still sucks up to his parents for money and has no intention of finding a job that requires him to work more than 5-10 hours a week. Plus I’m pretty generous (I’m not loaded by ANY stretch, but I can take care of myself), so I have a tendency to get taken advantage of if I’m not careful. There’s buying somebody dinner, and then there’s perpetually paying for everything because they’re somehow always short.
But on the flip side, I also dated a guy for a while who was making well into the 6 figures (and referred to me snottily as “poor”), but somehow was still in impressive debt and couldn’t afford to pay his mortgage because he had two car payments and a whole ton of other junk he didn’t need. I was like, I make less than half of what you do, but at least I don’t have to move because I can’t afford my house, thanks.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 09:41 am: [report]
@Julie
In reading your post the question comes to me which is, do you think that actual money is the deal breaker for you then or like you said, more the attitude towards it and maturity to be financially respoonsible? Example, if a guy was really working hard and was motivated and was a total sweetheart but still only managed to earn a modest salary and was responsible with it, would it sway you away from him based on his earnings or attract you to him given his responsible nature?
I have heard tales from women about such men that you referred to who are either loaded and dont know how to manage their money and still find the time to be snobs or who mooch like its a pastime. I am just astounded personally, it makes me wonder whether such so called “men” are purposely making themselves available to women who may be generous to the point of thir own detriment or whether it is the woman who despite knowing beter gravitates subconcisouly to a man in such a sitaution so she can feel some sense of….something…I dont know what. Either way, there is nothing hotter to me than an intelligent and thoughtful woman who cares to work as a team/couple with her partner to make sure all affairs are in order and finances are taken care of, then once responsibilities are out of the way can have some fun to boot =)
powplz
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 10:20 am: [report]
@juliePS - I’m with you, just in different wording, really. After I broke up with my perpetually-unemployed ex, one of the things on my list of stuff I would never tolerate from a man again (it was a long list) was the *ability* to hold a job/support himself. Since I was in college then, I figured why automatically ding a guy for not working if he had managed to be in a situation where he could focus on studies?
What ended up being a reality is that I never dated guys younger than me because most of them seemed to clueless about common sense things (though I have since met a few younger guys who break that mold). My current bf is 8 years older than me, and even though he makes a lot more money than I do, the part of that that I was drawn to wasn’t the amount, but the fact that I didn’t have to hold his hand about how to manage it or any other aspect of his life. Lots of people thought the age difference would be weird, but we were on the same level of discourse for the nuts&bolts;logistics of life that it works.
And just for the record, he helped me out when I was unemployed for a few months, so when he started his own business and hit some lean times, I supported him till things evened back out.
EastCoastMale
wrote on December 5 2008 @ 10:54 am: [report]
@joyy
Sounds like a great current relationship that you have going for you and the part about teh age difference is for the birds, once past a certain threshhold of course. I dont think anyone would examine a relationship between a 60yo and a 73yo nearly as much but it doesnt seem the case when both age brackets are moved into the 20’s and 30’s. Point being, I think it’s grea that you two help each other out and have a similar stance on the facts of life to the point that it allows you to make things work. Guys in general who cant hold a job and mooch of off a significant other have a problem not only with motivation but also with responsibility in my opinion, not to sound harsh but if you NEED to make something work and have money to do that, there is always a way.
powplz
wrote on December 9 2008 @ 09:20 am: [report]
Not just guys, but anyone who can’t hold a job and needs to mooch off a s.o. has a problem. Both of our exes were like that, so we have the added luxury of knowing how much easier life is when you don’t end up resenting the person you love for mooching off of you, and in each of our cases, barely even trying to improve their own situations. That and being a DINKs (double income, no kids) lets us both do stuff that would either be out of reach or at least more of a struggle individually. Not every part of our lives are this compatible, believe me, but not constantly arguing about money is a nice treat. Now if only I could get him to be social enough to attend my work parties ...