Dear My Period On The Occasion Of Coming Early,
You’ve been arriving like clockwork for 15 years. I was never a woman that had a problem with you coming a few days late. You always showed the telltale signs: I’d feel bloated, I’d want to eat junk, and I’d be weepy. But I didn’t put the pieces together last week, when the following incidents occurred:
- All I wanted to listen to on Spotify were Disney songs.
- I only wanted to eat potato chips and onion dip for dinner on Wednesday night …
- … and then I randomly got super-horny afterwards.
- On Thursday, I started crying in the office, which I have never, ever done before …
- … and then I felt so bloated and puffy in my stockings that Ami had to snip the elastic on top for me.
But Friday morning when I woke up and saw you ruined a pair of panties in the night, I finally understood: you came early. YOU BASTARD. Keep reading »
“In Hollywood, I’m obese. I’m considered a fat actress. I’m Val Kilmer in that one picture on the beach. … I’m never going to starve myself for a part. I keep waiting for that one role to come along that scares me enough into dieting, and it just can’t happen. I’m invincible. … I don’t want little girls to be like, ‘Oh, I want to look like Katniss, so I’m going to skip dinner.’ That’s something that I was really conscious of during training, when you’re trying to get your body to look exactly right. I was trying to get my body to look fit and strong, not thin and underfed.”
— Puh-lease, Jennifer Lawrence, you are one of the babeliest babes around. But I do get what she’s saying about being considered a “fat actress” — just as Romola Garai so eloquently noted, acting professions have become so intertwined with the fashion industry that actresses who don’t fit into the ever-dwindling sample size are an anomaly. And even more refreshingly, Jennifer doesn’t take the Kim Kardashian cop-out stance of, “I love my body and want to inspire other girls to love theirs, but also I’m working out three hours a day and trying really hard to lose weight.” I just get the feeling that she’s totally cool with herself the way she is. Love her! [Crushable]
Unlike my future captor Tom Cruise, I’m a big fan of psychiatry. Why? Well, it’s given me opportunities I never could have experienced without medical intervention for depression, agoraphobia and panic attacks. To put it more simply: Psychiatry has saved my life. But thanks to a couple of friendly letters from health insurance companies, I’ve recently learned I don’t deserve to go to the doctor.
And here I thought I was doing well. Keep reading »
At 26 years old, I felt like a birth control virgin. How had I survived all those years without managing to know anything about the Pill? My reasons for going on Ortho Tri-Cyclen were simple: I was prepping for a move across the country to be with a guy named Isaac who I was in a long-distance relationship with. Isaac and I communicated every day. We talked on the phone, texted, emailed and GChatted every chance we got. We saw each other every three months, but this time, I was coming for good. We were going to live together for two weeks before I moved into my sublet apartment. We were falling in love.
I was ecstatic at the prospect of this seemingly superior form of birth control. Sex without condoms! It only cost $8 a month (which was about all my meager budget would allow)! From what I’d heard, it would make my skin super clear and get rid of the ungodly cramps that I’d been blessed with! I couldn’t wait. Keep reading »
I thought I was a picky eater, with all my no mayo, no onions, dressing on the side stipulations, but this woman, recently featured on “Good Morning America,” makes me look like a dream to cook for.
Maria Lopez is a 54-year-old woman who eats like a toddler. She will only eat three foods: dairy products, white bread and potatoes. And sometimes bacon. I mean, who can resist bacon? (Vegetarians and vegans excluded.) She eats no fruits or veggies. She’d just as soon eat produce as she would eat your shoe. Her words, not mine. Keep reading »