Category Archives: Horoscopes

Friskyscopes are your weekly love horoscopes from your astrosexologist Kiki T.! Learn more about what your astrological sign should expect this week in the dating, relationship, and sex department.

Ask The Astrosexologist: Has My Marriage Just Lost Its Steam?

“Life is too short for the marriage I have. I love my husband dearly — we’ve been together for 10 years and we have three kids, but we’ve had many troubles over the years. He causes some terrible financial messes and never learns from them. He also cheats — mainly cyber, but possibly for real. No matter how much proof I see, he denies it all. It’s terribly frustrating for me. I adore sex, have a head full of fantasies I feel I never get to share, let alone do. He won’t flirt with me, but he flirts with other women. No efforts are made to seduce me, no birthday presents, no dirty talk, he won’t tell me what turns him on and he never asks me what I want. I feel like I’m just a friend, a frumpy housewife and not his lover. I’m not even 30 yet and I feel my life as a sexy woman is totally over. It’s driving me insane. What do I do?! (I was born 16th of January 16, 1979 at 5:10pm in Chelmsford, Essex, U.K. He was born October 4, 1974 in Chelmsford, Essex, UK.)” – Husband Trouble Keep reading »

For The Week Of November 10-16, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Trust the words you’ll hear from that someone without going deep into analysis, trying to break down everything to the barest meaning and therefore deconstructing anything of substance. In other words, don’t be your worst enemy. The love you hear is the love you are getting, end of discussion.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your boo is going to turn into a big baby this week and depending on how much you really care, it’ll mean a week of playing nursemaid. However, chances are, no matter how you feel, you’ll do the right thing anyway. Just pay attention to your feelings at the end of the week though, because if a flood of resentment comes your way, realize it’s there for a real reason.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

In case you didn’t know, you’re the sign of mystery, which will make more than perfect sense as your attractions do a 180 and take you down a slippery slope into a land with inhabitants you’ve never experienced before are found to be mesmerizing intriguing. You know it, get your latex bodysuit on and get ready to step into a sci-fi adventure that logic can’t explain.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

As much as your idealism is a part of you, it’s not going to do much for the overall picture of the life you truly want to lead if you just live to fantasize. To say it nicely, finding a guy with no prospects is what it is. No matter how much potential you believe he has, if he is not acting on it actively, don’t wish for the best. This week, realize a guy with some cash isn’t the devil.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

All the cards will be in your hand as of the 13th, when Venus enters Capricorn and bestows you a feeling of increased charm, elegance and beauty. Cosmically, you’ll have an extra special twinkle in your eye that’ll give you superhero strength to seduce who you wish and play any situation to your liking. Just remember, “With great power comes great responsibility.”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Typically it’s you wielding the power of guilt, getting others to do as you wish backhandedly. Now, the tables will turn and it’ll be up to you to have to decipher what is real and what is just flat out manipulation. While the person twisting the screws might mean well, unless they learn to play properly, consider all angles before moving ahead.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Fast, hot and scintillating love can ignite, but don’t go crazy and plan too far ahead. While you’ll go beyond the normal reaches of your comfort zone, once you get there you’ll find that staying there isn’t all it’s cracked up to be. Not to say you’ll get burned, more like the other way around. As it goes, your temperamental side can strike just as quickly.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Love can mean more than just getting you off, as in turning up your power couple status and hitting the town. This week, two heads are better than one and can result in cold hard cash. If no events are on the agenda, then take the initiative and create the opportunities, as in a dinner party or an outing of some sort. If all goes well, expect your first pay out in the bedroom.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

All will be right in your world if you hook up with someone vastly different than you this week, as in a different culture, religious background or country, etc… If you’re already with someone, turn out your more adventurous side with new places to do it and new toys to bring in. As it goes, right now it’s all about shaking up your system that’ll get your rocks off more intensely.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your libido is going to be in charge and they’ll be no stopping her from wanting to do the things she is going to want to do. Sure, you might see the danger in where you will go, but curiosity will over ride all and at the end of the day, it’s just another fascinating tale to tell that may or may not end as predictably as you think.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

No matter what chaos at work is flying at you or what your crazy family is trying to get you to do, you be able to tune it all out to find peace of mind. The magical key to your paradise of cool and calm? The hot piece of meat lying in your bed willing to do as you wish without question. Thank your lucky stars for the deluge of endorphins that’ll numb any disaster away.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Showing your devotion through humility is the loudest message of love you can give. Although you’re not a lady to bow down to menial labor, such acts of affection will mean the most to that special someone in dire need of signs of your loyalty. Take his car to the wash or do his laundry. It’s those little tasks that’d be all you need to do to have him wanting to “eat in” all week long.

For The Week Of November 3-9, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You never know who is going to pop into town this week, so prepare by doing a light sweep through your home and get it ready for anything, as your bed will be the place of many possibilities. If this seems like an absurdity, then be open to the fact that it might be you that will be the one laying her head down somewhere unexpected.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

If you think of your relationship like a business, in terms of money, life together will be much easier to tackle. This will probably include doing a complete financial overhaul in how you both treat your cash and possibly each other, but unless you level the playing field, someone will be bitterly holding onto the shorter end of there stick and that person is most likely you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Thank your lucky stars as Mercury enters Scorpio on the 5th, putting your brain in the fast lane to move forward unflinchingly. Yes, they’ll be no more second-guessing, as you happily go into a mental cruise control and see the obvious more comfortably and succinctly than ever. You know it; your Scorpio sex-bombness is back in full action!

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your idealism and creativity will be reaching new levels, but don’t use your power for over estimating a hot guy with a dull mind, as accepting what you see is what you get will be your biggest challenge this week. However, being that you are the original fun time gal, as long as it feels good, why think too deeply about anything? Inspiration comes in all forms.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Beware of at least one friend shooting off unsavory comments about your current state of affairs. While it’s obvious that she or he is jealous and trying to pick a fight, don’t fall into the trap by rebutting. Resist being an outlet for their sexual frustrations, but don’t be a bitch either and rub it back into their face (too hard).

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

All those idiosyncrasies about your honey that you’ve convinced yourself are endearing qualities will start to unnerve you again. Chances are it’ll make you wonder why you’re in your current relationship and if your man isn’t actually holding you back. Resist running into the fire, instead put in longer hours at work to get space and reconfigure your priorities.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Actions and words from your crush du jour will finally sync up, giving you the green light to go off the deep end in love. While this means making big plans, do understand that it’ll require you to take the reins and be the dominant one. If this bodes well for you, welcome to your fantasy. If not, know it’ll get old fast — so, get all the good sex in while you can still stomach him.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your relationship paranoias and jealousies will make you act in all sorts of erratic ways, as you’ll want to probe your suspicions while trying to ignore them at the same time. To say the least, it’ll be a bit of a messy time for you as you mentally plunge into the depths of your soul to sort out your deepest feelings and your true sense of confidence.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

As long as you look like you’re paying attention, that’s half the battle, as it’ll be your boo’s turn to start harping on his issues about you. Sure, some of his comments may have some truth to it, but nobody is perfect and at the end of the day, he’s just looking to express himself. To make amends and win the war, once done with his diatribe, blow him and all will be fine.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Your biggest pet peeve is a dim wit, and as your sweetie starts to show signs of slowing down, expect your drought to begin. However, realize that it’s not that he is suddenly becoming dumb, but rather more secretive. Should you be suspicious? Perhaps. If you care, put on your investigative hat and dig for answers. At the least, it’ll be good gossip material.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Forget trying to get too deep and too intimate with that special someone too quickly. Obviously you have a mental connection, but trying to force it to go faster than necessary will only screw up the natural pace and although you are too horny for words, make playful communication your foreplay and it will trigger an explosive and eventual turn of events.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

If you can stay focused on feeling gorgeous and brilliant, you’ll be invincible. However, be warned they’ll be many sleazy comments thrown at you, trying to knock you down, as the haters will be out and trying to claim your pride as the prize. You better believe it, time for your absolute hottest outfits as your armor and strut it like it’s going out of style.

For The Week Of October 27-November 2, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

A burst of passion is going to be ringing in your ears as confessions spring out from nowhere from your latest boy toy. Luckily, you’ve been paying no attention to the matters at hand, so this approach will be somewhat new and exciting as you can revel in the power and love dangling your love at the end of the carrot for this besotted lover begging at your feet.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Money and love can come in the same package, if you play your cards right. All it takes is to stop thinking modestly, thinking you can only have one or the other. All is possible, but it’ll mean no more excuses for yourself and your beloved. Crack the whip and turn the page on the next chapter, the one where being happily every after is non-negotiable.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A powerful dose of optimism is coming your way and gone will be the self-defeating thoughts that have been plaguing your mind and blurring your outlook. Whatever struggles you’ve been trying to wrestle down will no longer be as severe. Just note though, this glimmer of hope can come in many forms — as in tall, hot and sexy or boyish, cute and sweet.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A startling connection with someone can spur at a moment’s notice, making you feel as if destiny is swooping in and guiding your life. If you think things are too good to be true, love it instead of spending one second to analyze, because you’ll only sabotage yourself. Not to say you should be blind to what’s happening, just open.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Working together with your boo is one of the things that can seal the deal even further, as your best comes out when you get to play boss lady. To bring on an everyone wins situation, sign the both of you up for volunteer work or head-up an activity that can test your teamwork skills. Not to say it’ll be a make or break sitch, but more like added enticement if it works out.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Subtle hinting isn’t working. If you want to get ahead, it’ll mean turning up your ruthless bitch and making your points. Yes, time to lay it all on the line and make your demands. If you don’t get what you want, walk away. There is no room for negotiations, only sorting out black and white options. It’s success or bust!

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You know the areas in your life that drain your energy. Now, it’s time to stop the leaks and patch yourself back up to full working order. The most effective way to do this would be to pack up your bags and get away from your current life, as only a dose of escape will do the trick. If that isn’t possible, start plotting a getaway pronto.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

When you say you don’t really care, that means you can walk away and never think twice. However, if you say one thing and then find yourself Googling his name late at night and getting jealous over his Facebook pics, then you really need to start getting honest with yourself and see that maybe you aren’t being as truthful as you claim.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Sex is a statement and the one you’ll be feeling this week is, “I’m so effing into you, my balls are going to explode.” Yes, you win the award for the hottest aspects this week. While this means being behind close doors and senselessly professing your affections, feel free to come out and rub it in everyone’s face too. They’ll be others that’ll need to vicariously live through you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Consider you self spoken for after the 28th, as the chances to turn into someone’s sex slave is high. While this isn’t the normal situation you’d like to find yourself, it’ll trigger you into a cathartic journey of confronting your darkest demons too. Luckily, all will give into the lighter side by the week’s end, leaving everyone to come a happy camper.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Holding back your desires is pointless. If you want it, there is nothing wrong with going after it, as you have nothing to lose. Sure, you may suffer from a little humiliation here and there, but it all builds character and at the end of the day, that is what will magnetize the right one to you. Think of it all as foreplay for love.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Time to make the next step, invite your latest plaything into your home and see what comes of it. Will he ease into your comfort zone or will you confirm that inviting a vampire into your house is as deadly as it gets? Whatever the case, taking in some private time on your turf will prove to be transforming and hopefully in a positive way.

For The Week Of October 20-26, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Trust issues go careening out of control, as everyone around you turns into a gossipy wench spewing out different information, mostly which is hearsay, and will have you drenched in confusion. Of course you can also go right to the source to find out fact from fiction, but without the drama will it be just as fun? Fate lets you decide.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Speed up your stalled flirtation by throwing some new energy into the mix by way of friends. Instead of running yourself ragged, trying to force intimacy, make social activities the place of your courtship. The more light hearted your approach, the less pressure you’ll be under and ultimately it’ll give you the space to find just the right position to get comfy in.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

A raging need for power is about to infuse your body, pushing you into a new stratosphere of imagination, drive and ruthlessness. Although you would like to always think you use your powers for good, you can’t always be as perfect as you wish. Thankfully, the more devilish you are, the more delicious you feel.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Even if you don’t know it, most everyone thinks you have balls of steel — this week, you’ll finally get it too, as you step up your game to wrestle down demons from your past and start putting your head back straight when it comes to matters of the heart. When all is said and done, expect the grey clouds that hover over your love life start to disappear.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If you have the hots for one of your friends or a friend of a friend, this is your week to make the move. Nothing drastic has to be the table, but start dropping the hints. Chances are they’ll bite, but do take it slowly when it comes to seeing one of your sexiest and most secret fantasies start to unravel. If you push too fast, you risk losing it all.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Using your sex appeal isn’t normally a good professional practice, but these days it’s a dog eat dog world you’re in and whatever you have to do to get ahead is all part of the game. Not to say you should blow everyone you interview with, but adding a little more edge and danger to your image isn’t going to hurt anyone, least of all your wallet.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

You only have yourself to blame if you don’t see a love-fest in your future. Seems your optimist and crazy imagination is going to be hitting pay dirt, as someone is destined to be there to fulfill your naughtiest dreams. Where you may ask? If you want it, it’ll mean taking yourself out of your norm environment and the farther out the better.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The less you reveal, the more enticing you become to that certain someone that has been driving you insane. No doubt they’ve had their eye on you too and this week things will start to take unexpected turns that can leave you in a few compromising positions. Just don’t burn all your fuel out yet, as it’s next week when things get explosive.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’ll be so happy in love or lust, even strangers will stop to compliment you on your glow. Yes, there’ll be no stopping the power of multiple orgasms and the high of romance, so love every minute of it. Rushes like this don’t come out of vending machines, so screw the modesty act. Besides, isn’t rubbing it into others’ faces half the fun?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You can stick needles in your eyes and not feel a thing, as love will have you so dumb that you will be oblivious to anything other than getting some of that sweet loving from your baby. However, just because you’re struck stupid with emotion, doesn’t mean you should do as you wish, as responsibilities will drag you back to reality at the most inopportune moments.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

All the cards are on the table and there’s no need to get neurotic about your state of affairs. The only one that can ruin the moment is you and your crazy sense of possessiveness. As you know, confidence is the sexiest thing anyone could extol, so if you plan to keep your jackpot of love, own the fact you’re a prize too. After all, if you don’t believe, who will?

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Don’t freak as you uncover things about your boo that’ll have you wondering who the hell you’re sleeping next too. Sure, it might be more embarrassing than distressing, but either way, it’ll rock your sense of loyalty. However, after a few good romps to quell your nerves, by the week’s end, you’ll find your sense of humor will return and those irritating facts to become endearing.

Ask The Astrosexologist: My Pisces Man Is A Prude!

I have been dating a Pisces for four months and we haven’t had sex. He says he is going through a spiritual transformation, which includes no sex. I am climbing up the walls! I know he keeps a dream journal and in it he writes explicit dreams about ME. I do feel we connect and there’s a lot more to a relationship than sex, but it’s hard to sleep next to someone that has a hard on and is having mental sex with you. I care about him, but I have no idea when or if this phase will end. Help! – A Dried Up Libra

Keep reading »

For The Week Of October 13-19, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Drama is coming and it won’t be pretty. Seems something that has been brewing for a long time will reach its tipping point and all out war will break out. Although holding back comments that hit below the belt is what any mature person should do, it’s hard to be moral when you feel so wronged. Sure, it might go against karma, but a girl has to got to do what a girl has got to do.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’ll start to get your bearings back, as the haze clears from your mind and you’ll be able to clearly see what you have to do for you. It’s okay to get completely selfish, tell off whom have to and say what’s on your mind. If you did this in the first place, you might not be in the situation you are now — but no worries, as they say, “Better late than never.”

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Guilt blows and once you finally realize you aren’t responsible for the turn of events in your life, the real party can begin. Get ready for a new set of routines, a new lease on life, and to see that your past is not as perfect as you think. However, with this epiphany made, this makes it just that much easier to make your future the fairy tale you want it to be.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Start to consider a friend’s love advice or a set-up. Whichever the case, luck in love is coming, but it’ll take another to help you jump-start the spark. It could even be as banal as being a plus one to a party you don’t want to go to, but then wind up entrancing all the hot guys. The element of surprise is working this week, so never say never.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

The pleas for compassion will be ringing in your ear and the last thing you should do is give in. After all, what has babying anyone ever done for them? If you want to see any results with this sourpuss, it’ll mean tough love all the way. So just sit back, wait for the whimpering to die down and then swoop in to enjoy the bliss.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

As long as you have your agenda set, it really won’t matter what others say or do. Make this your rule, as this week will have you hating someone that promises way more than he can chew. While you always suspected this person was bad news, this week you’ll get your confirmation. Thankfully, at the end of the day, friends will be there for you and to help skewer him properly.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

As a work project winds down and recognition for all your hard work puts you in a celebratory mode, don’t get reckless. Sure, blow off steam, but do it in a rated PG way — as in shopping and eating excessively. If you try to spin out the thrills in any other way, regret will be waiting for you the morning after.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

You’ll be feeling the surge of lust more powerfully than ever, making you hornier than a wild boar on E. Expect endorphins to pump you up to superhero levels, giving you the power to turn out salacious scenarios of debauchery. Just one thing though, keep heat-of-the-moment promises to a minimum, as the lasting burn will sting longer than assumed.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Hectic last minute changes in plans will have you needing to think fast. The only thing you can count on this week is you can’t count on anything. While the change of pace won’t be your cup of tea, the upside is that it’ll give your baby time to miss you and at the end of the day, trust he’ll know how to kiss all those boo-boos away.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

You wouldn’t be you if you didn’t flip-flop your mind around a thousand and one times — and anyone who truly loves you should know that about you. So, as the pressure will get intense to make some decisions, do all you can to postpone it, because as fate is dictating, nothing you feel now is sustainable and if you’re forced to make a decision, choose not to make one.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

One last surge of domestic disruptions will occur and after that, you can expect smooth sailing with your honey. Seems you both just needed to work out your frustrations and once all is said and done, the results will be back to focusing on making each other happy. Only one word of caution, unless you want to be called, “Mom,” don’t forget to protect yourself.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Trying to take anything serious this week will be the beginning of your downfall. Life just won’t be moving in that direction, so best to just slip into your party dresses and hottest f’ me pump and trust the universe will clean up the small messes scattered about your life. When you need to come back to reality, the world will let you know. Until then, c’est la vie.

For The Week Of October 6-12, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’ll be able to separate the men from the boys this week, as riddles you’ve posed start to produce answers that’ll reveal the true intelligence of your prospects. The problem though is that the winner of this contest is most likely the one you’re not rooting for, which will mean the most important lesson you’ll learn this week is you’re more superficial than you thought. Oh well.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

The bad girl in you will be suggesting all sorts of naughty ideas that you shouldn’t ignore. Let her take charge, because she’ll find the intrigue you’re in dire need of refueling on. Despite the perfect image you want to portray, you know deep down inside you’re not a gal suitable for the general public and it’s time you owned up to it.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

They’ll be no stopping you from getting on top of things and riding off into the sunset of your choice, as the world is now kneeling in front of you, begging for you to do with it as you will. There’s no limit to your potential, so be sure to crack the whip with real authority and drive a hard bargain. Remember, there’s a reason you were born under the official sign of the badass.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

The past is going to haunt you, as hook-ups will make you ooze with nostalgia. Who knows what exactly is the cause, it might be that you actually do meet-up with a past love or something about your current one brings out your sentimental side. Whichever your case, don’t give in any further, as the long-term effects will bring complete mayhem.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Remember, it’s about quality, not quantity. So, despite friends feverishly living out their smuttiest fantasies, making you feel like a prude, revel in the fact that you’re not running to the clinic getting tested every week. Sure, your toes might be permanently curled, but consider it the nicer alternative than being consumed by psychosomatic itching and burning sensations.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

A compromising position at work may leave a bad taste in your mouth. Instead of analyzing the situation, trying to justify it, take it for what it is — total discomfort. After all, it doesn’t take Einstein to decipher a good touch from a bad one. With this said, make this your catalyst for moving to sunnier shores and take that next step in your career.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

All your best ideas will come to you while you’re going at it. Complete with feeling like a giant knot lately, it’s been ages since you’ve gotten a shag that has made you almost reach nirvana. Thankfully, this week, the universe is looking out for you and some kick-ass revelations will be vibrating through your soul and bestowing you with divine inspiration.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The measure of your affection is the intensity of your madness. The stronger your passion, the more insane you get. This week, if you can get through all the communication mishaps, you’ll most likely be peaking at crazy levels that can get you locked-up — and everyone will be genuinely happy about that.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Home may be where your heart is, but not where you and your boo’s whole existence should be. This means, make it a priority to every so often come out for sunlight, as in prancing about as a couple and revealing to friends that you indeed do have someone in-between your sheets that is delightful, cute, of normal intelligence and not rechargeable.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Not all love affairs are the same. Some start slow, others burn out fast, and then there are those that keep you on the fence. This week, destiny will lead you to a new find, which will have you wondering if it’s a diamond in the rough or just plain rough. Set a deadline on chipping off the veneer. If a sparkle isn’t found in two weeks, cut your losses.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You have too many responsibilities in your life than to have to deal with domestic love issues too. Instead of driving yourself over the edge about your honey’s slovenly habits, put on the rose colored glasses and mentally live out your perfect romantic fantasies. Think of it as researching a standard in which to love by, as visualizing is half the job of making it real.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Avoid any conversations dealing with serious commitment, especially cohabitation, or expect power plays to erupt and ego-clashes down to the death. To better argue your case, do it with action — as in taking advantage of the mind-blowing sex aspects you have going on and making him realize how lucky he has it already and how it could be his 24-7 if he’s man enough.

For The Week Of September 29-October 5, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Bizarre kinky curiosities will enter you mind, making you unable to concentrate until you fulfill them. Whether or not you have someone to besiege your wildest fantasies on, find a way to express them in some way. If not physical, do it mentally. Write about it, paint about it — do whatever you need to get it out. As you’ll find out, admitting it is half the satisfaction.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’re the sign of balance, but that doesn’t always have to entail compromising your values for the psycho sleeping next to you. Rest assure you can be the crazy one this week and get others to shift and sort their lives around yours. Even if you’re not feeling insane, exercise this power. The entertainment value and ego strokes alone will be worth its weight in gold.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’re not a vibrator. You don’t have to be buzzing about at a million kilowatts a minute, trying to please everything in your wake. Turn the switch to off and breathe. Don’t let yourself get ahead of the game, as it won’t do anything other than burn you out. Besides, the universe is not going to give you any more relevant news until you truly take in what you’ve got.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Feeling good and being good aren’t always one in the same. As you know and have learned more than a few times, being bad often feels the best. Thankfully, with that attitude, this week will be a winsome one for you as all the things you tell yourself you shouldn’t be doing are the things that’ll truly get you off in doing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A bitchy friend that lives for competition will be working your last nerve. Although there are things you still find redeemable, the list is getting shorter — but fighting back passive aggressively isn’t going to win you any points. Instead, dominate with action, like nabbing the hotter guy. That’ll inevitably put her in her place.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

If you made everyone you know accountable for every word or promise they utter to you, you’d have no friends. Take this to heart and lighten up on a love prospect that currently isn’t so smart with words. While he might fumble big time and make you want to kill, trust it’s only because he is so dumb with love that he has become so stupid in the mouth.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Consider yourself hooked if you’re Googling his name and devoting hours to finding the perfect ring tone that encapsulates your feelings. Sure, you’ll have some friends worried, but whatever, they just don’t understand unconditional love. Yes, at the end of the day it might not be healthy, but if this obsession makes you inspired and giddy, for now, that’s all that matters.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Despite what you think, gaining sympathy isn’t losing, but a sign you’re winning. Besides, trying to keep a tough veneer isn’t going to get you what you ultimately want and in time, you’ll have to put down your guard anyway. Instead of taking the long road, cut to the chase and whip out the skeletons in your closet now. Your scars will prove to be your sexiest asset.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Proving your love doesn’t mean becoming a carbon copy of the one you adore. Of course, if you want a relationship based on less than equal respect and one-sided points of view, then feel free to start your journey to becoming a Lifetime biopic. Otherwise, start asserting your will and pushing your agenda. Be half of the equation and it’ll all add up.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Jealousy and geminis don’t mix. Not only do you have two brains that can spout out demonic suggestions, but you also an army of arms and legs to carry out that chaos. To say the least, understand any sense of envy that starts to play with your mind is a sign of the apocalypse. When you feel it, be a hero and remove yourself from whatever incites it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You can’t deny that pretty turns you on beyond the point of being able to see straight. While this has marked your life with lovely cinematography, without a compelling story line the price you’ve paid has sometimes been hard to justify. Of course, if you want to think so deeply about hot ass that comes your way, up to you. Otherwise, don’t kick a gift horse in the face.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Power is your aphrodisiac. So, whoever is dangling on your line now, make them squirm. Chances are he’s just a chew toy anyway, something to clean you teeth with until something worthy arrives. Feel free to be as bad as you want to, as it’s imperative you exercise your muscles to keep them in top form, because when the real thing comes along, you’ll need all your strength.

For The Week Of September 22-28, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Money is the #1 issue that breaks up most couples. However, if there’s anything that you hate, it’s being a statistic. Time to bite the bullet and put your thinking cap on. Solutions to creating a strategy are looming around your head. Focus and you’ll see. The one caveat though: bagging your ego, as success is only possible if you implement subtly and have him think it’s his idea.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

With love tingling all your hot spots, there’ll be no words to articulate what you’re feeling. Thankfully, as mercury starts to retrograde on the 25th and throws your communications into chaos, it’ll be best to let actions speak for you, to ensure your message is clear — and in libidinous lounge wear and whip cream only a moron will misinterpret you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If you find yourself trying to negotiate yourself into feeling more, to hype yourself over some anonymous semi-hot person that you’ve just met, stop. Venus, the love planet is in your sign and sexier options are coming, but not if you waste time. Keep the flow going; something will give. Besides, when has settling ever been worth your time or any self-esteem?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your instincts will be a mess and friends will all have differing opinions. What is a girl to do? Sit back, let it all unfurl and trust you’ve put in enough action. If the resolution that eventually unravels doesn’t feel right, you’ll have your answer. Yes, being patient isn’t your favorite thing to do, but with all the practice this year has brought, at least you’re getting better at it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your horny devil will be out in full force, get a chaperone if you don’t want trouble. Otherwise, you might find yourself in bed with the wrong person, as in a friend that has always had a crush on you that you never had sexy feelings for, or someone that’ll make you feel a shame so deep, you’ll want to staple yourself shut. With that said, be vigilant over your excess.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Love and all that it entails will be the least of your cares, as it’ll be your ambition that’ll make you hot. After all, work is the one place in your life you can see solid results. Of course, one inevitably feeds off the other and while you might not be expecting any sexy thrills, your power will unavoidably make you a magnet for XXX adventures.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Whoever is pulling at your heartstrings may be the best in bed, the hottest piece to hang from your arm and the most charismatic being you’ve ever met. However, if he’s not feeling the same about you, pouring more worship onto him isn’t going to help. Curb your enthusiasm and sort out the equality in your pairing now or doom yourself to the lowly position of fan club president.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

When it comes down to it, you may not think your baby is as bright as you wish and certainly, he could never be as brilliant as you. Nonetheless, he has his good points, and for that you can praise him. Of course, if all you think you can get is a pea-brained sweetie that can get hard on demand, then really, what is that saying about you?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Responsibilities can take a back seat, as love consumes every morsel of your being, making you delirious to anything other than your one and only. While you might stop to question your sanity for a half a millisecond, the force will be too powerful to refuse — so don’t. Besides, what wrong could ever come out of multiple orgasms?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Options will spring from every corner, making you’ll feel like a kid in a rated X candy shop. Sure, the deluge of sweets may lead to a massive case of rot, but in every piece is something nutritious and if you examine carefully on what serving sizes are healthy, you’ll find that at the end, you’ll get all the nutrients you need.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Avoid listening to any of the opinions relatives spew to you this week, especially regarding love. Instead, trust your own instincts, even if you know you’re walking into a fire. Fate is upon you and there’s no turning back. Enter your destiny and take in the thrills as they come. Any other way will only leave you with regret, and god knows they’ll make lonely nights even colder.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Trauma on the home front is going to be inevitable, as those passive aggressive ways of you and your boo get explosive. They’ll be no more taming down aggravations and breaking out all the heavy artillery talks is inevitable. Of course, being that you’re both so thorough, after much deliberation a resolution will come and then so will both of you.

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