• Horoscopes

For The Week Of May 5-11, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Luck is returning to your side slowly, but surely. The catch though, there’s only a small window where it’ll benefit your love life. So, hit a few happy hours this week and forget consequence. Make it a love hoorah all about something new and exciting. However, by the end of the week, what you crave will be something from the past.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Standards are nonnegotiable — so when it comes to a friend trying to play matchmaker, stay firm with demands. No doing anyone a favor with your time, as charity cases should never be part of your agenda. If you’re going to do anyone a favor, make it yourself and don’t make desperation part of your love M.O.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If you’re involved with someone, it’ll be one of those fairy tale weeks when catching a glimpse of each other’s eyes will have you falling madly in love again. If you’re single, this is your best time to place an order to the universe in exact detail and on paper of what you want. Yes, it’s totally new agey, but unless you know what you want, how else will you recognize it when it appears?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Trying to get straight answers from anyone is going to make you manic. You’ll hear one thing, but you’ll know deep down they’ll mean something else. Of course, you’ve never been a wallflower type; so throw caution to the wind to set the records straight. If you work hard at it, honesty will be your aphrodisiac.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Money opportunities are coming and a big pay out is expected. Not only will this news put a bulge in your wallet, but one in your ego too. Let the swell to your confidence boost you to new fearless spending levels. Lavish yourself in total nouveau riche-ness. If this means getting a K-fed for the week, love being the sugar momma with a long whip.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

You will be in just the right way to connect and bond over strange quirkinesses with the one you lust after. Feel free to lose your inhibitions and reveal your glorious inner freak — as in bizarre habits, strange theories and all out dorkiness. The PG-entertainment value alone is priceless, but the captivating audience you seek will fall at your feet in total rated R style.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Let your flip-flopping mind out trump your heart. Yes, as much as you’ll be feeling intensely drawn to that certain someone, slow down and listen to your instincts. Do your research and trust your psychic powers. However, this set back might only be temporary, and by next week you’ll be ready to jump his bones again.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Taking on a self-righteous attitude with the one you love is not going to win you any popularity contests. Not only is he going to have a bigger mouth than normal, spreading all these horrific stories to his friend and yours that he has access too, but they will all be siding with him. So, unless you want the world hating you, curb your insanity and ask nicely, don’t demand.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

May 5th is your day to snap, as the new moon in Taurus will bring in a feisty energy that’ll have your inner dominatrix out on the prowl. After all, you’re sick of the nice girl routine, as it’s given you no satisfaction. Now, if other folks can’t play nice, don’t hesitate to let them know you’re going to have to get a little dirty.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your mind will switch gears; making whatever obsession you have fade to black by midweek. For example, you’re cynicism can suddenly turn into driving ambition or your horniness can transform into house hunting. Just like kissing a frog, the surprises are coming. Thankfully, being on your toes is where you’re sexiest.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Just one more week of being the top and then, hoorah, back to being the bottom. Yes, a reprise in your life is coming and all the hustling you’ve been doing will start to show results. As early as the 10th, the world will finally heed your genius and put you just where you like, on your back and being pleasured by the world.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Selfishness pays. Draw boundaries on that freeloading lover and let him know the deal. Otherwise, miracles aren’t going to save you. The only way to salvage your pride is throwing down the gauntlet now. If you need back up, call up friends. Besides, they’ve been waiting in the wings to help out, as they saw this mess miles away. Oh well, guess love is blind.

For The Week Of April 28-May 4, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

The universe isn’t perfect; stop wishing it could be. Instead of putting all your eggs in one basket, trying to achieve happiness down one path, broaden your horizons. Free your curiosities. Only you can make change happen, so do it. Start by booking yourself a solo trip to an exotic locale where the locals are hot and the decadence is inspirational. Reinvention = happiness.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your partner’s nagging won’t end. He might think he’s being constructive, but you know he’s being a pain in your ass. The only way to shut him up, make a plan of attack for financial issues and eclipse his demands. Get moving by the 3rd, when Gemini goes into mercury, giving you a leg up on sweet-talking your way to the head of any line.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’re one dirty little birdie that can’t seem to think of any scheme that doesn’t involve sex. Oh well, that’s just how you are and that’s okay if you don’t trust anyone that isn’t sexy. Your instincts are the way they are and they haven’t proven you wrong so far. However, by the week’s end, you might find a loophole to your theory that’ll shock you in all the right places.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

If your partner is more on the DL than usual, beware that he’s saving the sh*t storm for the 3rd. Forget routines going smoothly and your happy-go-lucky attitude to get you through. Seems many unforeseeable issues will arise and perhaps leave you wondering whom you’ve been sleeping next to this whole time.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Don’t make any rash decisions about whom you kick out of bed yet. Besides the fact that it won’t take too much effort to keep the options open, new information about who they are, what they are about and what they might open up to you won’t be apparent right away. Let time pass. You’ll learn what this all means and how you benefit soon enough.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The only way someone can truly strike a physical chord with you is through your mind. Feel free to start deep conversation with a hot somebody, as the mental connection is necessary for your hot tryst. However, realize things that start up fast might also end fast — but the good news is that no matter what settles, a friendship can emerge.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Thankfully you’re a girl that’s got a lot of vices. You’ll need them, as confusion will cloud your judgment with all things love related. No matter what you hear, feel or think you should do, there will be nothing 100% to go on. With nothing left to lose, quell your anxiety with naughty habits that you know bring bliss — even despite weighty consequences.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

On the 30th, actions won’t be as important in affairs of the heart. However, by the 3rd, what you say better sound perfect. This will leave a small margin for bulls*it, so be willing to bend the truth when you can. While you’re not one that goes under a microscope calmly, realize the price you’ll pay for a mess up is severe.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Anxiety over sorting out your love issues ends as Taurus enters Venus on the 1st. It’ll stabilize your mood, making you see that being bossed around despite your feelings isn’t cool — and perhaps force you to unleash those repressed emotions by the 3rd. Of course, revealing such raw passion might be what jump starts the dysfunction all over again, so beware.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You wouldn’t be you unless you schized out occasionally, leaving others toiled in confusion. Yes, your fury spins like a tornado and your mind erratic. You’ll want to shut down and feel the burdens of the world. However, by the 3rd, do come up for air and text a 411 to that crush you’ve been working. It’ll save weeks of the emotional work you’ve built with that other.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Speed isn’t one of your strong points, as far as making decisions regarding your love life. You tend to analyze and analyze until you deconstruct the situation into something it no longer can be. However, this time around, you might be onto something and if you’re feeling the pangs of sentimentality towards another, feel free to explore it — if only in your already cluttered mind.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Nobody likes giving the, “It’s not you, it’s me,” speech. It’s completely unoriginal and an obvious blow off. However, it’s safe and effective — and as far as your future, do it. You’ll need a fast exit to make way for the slew of more important priorities coming. Although it is all work-related, the onslaught of cash is definitely a sexier upgrade.

Decode My Dream: Brad Pitt, George Clooney, And Me

Have you ever dreamed that you slept with your father? Or rode a mechanical bull while a coworker watched? We have and were disturbed for months. Fortunately, dreams don’t always mean what you think they do, and having sex with your father is nothing to worry about, so long as it only happens in your subconscious. Here, we ask psychologist Veronica Tonay, Ph.D. to decode your crazy dreams each and every week, so that you can sleep at night, and dream some more.

THE DREAM IN QUESTION: I had a dream Brad Pitt and George Clooney made me their sidekick. George wanted to go to IHOP for pancakes. They tried to figure out the back way to get in so paparazzi wouldn’t catch me and take photos of me as their “lady friend.” I didn’t like the dress I was wearing. We arrived at the back entrance of IHOP. I was wrapped around the motorcycle with my crotch pressed into Brad’s back. It was more me and Brad, and George was nearby. I didn’t really care about George. I didn’t mind the paparazzi taking photos of me though. My hair was windswept. I looked fierce, storming towards the entrance in my boots and my wrap dress, feeling tiny between these two, big men. Brad kept rubbing the small of my back. It was a GLORIOUS dream. — Stealing Angelina’s Husband, New York, NY

Keep reading »

For The Week Of April 21-27, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Trust your gut when it comes to new characters that sporadically enter your life. While most won’t be of any significance, they’ll be a few to spew a few comments to you that’ll have your mind racing with extra paranoid thoughts. Sure, it’ll make you reevaluate certain aspects of your life; however, don’t let it drag you into insecurity.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

It’ll be a high time to enjoy lust and new romantic commitments. Just don’t probe deeper than the here and now, as it’ll be too early for any substance to form — and all that’s underneath right now would be confusion and emotional power struggles. In time, these issues will work themselves out. If you force it though, it’ll be catastrophe.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’ll start the week off with a distinct mission, to be all about you. While this is your best intention, don’t hold onto the dream too tight. Co-dependence will wind up playing a bigger part in your schedule than you’d wish. Of course, at the end of the day, feeling needed makes you warm and fuzzy in just that way that’ll make you easy too.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A fit of nostalgia arrives, bringing on all sorts of emotional meltdowns. This will up your drunk dialing probability rating to peak levels. Avoid the disaster while you can, delete contact info of anyone and everyone you think of as a sexy Satan. Better yet, give your best friend the control and have him or her remove all necessary poisons.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

The guilt trip that your honey has taken you on over the last few weeks is coming to an end. Although it did get some issues in your relationship resolved, it also did show another side to him that’ll now start you thinking about the bigger picture. Between your driving ambition and twisted father issues, make a less traumatic love life your future.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Tension flares up at home. Avoid it by making yourself too busy at work or with friends. Seems your other half will be in a persnickety mood and sporadic undercutting comments will be flying in the air. Remove yourself from the war zone; dodge the impending agony. If they want to shoot themselves with negativity, why be around to have to clean up the blood?

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Escape in anyway you can. If this means daydreaming of the hottest guy you know, bonding on every level and reaching new heights of ecstasy, get lost in it. If you have the time to get out there and voyage beyond the horizon to find him, even better. Going off on a crazy whim isn’t just lucky for you, but necessary.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’re not going to access all the answers you need or easily decipher the clues you get. Instead of freaking out, pushing harder for solutions, accept there’s no fighting it. Fate is here to slap you down, tie you up and torture you with a lesson in patience and appreciating the unknown. If you sit tight, you’ll see that the person with the control has had your back all along.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Despite the dull headache that’s going to be reverberating in your brain, this is a week of major action. The pain will drive you to end your frustrations and accept no more excuses when it comes to a partnership that’s no longer cutting it for you. Conversations and a compromise, at best, will occur. However, odds are, you’ll be totally over it.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Spring fever is going to hit, putting you on the fast track to getting in shape and sorting out health issues. Thankfully, this will subside your hypochondria thoughts for dirtier, more luscious fantasies. When it does, work your body at home with your needier-than-usual honey instead of hitting the gym. Besides it being free, it’s the most effective multitasking you can ask for.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your delicate sensibility is a darling trait of yours that draws in the masses to worship at your feet. However, when you clam up, suddenly shoo them away without any forewarning or compassion and expect them to keep coming back for more, that is when you are getting way too full of yourself. Humility, think it, use it and love it. It’ll reward you back.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Work is where you’ll be getting the most hot and bothered. Whoever this is that is turning you on, drop a few hints, but don’t show all your cards. The chase will ignite excitable sensations. If you’re single, this could spark a secret steamy love tryst. If hooked up, it’ll mean doing your boyfriend while thinking he’s someone else.

Decode My Dream: A Killer’s Target

Have you ever dreamed that you slept with your father? Or rode a mechanical bull while a coworker watched? We have and were disturbed for months. Fortunately, dreams don’t always mean what you think they do, and having sex with your father is nothing to worry about, so long as it only happens in your subconscious. Here, we ask psychologist Veronica Tonay, Ph.D. to decode your crazy dreams each and every week, so that you can sleep at night, and dream some more.

THE DREAM IN QUESTION: I was an actress in a small ensemble group. I found a note saying that someone was going to kill me in the performance. I think I knew who sent the note and it was another guy in the cast. My boyfriend was also in the cast. So, at our meeting before the show, I told everyone that I found this note (because I thought that if I put it out there, the guy would know that everyone knew someone was going to try to kill me). I made eye contact with him when I was reading the note, and he gave me a creepy look. After that, the director told me he thought it would be best if I just went ahead with the show and everyone would be on the lookout for the killer. So my boyfriend and I started to go back to the hotel we were staying at, and on the way back I told him I thought we both needed to get out of there. We were going to run back to the hotel and get all of our stuff and leave town. We just started running, through parking structures, up and down the stairs, across the rooftops (it was really scary) and then I woke up and realized it was a dream. — Don’t Want To Die, Portland, OR Keep reading »

For The Week Of April 14-20, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Do whatever you have to do, to slow down your mind from churning out the paranoia and analyzing every facet of your life at every moment. Fun, spontaneity and extreme adventure is key to your happiness for the next two weeks. You don’t have to suffer to gain, so stop making your life work that way. Easy go; easy come — literally and metaphorically.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your relationship has been swinging from extreme to extreme over the last few weeks and over the next few days you’ll start wondering what you’re really in it for. Hold on tighter. Chances are you’ll find a nice balance and even a few undiscovered kinky areas to explore. Dive in for what it’s worth and let the natural flow take you where you belong.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Come out of the closet already. Whatever secrets you’re holding onto, unveil them by the 18th and find that peace you crave. Stop trying to map out the consequences and worst-case scenarios, because as you should know, nothing is ever as dramatic as you envision. Come clean and see the world outside your head is way chiller and actually on your side.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

It’s sad, but true, not everyone can be as bright as you wish. They’ll try your patience and make you want to kill, but then they’ll show their kindness and emotions will get the better of you. It’s okay, you’re only human and so are they. Besides, intelligence has nothing to do with sexual ability, so stop over-thinking the situation and accept some packages at face value.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Speak up! The louder you are and the more direct your demands, the more power you gain. Seems whoever is on your mind isn’t being upfront, but don’t worry. It’s not because he’s hiding anything, it’s more or less his own confusion. To get him into working order, plant your ass in the driver’s seat and show him the way. Seriously, being a top is your calling.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The only way to not add to the tension in your house this week is if you keep the dialogue flowing and the mood light. Yes, this means you’re going to have to be the bigger person and suck it up. Luckily, your perversions will be driving your libido and making you one hot mess for love, translating rather beautifully in the boudoir.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Beware of overestimating your salaciousness. While you’ll be able to talk the talk and walk the walk more supremely that you have in weeks, it won’t mean whom you want to watch will care. If you keep this in mind, your ego won’t be as blown and put you into a better position to aim your sexy intentions for another, more well suited bull’s eye.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

They’ll be no shortage of lust in your life. However, let him step it up by the week’s end and prove to you that he’s worth it. Yes, seems overnight, your standards have shifted and it’ll take more than a pretty face, but a MENSA membership to get into your pants. Thankfully, this means all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the show.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Slowly, but surely the grand scheme of your life starts to make more sense. Soon, your time will be more exclusive, as you’re able to learn to see clearly through the bullshit — thank god! With good news due to arrive soon, it’ll put you in an elevated position of confidence, perfect for looking down at situations and seeing where to cut the ties that no longer work for you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

A bombastic “friend” will irritate the hell out of you. However, be careful retaliating and launching a war, because they’ll have way more ammo to fire back with than you. Seems they’ll have no qualms about calling up those shady characters from your past and spilling the skeletons from your closets. Whatever, you always knew he or she was a bitch anyway.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Your go it alone attitude needs a break. When it comes to saving your love life from obscurity, admit you need help and call in back up. You have the connections, so make them work for you. Instead of trying to play coy, be direct — it‘s the only trick you haven’t used that is still up your sleeve. Plus, it’ll be the only way to get you the sex you deserve.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Ambition is one of the hottest things about you. You have a vision and will fight to the death for it. You’re passionate, intense and focused. Apply this to your love life and watch your stress melt away. Accept the one for you has got to have goals and completed accomplishments. Enough of the “falling for his potential.” Love on an installment plan doesn’t work — at least not for you.

FriskyScopes With Kiki T

For the week of April 14-20, 2008
Aries (March 21-April 19)
They’ll be no shortage of lust in your life. However, let him step it up by the week’s end and prove to you that he’s worth it. Yes, seems overnight, your standards have shifted and it’ll take more than a pretty face, but a MENSA membership to get into your pants. Thankfully, this means all you have to do is sit back and enjoy the show.
Keep reading »

Decode My Dream: Secret, Tacky Rooms

Have you ever dreamed that you slept with your father? Or rode a mechanical bull while a coworker watched? We have and were disturbed for months. Fortunately, dreams don’t always mean what you think they do, and having sex with your father is nothing to worry about, so long as it only happens in your subconscious. Here, we ask psychologist Veronica Tonay, Ph.D. to decode your crazy dreams each and every week, so that you can sleep at night, and dream some more.

THE DREAM IN QUESTION: I have a reoccurring dream that I discover a wing of a mansion hidden in my apartment. For example, one day I open the closet and find a door that leads to a series of overly decorated rooms that are HUGE. Often in my dreams I discover these rooms are haunted or someone died there. The rooms have really dated furniture, and it’s apparent these rooms have not been lived in for ages. I grew up in a tastefully decorated home — what’s with the tacky furniture? — Living Amidst Shag Carpet, New York, NY Keep reading »

FriskyScopes With Kiki T

For the week of April 7-13, 2008

Aries (March 21-April 19)
Hot, horny and insatiable is you on the 6th, when the new moon in Aries revs you up. However, the next day, when Venus, the sensuality planet, enters Aries, you’ll be officially out of control. Expect lewd thoughts to fill your brain and your body to go into automatic, rubbing against any hot thing with a pulse. As for personality, that’ll be the least of your cares.
Keep reading »

For The Week Of April 7-13, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Secret sex will stir up your life. Love being the girl with the mysterious glow that has everyone whispering. Not to say you can’t spill your skeletons, but why bother? The privacy you’ll have to let whatever happen, without nosy friends prying will be the best gift you can give your bourgeoning relationship. Besides, let’s see if he’s even worth talking about first.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Decisions come out this week. Expect to finally seal the deal with that special someone or have had it with a relationship all together and decide to go solo. Either or, finding your balance is going to be your new mission and come hell or high water you’re going to find it. The good news is that no matter what you choose, empowerment will follow.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

By the way people scowl at you when you tell them your sign, you should know you have nothing to lose when it comes saying how you really feel. Face it, most people aren’t going to get you anyway and that’s okay. Realize that’s the best defense you can ask for and keep on intimidating. After all, do you really want to be dating spineless morons?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The level of selfishness you hit now will say all you need to know about how much you care about your latest plaything. Committed or not, this week will lead you down the road to many tempting offers and some may be too hot to refuse. How you play your cards can give you the winning pot or make you bottom out. Choose wisely.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If you’re already living with someone, expect a lovey dovey time of domestic bliss. If you’ve been seeing some, step it up and play house. Even if you don’t think you’re there yet, jump in and try it out — even if it’s for a week. Learning those odd habits now will be what endears you the most to one another and get your oxytocin levels soaring to new heights.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Hot hook-ups will be close to home. If you have had the hots for your neighbor or someone that works close by, this is the time to put on the F-me pumps, walk on over and introduce yourself. If there’s no one close by, then hit up siblings for introductions. If you’re an only child that lives and works alone, then this is a great time to buy your perfect vibrator.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Let your superficiality rage. As the sign of compassion, you have a tendency to hook-up with one too many charity cases and this week, time to turn the tide. Be good to yourself; indulge in lust for just pure lust. Not to say you can’t want someone for his inner beauty, but who has time for anything other than instant gratification? For this week, certainly not you.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Hot, horny and insatiable is you on the 6th, when the new moon in Aries revs you up. However, the next day, when Venus, the sensuality planet, enters Aries, you’ll be officially out of control. Expect lewd thoughts to fill your brain and your body to go into automatic, rubbing against any hot thing with a pulse. As for personality, that’ll be the least of your cares.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Get in a sexier state of mind by hitting the dance floor and shaking it. Positive energy attracts positive energy and unless you get back in touch with your more physical side, it’ll make your outlook rather dull. Jumpstart the caboose. If you have a man, drag him out there too. If unattached, your moves and the pheromones oozing out your pores will draw in the prospects.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Although you’re an air sign, ruled by mercury, and are all about operating on an intellectual plane, time to switch gears. Drop the psychoanalysis routine and let your emotions do your talking. Not that you have to get all sappy and cry, but admitting that you aren’t all logic and fact will soften you up and make you more approachable, not to mention more f’able.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Sure, your mama brought you up to be a nice and respectable lady, presentable for even the most formal occasions. However, you know there’s a freak inside you that can spring out at the most inappropriate times, making you a menace to tradition and a hound for trouble. Don’t fight it. Accept who you are and the right flock will find you.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

There’s nothing hotter than you at your bossiest, going ego to ego with the one you lust. Expect sparks to fly when you and you honey have it out. No stone will go unturned. Drama will fly from every corner of your life and through it all will be deeper understanding and intense revelations. To say the least, this week, you’ll be cocked and ready for action.

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