• Horoscopes

For The Week Of September 29-October 5, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Bizarre kinky curiosities will enter you mind, making you unable to concentrate until you fulfill them. Whether or not you have someone to besiege your wildest fantasies on, find a way to express them in some way. If not physical, do it mentally. Write about it, paint about it — do whatever you need to get it out. As you’ll find out, admitting it is half the satisfaction.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

You’re the sign of balance, but that doesn’t always have to entail compromising your values for the psycho sleeping next to you. Rest assure you can be the crazy one this week and get others to shift and sort their lives around yours. Even if you’re not feeling insane, exercise this power. The entertainment value and ego strokes alone will be worth its weight in gold.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

You’re not a vibrator. You don’t have to be buzzing about at a million kilowatts a minute, trying to please everything in your wake. Turn the switch to off and breathe. Don’t let yourself get ahead of the game, as it won’t do anything other than burn you out. Besides, the universe is not going to give you any more relevant news until you truly take in what you’ve got.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Feeling good and being good aren’t always one in the same. As you know and have learned more than a few times, being bad often feels the best. Thankfully, with that attitude, this week will be a winsome one for you as all the things you tell yourself you shouldn’t be doing are the things that’ll truly get you off in doing.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

A bitchy friend that lives for competition will be working your last nerve. Although there are things you still find redeemable, the list is getting shorter — but fighting back passive aggressively isn’t going to win you any points. Instead, dominate with action, like nabbing the hotter guy. That’ll inevitably put her in her place.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

If you made everyone you know accountable for every word or promise they utter to you, you’d have no friends. Take this to heart and lighten up on a love prospect that currently isn’t so smart with words. While he might fumble big time and make you want to kill, trust it’s only because he is so dumb with love that he has become so stupid in the mouth.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Consider yourself hooked if you’re Googling his name and devoting hours to finding the perfect ring tone that encapsulates your feelings. Sure, you’ll have some friends worried, but whatever, they just don’t understand unconditional love. Yes, at the end of the day it might not be healthy, but if this obsession makes you inspired and giddy, for now, that’s all that matters.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Despite what you think, gaining sympathy isn’t losing, but a sign you’re winning. Besides, trying to keep a tough veneer isn’t going to get you what you ultimately want and in time, you’ll have to put down your guard anyway. Instead of taking the long road, cut to the chase and whip out the skeletons in your closet now. Your scars will prove to be your sexiest asset.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Proving your love doesn’t mean becoming a carbon copy of the one you adore. Of course, if you want a relationship based on less than equal respect and one-sided points of view, then feel free to start your journey to becoming a Lifetime biopic. Otherwise, start asserting your will and pushing your agenda. Be half of the equation and it’ll all add up.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Jealousy and geminis don’t mix. Not only do you have two brains that can spout out demonic suggestions, but you also an army of arms and legs to carry out that chaos. To say the least, understand any sense of envy that starts to play with your mind is a sign of the apocalypse. When you feel it, be a hero and remove yourself from whatever incites it.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

You can’t deny that pretty turns you on beyond the point of being able to see straight. While this has marked your life with lovely cinematography, without a compelling story line the price you’ve paid has sometimes been hard to justify. Of course, if you want to think so deeply about hot ass that comes your way, up to you. Otherwise, don’t kick a gift horse in the face.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Power is your aphrodisiac. So, whoever is dangling on your line now, make them squirm. Chances are he’s just a chew toy anyway, something to clean you teeth with until something worthy arrives. Feel free to be as bad as you want to, as it’s imperative you exercise your muscles to keep them in top form, because when the real thing comes along, you’ll need all your strength.

For The Week Of September 22-28, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Money is the #1 issue that breaks up most couples. However, if there’s anything that you hate, it’s being a statistic. Time to bite the bullet and put your thinking cap on. Solutions to creating a strategy are looming around your head. Focus and you’ll see. The one caveat though: bagging your ego, as success is only possible if you implement subtly and have him think it’s his idea.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

With love tingling all your hot spots, there’ll be no words to articulate what you’re feeling. Thankfully, as mercury starts to retrograde on the 25th and throws your communications into chaos, it’ll be best to let actions speak for you, to ensure your message is clear — and in libidinous lounge wear and whip cream only a moron will misinterpret you.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

If you find yourself trying to negotiate yourself into feeling more, to hype yourself over some anonymous semi-hot person that you’ve just met, stop. Venus, the love planet is in your sign and sexier options are coming, but not if you waste time. Keep the flow going; something will give. Besides, when has settling ever been worth your time or any self-esteem?

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Your instincts will be a mess and friends will all have differing opinions. What is a girl to do? Sit back, let it all unfurl and trust you’ve put in enough action. If the resolution that eventually unravels doesn’t feel right, you’ll have your answer. Yes, being patient isn’t your favorite thing to do, but with all the practice this year has brought, at least you’re getting better at it.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your horny devil will be out in full force, get a chaperone if you don’t want trouble. Otherwise, you might find yourself in bed with the wrong person, as in a friend that has always had a crush on you that you never had sexy feelings for, or someone that’ll make you feel a shame so deep, you’ll want to staple yourself shut. With that said, be vigilant over your excess.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Love and all that it entails will be the least of your cares, as it’ll be your ambition that’ll make you hot. After all, work is the one place in your life you can see solid results. Of course, one inevitably feeds off the other and while you might not be expecting any sexy thrills, your power will unavoidably make you a magnet for XXX adventures.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Whoever is pulling at your heartstrings may be the best in bed, the hottest piece to hang from your arm and the most charismatic being you’ve ever met. However, if he’s not feeling the same about you, pouring more worship onto him isn’t going to help. Curb your enthusiasm and sort out the equality in your pairing now or doom yourself to the lowly position of fan club president.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

When it comes down to it, you may not think your baby is as bright as you wish and certainly, he could never be as brilliant as you. Nonetheless, he has his good points, and for that you can praise him. Of course, if all you think you can get is a pea-brained sweetie that can get hard on demand, then really, what is that saying about you?

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Responsibilities can take a back seat, as love consumes every morsel of your being, making you delirious to anything other than your one and only. While you might stop to question your sanity for a half a millisecond, the force will be too powerful to refuse — so don’t. Besides, what wrong could ever come out of multiple orgasms?

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Options will spring from every corner, making you’ll feel like a kid in a rated X candy shop. Sure, the deluge of sweets may lead to a massive case of rot, but in every piece is something nutritious and if you examine carefully on what serving sizes are healthy, you’ll find that at the end, you’ll get all the nutrients you need.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Avoid listening to any of the opinions relatives spew to you this week, especially regarding love. Instead, trust your own instincts, even if you know you’re walking into a fire. Fate is upon you and there’s no turning back. Enter your destiny and take in the thrills as they come. Any other way will only leave you with regret, and god knows they’ll make lonely nights even colder.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Trauma on the home front is going to be inevitable, as those passive aggressive ways of you and your boo get explosive. They’ll be no more taming down aggravations and breaking out all the heavy artillery talks is inevitable. Of course, being that you’re both so thorough, after much deliberation a resolution will come and then so will both of you.

For The Week Of September 8-14, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your love life will start to brew subtle hints of cosmic revival. Sporadic lucky moments will show you that the last few months of turmoil were not for nothing. Just don’t run before you can walk, because pacing will be your key to being able to see the bigger picture and aiming your affection in the right direction.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

No one said success was easy. While you’ve been able to cruise on charm, classic good looks and a mad sense of style, you’ll find at this level that haters aren’t just hiding away and envying you, but out and about, setting up traps to try to take you down. Don’t worry; karma is on your side, helping you to expose these frauds and once again proving you’re the sexiest bitch on the block.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Kicking your inner demon’s ass has made you who you are. While most underestimate you on first glance, don’t let that get you down. Whatever, if they can’t see upon first glace the wondrous glamour and intense magic that is you, forget it. Trust shortsighted people aren’t ever going to be tall enough to reach your g-spot anyway.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Start drawing the line between the professional and personal, as your worlds are melding into one and throwing you off your game. Not like you have to make any big announcements, more so doing inner work on yourself and deciding what your priorities are. Of course, being the fly-by-the-panties kind of girl you are, at the end of the day, who knows what will really transpire?

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If you find yourself censoring yourself to adapt to another, time to rethink the whole situation. If you start editing yourself now, who knows where you’ll end up? You’ve seen this path of destruction happen before, people pleasing a little too much and soon enough not even recognizing yourself. As they say, “Time to check yourself before you wreck yourself.”

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Justice will prevail and karma will give you a front row seat to the demise of an a-hole that’s done you wrong. Of course, being that you’re famous for not being one short on compassion, expect to be the person he calls to bail him out too — but remember who he is and don’t let yourself get dickmatized all over again. (Like it was even that fun the first time around?)

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

All your stellar pumping and grinding has won you a badge of honor, sealing your reputation as a premier lover in gold. With this said, you’ve earned the right not to have to lay yourself down for any more neophytes, thinking they’ll catch up to your level of skill. So, when you instincts tell you that watching TV would feel more fulfilling than the sex, pay attention.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your tendency to find the sweetest boys to love and corrupt senselessly is getting to be a tired mess. After all, how many times will you have to get on top and show them how it’s done? Yes, it’s been a thankless job, but finally a reward is coming. Tables will turn in your current state of affairs and where you’ll wind up will blow more than just your mind.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and no matter how funky you think of your friend’s latest hook-up, curb your judgment. While her choice might not be the easiest on the eye, he’ll most likely be sweeter than honey when it comes to all other categories. No matter, once you get a peek at his hot-as-hell-friends, you’ll likely fall in love too.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Consistency isn’t your strong point, but if you want to that special someone to take you seriously, you’re going to have to lay it on the line and back it up with action. Show off your intensity and let him feel the fire. Once he feels the heat, you can bet they’ll be no turning back for him. Of course, with you, who knows? That just might be when you realize the chase is the tastiest part.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Expect the pressure to get intense, as your boo raises the stakes and starts making bigger demands on your time and space. While you thought his territorial affection was cute early on, now it’s becoming a buzzkill. So, what to do? What to do? Obviously talking to him isn’t working or asking for space. Is it time for something extreme? Um, yes.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A new hot neighbor or acquaintance arrives to set your loins on fire. Oddly enough, he’ll leave you temporarily speechless, as this one will have you feeling out of your element. Perhaps he might be semi-attached or rather detached. Whichever the case, admire him from afar for now and dig for the dirt. Doing your homework will prove more interesting than the actual catch.

For The Week Of September 1-7, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Life is a big pain in the ass. Just when you hit your groove, fate swoops in and gives you something else to ponder. What to do? What to do? Break routines and shake it up even more. No matter what curve ball comes your way, be the HBIC and turn your world on its back and do it like a pro.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Your tastes are impeccable, your attitude sublime and your stride infallible. There’s nothing out of your reach. So, as the object of your desires start to act as if he’s on crack, this means time to set things straight. Don’t let all your hard work go to waste, as it’s about to pay off. However, if you want that prize, it’ll mean claiming your trophy.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Unexpected good news arrives, making your head spin and your body juicy with delight. Chances though it won’t be love related, but it won’t matter. Any hoorah that’ll tingle you in places you haven’t been dazzled in ages will be all you need. Use this deluge of good cheer to raise your momentum in those other areas of life lacking gusto; it’ll be your Spanish Fly.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

A sudden rage of attraction hits, but it’ll be a friend or someone close to a friend that’ll be your target. With too much on the line, it’ll mean having to be a bit more pragmatic than your usual hurried humping ways. This could mean letting time pass to see how you truly feel, as perhaps this could be a horny haze, or actually feeling it out before mounting.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Getting ahead will be consuming your life, leaving you no time to quell all your desires. Lucky for you, your two worlds will start to collide and something will heat up due to a work related venture. While it might not be the most monumental love affair or even one that goes beyond psychological, these days, you’ll have to take what you can get.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Your eccentricity is your hotness and the more you show it off, the hotter you’ll make some other quirky turkey shriek back with passionate fervor. It’s all about going your own way now and really not giving a f’ about what others say, think or feel about you. Ya, it’s a total cliché to say own yourself and feel the love, but seriously, this week it’ll actually get you some.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

If you want to play it fair, hold back your confessions, ideas, feelings and whatever else you have to give to that special someone. Time to give him the reins, let him open up to reveal something intense and show that he actually wants to invest something emotional in you. After all, when it comes to launching relationships, realize the all work and no play method is ineffectual.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Stop obsessing on whom you’re sleeping next to or whom you want to get on top of. Things of those nature shouldn’t be busting your brain right now, as it won’t bring any results anyway. Let it all go. Instead, focus on your own well-being, as in balancing yourself with all your other non-xxx vices. Peace of mind is the only thing that’ll feel good in-between the sheets for now.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Life will be flowing in an orderly fashion, so no worries for you to stress over. To take full advantage of this moment, let loose and let it go. Instead of lifting your finger, reach for the whip instead. Your honey is out to please and the faster you can thrash him into shape, the quicker you’ll be able to realize being you is magic — and he’ll also agree too.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Hold onto your patience, as it’ll get tested over and over this week, as you get emotionally flung throughout the psychological spectrum, making you aggravated and enchanted. Yes, expect to experience a little bit of everything that turns you on, off, and out, leaving you to feel (for better or worst) what you love best: curious.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

This won’t be one of those easy weeks, which will bode well for your love life, as in getting all those questions answered about your latest paramour. As you know, it’s only in major distress that you can see the true character of those around you. So, when sh*t hits the fan this week, know the first thing to kick into gear is the truth in your “relationship.”

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Your exhaustion will catch up to you, making your techno gadgets your best friends in getting off — as in dirty talk, pics, text, emails and whatever else you’ve got to digitize yourself with. After all, with an imagination as rich and as forceful as yours, who cares if you’re in your grubby period panties, worn out pjs and mud mask? It’s the thought that’ll count.

For The Week Of August 25-31, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Strange intuitive feelings signal messages to you all week, but it won’t be until the 30th when real clarity comes with a sense of direction. Until then, keep all your accusations and plans to yourself. If you truly want to make a statement with your words, timing will be essential to getting your point across.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Making finite decisions isn’t quite your thing. You like going with the flow, having things work out naturally or fade on cue. While you dream of this Utopia, you’ve rarely found it ever come to pass. This week, thank god, the universe is finally listening to all you have to say. Dream a little dream and shazam; your wish is its command.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

It’s going to be of those rated PG weeks where you’ll get to recover who you are in a platonic sense and stop worrying about the sexual piranhas swimming around you, trying to f*** up your mind. As the sign of sex, your vixen act often overwhelms and can blind onlookers. Hello, there’s more to you than being a hot piece of meat and it’s about time others got a peep beyond the guise.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

What comes around goes around and finally you get a taste of sweet revenge as juicy news of an ex who has done you wrong arrives. Unfortunately, the flavor won’t last too long and other obsessions will be calling you elsewhere — as in lucky you, career luck strikes and will save you from yourself just in time.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Sex is one of your favorite methods to unwind and god knows you need it often. Just don’t forget, as work stress comes down harder this week, your trusty escape is also a person and showering some tenderness in return will go a long way. Not to add more pressure to your life, but seriously, it only takes one minute for a good cuddle.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Your sense of logic continues to be askew, pushing your mad obsessions and crazy idealism into a realm beyond fantasy. At the end of the day, sure, this may be a little harmful and unproductive — but with nothing else to motivate you to get out of bed, use whatever inspiration you can. In time, you’re a smart girl; you’ll work yourself out.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

This is your time to love and be loved. Any other thoughts, other than hedonistic ones, banish from your mind. This is when balance, harmony and fulfilled expectations should be lighting up your life. Sure, you might have to get stern with your demands here and there, but all in all, this week will have you loving being you.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

It sucks to have to play the master and servant game, especially when you’re stuck being the one on the bottom. However, when it comes to long-term goals, you’re going to have to put yourself in that compromising position and show off your versatility. If anything, consider this yet another one of your hidden talents and give yourself a pat on the pack for all your mad skills.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

It’s good to be you, as this week is one of your luckiest times of years to get some. Break out the fishnets and watch the magic unfurl. If you’re single, be more daring in your flirtations and call out a worthy match. If you’re hooked-up, fly off into the sunset by sharing everything you feel, think and want. You know it; this isn’t any time to be shy, as subtly will work against you.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Growing frustrations over your inability to get anyone to understand you comes to an end, as this irritating month winds down and starts swinging the universe onto the side of your libido and making you careless about anything other than getting laid. Luckily, some good conversation is also into the mix. After all, you’re not totally superficial.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Mixed messages are no fun. One day, you feel like you’re in paradise; the next day, you’ll want someone in particular to burn in hell. To say the least, this week will have you wanting a narcotic drip, as the frustration at times will feel unbearable. However, knowing this all in advance, you can always take up the option of free will and ignore all incoming calls post good news.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

The sure test to know if someone really gets you is if they can call you out on your bull and put you in your place, a place where you actually consider their plan of action due to an edge of fear. After all, if they can control your mind with their words, you can only imagine what they can do to your body. Yes, consider yourself done in for, at least for this week.

For The Week Of August 18-24, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Your booty will be in high demand. Expect the calls to pour in, but think rated PG rather than rated R — as in career opportunities, ones that’ll relieve your thoughts of an eternal poverty and lift you to a whole new financial stratosphere that’ll put you in tune with a savage lifestyle where everyone becomes expendable if they can’t satisfy. You know it, pure excitement.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Being the sign of justice is no walk in the park and you can concur that nice gals often finish last. However, you’ve learned the bottom can have its rewards too and at the end of the day, you’d live no other way. With this said, if you can do it, is there any reason others can’t? No. Remember this before making excuses for yet another a-hole that tries to stomp on your pride.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Before you go rushing into another torrid love affair that gives you lots to gossip about, but nothing to cuddle with on those lonely nights, remember you can have some sense of discipline — then try enforcing some on yourself. Yes, as chemistry sparks midway through the week, trust that fanning the flames will get things hotter than running into the fire.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Career recognition will be at an all time high. Friendship satisfaction? Another high scorer. Love life? Less than stellar and not looking like it’s got any life coming to revive its dismal circumstances. Sure, that might be a sucky attitude to have, but this week, being a realist will save you much time and energy that you otherwise would have forced yourself to expend.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Get on your high horse and ride off into the sunset. The more extreme your ideals, the better —and who cares if you do have illusions of grandeur? Whatever your desire, indulge in it senselessly and intensely. After all, if you don’t try out all extremes of your dreaming, how else will you ever find a happy medium?

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Listening is your sexiest asset this week. Although you’ll have tons of opinions to spew to your one and only, hear him out and follow his cues. The more aware you are of his mindset, the better you can drop your suggestions in and have him pick them up as if he’s smart enough to think of them on his own — and with his confidence back at level ground, expect to reap the rewards.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

As painstakingly careful you are about deciphering your object of desire’s mixed messages, there’ll be something that just won’t add up. You can try and try, ask from various angles and/or investigate behind the scenes, but it won’t matter, as that missing piece doesn’t exist yet. If he’s going to feel it, he’ll let you know. Otherwise, sorry to say, the power just isn’t in your hands.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

The last thing you’ll have any desire for are emotional entanglements. Your attitude will be: go in, get the job done and be on your way. Efficiency is your main concern and you’ll be in prime to stay detached. However, you know what they say, “Love happens when you least expect it.” Yes, anticipate somewhere deep inside your cold heart to spring a warm fuzzy feeling this week.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

You’ve always been a late bloomer and this summer proves the point once again, as it’s only now that things finally start to heat up in the love department, spinning drama of the delicious kind. Not only will there be various choices to choose from, but also most will be worthy of consideration. Don’t kick this gift horse in the mouth; they really are too good to be true.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

If only the hot ones could keep their mouths shut, there’d be a lot more long-term attraction on your part, but due to your ADD way of lusting, the dumb ones can’t last. This week though, perhaps hanging with the vapid is slowing you down or you’ll be easing up on your IQ standards, because when it comes to romance, there’ll be a brighter light at the end of the dim tunnel.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Is there no end to your fickleness? Just as you seem to hit your groove with a new plaything, in comes your paranoia to ruin the day. Sure, some of your distresses might have some cause for pause, but at this stage of your game, do you really need to be so serious? No. Love the moment, because when the party does end, if it does end, it will be blaringly obvious.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Listen to what your friends say if you truly want to find happiness honesty. Admit you don’t always have the right answers, tending to always be too sympathetic to the wrong person. If you want a fair deal, let others guide you to that solution. Yes, it might be a little painful, but you’ve never been one to avoid a little pain for pleasure.

For The Week Of August 11-17, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Stop the boredom. If you’re committed, hit it from new angles and with newer tricks. If you’re single, scour new turf and try new types. The world is your playground, get as pervy as you want. Accept the demented things that get you off, as you’re lucky to even know what they are. Don’t let fettered curiosity kill your cat.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Flirting from the sidelines is only going to get you so far. You know that the time to make a move is now or never, even your instincts are getting tired of trying to signal your move. Time is wasting and although you hate being the one to make the first move, it’s time to learn a thing or two more about yourself — like, that when it comes down to it, you’re one forceful bitch.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Scorpio has three icons, the only sign to have such a distinction. You’re the scorpion, the eagle and the phoenix. This gives you the power to rise from the ashes, fly above or kill upon distress. Depending on how evolved you are, one of these three personalities will pop out this week as domestic duress hits you were it hurts. Let’s hope it’s the one that won’t require bail.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Idealism is your blessing as it is your curse. If you stop to listen to yourself talk about your latest love affair, you’ll see that all does not line your current story to a happily ever after ending. Sure, miracles can happen, but the odds of one happening to you and this guy are a gazillion to one. If that sounds good to you, then know your idealism is in fact a curse.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Money is your sex, so lay yourself on the line and get on top of your priorities. Pay off debt, reorganize investments — do anything proactive with your finances. Otherwise, paying attention to your love life will only make you crazy, as no one will be offering anything solid to rely on and if anything is going to comfort a gal like you, it’s solid facts and figures.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The power is in your hands to get your relationship moving to sexier shores, if you just say and show him what you want. Sure, your honey is as cute as a button, but when it comes to reading you, he’s not the brightest bulb in the box. Instead of wasting time, throw him a bone. The good news is he’ll be a fast learner.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Hearing news about your ex is always cause to run out and buy yourself something ridiculous. However, this time around instead of comforting yourself, you’ll be celebrating — celebrating being free from that a-hole and not stuck sharing his wretched life, playing mommy. You know it, feeling sorry for them is the best revenge.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Not all friendships can last forever. You learn what you can, be appreciative and if the time comes, leave in peace. Of course, that’s what any normal person would attempt to do — but you’re not normal. For you, this means turning up your heat to the umpteenth degree and going full throttle into warrior mode. (Lucky are the men that come onto your path.)

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Torturing your crush isn’t cute or effective. Sure, he’s retardedly messed up a thing or two, but hope is still out there. However, playing too hard isn’t going to give him inspiration to want to jump back in the game. Time to call a new play and get your ass back onto the scene, shaking it sweetly, as luring him with honey, not vinegar, will score you the winning point.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Between your cute sly smile, your charismatic style and effortless way with words, you’re capable of getting away with murder. Trouble is, when you meet your match, you have to rework your shtick. Luckily, you’re fast on your feet, especially when the motivation is getting on your back.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Stop living with drama and paranoia. End your bout of hypochondria and mark the 16th as your day to confront your own fears and get tested for all STDS and whatever else you’ve been freaking out about. One less drama in your life won’t just mean more peace of mind, but a smart way to feel like a virgin all over again.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

Tables are turning and your relationship will start to enter the dark side — AKA, not-all-about-you and this won’t bode well with you at all. It’ll mean making major decisions and a few adjustments. Luckily, time is on your side, so as long as you can defend your behaviors and throw in some remorse, those all-about-me days don’t have to die just yet.

For The Week Of Aug. 4-10, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

The thing you don’t want to buy for yourself this week is Plan B (the morning-after pill) or a date with your gyno. Keep this in mind, as you’ll be more accident-prone, which can cause all sorts of dramatic consequences with a big price to pay. To avoid the trauma, ride the horniness out when possible no matter how enticing the prospects.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

There’s no miracle drug that’s going to cure the irritating habits of your man, and chances are this week his behavior will only aggravate you more. If this isn’t the norm, then this would be the ideal time for you to take a trip away from him to let the mood pass and gain perspective. If this is the norm, then time to send him on a trip for good.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

With your life moving in the fast lane, so will your standards. While those cute boys with a heart of gold and unfulfilled potential would have been able to get into your golden arches before, no longer will they seem so appealing — as you’ll learn this week. Sure, take one more ride for old times sake, but by the end, you see the thrill just isn’t what it used to be.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Lusting for someone at work starts messing with your mind. Thankfully, it’s summer and the office is running at a snail’s pace. This means, if you want to place your bets and source out the goods, this is your best time. However, be cautious about jumping in too fast. Strategy is key to getting your groove on without getting your ass fired.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

If you try to control every detail in your life, the boredom will eventually kill you. Break this habit by easing the death grip you have on your life right now. Trust you’ve put out more than enough efforts to go into cruise control and have life unravel at its own pace, surprising you sweetly with fated rewards that have a tastiness you couldn’t even imagine, until it happens.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

Convention isn’t your style, nor will it ever be. This week, your pervy meter turns up a few notches and you’ll have all sorts of weird fixes. Don’t try to judge yourself or even try to sort it out. Best to take on the whims as they come and discover this new dimension to who you are. It’s sure to make you one popular bitch.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Co-dependence is inevitable in most relationships and this week, it’ll be your way of life. Yes, they’ll be something special about your honey that’ll make you mad for him. You’ll want to eat, sleep and dream about him 24-7. Thankfully, he’ll feel the same and together, you’ll make all your friends want to puke. So, for this week, be kind, keep it behind closed doors.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

People around you will be moving slower, making decisions slower and reacting slower. You on the other hand will be moving faster and feeling far more impatient than usual. To say the least, it’ll feel as you’ve landed on an alien planet with no sense of compassion. That’s right, they’ll be nothing very sexy about this week at all. Nonetheless, a week of good hair days is fated.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Don’t be your worst enemy. Chances to hook up or get the relationship you want is most likely right under your nose. However, being too hung up on your preconceived notions has put you in the stubborn place of checking your list rather than being in the moment. Your assignment of the week: surprise that special someone with spontaneous sex at least twice.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

When you think of love, it’s all about conversations until sunrise, raucous sex, being part of a cute couple that dresses well, etc. A relationship to you is like a cupcake, a tiny morsel of sweetness that fills your soul with bliss — and so it should be. Just don’t forget, that special someone also needs to know how to nurture you while looking hot, otherwise, no deal.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

A crossroads is coming, where you’ll find yourself juggling between two sides of your personalities with two different prospects. Although both options together suit your needs completely, you’ll need to make a choice and you’ll need to do it sooner than later or the universe will and it won’t be as forgiving.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

They’ll be no accounting for your tastes this week, as you curb your appetite for destruction and find your thrills on the cleaner, safer and more traditional side of the street. Of course, this will shock no one more than you, but the slowed pace will be a welcome change and as they say, variety is the spice of life.

For The Week Of July 28- Aug. 3, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

Make those drastic decisions quick, before the universe decides for you — because once fate has to intervene, it’s judgment/punishment is going to be way more harsh than even you can dream up on your worst PMS day. So, unless you really crave drama and despair, bite the bullet and do what you must. A clean break will be your best reward.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

Something fantastical is coming and it could be anything you’ve been secret hoping for. The deal though is that this superb wish will come to you by way of a friend or a group association. By midweek you should start seeing results. However, don’t expect things to happen in a linear fashion. Surprises are surprises for a reason.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

How you start this week won’t be the way you end it. The stars are aligning to put the spotlight on you and give you the power to have whoever you desire eating out the palm of you hand. Chances are though, this kind of authority won’t have you thinking with your libido, but with your ambition — but not to worry, cash and sex always seems to go hand in hand in your life.

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

If you want satisfaction in your love life, you’re going to have to take the high route…and although denying yourself of the instant gratification will feel like 1 million hammered nails into your brain, trust holding out for the perfect scenario will feel 1000xs more orgasmically explosive. Until then, make patience your tease.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Clear out the old, as a new crop of booty call digits arrives. While they’ll all have something special to offer, the best ones will probably be from foreign lands, offering colorful accents to your life. Just don’t over think these situations though, as these encounters will unravel in time to reveal their surprises. In the meantime, lie back and let the love glide in.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

The time to seal the deal is now. Whatever the state of your current relationship, expect it to jump to the next level fast and for your paranoias to end. If you’re single, chances to meet someone you can connect with more than physically can happen out of the blue. Of course, as a gal that does like to be three steps ahead of herself, the only catch is figuring out how to keep the steady pace.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Extreme romance, creativity, fantasy and absolute consuming passion is the only way you love — and as you’ve seen, it’s only gotten you so far. Not to say you can’t have all those things, but when you think in such extremes, you often miss the boat when it comes down to the more practical aspects of a relationship. This week, expect to learn your lesson.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Your self-esteem gets put under the microscope as your love life takes a severe shift, bringing a hook-up that isn’t exactly your style, but fits you perfectly nonetheless. What to do when your vanity is at odds with your libido? Own up to whatever floats your boat or hide it in the closet? Only you can steer your way out of this cliffhanger, but trust inquiring minds will want to know.

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Discussions about shacking up with your boo will be looming in your mind. Be brave, be the one to break it out and get the ball rolling. At the least, you’ll get the deal about where you’re heading. If you aren’t hooked up with anyone, then time to start thinking about relocating, as it’s time to start using feng shui to get your ass laid.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Good gossip is your drug and will make you do the craziest things. So, when big news finds its way to you this week, love it — as it’ll put you in the hot seat to do with the info as you will. Perhaps it’ll be finding your ex has gone impotent or that your newest love is actually royalty. Whichever the story, wield it like a ray of sunshine on a rainy day.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

When it comes to love, thing may be twisted and confusing, but thankfully an onslaught of mad cash is headed your way and will be key to clearing your mind of all headaches. Whoever said money can’t buy happiness was never you. If you play your cards right, as in sort out your distress on a vacation, far away from the problem, upon returning, all will be right with your world.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

A day in your life should read as follows: people bowing at your feet, praising your beauty, fawning over your genius and raving about your elegant tastes and sophisticated style. As of the 1st, when the solar eclipse in Leo occurs, that should be the baseline of your normal day. If this doesn’t happen, recheck your birth certificate.

For The Week Of July 21-27, 2008

Virgo (August 23 – September 22)

You’re a lady that’s always ready for anything. However, fate has other ideas for you this week and the first thing to go will be your judgment. Throw caution and your panties to the wind, as being naughty is the only way you’ll know how to respond to new places and faces. Love it as your mind and body gets reeled around situations never quite imagined before.

Libra (September 23 – October 22)

When it comes to friends, you don’t mind blending in the crowd, being the supporting member or the one that’s, “all for one and one for all.” Well, no more. The spotlight is calling your name and it’s time to trump those bitches with one up on them that’ll make them all putrid with envy and idolizing the ground you walk on. Sweet sensation no more, valiant vixen all the way.

Scorpio (October 23 – November 21)

Who you are and who the world thinks you are do not match up. In your mind, sensitivity and uncertainly loom way more than apparent on the outside — and it should stay that way. This week, you’ll be in a prime position to start negotiating a better deal in life and love. Use that poker face of yours to get what you want. People will be too scared to say, “No.”

Sagittarius (November 22 – December 21)

Reality is not a place you thrive in and thankfully; you won’t have to spend much time in there for the next few weeks. As of the 23rd, life will be rolling at a much faster pace with many more exciting chances to fly farther off the ends of the earth and live the impossible. The best news of it all, you’ll finally have a competent co-pilot that’ll know what buttons to push.

Capricorn (December 22 – January 19)

Your house of sex, death, mystery and transformation is lighting up and turning up the drama to the umpteenth degree, heightening your senses to astronomical levels of love, lust and power. To say the least, you’ll be getting your kink on and releasing all the tension that’s been making you clumsy. Yes, all your upcoming tawdry antics will be realigning your chi.

Aquarius (January 20 – February 18)

No matter what stress come up in your life, it won’t matter. You’ll be able to stick needles in your eyeballs and not feel a thing, as the divine power of love will be taking you and your baby through a magical journey to never before adventures that’ll have you both knowing that if it’s you and him against the world, all things are possible.

Pisces (February 19 – March 20)

Once the honeymoon ends, the pounds start rolling on. You’ve seen it happen before and you should be damned to let it happen again — to you and your boo. Comfort is great, but not if it’s making you complacent. Let vanity drive your egos and athletic competition fuel your libidos by jumpstarting fitness routines as part of your couple’s shtick. Harder bodies, hotter sex.

Aries (March 21 – April 19)

Love, it can make you crazy. You know you like your life to have order — however; don’t start skimping on the excitement to get it. Sure, your current lover man might not be able to fill the boots you do, in terms of militant authority and command, but he can make you laugh and for that, it makes him worth his weight in gold. Seriously, lighten up!

Taurus (April 20 – May 20)

Hopefully you live alone and don’t have to deal with an overbearing ego out to get too possessive or bossy on your ass. If you do happen to find yourself in that predicament, know the only way you can combat that power and get the peace back in your life is to turn up the chaos and have him realizing the level you are operating now is compromising.

Gemini (May 21 – June 20)

Beware of what you fess up to this week. Your words have power and to the wrong ears, you can be promising way more than you want to deliver. Save yourself the efforts of having to join a witness protection program and don’t talk a bigger game than you want to play. Psychos are abound and their target is you.

Cancer (June 21 – July 22)

Dating like a label whore isn’t going to make you happy or feel any cooler. Sure, superficial hotness is a novelty you can’t help but indulge in when the opportunity arrives, but you know that empty calorie romance blows. So, keep this in mind when a hot, but vapid stud enters into the scene. Sure, do him, but don’t convince yourself you can love him.

Leo (July 23 – August 22)

All that saving for a rainy day comes to an end today, when you just say, “F’ it,” and throw the self-discipline out the door. Whatever you’ve been holding yourself back on, thinking it’s good for you, just isn’t. Extravagance, flamboyance and absolute drama are your thing and without it, you aren’t really being you. Don’t deny your destiny!

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